Aj = AJ
Apple Jack = Applejack
dripping like chocolate and poison. That's a strange comparison isn't it?

I suggest getting a proofreader. It has potential but it's littered with mistakes.

I don't even read clop!

I came for the Appledash.

Not bad. You could use a better Applejack characterization, in my opinion. I don't know what to say, really. Some errors, not enough to really drag anyone away from the story.

I dunno... I'll leave it up to my clop friends here...

1180662

I apologize, I wrote this a little around 12 last night while my friend was throwing ideas at me.

I usually have a proofreader but we don't work together anymore so I'm trying me best. lol.

1180669

I kinda wanted to give her a dark personality in this one. Like, all that pent up sexual tension and such.

but thank you anyways.

Sentence structure is a bit wordy in places. Few mistakes noted above. Written pretty well, but the language used isn't terribly stimulating to the mind, nor the dick. All in all, not bad, could use revision phase or two.

As for the concept, personally I'm not a fan of clop of this sort; I prefer clop that isn't for the point of clop, as in, there's a romantic backstory that builds to the point of fuckception. Not feeling much tension during the naughty scene, cloppable but could be more heated.

1180725

Thank you.

Thats how I am usually about clopfics, I prefer the couple to have a history together. Actual romance, not just sex. Which is why I decided to possibly write more to this, explaining everything that happens, why it happened, and such.

1180745

I'd definitely consider doing just that! One thing I'd also suggest is instead of using language descriptive of what physically goes on during the sex scenes, I'd throw in some language describing the emotional tension and climaxes, which are also very stimulating and allow readers to "get in the shoes" of the one either receiving or doling out the fuck.

1180776

I'm already working on it, don't you worry about it!

and thats true, thank you for informing me of that! Its been so long since I've written anything clop related so I was hoping some readers wouldn't mind helping me out. haha.

Short, sweet, and dirty. Just the way I like.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/298/073/68e.png

1180825

Awesome!