Staring Back At Yourself
“Here you go, Miss.”
Miss. I’ve always hated that word. Well, not always. It didn’t really bother me when I was younger, but that was then. I still don’t know why, but whenever I hear it I get this uncomfortable crawling in my stomach.
“Thanks…” I half-heartedly replied as I grabbed the bag of groceries in my magic.
“Are you all right, dearie?” the cashier asked with concern. I subtly cringed as she spoke.
I didn’t give her a response as I walked away staring at the ground, not wanting to burden somepony else with my troubles. Even if I was worth the time… No, stop. I told Lily that I’d stop this.
Sighing, I began to ponder what was wrong with me. I shouldn’t be so upset at the simple mention of a word like miss, right? She doesn’t even know me, so why would that bother me?
My thoughts drifted to my cutie mark; a big red heart with white outlines and two smaller hearts surrounding it. It was supposed to represent how I always know what to say to make ponies happy, but how can I do that when I can barely keep myself happy? If I didn’t have Lily I…
Shaking my head I looked up to notice I had already arrived back at campus. I couldn’t tell whether to smile or frown.
On the one hoof, I’d get to see Lily again. But on the other, I didn’t think I had enough energy to hide my insecurities from her. Not that it would have mattered; that mare can pry anything from me.
The main hall at the entrance was a fancy place, bursting with color that was bright enough to catch your eye but subdued enough to not seem tacky. It would have felt right at home in Ponyville, but even in Canterlot it still managed to fit with its surroundings.
It was well-maintained sure, but our wise guy principal thought it was a good idea to put a bunch of mirrors around to help show you how beautiful you are.
I barely heard the stallion at the front desk, trying to ignore his annoying attempts to flirt with me.
This in particular bothered me the most. I wasn't angry because I was already taken or just not into stallions. No, I was angry because that's what he expects me to be. What everyone expects until I tell them otherwise. Except, I don't tell them anything.
I just hope that they'll leave me alone. Some are irritatingly persistent.
Shaking my head angrily I continued towards my room.
Well, not just my room. Lily was always trying to make it very clear it was our room, not just mine or hers. It was one of the charms that really drew me to her.
For as long as I've known her she's always been one to share things with others. Always offering her last piece of candy or some extra cash she was planning on spending on something else.
In many ways she always makes me feel bad about how mopey I’ve been lately. She’s probably the best roommate I could ask for, helping me out whenever I feel confident enough to ask or just being there for me. But here I am acting like some stereotypical goth who acts like they’ve been a victim their whole lives.
I pushed open the door to…our room and placed the bags quickly on the squeaky-clean counter to sort out later.
A lavender-blonde mare stared back at me with sad, depressed, golden eyes; her mane a long flowing stream. I stared for what felt like hours before I wrenched my gaze away from the counters surface and shook my head.
Something just never felt right when I saw that image. What was it? The colors, the shape, the style? It always blended together into this mesh of dissapointment and anger.
Tears stung in my eyes as I let my mind batter me with questions, the groceries forgotten. My legs collapsed from under me and I cried as silently as I could, not daring to inconvenience Lily with my problems.
It seemed my efforts were in vain as I felt a pair of strong hooves embrace me from behind. No questions were asked, just a mutual understanding between me and her as I turned and buried my face in her chest.
My tears matted her magenta fur and she stroked my mane gently, an unusual softness that I didn’t see very often. Even through the haze of my emotions, it was comforting. We stayed embraced, the room silent other than my sobbing and her whispered assurances.
”It’s okay.”
Eventually, my sobbing quieted down, but that didn’t stop my self hatred from spreading through every inch of me.
Shouldn’t I be cheerful? That’s what my cutie mark says at least. Why am I such a failure? I...I can’t even live up to the potential of my special talent. I’m...
”It’s okay.”
I sniffed through my nostrils trying to clear them up. “No, it’s not okay!” I shouted as she held me. “It’s not okay, it never will be okay! I’m worthless!”
”Dinky, stop! You’re not worthless!” she held me ever so slightly tighter, her tough, familiar grasp calming me a bit. “Just, please. Tell me what’s bothering you, I want to help.”
”I…” I tried to bury myself deeper in her fur. “I can’t…”
”Yes you can, Dinky. You might not think so, but you’re the strongest pony I know. I might have super strength, but that’s nothing compared to you. You’ve always been so helpful and kind to others, always bringing out their happiness. I want to do that for you, so please, tell me what’s wrong.”
Her words sparked something in me and I sniffled, feeling a different stream of tears build up. “Promise?”
”Promise.”
I wrapped my own hooves around her and nuzzled into her in a hopeful joy. This is Lily, my best friend in the whole world. If anyone could help…
”I… whenever I look at myself I feel this hatred that I just can’t understand. Everytime I hear somepony call me miss or lass or even dearie, I just can’t stand it. They expect things from me and always insist that I should be like what they think I should be, even if they don't say anything.
"I look in the reflection and see somepony undeserving of love, and that I should just run far, far away so I don't hinder anypony else.
”Y-you’re the only one keeping me from acting on those thoughts, because I know how much pain it would cause you. I… I hate being a mare!!”
At the end of my emotional exposition I was breathing hard and shuddering in Lily’s hold. She nuzzled my cheek to comfort me and just held me close.
”You don’t have to be.”
”W-what?”
”If you really hate being a mare then you don’t have to.”
”I don’t? But, how?”
I couldn’t see her face, but I could feel her concerned smile shining at me. She loosened her hold to look at me and her smile was as radiant as I had imagined.
”Dinky, you know I will support you through every step, every hurdle. All you have to do is embrace it. Let yourself be happy. Please. I can’t see you like this anymore.”
Her words struck a chord and my thoughts ran at a million miles per hour. I could be happy. I just needed to embrace it. Embrace what? Is it…
”I… I am not a mare. I am not… a mare. I am not a mare. I am not a mare!” I repeated as I felt more emotion then I had felt in over two weeks.
I finally figured everything out. Why I hated how I got adressed by everypony. Why I hated looking at myself. I was in the heart of euphoric realization as I chanted my new mantra.
”I am a stallion!” I yelled proudly as I hugged Lily as hard as I could, almost outdoing her strength from the sheer happiness I felt flowing through me.
We sat there in each other’s arms silently, both of us smiling; Lily’s a calm, warm one, and mine one of imperfect purity as tears streamed down my face.
“I love you, Lily,” I said quietly.
She kissed me lightly on the cheek. “I love you too, Dinky. I’m proud to call you my coltfriend.”
Coltfriend.
That sounded nice.
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You should add this story to the Pride and Positivity event, because it will raise money for charity!
10295684
Way ahead of you buddy
"Roommate" Uh-huh ;)
Nicely done~
This story was super cute. I hope you keep writing.
I loved it way to go
#Transrights
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10295693
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10295819
Thank you all for the positive reception. When I read though the Aero-Replies blog, the portrayal of Dinky and Lily was really intriguing to me.
I decided to write a story inspired by it, showing how I think Dinky would come to terms with what she feels while making it stand on its own.
Over the course of the day I've been making tiny little adjustments such as grammar checks and adding to sections that feel redundant.
The sheer amount of favourites I've gotten is astounding. I even got onto the Popular section!
Thanks to all of you!
10295843
U r welcome
Dang, this is fantastic! Very, very well done! Your really good with descriptions of everything. It makes the story even more interesting.
10296265
Uncle Funcle says I didn't stunkle.
How Funcle that Uncle says I didn't stunkle even without my glorious puncles.
But seriously thanks for the praise.
10296312
I don’t know what that was, but it was hilarious
Okay, so you asked for criticism in The Writer's Group. Here goes:
There wasn't enough smooches! I wanted more smooches!
That is all.
Seriously, this was a sweet, nice short read. Well done.
10296465
Thanks! While I do agree that there isn't enough smooches, I think it would break the flow of the story if I added a kiss earlier or extended the ending for another one.
Still, glad to see you enjoyed it.
This was really sweet. Great job on your first story! Have you told the Aero-Replies writer about this?
Ok, I don’t really have enough information about such stuff but this one allow me to symphethies with it.
Though here is my criticism...
-the (") was left open in some parts and I wasn't sure when the dialogue was about to end.
_ and this line (somepony who deserves to be die.)
I think it should have been *somepony who deserves to be dead* instead.
Nice first story.
10296619
Not yet but I'll get to that soon enough.
10296832
Thanks for the criticism. Although unless you're talking about something different, when the same character continues talking into another paragraph, you forego the (") on the end of the first paragraph and any others that follow.
Other error is fixed now.
Still thanks for reading!
10296491
Nah, I was mostly just being silly. It really is perfect the way it is.
That being said, if you ever wanted to write more about these two, and said writing involved smooches and cuddles and maybe even dates, I would 100% read it.
While I liked the writing overall, the core of the story feels somewhat weak. Dinky comes off more like a whiny young girl (she's even somewhat self-aware on that) rather than a person who deals with a serious condition.
Erm... Sorry, but even if that's a legit use, it's still doesn't sound right.
Ouch. While it makes the whole 'angsty teen' image authentic, isn't it a little bit too much? Also, Dinky from the comic seemed tougher than that to me.
P.S. Lily was really nice.
10297747
Thanks for the critique!
The first one I already fixed before I read your comment, but yeah that line does seem a bit extreme.
Also in the context of this story, Dinky is a far more vulnerable spot. She hasn't told anyone about her fears and thoughts yet, not even Lily, and holding it in has caused her a lot of stress. Combine that with mind being against her and the things she notices during this particular day, and it's kind of inevitable that this would happen eventually.
I'll tone down a few things though, thanks again for leaving a comment.
10297761
As a heads up, for a trans character, it's proper to address them by the pronouns for their proper gender even during a time before they realized they were trans. Granted, I'm not sure if Dinky still uses female pronouns in Aero-Replies.
10298147
Good to know. I changed the description as it's the only thing in the story to directly refer to Dinky as female.
The reflection shows what he sees not what he is.
Also, in Aero-Replies Dinky asks Aero to refer to him as brother. Although Lily is still the only character who knows he's trans.
Support leftist charities? Sorry, but don't you dare getting political on this site.
10302318
I should note, that I'm not actually doing anything political.
A decent amount of the stories submitted to the Pride and Positivity event have these charities in their descriptions as well.
I'm linking it because a charity is a charity, and no matter what anyone says it still helps people. And you don't have to donate if you don't want to.
Also you can't expect everyone to be right-wing during pride month. The month where the whole point is expressing rights.
Now, after all that, if this was meant to be an ironic comment then I apologize. But if this was serious then please think before you bring politics into something that has no relation to politics.
Cute! Ncce to see a short fic based on it
Those mirrors are a good touch.
10307674
Thanks! Glad to hear they did something for you.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213901/my-little-reviews-feedback/thread/440843/reviewing-reflections
I'm sorry that I couldn't score it. My lack of knowledge of the transgender mindset made me feel like I wasn't knowledgeable enough to score it. I hope you can understand and forgive me. It is a good story with solid grammar in my opinion.
10310139
It's alright if you don't feel like scoring it.
I can understand that not everyone can really tap into the mindsets of others easily, especially in more unique cases like this.
I can respect that you sacrificed a crucial part of most reviews due to lack of knowledge. Some people might just role with it and score it anyway, not really understanding the intricate design of every little piece the story has to offer.
Thanks for the review anyhow.
Cheers!
10310139
Also side question, based on how you said to get the opinion of another author, does that mean I should put it up for reveiw again?
It seems like I'd take up time for other, probably better stories to get reviewed, but at the same time, with no disrespect to you, I would like to get a fully fleshed out reveiw.
Just would like clarification.
10310225
I will talk to the group manager about it when he gets up tomorrow. He'll be able to talk to both of us about how to proceed with this. I think there are a couple of stories that have had more than one person review them.
10310225
My group leader said that you are allowed to resubmit your story to a different author and to let him know so you don't get the usual holdback time. I am sorry for the trouble I caused.
10310385
It's all forgiven no worries!
Wow, this is really touching. It's really great being able to read about this type of relationship in a new and uplifting light. I once had a relationship - not completely torn apart because of this - but it had a lot to do with it.
Biologically female and for a long time I really loved her, but she went through some really bad stuff and had body dysmorphia related breakdowns a lot. She didn't want to go by male pronouns like "He" or retain the female pronouns. She felt like she was gender-fluid and wanted to be referred to as "them". The thing is, it was really hard for me, and I like to think of myself as a very open-minded person, but...
English, being my first language (and also being a gendered language) I heavily rely on using the terms, He, She, Him, Her, in normal conversation and swapping them all out for - They/Them - was really hard for me, which upset her every time I messed it up. It ended up just making me feel like shit and a terrible human being. It also made me much more hesitant to speak up when she was around, in fear that I would screw up and make her upset. Obviously, it's not good for a relationship when you feel like garbage every time you're with a S.O.
I'm glad to read something where this type of relationship works out, especially with how damn cute it is. Keep up the good work. Sorry for ranting.
This feels... well, fast. Probably too fast to get a good, deep slice of an enormously complex issue and its many ramifications for a person's life.
It also reads a bit like a cliche idea or stereotypical prototype of the transgender discovery experience, rather than digging into the tailored nuance of an individual's unique narrative.
What's here is alright, but I think it could be made even better by expanding it out and really exploring Dinky first and foremost as his own person encountering being transgender, rather than just being mostly an exercise in, "this is a transgender character, oh and his name is Dinky." You know?
10310823
Well, it was a submission for an event, so that means it likely had to fall under a certain amount of words. And for the length, I'd say it focuses on what it needs to in order to tell a concise story. Obviously the longer you make a story the more space you'll have to developed characters and plot, but that doesn't seem like that was the intention of this.
What a sweet story, I really enjoyed this read. Thank you for sharing this.
Adorable! I really hope you write more of these two. The comic has a lot of inspiration for slice of life fun, and I'd love to see you write these two some more.
hey have a review k thx bye
Hello Emotion Nexus,
Here is my review on your story above.
I hope you have fun writing the story.
Sincerely,
Scoping Landscape
I'm not sure if you've noticed, but someone put this in the f/f shipping group even though it's about a straight romance.
10548875
Thanks for the heads up! I'm not sure why it was in there, but it's been fixed now.
This is a sweet story.
I just have to say this is another story that I really like and I can some what relate to expect it's other way round.