Insertion

by Ferrus Caballio

Chapter one

My eyes blurred slightly as I woke up, shaking my mane from eyes I attempted to stand before my body decided otherwise, forcing me to land unceremoniously back in the dirt as the world span around me. Doesn’t it normally do that anyway? No, don’t be ridiculous, why would the world spin? But I thought it did. No the world definitely does not spin, this is your own personal problem.

I rolled over onto my belly, deciding it was best to take it slow trying to get back to my feet again, erring on the side of caution worked and soon I was stood, if in a slightly wobbly fashion. Okay, systems check, four hooves, check, tail, check, eyes, really? That’s on my checklist? Whatever, check, mane, check, marking, check, teeth, check, nose, check, tongue, check, fur, check, cloak, check, horn, check. Alright! Let’s get going!

I stepped out of the shallow crater, it was only a couple of feet deep at its lowest point and smoothed out nicely, making getting out no issue, though all the grass had been burned away. Odd, wonder why I wasn’t burned? Oh well, count your blessings and all that. I cracked my neck at the same time as my back legs, stretching in some rather undignified ways as I grunted at the relief this granted, I then reared up onto my back hooves to do the same for my back and my forelegs, leaving me feeling much more limber I shook myself out and made as if to head off.

‘Woah! What happened here?’

I turned to see an orange earth pony mare wearing a Stetson over her blond mane, her eyes were wide in astonishment.

‘Honestly, I have absolutely no idea,’

‘But, but, there was a tree there,’

‘Really? That’s odd, maybe it burned up, the evidence does seem to point towards that conclusion,’

‘But, a fire potent enough to burn up a strong apple tree like that should have done far more damage,’

‘That is true,’ I planted a hoof on my chin ‘Well, not much can be done about it now,’

‘I, I guess not, say, you didn’t have anything to do with it did you?’

‘Don’t know, maybe, can’t remember doing anything,’

‘Well, I guess I’ll take your word for it, though if I find out you had something to do with it, you’ll be in trouble,’

‘Only fair I guess, wait a minute, how much does one of these cost?’

‘Sweet apple trees are priceless,’

‘I see, so how much would it cost to facilitate you to grow a tree of comparable quality?’

‘I don’t know, something like 40 bits for the high-quality sapling, then it pretty much needs leaving be,’

‘Alright then,’ I reached into my cloak and pulled out a pouch containing a hundred bits, it was always worth carrying separate packages where money was concerned, especially if you were carrying a lot.

‘There you go,’ I threw it to the mare ‘Just in case it turns out I did do it,’

I turned to walk off when a thought occurred, made me feel rather foolish for not thinking of it before, really.

‘Is there a town near here?’

The mare was staring at the money pouch balanced on her hoof before she snapped her gaze back up to me.

‘Oh, yeah, Ponyville, it’s just that way,’ She gestured rather absently with one hoof.

‘Much obliged,’ It didn’t take me long to find the road leading from what I’d gathered to be an orchard, the trees were just too uniform for it to be anything else, not to mention the fact that the mass of trees had belonged to someone. The walk to the town was surprisingly short, first impressions were not great, the individual homes were rather nice if a little overdone in terms of decorations. But everything still looked almost unbearably twee as a collective, maybe it was a building regulation, maintain the aesthetic of the town or something, one thing was for certain, I needed more information on the place, with that thought in mind I collared a passing pegasus.

‘Excuse me, do you know where I could find out more about this town?’ Her reply was completely inexplicable due to the volume at which it was uttered ‘Beg pardon?’ Once again, completely incomprehensible ‘One more time, at a volume that a pony might actually be able to hear,’ My patience was starting to wear thin.

Next thing I knew, a rainbow-coloured blur knocked me to the ground and made its way to some point above me.

‘What were you trying to do, sleaze-ball?’

I sat up, rubbing my head and feeling rather annoyed.

‘My dear psychopath, I was merely trying to converse with somepony else, I only just got here and I do not appreciate being assaulted upon sight,’ I blinked ‘Well that sounded bloody posh, much better, maybe I could use that-?’

‘Excuse me, I believe you were talking to me?’

‘Oh yes, sorry, got side-tracked, the mind does tend to wander after a blow to the head,’

‘I’ll show you a blow to the head,’

‘Alright, a little less belligerence, please-,’

‘Are you a new pony? You sure look like a new pony! Wow! You’re tall, no offence, does that make it easier to look over fences? I bet it does, oooooooh, party!’ And then the pink earth pony was gone without a trace, I blinked a couple of times, not sure whether that had actually happened or not.

‘Yo! Over here! Eyes front!’ I turned my attention back to the pegasi before me ‘I believe we were having a conversation,’

‘Oh, yes, we were,’ At that point I really wished I had some glasses, and a hoofkerchief to wipe them on, just to add to the impression ‘Do either of you have some glasses I could borrow?’ The rainbow one looked at me like I was insane and the yellow one was trying to sink into the floor ‘Anyway, where can I go to find out about this town without being attacked?’

The rainbow pony seemed to be utterly derailed by me changing subjects so quickly ‘Um, I don’t know,’

I snorted and turned on my hoof before wandering off randomly, hopefully I could find somepony more helpful along my way, before I could get anywhere, though, a blur streaked past my head, ruffling my already untidy mane to such a degree that it flopped over my eyes. With a puff and a toss of my head I returned it to its regular position.

‘What now?’

‘You think you can just grab Fluttershy and then walk off?’

‘I hardly did anything to her! I only asked whether she could give me some direction as to how I might avail myself of some enlightenment about my current whereabouts!’

‘What?’

I sighed, realising that I had a tendency to over-complicate things when annoyed ‘I thought maybe she could help me find out where I was,’

‘Why didn’t you just say that?’

‘I did, just not in so many words, now, if you’ll excuse me,’

‘Um… alright then,’ She slowly floated out of my way, apparently bemused by my reasonable responses to everything and I continued upon my way humming something to myself as my good mood returned, not loud enough for someone else to hear, mind. However unwillingly I found that the look of the town was growing on me, great, just what I need, a sense of belonging.

‘Right, so far ponies in the middle of town have been less than useful, maybe I should have stuck with, what was her name again-?’

‘Cutie Mark Crusaders go!’

‘What?’ *CRASH* several small fillies ploughed into my legs, causing me to topple right on top of them ‘Well, this is certainly turning out to be an interesting day…’

The three fillies bolted to their feet in a perfect line ‘Are you okay, mister?’

I sighed as I got up and started to dust myself off ‘I’ll be fine, just look where you’re going in future,’

‘Don’t worry! We will!’

‘Ooh, girls, maybe we could get a cutie mark for it!’

‘For looking at stuff?’

‘For being look-out ponies!’

Then they all piped up together, nearly blowing my ears off in the process ‘CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LOOK-OUT PONIES GO!’

And then they all shot off as I stood there dazed.

‘Sweetie Belle? Is something happening?’ I barely managed to make out what they were saying through the ringing in my ears ‘Oh dear! Are you alright, sir?’

I shook my head to clear the buzzing and managed to get my eyes pointed in the same direction ‘Oh! Yes, thank you, just a little dazed,’

As I turned she let out a little shriek ‘What? Is something wrong?’

‘My good sir, your cloak!’

‘What about it?’

‘It must be replaced at once!’

I unintentionally raised a hoof as I looked at it, I was kind of fond of it, unfortunately, whoever this crazy pony was decided that was an invitation to drag me inside, and so she did so, I had, and indeed still have, no idea of exactly what happened, it was all a blur of fabric and critical looks until finally I stood there in a brand new black cloak and waistcoat, I had to admit, as much as I hated the ‘creative process’ the end results didn’t stack up too badly.

‘There, much better,’

‘Um, I’m afraid that in my current circumstances I find myself unfortunately destitute,’ Damn, I have got to stop doing that! ‘Ah, I mean-,’

‘Don’t you worry about it, dear! It’s nice to find a pony here who is willing to use their full vocabulary, not to say there aren’t others, of course…’ She trailed off ‘And don’t worry about the cost, I simply couldn’t resist, dear,’

‘Um… well, thank you, I guess, but could I have my old cloak, just to hang onto?’

‘Of course! I can understand why you might want it for sentimental reasons,’

‘Thank you,’

‘It looks well worn, are you an avid traveller, then?’

‘In a way, general wear and tear, really,’

She handed me a box which had my old cloak folded up inside it and I took it off her.

‘New in town, then?’

‘Yes, only arrived today, how did you know?’

‘Well, I saw Pinkie going along, excited about throwing a party for somepony new, she does it whenever she has the opportunity, so when you showed up, looking as careworn as you do, I thought it likely that you were our mystery visitor,’

‘Ah, well, I’d best be on my way, before I go, do you know where I could find some information about the town?’

‘My best suggestion would be to find the library,’

‘Oh really? Could you tell me where that is?’

‘It’s inside a tree, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it,’ She pointed down towards the centre of town, where I had been headed originally.

‘Right, thanks again,’ I took a good look around to make sure I had my bearings, in the process I got my first good look at the store I had just come out of. Oh, you have got to be kidding me! It made sense, I suppose, that the outside be just as gaudy as some of the creations I had seen on the interior but really? A full model of a carousel?

‘I really hope that isn’t a building regulation,’ Deciding to leave it be for the moment I headed off.

I was looking up at a huge tree with a door in the front along with several windows, I could even see a balcony near the top. Well, I guess it isn’t so bad, at least it’s not over the top.

I knocked, not receiving a reply I pushed the door open slowly and spotted a lavender unicorn mare with her back to me, concentrating hard on something.

‘Um, excuse me?’

She let out a little shriek and jumped a good few ponylengths into the air, knocking the table in front of her over and sending something flying onto the stairs at the back of the library, as she hit the floor she stumbled into a bookcase, sending the books flying, one of them slammed down on an inkpot, sending it shooting across the room to collide with a hat stand which toppled over. Once that was done with, I sighed, glad that nothing had happened as a result of all this.

‘Twilight! Is something wrong?’ A small purple dragon appeared in the upstairs section and made to rush down the stairs, before he could do so, though he slipped on whatever was on the stairs, he landed flat on his back and sent it flying towards me, before I could do anything about it, it smashed all over my face. I licked some of the mess off my face and sighed.

‘Blueberry,’

A/N This has been heavily modified, I believe it improves how the chapter reads.

Comments

[Discorded Q]

yyeeaahh... Bored now.

Is this the main character or Doctor Whooves... I can't know for sure.

[Snowfyre]

1172385 not entirely using ' counts for speech as well, i know that we use " in the US but in many European countries the ' is acceptable for speech

anyway the story is fairly interesting though I'm a bit confused, the protagonist is obviously a former human but he doesn't show it. there's also a few spelling errors here and there

another thing I've noticed is that you transitions to different areas in the town aren't noticeable as you don't describe his surroundings and leave us guessing

as he enters the town you could have him examine the surrounding structures as he walked through the town noting those of interest and giving us some of the setting

[ ‘Ah there we go,’ As I headed towards the tree, however, I began to have my doubts, it appeared to be far too small to house a library, the final straw was when I got up to it, only to see hundreds of nigh on identical trees behind it,]

with this i had no idea what you were talking about until you had Applejack appear if you added that the trees had apples the reader would have a better grasp on where the events they are reading about is happening

[Ferrus Caballio]

1172553 Yeah, I tried to stay vague due to the fact that the character doesn't know where he is and apart from a few key buildings the ones in Ponyville are very similar, and the point being that he is losing his patience.

The next chapter should be a lot clearer as he starts to pay a bit more attention, and as for the human thing, that will be explained in due course (and no, it has nothing to do with amnesia).

I have run a spell check on the whole thing and have made some ammendments already but there are so many made up words in there that I may have missed something, if there's anything tragic that stops you from understanding something, let me know.

Thanks for the comment, the idea in this chapter was that I introduced characters rather than settings but I do see your point and I'd rather not put people off by being vague, I'll probably write up a version with your suggestions in and see how it sounds to me, whether or not it mucks with something later.

But anyway, I appreciate the comment, this is the first thing I've ever written concerning ponies, and I know I'm prone to mistakes.

[Ferrus Caballio]

1172412 Doctor Whooves doesn't feature in this story. And I will point out that these are only introductory chapters, the story kinda starts next chapter, I know it can be frustrating, but I'm kind of trying to find my footing.

[Discorded Q]

1172553 Also I notice that Spaniards and such use:

<< These as speech, >> I said, << Although they are supposed to be smaller. >>

1173472 Yes I know, I just found it strange that the pony that woke up in a 10-foot (Foot? Wut are foot? Pones haz no foot! Them have hoofes!) crater without questioning that very fact. (Edit: Also the fact that he is British)

He was just like:

'I woke up in a hole but that's OK cause a town is nearby' and he then used is perfectly formed body with absolutely no evidence of any sort of force that would be required to make such a humungous hole crater in the dirt on it to climb his way out of the hole crater. Then he met pones!

I for one suggest that you have him found by a character and then transported to hospital. Where he then wakes up and freaks out. It'll be much better IMO. (In My Opinion)

Anyway, my view might seem a bit exaggerated because I didn't actually finish reading it.

School and boredom disallowed me to continue.

[Ferrus Caballio]

1173764 Yeah, I will point out that the craters not supposed to be huge, wide, but not deep, and I do recognize that I shouldn't use those measurements, I did correct myself a different time but I guess I forgot it there.

And whats wrong with being British?

His nonchalance about this should be explained though I might write an alternate version of chapter one using some of those ideas and then see which people prefer, do you reckon you would read that?

[Discorded Q]

1173810 1. I guess I forgot that detail, but as I said before, I skimmed it because, like a rock covered with algae on the bottom of a raging river, it failed to catch me.
1.a. I guess... lol

2. Why nothing at all! I can't seem to begin to fathom as to why you managed to deconstruct that being British is a bad thing. I said nothing of the sort! I just think that a feller waking up in the center of a crater being British is a tad bit far fetched.

3. His nonchalance should be nonexistent, I mean, how would you react to waking up in a crater that is presumably made somehow by you? Not to mention that he wakes with a perfectly formed cape. I'd find that a tad bit concerning won't you?

[Ferrus Caballio]

1173866 I never meant it like that, I mean, lets take a pony, okay, now it's a unicorn, now he's blue, oh, and his mane is white, and he can talk, now, let's transport him to another world, ponies have built villages, have magic and can use their hooves like they have opposable thumbs, and the weirdest part for you is that the characters British? It just seems odd.

The problem is that I can't really explain it without giving away too much of the story.

[Discorded Q]

1173874 What? THAT'S what happened? That didn't make any sense! Maybe the hinting could be better in the first chapter. Like:

"We've never done a transforming like this before."

"All for science it seems"

"Are you sure this is even safe?"

"Well, the horn itself seems to like the subject's brainwaves and pulse."

"That's what you said about the last dozen test subjects."

"I know, but I can't feel it this time, it WILL work."

"If you say so..."

[Ferrus Caballio]

1174025 No, that's not what happened, my point was with all the random that crops up in stories on this site, I just thought it was odd that your point of enquiry was about the character being British.

[Discorded Q]

1174061 Not about British! About inaccuracies and confusing plot points!

[Camo Flash]

I think it`s pretty good though i don`t understood everything.
The humour is excactly my case and the narration of the story is well too.

I am waiting for more.

[Ferrus Caballio]

1174529 Yeah, the story isn't really supposed to make sense yet, it kinda has to come together at the end for all the oddness to make sense, though I am thinking of changing this a bit to make it a little clearer though I'm not sure I should, or a lot, depends, if many more people post comments that say they don't understand this at all then I might scrap it for a complete re-do, but I still believe It'll come together, I just need people to bear with me, it should end up being two seperate stories, this one and a sequel.

[Ferrus Caballio]

1174191 which inaccuracies? And yes, the plot is confusing, bevcause it hasn't really started yet, at least you don't know where it's going yet.

[Discorded Q]

1174578 Inaccuracies such as he wakes in a crater wearing a cape that he supposedly always had, and hasn't got any evidence of the crater on it. Not even dirt, or a scratch, or a tare at least.

And if you're going for the Confuse/Reveal tactic then you're going to have to reveal black truths. Truths that are real, but aren't real. Paradoxes . Give your readers a topic covered in false beliefs then make it known that the topic they had was covered with poison, surely they'd go for the topic covered with the 'antidote'. But be careful when using this tact, it is a hard one to pull off successfully and would just infuriate both reader and author if used incorrectly.

Have fun.

[Ferrus Caballio]

1176064 That would be an inconsistency, not an inaccuracy, and that's intentional and besides, who said he fell into it?

And no, it is not a confuse/reveal, there's no misdirection going on, things will just be explained later.

[Discorded Q]

1176142 Then make that later, now, as I already said, and have said countless times before, if the starting doesn't catch you, the rest of the story doesn't have a chance.

[Ferrus Caballio]

1176257 Okay, that's it, I have tried to be nice but every time I try to explain something to you you seem not to take it into account, and to be honest I've looked at your page and you've not finished a story barring one that has a single part, you can hardly preach to me about grabbing someone with an opening when the only part of a story you ever seem to write is that before discontinuing it, it hardly puts you in a position to start acting as condescending as you have been. And I am sick of this and so I'm going to leave it there.

[Discorded Q]

1176552 *Ouch* Right in the pride...

Well I'm not, now that you have insulted my work I can calmly dispute it.

I suck at creating, while I have an amazing imagination, stunning character development, and fantastic vocabulary (Or access to a thesaurus... whatever floats your goat) what ever I create sucks immensely... However, I can edit, and I can edit well. Don't believe me? Check out these examples:

1. The Apple of My Heart
2. The Pony Scrolls: Equestria
3a.Human's Double Fantasy prologue
3b.Human's Double Fantasy Chapter 1
4. Strange Love

So you see mister Cabllio, contrary to your belief... I know what I'm talking about.

[Discorded Q]

*forgot to post this earlier*
1176142
Side note:

No misdirection? There is plenty misdirection going on, at least, what I can pick up/ Remember.

1. The mysterious voices. I mean, duh, with the only detail being the voices there are many directions that can take. Are they Ponies that decided to buck with the laws of nature and Pony rights decide to buck up a pony for science? Or are they medical agents that found the wrecked body of a human and decided to save it by putting it's brain in a pony's body, or robot? Are they just entities designed for the sole purpose for bucking with Equestria like in the 'Chess Game of the Gods' series? Is it Celestia and Luna, deciding to buck laws of nature and pony rights? Perhaps some more detail is required, a type of writing utensil that one used, or computer. If it was the former, most likely pony, if it's computer, either a secret pony society or human scientists. Maybe a body part? If it's a hand/foot one can assume it's human. If it's hoof than it's ponies or donkeys or something to that extent. If it's Claw/Paw or what ever, at least it gives the reader some direction.

2. Yes, Yes it is a confuse/reveal. Because the voices at the start really confused me, and I can only assume that you are about to reveal them, and I can only assume you will reference them inside the story itself and try to lead us into thinking somepony/one/body else is the pony/thing/one behind the voices. It'd make sense that way.

[Discorded Q]

1176552 On a complete unrelated and rather ridiculous note:

I imagined you saying your comment with the same scowl the character in your Profile Pic has.

Hilarious

[Discorded Q]

1176552 You know, I've noticed something.

You're not a writer, I don't know what to call you but I know you are not a writer.

A writer would not dispute ANY criticism that anyone gives, it doesn't matter the reasons.

When (not if, when) someone says, "Your work is bad and you should feel bad!" A writer wouldn't just rebut with, "Well you're an idiot, so, ha." The writer will contact the person and say, "Now, why exactly is my work bad?" and they give reason and the writer improves their work. That is what this site is for, a collaboration site for writers to access and improve from.

You don't join this site, put this... thing... up when it obviously hasn't gone through a good editor and expect people to just accept it as it is! It won't happen like that. You will get people like me say, "This story is bad, and you should feel bad. Now, fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!" However, I am not me at the moment, I am posing as a Discorded version of myself, for the lulz. If it was me I would have just straight away put this though my editing abilities and posted it as a comment and avoided this conflict.

Regardless, you shouldn't have reacted the way you did.

Before you react to that sentence, let me confess something, and give you a piece of advice.

I may have started it, but you are the one who continued it.

Now, obviously you won't respond to this comment straight away, I doubt you will even read it fully, so I'm PMing it to you as well. Fell free to ignore, comment, delete or whatever. I'm going to post this regardless just so I know I tried.