Ranger Takes on Equestria

by I aint no damn brownie

We Shall Engage in Hoofsticuffs!

I woke up with a snort.

“I literally have the smallest dick in the world.” I muttered to myself. Damn, horse world has some drawbacks.

No, I’m not telling you what I was dreaming about.

I nudged Blueblood. “Hey, let’s get going. We’ve got ass to kick.”

He slowly woke up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. No homo, but that’s kinda cute. He nodded and stood up.

I did the same, stretching my body. Cracks and pops echoed off the cave walls. Blueblood did the same, and I started walking. Blueblood lit his horn.

“Morning.” I said.

“Good morning.”

No conversation followed. We were mostly just tired.

Until I heard a faint buzzing.

“Hey, do you here that?” I asked.

“You mean hear? You spelt that wrong.” Blueblood corrected. “But yes, I do.”

“Wait, what? Whatever. Yeah, that’s weird. I wonder what it is.”

As we were walking, the sound of buzzing became louder. It reached its peak when we ran into a wall.

“Is.. is it a dead-end?” Blueblood asked.

I looked around.

“Up there!” I whisper-yelled, pointing to a tiny opening about 5 feet above me.

“What is it with Changelings and crawl spaces?” Blueblood sighed.

“Get on my shoulders.” I said, and got on my knees. He climbed on.

I stood up slowly. Damn, this guy’s heavy.

“What do you see?” I asked.

“Go left a little bit.” He said. I followed the request.

“Oh...oh my Celestia..”

“What? What do you see?”

“There’s.. so many!” He yelled. Dude!

I walked backwards and fell down. He fell along with me, and when I righted myself I glared at him.

“Don’t yell! You almost gave us away!” I scolded.

“Well sooooorrrry! I was shocked!”

“Ugh, whatever. It’s fine. Let’s hope that nobody-“

“Hey, who are you guys?” I heard.

I looked up to the hole. A changeling sat in it.

I pulled out my gun and pointed it at him. “You saw nothing.”

“I saw something.” He replied. Smartass!

I shot the gun. Since I was a little far away, all it did was give him multiple wounds, not blow his head off. He yelled in pain and fell back through the hole.

“Well, shit! Look at what you’ve done! He’s definitely getting backup!” Blueblood accused.

“What I’ve done?! Eat my dick, dude! The root of this issue started with you!” I pointed a finger.

That’s when I noticed that the buzzing had stopped.

“Wha-! I will not... eat your.. phallus! You-!”

“Shshs shut up!” I whispered. He shut up.

Then the wall collapsed, revealing roughly 800 changelings.

“I don’t have enough ammo for this shit!” I groaned.

They charged.

I ran circles around them, shooting constantly. Blueblood saw my tactic and was doing the same, except he didn’t have a weapon. He was using a bone fixture.

Many died. And it was too easy.

Nobody was using magic. Just fists. And last I recalled, you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. You don’t bring fists to a knife fight. And you definitely don’t bring fists to a gun fight.

But then I realized that I was the guy that brought the gun to the fist fight. Oh well! They’re evil, morals are out of the question. I declare thy world: Black and white!

I looked over at Blueblood. He was slowing down. He looked exhausted, and his spells were coming slower and slower.

Click!

Click!

And I am out of ammo.

Think, Trent! What can be used as a weapon? You were in the United States Military, you were taught to be vigilant!

I looked over the room, and noticed that all the dead bodies shared a feature...

A horn.

I went up to the closest one and grabbed hold of it. I twisted and pulled, the horn coming off easily.

I swirled it in my hand. Sharp.

A changeling jumped at me and I stabbed the guy with the horn. Jesus! Talk about brutal!

I picked up a body and swung it in circles like Mario. It knocked out plenty of bugs.

I swung it around some more until the body detached from the legs. Yuck.

“aGGHHHH!!!!!” I heard someone yell.

A giant wave of blue wiped out each changeling.

I looked over at Blueblood, who was on the ground. I ran over.

“You alright man?” I asked, leaning down.

“T-tired... AOE spells are taxing..” He muttered, before starting to lightly snore.

Fuck, bro down. He was like the only one keeping me sane.

I CAN DO ONE DEATH MISSION ALONE... BUT NOT TWO!

NOT TWO!

Fuck this.

I grabbed another changeling horn and shoved it in my pocket. I propped Blueblood against a nearby wall.

“Alright buddy. Stay here. I’ll be back.” I whispered.

I walked through the collapsed wall.

...woah.

It’s like.. a changeling civilization in here.

And up at the front of it?

The lady in charge.

Wow, what’s up with this world? Why is every single member of royalty a girl? And why is the population mostly women? I swear, Blueblood is like the only guy I know besides the guards. But I’m pretty sure the guards are clones of each other.

Wait, I’m off topic. I need to commit a hate crime, not discuss women.

“Well, who’s this? It seems you’ve... TAKEN OUT MY ARMY?!” She yelled, horn flaring. “What the buck?!”

I scratched my head awkwardly. Oh wait, helmet.

“You... you insolent WENCH! You will pay for that!”

She fired a spell, but since she fuckin’ telegraphed it for 22 seconds before firing, I easily dodged. I started sprinting towards her.

She fired more and more spells, each attack being telegraphed. How have people even lost to unicorns in fights?

Dodge, dodge, roll, dodge, roll- ow, sharp rock, dodge-

Oh, I’m here.

I took out the changeling horn and swiped, cutting a bit of her cheek. She hissed and jumped back.

“Okay. It seems magic is useless. We shall engage in hoofsticuffs!” She yelled, putting up her hind-legs,

How is she-? Whatever.

I threw the horn away and put up my fists. “Let’s go, she-bitch!”

She growled and jumped at me. She threw a punch, and it connected.

See, I’ve never actually been in a fight. I had siblings growing up, but I never threw punches. I’m used to guns.

I threw a right hook. She dodged effortlessly. Dammit, maybe I shouldn’t have thrown away that horn. I threw a left hook, but at the last second I pulled it away and went for an uppercut. She attempted to dodge the left hook, which left her open for said uppercut.

“OOUGH!!” She yelled as the punch connected. She went through the air and landed hard on the ground.

I waved my hand around a little. That stung.

She stood back up and charged. I jumped right to dodge but then dodged left instead. I stuck out a leg and she tripped.

I ran over and put my foot on her neck.

“Where is everyone else?” I demanded. “Tell me or I’ll snap your neck right here, right now.”

“They’re... up there..” She whispered. I looked up.

Oh.. good lord.

Pods. Many, many pods. Each holding one or more ponies.

Fuck..

“H-how.. how do I get them down?” I asked.

I heard a gasp. I looked down at her.

She’s looking over at.. sunlight? It’s coming through some holes in the ceiling.

She started to laugh.

“You... you left her unguarded, didn’t you?” She whispered.

“Wait, NO NO-!” I raised my leg to step on her neck.

Her horn flared and she teleported away.

“DAMN IT!” I yelled. I looked around in a panic.

RUMBLE...

I looked up.

The roof was collapsing.

I was going to be crushed if I didn’t start moving.

I started running through the civilization, going back to the cave wall.

“BLUEBLOOD!” I yelled, running over to him. Still sleeping. “Fuck.”

I grabbed him and put him on my back. I sprinted over to where we first started, completely forgetting about the pit.

“oh, SHIT!!” I yelled, falling to (I assume) my FUCKING DEATH.

..

So, uh.. this is it I guess.

Sorry, Blueblood.

Sorry Celestia.

Sorry, Elements.

And... I’m sorry, Luna.

We didn’t have much time together, but it was fun. I’ll miss-

ker-SPLOOOSH!!!

I coughed.

Water?

Water!

I’m alive!

But, IN A LOT OF PAIN! I BELLY-FLOPPED WITH CLOTHES ON!

I quickly swam to the surface. I gasped in a breath when I felt my head reach air, and I looked around. Two bodies were floating in the water.

I swam over to them, and tore the horns off.

I stabbed one into the wall, and then the other. I hoisted myself up.

Wait.. I should be dead, shouldn’t I? The roof was falling, right?

Nothing. I guess it was just in that area.

I stabbed the wall again, beginning my ascent. I tried to put as little weight on them as possible, resting in every divot.

“This.. is fucking.. stupid.” I muttered.

“I should be at home.. eating my Mother’s pork roast. Why.. did I come to horse world..?”

Eventually, I did reach the top. One horn had snapped in half, and the other was barely clinging on. I pulled myself up and breathed heavily. I.. I did it.

But I’m not done yet.

I touched my back to make sure Blueblood was still there, and I dashed off towards the entrance. I fell to my stomach and crawled through the hole.

I stood up on the other side, breathing heavily. I covered my eyes as they adjusted. The fresh air was nice.

I started running back to town. I needed food, and definitely some water. Hopefully they would give me some charity. I didn’t have any bits on me.

---

Okay, so nobody wants to give the alien some food. But... there were water fountains. So I didn’t go thirsty.

Also, they saw me with Blueblood and thought I was kidnapping him. Nobody seemed to care about that.

I walked up to the train station and sat down. I pulled off my helmet. I didn’t want to do this.. but..

“Spare change?” I asked the crowd, waving it around. I really should’ve grabbed some bits from the castle.

Maybe then, I would still have my pride.

Although.. maybe I forgot about how nice this universe was. The first person that came up to me dumped enough bits in for two train tickets.

“Thank you, ma’am.” I said to the maroon pony. She nodded.

“Of course.” She walked away.

Huh.

I pulled out the bits and ran to the stands, putting my helmet on.

“Canterlot.” I said. The guy at the stands nodded, handing me tickets. “Thanks.”

I looked at my ticket. The train should be leaving.. right now.

I ran to the train and jumped on at the last moment. The doors shut and the train started moving. The guy checked my ticket and nodded.

I sat down in a chair, taking off Blueblood and putting him next to me. I relaxed my shoulders and let out a deep breath.

“Okay.. looks like I’ve gotta play the hero some more.” I muttered. I took my helmet off again and put it in between my legs.

I ran a hand through my hair, pulling out the knots. Fuck. What am I going to do? Chrysalis is definitely already at the castle.

Yet, Celestia is already awake. The sun being raised is a sign of that. I hope she’s holding her own in the fight.

You’re just gonna have to hold out for a little bit longer, Celestia. I’m coming.

---

Chrysalis teleported into the throne room, where Celestia sat.

Instantly, a beam was fired from the Alicorn’s horn.

Chrysalis shot a beam up above her, but soon fired back with a counter.

The beams clashed. The green was easily overpowering the yellow.

But at the last minute, the yellow fought harder and won.

Chrysalis was blasted into a nearby wall. She slowly fell off, groaning.

A changeling-shaped dent was left in her place.

“What.. have you done?” Celestia asked, calm tone betraying her honest feelings.

“The.. plan.” She coughed. She nodded her head above Celestia.

Celestia looked upwards, and didn’t have time to stop the stones that fell on her from the roof.

She was knocked out instantly.

Chrysalis breathed deeply, and stood up. She walked over to Celestia, who was making a weird snoring noise. Chrysalis hit her in the head and she stopped.

She levitated the stones and her body away. She sent out a location spell to the remaining changelings.

One instantly flew inside, taking Celestia’s body away. The rest gradually arrived.

Chrysalis sat in the throne, sighing. “We’ve done it, my children. We’ve taken over Equestria!” Chrysalis yelled, which caused the small crowd to start cheering.

“That insolent beast is dead, and everypony who could’ve stopped me is in comatose. The plan.. has succeeded.” Chrysalis muttered. The crowd cheered louder.

Chrysalis concentrated on a certain spell.

“Dear Everypony..

It is I, the Queen of the Changelings. But now?

The Queen of Equestria..

That’s right. Your leaders are gone. Luna, Celestia, Cadence, and Shining Armor. My army took them all out...

Enjoy your new life!”

Chrysalis stopped the spell and groaned, rubbing her growing headache. That took a lot of effort. For such a small message, you’d think it would be easy, but no.

---

I ran through a panicking Canterlot. What do I do? I can run into the castle, but I will quickly be overpowered. I am at a huge disadvantage without my gun.

Wait, I can try to find my original arsenal-! Wait, no. They’re probably all destroyed or locked away.

So.. what the fuck do I do? I can’t just go in there. Huge nuts can only get you so far.

And then I spotted a weapons shop.

“Oh, that’ll work.” I muttered. I ran inside.

No guns, but blades galore. I grabbed a few knives and one sword.

I put said sword on my belt for easy access. I turned to the guy hiding behind the counter.

“I’ll pay you back one day. Scouts honor.”

I wasn’t a boy-scout.

I ran out of the store. I looked over at the castle.

Let’s do this.

Author's Note:

Writing this at my grandmas house. 3:13 PM, my brother is right next to me. Let’s hope he doesn’t get curious and look at what I’m doing.

Give me some feedback as always!

OH, also: I have an insta for this account now.

Instagram!

Follow me if you want like, background info or behind the scenes or something.

Comments

[Starlight Nova]

But, aren't Quake and Doom different games?

[I aint no damn brownie]

10373059
Yes, they are. Why do you ask?