A female protagonist, that's rare. But I can't say the same for the Manticore encounter.

What the hell is with the hate already?Whats wrong with you guys?!This has amazing potental!

1157244

I was thinking that the first encounter should be a cockatrice, but I found turning to stone wasn't what I was looking for.

The manticore encounter may not be very original, but it suited my needs to the letter so I went for it. Sometimes one just has to think, "If it aint broke, don't fix it."

Ya know what, this is pretty good. Needs some commas here and there, and some indenting that needs to be fixed, but the actual plot is pretty good.

1157427

I know what you are talking about and I have decided that any paragraphs starting with dialogue won't be indented. I have been told in the past that my writing style can sometimes make it difficult to find character speech. In this way, the speech stands out in a non obtrusive way.

More.This is very good!Track,like,and fav'd!

1157437 Okay, your writing is your writing, I'm just informing you on some grammatical issues. You can say that they're more like suggestions, but what do I know.

derpy.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134282941129.png

1157468

Oh absolutely! I was not saying your suggestions weren't valid in the least!

I thank you for bringing it up to me and I will certainly endeavor to fix it. I was simply explaining it to you in case you thought me a total foal.

1157467

Thank you very much! I will try not to let you down!

1157493If you want to let me down you would have to take away my laptop AND my internet connection!

Very good potential!
cdn.walyou.com/wp-content/uploads//2012/03/Obama-not-bad-meme.jpg
I shall read on

1157416 Well I'd venture a guess that there's more then just Manitcores' Cockatrice, and Timberwolves living out there. I'm not actually complaining about the Manitcore, I just don't get why people always resort to one of these three monsters. You could potentially use any beast from Greek mythology and it would fit. Even the world of harry potter has some interesting creatures that wouldn't be out of place to use. Well that's my two bits anyway.

And if you don't mind me asking, but who exactly will be putting that romance tag to use in this?

1157580

I am afraid I can't reveal that just yet.

As for the manticore, you are correct. Making up a new creature or using one in myth would be perfectly ok, however I wanted a sense of familiarity. The manticore was my way of telling people Krysta was in the everfree forest without outright saying it.

Ok

1157244 Sorry, but I must correct you, a "Female Protagonist" is known as a "Heroine" (not heroin) and are quite often used.

For you readers who like to read the comments first, this is a spoiler comment! Be warned!

The description was attention grabbing, and the introduction was spotless.

However, The story seemed to take a dramatic increase in pace after Krysta was assaulted. One event lead to another quicker than it should have.
Furthermore, no explanation was made as to how Zecora knew that Krysta was intelligent, and therefore, worth saving. After all, a completely naked human could appear to be an animal to those unfamiliar with them.

You have turned me off, but I'm certain this fan-fiction can shine with more work.

Keep calm, and brony on!

Why hasn't this been featured? It totally deserves it.

1157813

You make very valid points and I applaud you for speaking them without being simply negative about it.

However I am a little disappointed that you say you were turned off by it, so allow me to explain and hopefully give you something good to take from it.

The speed of this chapter was intentional. Not only for the sake of keeping interest but for the rules of the site. Any new story MUST have solid evidence that it is about ponies. My original chapter was simply her in the first part with the bandits. With the rules of the site however, I needed to put something pony in it in order for it to be approved.

The last bit at the end was simply my ticket into getting it posted. Trust me in the fact that it will be explained next chapter as to why Zecora did it.

Other than that, thank you for your kind words and compliments. I have been planning this story for a long time. To see it start to materialize and get such feedback gives me that warm fuzzy feeling.

I'm so sorry, but I cant resist... 50 right?

1157955

Beg pardon?

I don't understand.

It's a reference to 50 Shade of Grey

It's a horrible book from what I have heard

1157858
You are very much welcome, but, if you will allow me, I would like to give you some future advice:

Don't strap on pony content to the first chapter just because you need it, but rather, work it into the first chapter.
Pace your plot points, and don't be afraid of longer chapters: "Background Pony" has chapters in excess of 26 THOUSAND words, yet remains popular because of good writing.
You're a pretty good writer, so don't be afraid of making your chapters a bit longer so you can say what needs to be said in this fan fiction. I don't believe longer chapters would be detrimental to it!

Peace out, brony!

1157989

Ooohhhhh. No, not at all. I wasn't aware there was such a story in fact. I got the idea from a friend of mine, as it gives hint at the contrasts we will see in the story.

It's just a title similarity

1157999

Thank you very much for the encouragement and advice! It helps out quite a bit.

I do however promise you that later chapters will absolutely be as long or as short as they have to. You can count on that.

Interesting story... also...
verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/demotivational-posters-this-is-shades-of-grey.jpg

1158011
You are welcome.

I also believe you have encouraged me to stick around for Chapter 2, at least.

Wow! But I didnt like the beginning very much because I want to rip those idiots skulls in two

1158053

That makes me glad! I am finishing it up as we speak. Though not all of my updates will be this quick, I can't stand leaving readers with a cliff hanger for too long.

Not since Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

the horrors....

shades of gray... shades of gray... 50 shades of gray

1157813

One thought came to mind about the Zecora saving the human thing. The story says "... the strange creature...", and it's written as though this is what Zecora was thinking. If the creature really was strange, then surely Zecora, of all people, would want to get to know more about it (her)?

1158000 50 shades of grey is most noted for being paperback porn. Honestly, I thought this was a clopfic before reading the description because of the name.

1158163

Oh dear...perhaps I should change the title. I wasn't aware of that.

1158111
Yes, but the urge to rescue, so as to learn about a "creature" seems to fit more along Twilight's behavior to me, and not Zecora's.
Zecora does not strike me as a biologist, but more like an herbal scientist.
This is okay, however: Zecora's behavior is open to interpretation.

1158163 most of us did

Title change due to some unfortunate misunderstandings.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

1158272 Not bad. I haven't read this, but may I suggest 'Greyshade' or something along those lines

NOOO!!!! CHANGE IT BACK

1158272
what about "50 shades of friendship"

1158181 good idea. The new title is much better.

1158403

Well I don't really want to reference a porn book.

1158440 I COMMANDETH YOU!!!!

1158527

Ummmm....I gotta go...

*Exits stage left*

1158272
That should avoid some issues I'd suggest losing the period though, doesn't really belong in a title.

the kinda-rape sceen was unnessicary but oh well.

Excellent edit! You didn't do anything to the story length, but you still managed to make it seem naturally paced, and less rushed! (I believe the line between Krysta's arrival and her Manticore encounter helped a lot)

Making Krysta talk in the presence of Zecora really helps readers (or at least, me) get an idea of her reasoning behind her actions. Hearing something that sounds like talking is an important clue for her, isn't it? (I may just be guessing here. For all I know, you may not have edited this portion, and I've just forgotten about it.)

Also, did you do anything to the initial description of our perturbed protagonist, Krysta? For some reason, it seems improved to me, as though you changed your wording a little bit.

One problem, however...

"With a bone grinding halt Krysta's lithe form collapsed onto the forest floor, every fiber of her being screaming for relied."

Minor spelling error. I didn't notice it before, but it's nothing big. Easy fix.

That having been said, I declare this to be a successful fix!

Have a moustache (better than a regular mustache!) for your jolly good fix-up.