The Stars

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A thousand years alone can really make you think about just how small you are in the universe.

Entry for Secret Moon's Self Isolation contest. Art was graciously drawn by my sister, her Instagram can be found in the source link!

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Comments ( 4 )

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Ice Star

Ice Star #1 · May 4th, 2020 · 1 · ·

You write a very good Luna, and all while she doesn’t have a single line of dialogue. The stars being significant to her power and sense of self was very nicely done.

The cover is lovely stuff too.

NaiadSagaIotaOar

NaiadSagaIotaOar #2 · May 4th, 2020 · 2 · ·

I would keep the horizontal rules, personally. I guess it depends on what your intent was, but I liked having the different segments be broken up like that, it suggested a passage of time that I thought worked well with how Luna looks at the stars in a couple different perspectives throughout.

And for the most part I enjoyed this! Quite touching by the end, and I liked the narrative voice. But I think it could've been tidied up a bit. There were a couple places were the prose got kinda clunky.

Here, for instance, in the second paragraph:

Shining above, day and night, those little twinkling lights kept her company when she needed it most. They gave her the love she so desperately needed, their dim light comforting her during her darkest time.

This more or less says exactly the same thing twice in a row. And there're some instances where the structure of things got confusing, like here:

No one had ever paid them any mind, every living thing too busy worshipping the one star that shone above them.
Oh, how they loathed how she mocked them, her warm glow bringing life to Equestria, but driving away their calming presence.

Where basically I wasn't sure at first who "they" were, or who "she" was. The last usage of "they" referred to "every living thing," but here it looks like it's meant to refer to the stars. And "she" has meant Luna up until now, but suddenly it's being used to refer to Celestia? Through context, I don't think this was indecipherable, but I found it a lot more obtuse than I'd have liked.

MayhemMoth

MayhemMoth #3 · May 4th, 2020 · 3 · ·

10217115
Glad to hear! Luna's one of those characters I'd like to write more of. And I'll be sure to tell my sister you like the art!

10217126
I personally thought they felt a bit clunky, but that's just me. I always worry I use them too much. Glad to hear it seems to mostly work out though, I don't usually write like this.

And dang it I knew something about that 2nd paragraph was bothering me, and that might just be it! I reread this thing so many times too, I'll find a way to edit that if I can come up with something. I could probably do some editing to that other bit too, I mostly used 'they' in that case because I felt like there was only so many times I could get away with calling the stars 'Those twinkling/sparkling' lights above before it got repetitive and lost all meaning.

Thank you for the feedback! I'll work on figuring out how to make it flow better, the contest won't end for a few days still so I've got a while to think, though I'll be trying to do it as soon as I can.

My Little Epona