• Published 23rd Sep 2020
  • 1,812 Views, 136 Comments

A long road back - sykko



After being violently attacked, Sunset Shimmer has to deal with the long, slow progress of recovery.

Comments ( 14 )

But what happened to Blueblood?

11317644
He's in the clutches of Discord.

I had started to write about the human Celstia and Luna coming through the portal and asking what happened. Discord showed that he had been transformed into some kind of blind slug-like thing ala the end of I have no mouth and I must scream, but that came off a way to edgy, so I scrapped it and decided to leave it up to the reader to determine what happened.

Dangit I'm almost crying-it's so sweet but so saddd!

I bet Blueblood is suffering a fate far worse than death itself.

11340571
Yes but this prison set up seems like he was this a table. So I can only assume two things he is in low security prison. But that wasn't making sense because the most definitely be in the maximum security prison for killing three people in Cold blood. There with most definitely be a barrier between the two. (But I have read ahead so.) But one thing I have to say is she did put herself in a dangerous situation.

I love the ending to this. Not the 'happily ever after' nonsense. People die and it should not be ignored and it's still a happy ending. I wish more stories would go this far.

This is a truly blessed story. Full of so much entwined dark and light. Thank you for the emotional journey.

11701131
11562544

Thank you very much, kind readers.

Great story, thank you for writing this.

11711398
Thank you, kind reader.

11858380
Thank you, kind reader!

This was an interesting story to go through. There were emotional highs and emotional lows, and it was all tied up with a nice, heartfelt epilogue. It was also rather nice to see a world where the government is aware of Sunny and the other Equestrian visitors, and ultimately entered diplomatic relations.

That said, the story wasn't without it's flaws. Structure-wise, it's a bit of a mess, and a lot of it can be traced back to the golden rule of dialogue: "New speaker, new paragraph!" It can get rather hard to follow who is talking at times, especially when it all visually blurs together in large—at least on a phone screen—blocks. Breaking it up creates a better visual flow, and can aid in accessibility for those who may have vision or reading difficulties. This clip from a document on the Web Content Accesibility Guidelines website, regarding Visual Presentation sums it up best.

People with some cognitive disabilities can track their locations more easily when blocks of text are narrow and when they can configure the amount of space between lines and paragraphs.

For more advice on that particular topic, I recommend Fimfiction's own Writing Guide, which has not only tips regarding dialogue, but paragraphing, syntax, and more.

Another issue I'd like to provide some advice on is your use of asterisk chains to divvy up the scenes. On the most basic level, it can cause problems depending on user settings and how they navigate the site. For someone that uses small font-size in the site reader, it could look just fine, but for someone who uses larger font-size to account for an eyesight problem, this creates potentially multi-line block of asterisks. It can get quite repetitive, as well.

Additionally, are many users who will utilise text-to-speech engines to read out the story. This may be in order to account for a visual impairment, or they may simply do so in order to allow for multi-tasking. The problem with the asterisk chains becomes how some readers, such as those built-in on Android phones, attempt to interpret these. One or two characters may get ignored, but after a few, it'll start reading out the character. Having listened through the story, I can't begin to express how much I began to loathe hearing "Asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk..."

Aside from the story needing a serious edit pass sometime—there are cases of homophone confusion or straight-up missing words present throughout the story—my only actual complaints are regarding some characterisation and the pacing of things. On the characterisation point, it mostly falls down to the usual "Blueblood bad!" tropes stemming from one one-dimensional appearance of his pony counterpart in the show, which plays up his vanity to the point that it's his only defining character trait.

I'm not saying the ego isn't spot-on, but when Blue inherited the idiot ball from Long Pass, he went all the way for a touchdown without any sense of forethought. Even as an egotist who thinks he's above the commoners, he was at least somewhat competent of a diplomat. When he found out about Sunset's dual-citizenship, you would think he'd have a bit more forethought than to keep gunning for her directly. Stage a smear campaign, maybe find something he could get her deported for? Sure, those would make sense. But for him to send his fixer, who he didn't even seem to care was already in the police's crosshairs, while one or more organisations were building a case against him just added a whole new layer of 'Why?'

I applaud the depiction of PTSD in the story, and how sexual assault leaves its scars, but I can't help but feel like Sunset recovered and dove into her relationship with Wallflower far too quickly. Admittedly the large skips in time didn't really help show that she was actually healing. While I understand that some sexual assault victims skew towards promiscuity and hypersexuality in order to regain some control over things, with how scared, hypervigilant, and broken she seemed I can't help but think she'd be more likely to shy away from sexual touching for quite a while. The heavy petting could have triggered a trauma response just as easily as her acquired androphobia.

Other than those points of critique and my own personal gripes, it was interesting dip into the depths of trauma and rising beyond it all. I would definitely recommend both A Violent Attack and A Long Road Back to others with the advice to look past the formatting and the graphic depiction of rape in the first story.

11865310
Thank you for reading and your constructive criticism.

I hadn't learned how the different hypertext formats(not the actual term, but I can't think of it right now) worked when starting this story. I don't have the money to pay someone for editing and I don't want to go around asking people if they can edit my stories for free. I did have someone on a couple of stories who offered to do some editing for me. They helped with editing for a few chapters, but couldn't help out much past that as they had things in their life that took precedent. I was grateful for what they did and understood that sometimes things happen.

Thank you once again for reading and for the constructive criticism, I'm glad that you over all enjoyed the story.

Login or register to comment