This story is a sequel to Popcorn
A dedicated young stallion lacking any documented background spearheads Equestrian sovereignty's political ambitions for the betterment of Equestria. His professional life is fraught with varying immorality, betrayal and mystery while his personal life is blessed with wealth and freedom to do as he pleases. Despite his blessings, he struggles to develop any meaningful relationships and feels the need to look over his shoulder quite often. One day, he finally sees something over his shoulder and it is unlike anything he ever thought possible...
Chapters (1)
I promised you feedback on this story, so here it is, albeit it's a little shorter than what I normally write. At least it didn't take me a few months to get to you, yay!
I have to say, I enjoyed this chapter much more than in case of your other story. There was still a bunch of tense shifts, typos, roughly-worded sentences and the like obstructing the story's flow, but I'd say the amount of these wasn't so large. (They're still really noticeable though, so you should look for someone or at least something to help you fix these.) There was also a bunch of spots that felt a little repetitive--seriously, I get that Amethyst is old and weak, no need to convey that to your audience a dozen times. Despite all this, the growing tension in the story was palpable and made for a good hook. I'd say that if you fixed the aforementioned issues, this could make for a good opening chapter to a solid mystery thriller story
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Your feedback is most appreciated and I am so glad that this piece of work was better recieved. Yes, old habits are hard to break and I will address that before I continue this story's development.
Hey! I like this opening for a chapter. It has piqued my interest.
Descriptions (characters and scenery) and dialogues are short and precise, and that's a good thing. I was able to center my attention quite well because of how nice everything was paced and even though there are a few typos, none of them were annoying enough to hurt the story.
Great opening. This is a good start for a Popcorn sequel, and it has already presented a good mystery on its own.
Thanks for a nice read.
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Ah, cool! I am really glad to hear that!
So, I know it is a prolouge..., but what do you think about Deldius?
To be honest, first impressions are important and since we barely know anything about Deldius (as of this point) it's hard to express my thoughts.
If I had to describe him in one word, it would be self-righteous. He takes his actions to extremes but believes he is doing so for the greater good acting wilfully recklessly and hurts others to accomplish his goals. (but that's only my first impression of him, I mean, he set fire to a library)
It's a good character. It's the kind of character you want to read about because his actions are mysterious and interesting. I want to know why he set fire to the library. What knowledge is he trying to keep hidden from everypony? I want to know why he thinks the way he does and who is he.
One thing is for sure, he is anything but plain.
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YES!
Sorry, just right now after reading that I am like "WOOOOOOOOOOOO, HECK YEAH!"
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Hahah, glad you like my comment.
I would like to read more about him and what this mystery is all about.
Hope this story continues when you have to time to write the next chapters.
Wish you the best.