*dances the dance of Italy oh-hoh-oh* OASIS! 3 Mile Mark! This is what it means to go EVEN FURTHER BEYOND! 00:00:00
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A couple of friends sat around a table to discuss something surprising. Dandy tells them of a fun conspiracy, a top-secret society only known to the most elite of unicorns. In fact, he might know someone who can get them in. An old friend of theirs. How will this conversation end? Will they get into this society? Is getting in the most important thing?
For the quills and sofas speedwriting theme: high society. It also had to include unicorns.
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don't even have to read this to tell its going to be some stupid shit mocking "conspiracy theorists" as a whole, completely ignoring the actual collusion and conspiring that goes on behind the wheels of government and big industry.
You know, like the fact that the Chief Scientific Advisor for the UK wants us all taking the vax that will be created by the company he used to work for and owns £600,000 shares in, GlaxoSmithKlein, generating BILLIONS in revenue for that company as Britain has already ordered 70 million doses, more than enough for every man woman and child in the UK... or the fact that Tobias Ellswood literally said during parliment that he wants the army out on the streets forcing compliance on vaccinations and handing out certificate of vaccinations (look that Certificate of vaccination shit up I dare you, shockingly fascist idea coming from Bill Gates and co)
little things like that. I'm sure you normies will find some way to handwave that blatant conflict of interest away however.
Anyone who remembers the 2009 swineflu vax horror show, with over 1000 medical workers and children being afflicted with permenant and crippling issues for the rest of their lives, such as severe narcolepsy, might recognise the name GlaxoSmithKlein.
you'd have to be a lunatic to take any product coming from them.
This is a conspiracy... fiction I see... but however... is the fiction done well though...??? here I go... it's not my kind of fiction however, there was no atmosphere. 4.5/10
10479032
Oh...it was just supposed to be fun. Not make fun of them. I love conspiracy theories, it's supposed to be a love letter to them. Where do you think I went wrong? Maybe you could point it out? Is it a specific area, the description, maybe the photograph? Anyway, i'd like your input to improve upon what I did wrong if you have the time, or would like to that be great if not then that's alright too.
10479040
I did my best, I'll hunt around see if anyone will take a look. I'm not sure what you mean "no atmosphere." As in the restaurant? Should I mention where they are a bit more, give them more ground? Or do you mean the mood of the story? I'm more than willing to take comments and prove upon the story as a whole.
10479231
atmosphere. examples
1. The room was dark, he used his left hoof and lit up a candle, and walked toward the desk.
2. He walked outside catching that air across his face from left to right.
3. She run to the tree, when that wet pouring water drop out of the sky, like a faucet came down on her hard.
The mood of the story is also a good thing to keep thinking of as well.
10479270
Oooo I find this *very* helpful. Thank you for your feedback I think I will go back in and add. Thanks again!
10479278
of course.
10479308
^u^ i'll be working on it. I really apricate the feedback! Have a good night.
for a second I thought you were talking about my O.C.
Dandelion
[EDIT: In Quills & Sofas I was clearer that I was trying something like a preread (postread, now that the story is published?) instead of an edit. I've also edited this comment in a few more places below.]
I saw you asking after editors, as mentioned in Quills & Sofas Speedwriting #editing.
So I went through the first part of your story, up to “You got a point.”
If you take advantage of what seems useful to you in this, it will make less work when you find someone who is more willing to go by the title of editor and has spare time.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/479964/1/secret-high-society/secret-high-society
"It had to be in the worst spot ever, the once bright red table was now a pale pink."
Sentence fragment.[EDIT: Someone pointed out this is not a sentence fragment, but a comma splice. My suggested story edit stands, though.] If you want formally correct punct, change to "It had to be in the worst spot ever. The once bright red table was now a pale pink.""Dandy forcibly levitated his friends up in his blue magic and into the torn and tattered booth. His eye darted around the establishment, sweat beading up on his forehead. After looking over every inch of it, at every group of creatures, he stared longer at every single unicorn he could find. Eventually, he sat down, making sure his back wasn't turned to the restaurant-goers. He was acting more suspicious than a foal who snuck a cookie before dinner. "
My own one-person thought: It's hard making a character look suspicious to the reader without making them look so suspicious that maybe they're not a very good conspirator, isn't it?
“Dandy what the Tartarus is wrong with you?” Snapped Gradient Sound, the earth pony who was just as confused as he was hangry.
- 'snapped Gradient Sound.' Don't capitalize Snapped here.
- Did you really mean 'hangry?'
[- EDIT: A comma after 'Dandy' would be formally correct.]
'“Alright, Celestia, chill dude." Dandy snapped back, his voice coming back to normal range, his face scrunching in annoyance. Gradient just had breakfast two hours ago. How was he always this hungry? "So I heard that there is a security society full of elite magical unicorns in Canterlot. Have you ever noticed that despite all the unicorns that advancement in magic has become stale?” '
- I think you mean a "secret" society, not security.
- '...that despite all the unicorns that advancement...'
I think so much thatting makes the flow less supple. Maybe 'Have you ever noticed that despite all the unicorns, advancement in magic has become stale?” '
' Wing Beat frowned, bringing up one of her hooves to her mouth, lightly chewing on it as she thought. She really liked reading magic books despite not being able to use it as a unicorn did. So she knew when the new issues came out, once. One time, and it was just as Dandy said, when Starswirl got back. “You got a point.” '
I think some of the stuff setting up this paragraph to make sense is missing? I don't think anyone has said anything about when Star Swirl came back, or the new issues. I suggest carefully rereading to see where your editing got out of synch with what you think is in your story.
10479574
Oh no just a play on words do you wish for me to change it?
10479223
For starters, you have to be careful about getting too worked up yourself about the attitude of one commenter who seems to already have been ticked off before they even didn't read your story.
10479595
no no, it's ok
p.s. How does Dandy Lion look ?
how is he/she like ?
10479608
I'm just trying to get better. I am trying to get better and any advice is helpful even if its mean. I prefer it to be nice but you never know. Maybe I came off weirdly or didn't write my summary correctly, I think my picture hurt my story I thought it was funny but now that I look back on it it was a terrible idea.
10479586
EDIT} I went back to the chat and saw. I'm sorry i missed it feel free to ping me if you need me, or i don't answer. I'm very sorry i missed it. Thank you for taking the time to look this over. Again, I super duper apricate it.
"[EDIT: Someone pointed out this is not a sentence fragment, but a comma splice. My suggested story edit stands, though.] "
I kept it in, your comment.
[- EDIT: A comma after 'Dandy' would be formally correct.]
added!
"- Did you really mean 'hangry?'"
got rid!
I tried my best to fix this. Hopefully it is better.
Again thanks for stopping by and for all your help. I hope you have a good night ^u^
10479618
Alright ^u^
I imagine sort of like a dandelion, poofy mane, tail. He's a unicorn, blue magic. Blue coat though, so not too much like a dandelion, just enough to be reminiscent of. He's kinda goofy, creative, artsty type, easily jumps to conclusions, gets overly excited about his ideas. What is you oc like?
10479647
She's a Pegacorn (father was a unicorn, mother was a pegasus) but she tells ever pony that she's an Alicorn, and they should all knell to her and prase her, just for having a horn and a pair of wings.
She is vane, self-centered and entitled.
She keeps trying to get with my friend's O.C.
If your pony is a "SomePony"she'll try to get with you.
images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/42a1b24e-374b-42c4-975a-f17471e364fe/ddy7gzg-bd0fd7a0-c470-4159-962a-5b23e9033f4c.png/v1/fill/w_894,h_894,strp/dandelion_3_by_sweetstrokesstudios_by_niclove_ddy7gzg-pre.png?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3siaGVpZ2h0IjoiPD0xMjgwIiwicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvNDJhMWIyNGUtMzc0Yi00MmM0LTk3NWEtZjE3NDcxZTM2NGZlXC9kZHk3Z3pnLWJkMGZkN2EwLWM0NzAtNDE1OS05NjJhLTViMjNlOTAzM2Y0Yy5wbmciLCJ3aWR0aCI6Ijw9MTI4MCJ9XV0sImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTppbWFnZS5vcGVyYXRpb25zIl19.nsj5SkBJlAnQzoo9SpqQ4ttbB1XDUuRZ6JDk0fFQcdU
10479631
I personally find the word hangry a bit confusing, as I think of it as more of advertising slang than standard English. Not a story-killer though.
10479631
I think your clarification is much clearer.
I also edited my original big comment in a few places, marked where the edits to my comment might be informative or useful corrections to my original comment.
10479223
It is a combination of the picture and the fact that I am used to seeing stories on here that mock conspiracy theories, I suppose I jumped the gun a touch and I apologise for that.
I am very pissed off with the world in general right now for dissmissing the fact that we are currently going through a literal Global totalitarian takeover like people such as myself have spent the last decades attempting to warn was coming.
United Nations Agenda 21/2030 is going to kill over 6 Billion people and commit outright genocide. this is a touchy subject to say the least.
10479698
Intresting my pony is not anyone so we prolly wont get along. Thank you for telling me about her. Shes an intresting one.
10479950
It's quite alright dont wory about it. I thought it might be the picture so I took it down. I think with that picture I shot myself in the hoof a bit.
I struggle to come across right. Next time I'll double check the image I use with a friend. I mean I'm on here cuz I want to be good not cuz i am. Thanks for clarifying your response!
10479821
awesome i went back to the chat and read your comment. I'm so sorry about missing it. I'm ok with whatever amount of help you are willing to give. ^u^
10479979
maybe one day you should wring a story of those two bumping and meet each other
it would be called
Dandy Lion V.S. Dandelion
10480336
maybe! ^u^ lol
10480343
ha ha ha !