- Member Since 21st Jul, 2013
- offline last seen 51 minutes ago
StormLuna
Princess Luna is the best princess and Nightmare Moon is the best queen.
StormLuna
Joined 21st Jul, 2013 ·
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... Um. What? I wanted to slap Luster silly in the Last Problem, but this is taking it over board, don't ya think? She wasn't that bad of a a character.
10456040
Luster really didn't get any time for me to form an opinion on her one way or the other. The most I got out of her was pre-series Twilight. You can probably tell though that Twilight is going to take a dark turn, a very dark turn.
10456045
Yeah, I got that idea for Twilight. Kinda hard to miss it. Granted, someponies totally deserve it too. So I won't miss some of those she kills.
And I got the same idea for Luster as well. Which frankly doesn't make any sense, seeing as who her teacher is. I can't see Twilight being like Celestia in that regard.
Well, this was psychotic. I suspect that isn’t really Twilight. Given that she calls Luster a “grub”, acts psychotic, and enjoys pony flesh, I’m going to bet this is actually a free Queen Chrysalis. She’s removed the real Twilight, and is masquerading as her to destroy her image.
10456065
Yeah Twilight and Celestia would be different. This is a matter of Twilight being pissed at Luster for rejecting friendship although Luster's comment regarding her being able to maybe learn enough to ascend herself certainly didn't help her any.
Well it is about damn time you put out a gore fic again! I was getting sick and fucking tired of all the damn clop. It gets old after a while. Gore will always be better than clop, always!
10456076
Nope, this really is Twilight and she's just getting started!
10456076
Can this become a story? Please? XD
10456091
It is a story and Twi is just getting started! Writing this was the most fun I've had since "Cozy Glow Drives Tirek Nuts." I think after I finish my third Election in Ponyville story, I may go back to writing more gore....because hey, Twilight has plenty of targets now!
10456100
I think they were referring to a story where the plot is Chrysalis is freed and masquerades as Twilight
I hope Twilight dies in hell for this!
She is a f****** Tyrant and a psychopath. If Celestia and Luna sees this. They Exile her to the Sun or even execute Twilight for being so Evil and Cruel.
I was sad she killed Luster Dawn. But I'm FRICKIN PISSED she is willing to kill Spike and Rarity too?! That is NOT how to use the "Magic Of Friendship" you Psychotic Bitch!
She is Frickin WORSE than any MLP Villain in history for doing this.
10456091
It could be. I don’t think I’d write it though. I’m occupied right now with my own Chrysalis-related fic, which takes a while to update. Come to think, she eats ponies in my story as well.
10456091
As in, the "Chrysalys is free and masquerades as Twilight"
10456121
Twilight might get what is coming to her eventually. I do have plans for who she will go after to satisfy her sudden blood lust. Twilight is bad so far but she'll never come close to being my # 1 killer unless I decide to have her target a lot of ponies.
Whether she'll wind up being the worst or not is beyond me.
10456082
You're a fine one to talk Violet, you've put out plenty of clop.....the stories involving you basically raping various mares. I will admit though that I loved seeing Colgate age regress you in that last one.
10456299
I like Sex, but I FRICKIN HATE RAPE!
Just look at the Caribou in "Fall of Equestia" Stories.
10456316
I haven't read that series. I'm not a fan of rape either. I write plenty of clop but it is only good if it is consensual and there is no mind control or violence involved in the sex....and foalcon is the most despicable thing on this site in my opinion. I banned it from my main group for a reason, minors and sex should never be put together.
Holy shit....... I wish there was a sequal! Great job!
10456417
I'm working on one right now! No way in Tartarus would I let that be a one shot!
So was this meant to be initially marked incomplete? Cause I think it was when you first put it out. It's complete now, and I know you're doing a sequel, so that's why I'm confused.
10456417
...no...FUCK NO! why the hell would you want more of this?!?
10456450
To you, it a bad story. Me? I see it as a good story! So please, mind your words.
10456316
There's a reason for some saying about it. "Short word, LONG sentence..."
That's a long red bar.
I think StormLuna is a sith lord.
10456357
"Foalcon is the most despicable thing, but the torture and murder of an innocent pony is enjoyable."
Ah, yes, that makes... No sense whatsoever.
I'm both confused and disturbed by this thought process.
10456045
What made you think this was okay to write?
As someone who loves good quality gore, I'm sorry to say this was not it for a few reasons:
1. Characters act OOC - OK, I get it, Twilight murdering someone is OOC in itself, but here, you got her going completely off the rails. It simply doesn't seem like her, but someone else.
Compare that to 'Cupcakes,' for example - even though Pinkie was murdering Dash, she still acted like (a crazed version of) the pony we know from the show, and so did Dash. Twilight and Luster, here? Not so much...
2. You told most of the torture scenes instead of showing them. In gore, good quality and long narration showing the characters' pain is needed, usually intermediate with character's actions. Instead, we got grotesque stuff like this:
Where is the narration showing Luster's suffering? Where is something, anything showing her thoughts, her begging for mercy, her emotions? I know there are other paragraphs where you show her feelings somewhat, but come on! 'She let out a shriek of pain as the drill struck her leg' - things like that are too flat, and not really showing anything, just telling it to the reader. You can do better
.
3. The cringy and unrealistic dialog and grotesque torture methods - characters acting OOC aside, the dialog itself was cringy as hell most of the time, especially with Twilight playing cannibal. And the whole cannibal thing in itself was even cringier. Honestly, I just can't see Twilight devouring someone, no matter how crazy she would get, and there are dozens of better (and scarier) torture methods you could use (eyes, ears, teeth, knees, genitals, etc.)
All in all, the whole story was more grotesque than scary. If you ever write a sequel with Spike, please take the above into consideration
.
10456447
I simply forgot to change it to complete before I submitted it for approval. That happens to me a fair amount of the time.
10456672
It is a thing about children, I simply don't like stories involving sex and kids. Murdering them is fine, fucking them isn't. My mind may work strange to some people but we all have the things we hate.
10456822
You haven't read prior works of mine, have you? This is beyond tame when compared to my "Colgate's Practice" series.
10456608
Yeah the red bar is long. Now I don't know if there are a lot of Luster Dawn fans here or if it is because it is Twilight doing the killing because when I had Colgate doing the killing, it had more likes than dislikes.....and Colgate spilled tons of blood and had a very high body count, including the whole Mane Six and all the princesses.
10456881
Thanks for letting me know what I could improve upon. The next one I am hoping to make more like my "Colgate's Practice" series. Yes Twilight was very OOC but that is because she lost rational thought when it came to her punishment of Luster but now she is a bloodthirsty hungry who seeks to kill more. Regarding the cannibalism, this isn't the first time I've written that into a story and it will be a part of the next one.
10456906
I assume you mean "stories where children are murdered."
So...Twi's never heard of spanking?
10456906
Tbh I think a big part of your issue is pacing and build up. Twilight killing someone is out of character from the show, but if developed and brought about the right way, most people will give it a pass.
Here, she goes from the Twilight depiction we saw in the show, to torture dungeon alicorn with gore and manic psychosis in less than four paragraphs. It feels rushed. There's no development, there's no exploration into how Twilight would have become this way, etc. Sure you could stick an Alternative Universe tag on it, but it still reads choppily.
It feels like what it is, just enough writing to get to the shock factor climax of the plot. You're probably getting a lot of dislikes because of that. I haven't read any of your other stuff, but I'm gonna go ahead and recommend you try and work a lot more on pacing, especially if gore and death are things you like to write.
10457081
Yeah, stories where children are murdered. Twilight has heard of spanking but she snapped here and that is why she brutally murdered her....well that and what fun would simply having her get a spanking be?
10457137
To each their own.
10457136
I suppose reasoning for this would be better than her simply snapping. I think I was better with that in the "Colgate's Practice" series. In the sequel though, she will be different. She will then have developed this but I am thinking of some good ideas, such as her victims' personalities that annoy her although with one, it will be for a much different reason....a reason I won't disclose here because it would be far too obvious who it would be.
...nigga what
10456906
Even a crazed person should still keep using his inherited traits and personality. See, this is the kind of misconception that ruins most gore stories. Think about it, even in anger/madness, Twilight is still Twilight. It's not that everything she accumulated in her head until this moment gets suddenly replaced by something completely different. It's all still there, and her actions should correspond to that. Otherwise, it's like reading a story about some OC named 'Twilight,' not our beloved horse
.
Again, think of 'Cupcakes' - one of the reasons this story got so viral was that Pinkie was still acting like Pinkie even in her crazed state. That made it believable, that made it good! 'Sweet Apples Masacre' went online shortly after, but that story is considered shit by most people - one of the reasons being that Big Mac was completely OOC there.
Don't make the same mistake. It can really ruin the story
It's not so much of a problem with cannibalism per se, more about the fact that you used that very early on. It's like starting a war by dropping an A-Bomb at the very beginning - it will be hard to top that with anything later on. I would suggest going gradually next time, and leave that as the finale (although, honestly, cannibalism is more on the 'gross' than 'gore' side. Some people will have a problem with that).
Geez and I thought Lyra and Bon Bon eating Fluttershy was awful. This is horrible 😢
10457736
What story are you talking about there?
Twilight can threaten me with whatever she wants, I’m snitching in a heart beat.
10459314
She'll stop you in your tracks before you can snitch.
10459318
She’s gonna do it anyways, might as well take my chances.
10459342
Have you ever read my Colgate's Practice series? Well that series will play a role in this as Twilight's favorite book series and she will be inspired greatly by it.
10459348
I don’t think I have. Also, are you saying that the story isn’t done?
10459395
I'm talking about in the sequel. The story involving Luster is done. Hell she is even going to want to match Colgate's body count. If you are a lover of gore, you'll love the Colgate's Practice series.
10459401
That’s what I meant. Also, I wouldn’t say I’m that big of a fan of gore, but I’ll still check it out.
10489651
Thanks. I figured I would do a story where Twilight punishes a student for being just like her when she was young.
ooooooooooo I like this! I might read some of your other stories!
10524677
If you like things like this, try my "Colgate's Practice" series!
10456082
I respect your opinion but if I had to choose between the two, clop is superior(it’s a bit immoral but at least they will still be alive).