What happens when you mysteriously show up in Ponyville? Pinkie Pie throws you a party, of course!
Others, however, are not so accepting, looks like its time to get a job and earn their trust, but you are definitely going to do it in your own way. But when luck takes every oppurtunity to screw with you that may not be as easy as it sounds.
A story about trying to find acceptance and a place in the world, and trying to avoid blueberry pies.
Okay, I didn't want to have to add this but it seems some people are misinterpreting the story, this is NOT a self-insert, nor is it a story of a human-turned-pony. What is it? Wait and find out.
NB: Yes, I know I put human in the check-boxes, and humans do feature, just give me some patience here, the story may not make sense until it is finished.
Replace ' with ". Right now it looks like they are communicating using thoughts.
I imagined the scenes exactly like that.
yyeeaahh... Bored now.
Is this the main character or Doctor Whooves... I can't know for sure.
1172385 not entirely using ' counts for speech as well, i know that we use " in the US but in many European countries the ' is acceptable for speech
anyway the story is fairly interesting though I'm a bit confused, the protagonist is obviously a former human but he doesn't show it. there's also a few spelling errors here and there
another thing I've noticed is that you transitions to different areas in the town aren't noticeable as you don't describe his surroundings and leave us guessing
as he enters the town you could have him examine the surrounding structures as he walked through the town noting those of interest and giving us some of the setting
[ ‘Ah there we go,’ As I headed towards the tree, however, I began to have my doubts, it appeared to be far too small to house a library, the final straw was when I got up to it, only to see hundreds of nigh on identical trees behind it,]
with this i had no idea what you were talking about until you had Applejack appear if you added that the trees had apples the reader would have a better grasp on where the events they are reading about is happening
1172553 Yeah, I tried to stay vague due to the fact that the character doesn't know where he is and apart from a few key buildings the ones in Ponyville are very similar, and the point being that he is losing his patience.
The next chapter should be a lot clearer as he starts to pay a bit more attention, and as for the human thing, that will be explained in due course (and no, it has nothing to do with amnesia).
I have run a spell check on the whole thing and have made some ammendments already but there are so many made up words in there that I may have missed something, if there's anything tragic that stops you from understanding something, let me know.
Thanks for the comment, the idea in this chapter was that I introduced characters rather than settings but I do see your point and I'd rather not put people off by being vague, I'll probably write up a version with your suggestions in and see how it sounds to me, whether or not it mucks with something later.
But anyway, I appreciate the comment, this is the first thing I've ever written concerning ponies, and I know I'm prone to mistakes.
1172412 Doctor Whooves doesn't feature in this story. And I will point out that these are only introductory chapters, the story kinda starts next chapter, I know it can be frustrating, but I'm kind of trying to find my footing.
1172553 Also I notice that Spaniards and such use:
<< These as speech, >> I said, << Although they are supposed to be smaller. >>
1173472 Yes I know, I just found it strange that the pony that woke up in a 10-foot (Foot? Wut are foot? Pones haz no foot! Them have hoofes!) crater without questioning that very fact. (Edit: Also the fact that he is British)
He was just like:
'I woke up in a hole but that's OK cause a town is nearby' and he then used is perfectly formed body with absolutely no evidence of any sort of force that would be required to make such a humungous
holecrater in the dirt on it to climb his way out of theholecrater. Then he met pones!I for one suggest that you have him found by a character and then transported to hospital. Where he then wakes up and freaks out. It'll be much better IMO. (In My Opinion)
Anyway, my view might seem a bit exaggerated because I didn't actually finish reading it.
School and boredom disallowed me to continue.
1173764 Yeah, I will point out that the craters not supposed to be huge, wide, but not deep, and I do recognize that I shouldn't use those measurements, I did correct myself a different time but I guess I forgot it there.
And whats wrong with being British?
His nonchalance about this should be explained though I might write an alternate version of chapter one using some of those ideas and then see which people prefer, do you reckon you would read that?
1173810 1. I guess I forgot that detail, but as I said before, I skimmed it because, like a rock covered with algae on the bottom of a raging river, it failed to catch me.
1.a. I guess... lol
2. Why nothing at all! I can't seem to begin to fathom as to why you managed to deconstruct that being British is a bad thing. I said nothing of the sort! I just think that a feller waking up in the center of a crater being British is a tad bit far fetched.
3. His nonchalance should be nonexistent, I mean, how would you react to waking up in a crater that is presumably made somehow by you? Not to mention that he wakes with a perfectly formed cape. I'd find that a tad bit concerning won't you?
1173866 I never meant it like that, I mean, lets take a pony, okay, now it's a unicorn, now he's blue, oh, and his mane is white, and he can talk, now, let's transport him to another world, ponies have built villages, have magic and can use their hooves like they have opposable thumbs, and the weirdest part for you is that the characters British? It just seems odd.
The problem is that I can't really explain it without giving away too much of the story.
1173874 What? THAT'S what happened? That didn't make any sense! Maybe the hinting could be better in the first chapter. Like:
"We've never done a transforming like this before."
"All for science it seems"
"Are you sure this is even safe?"
"Well, the horn itself seems to like the subject's brainwaves and pulse."
"That's what you said about the last dozen test subjects."
"I know, but I can't feel it this time, it WILL work."
"If you say so..."
1174025 No, that's not what happened, my point was with all the random that crops up in stories on this site, I just thought it was odd that your point of enquiry was about the character being British.
1174061 Not about British! About inaccuracies and confusing plot points!
I think it`s pretty good though i don`t understood everything.
The humour is excactly my case and the narration of the story is well too.
I am waiting for more.
1174529 Yeah, the story isn't really supposed to make sense yet, it kinda has to come together at the end for all the oddness to make sense, though I am thinking of changing this a bit to make it a little clearer though I'm not sure I should, or a lot, depends, if many more people post comments that say they don't understand this at all then I might scrap it for a complete re-do, but I still believe It'll come together, I just need people to bear with me, it should end up being two seperate stories, this one and a sequel.
1174191 which inaccuracies? And yes, the plot is confusing, bevcause it hasn't really started yet, at least you don't know where it's going yet.
1174578 Inaccuracies such as he wakes in a crater wearing a cape that he supposedly always had, and hasn't got any evidence of the crater on it. Not even dirt, or a scratch, or a tare at least.
And if you're going for the Confuse/Reveal tactic then you're going to have to reveal black truths. Truths that are real, but aren't real. Paradoxes
. Give your readers a topic covered in false beliefs then make it known that the topic they had was covered with poison, surely they'd go for the topic covered with the 'antidote'. But be careful when using this tact, it is a hard one to pull off successfully and would just infuriate both reader and author if used incorrectly.
Have fun.
1176064 That would be an inconsistency, not an inaccuracy, and that's intentional and besides, who said he fell into it?
And no, it is not a confuse/reveal, there's no misdirection going on, things will just be explained later.
1176142 Then make that later, now, as I already said, and have said countless times before, if the starting doesn't catch you, the rest of the story doesn't have a chance.
1176257 Okay, that's it, I have tried to be nice but every time I try to explain something to you you seem not to take it into account, and to be honest I've looked at your page and you've not finished a story barring one that has a single part, you can hardly preach to me about grabbing someone with an opening when the only part of a story you ever seem to write is that before discontinuing it, it hardly puts you in a position to start acting as condescending as you have been. And I am sick of this and so I'm going to leave it there.
1176552 *Ouch* Right in the pride...
Well I'm not, now that you have insulted my work I can calmly dispute it.
I suck at creating, while I have an amazing imagination, stunning character development, and fantastic vocabulary (Or access to a thesaurus... whatever floats your goat) what ever I create sucks immensely... However, I can edit, and I can edit well. Don't believe me? Check out these examples:
1. The Apple of My Heart
2. The Pony Scrolls: Equestria
3a.Human's Double Fantasy prologue
3b.Human's Double Fantasy Chapter 1
4. Strange Love
So you see mister Cabllio, contrary to your belief... I know what I'm talking about.
*forgot to post this earlier*
1176142
Side note:
No misdirection? There is plenty misdirection going on, at least, what I can pick up/ Remember.
1. The mysterious voices. I mean, duh, with the only detail being the voices there are many directions that can take. Are they Ponies that decided to buck with the laws of nature and Pony rights decide to buck up a pony for science? Or are they medical agents that found the wrecked body of a human and decided to save it by putting it's brain in a pony's body, or robot? Are they just entities designed for the sole purpose for bucking with Equestria like in the 'Chess Game of the Gods' series? Is it Celestia and Luna, deciding to buck laws of nature and pony rights? Perhaps some more detail is required, a type of writing utensil that one used, or computer. If it was the former, most likely pony, if it's computer, either a secret pony society or human scientists. Maybe a body part? If it's a hand/foot one can assume it's human. If it's hoof than it's ponies or donkeys or something to that extent. If it's Claw/Paw or what ever, at least it gives the reader some direction.
2. Yes, Yes it is a confuse/reveal. Because the voices at the start really confused me, and I can only assume that you are about to reveal them, and I can only assume you will reference them inside the story itself and try to lead us into thinking somepony/one/body else is the pony/thing/one behind the voices. It'd make sense that way.
1176552 On a complete unrelated and rather ridiculous note:
I imagined you saying your comment with the same scowl the character in your Profile Pic has.
Hilarious
1176552 You know, I've noticed something.
You're not a writer, I don't know what to call you but I know you are not a writer.
A writer would not dispute ANY criticism that anyone gives, it doesn't matter the reasons.
When (not if, when) someone says, "Your work is bad and you should feel bad!" A writer wouldn't just rebut with, "Well you're an idiot, so, ha." The writer will contact the person and say, "Now, why exactly is my work bad?" and they give reason and the writer improves their work. That is what this site is for, a collaboration site for writers to access and improve from.
You don't join this site, put this... thing... up when it obviously hasn't gone through a good editor and expect people to just accept it as it is! It won't happen like that. You will get people like me say, "This story is bad, and you should feel bad. Now, fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!" However, I am not me at the moment, I am posing as a Discorded version of myself, for the lulz. If it was me I would have just straight away put this though my editing abilities and posted it as a comment and avoided this conflict.
Regardless, you shouldn't have reacted the way you did.
Before you react to that sentence, let me confess something, and give you a piece of advice.
I may have started it, but you are the one who continued it.
Now, obviously you won't respond to this comment straight away, I doubt you will even read it fully, so I'm PMing it to you as well. Fell free to ignore, comment, delete or whatever. I'm going to post this regardless just so I know I tried.