Yay enjoy the mediocre writings and half-assed attempt at fiction. This chapter is very fast paced, and I regret nothing. At all. inb4 hate in the comments
In the library, darkness had nearly fallen. The remaining beams of sunlight sliced through the opening of the linen curtains and set a dim glow wherever they could reach. A single ray penetrated the dim light and cast its glow upon the faces of two sleeping figures, the two figures in question lay together on a large couch and slept almost silently, the only sound being their gentle breathing. Their eyelids flickering in their realm of dreams, their chests rising and falling soothingly. They had fallen asleep almost exactly where they had collapsed that very afternoon. Tiny particles of dust drifted and danced lazily into and out of the sunbeams as the silence invaded the small room.
Out of the kitchen came Spike, whistling merrily as he wiped his claws with a linen towel and headed towards the stairs, shattering the calming silence and the reverie around the two figures with which they had become settled in. Rousing from their state of dreams, they both stirred and opened their eyes. looking towards him with faint smiles tugging at the corner of their lips.
"Hey Spike, how long were we out?" Twilight asked and Spike merely shrugged.
"Well" he said nonchalantly as he carried a few books from one shelf to another "It's 6 now so, a couple of hours I guess" he placed the books on the shelves and looked back at Twilight, whose eyes were twitching. He raised an eyebrow and Luna stretched languidly behind her, giggling slightly.
"I...I've wasted a whole day SLEEPING?!" she almost shot vertically upwards, an impressive feat considering her lack of wings and her choosing not to use magic to assist her. She ran frantically around the room.
"I had so many plans! So much to study! I was going to take Luna out for a walk! I was going to visit Applejack and get some Cider! I was going to..." she would continue, had Luna not stepped off of the couch in the short time she HAD been speaking, trotting over to her nearly distraught marefriend and placing a tender kiss on her lips, silencing the lavender unicorn and turning her to putty in her hooves.
Spike chuckled gently as he resumed his re-stacking of the shelves. That certain display of affection was something he sincerely did not want to focus his attention on just yet, so he busied himself with re-shelving Twilight's copy of Equestrian Almanac v-II
Luna broke away from Twilight and stroked a gentle hoof through her mane. "Calm down Twilight, there's still time to take a walk, I'm not going back to Canterlot until tomorrow, and it's not that late, we could do it tonight. We could go the Whitetail Woods, or the edge of the Everfree." she said with a cheerful smile, and Twilight sighed, relaxing in the Princess's gentle embrace.
"Well, do you think it would be safe? she asked, her voice betraying her ever so slight fear, and Luna nuzzled her cheek tenderly, making the comparatively young mare blush.
"Come now Twilight, I'm an Alicorn Princess, I'll protect you, I promise" she said gently, and her words were that of a soothing balm running over Twilight's fears and sequestering them in that tiny pocket of her mind that she did not need to pay attention to. Twilight returned the gentle nuzzles. Outside, the sun dipped ever lower towards the horizon.
Luna's comment had made Twilight's mind briefly recall Celestia's odd statement earlier, but it was dismissed with a shake of the head and a smile, coupled with a happy sigh.
Twilight suddenly stood a bit straighter. "But what about all the other stuff I was supposed to do?" she asked, panicking again. Before Luna could tell her not to worry, Spike piped up as he stocked the last book on the shelf and stood back to admire his work.
"I sent the Mayor the letter about hosting the Summer and Lunar Celebrations this year, and I sent Celestia the letter about ORGANIZING a Lunar celebration" he turned to face the pair with a rather smug smile on his draconic features. "Lords know we need one for you too Luna" he said, making the Alicorn chuckle gently. Spike hummed a tune as he walked into the kitchen to get himself a snack as Twilight sat on the couch again.
"Ugh, I won't be able to sleep tonight" she said with a small chuckle, and Luna smiled gently, pacing restlessly and looking out at the sunset.
"Well then let's go for a walk now" she said with an excited smile, and Twilight raised an eyebrow.
"What, now?" she asked with an incredulous raise of her brow "as in, right now?"
Luna nodded like an excited filly that could not wait to try out some new running shoes or a new bike. Absolutely ecstatic. Twilight could not help but giggle at her energy as she stood up and stretched her back, feeling a few pops and cracks.
"Well, no time to lose then. Spike, do you want to come?" she called to the kitchen, and Spike's head popped out from around the door way, smiling.
"Nah, you two go ahead, it's getting late and I fancy an early night" he said, wiping his claws down with a cloth. Twilight tilted her head at him and smiled. Somewhere between contentment and the faint sign of worry. Again, thoughts filled her head of Celestia's comment earlier.
"Something wrong Twilight?" Luna asked her with a gentle nuzzle of muzzle against cheek. Twilight leaned into the embrace and shook her head, both returning the show of affection and answering the Princess's question.
"No, nothing. Come on, we're supposed to be going for a walk" She chuckled and walked towards the door, opening it and stepping out into the cool night-time air. Luna followed and kissed Twilight's cheek fleetingly, making the mare blush and bring a hoof to her cheek, rubbing it gently.
"What was that for?" she asked, and Luna chuckled, a hoof to her mouth.
"Because you're cute when you blush" she said, making Twilight's cheeks darken a little bit more and a smile come to her lips. Luna walked ahead, whistling a merry tune. Twilight followed close behind her. The whistling was rather infectious, and Twilight soon found herself joining in with the tune.
They passed through the town, other ponies regarding them with a strange expression, some with comical expressions, some with a mix of confusion and worry. Especially when other ponies started whistling as well. Twilight watched as one particular stallion walked past them into the town.
Twilight halted her whistling and turned to the Princess. "I think we started something" she said with a giggle, and Luna merely smiled and continued to whistle "Sometimes a catchy whistle can brighten anypony's spirits" she said and Twilight giggled as they walked ever closer to the White Tail Woods, already they could see the golden leaves on the all-but bare trees sparkling in the distance.
Twilight watched Luna framed against the sunset, and tilted her head. With a sly grin, she opted to take a page from her good friend, Rainbow's book and bumped into her playfully, rushing off and calling back "Race you to The Lake!" as she cantered away.
"Hey! No fair!" she yelled and took off after her. The studious unicorn was hardly a match for an Alicorn, and Luna had soon caught up with the lavender mare, but they had still made it well into the tree line. Twilight cast a glance behind her and laughed as she saw Luna pull up beside her.
Luna and Twilight were both laughing madly as they ran together, but, being a studious mare, Twilight's stamina was anything but as grand as Rainbow Dash's or Applejack's, and she soon found herself out of breath as they moved past the line of trees and onto the shores of the lake. As Twilight came to a stop, panting and nearly collapsing on the ground, Luna slowed to a simple trot and was giggling as she looked her marefriend over.
Twilight looked up at her and shook her head. "Not all of us have perfect stamina..." she said after a while of panting, and Luna chuckled, looking out over the surface of the lake. After a few more seconds Twilight's breathing returned to normal and she lay at the water’s edge, joined by Luna who lay beside her. The lake was a perfect mirror, the stars and moonlight reflected over the slightly shimmering surface.
A leaf landed in the water and spoiled the image, causing ripples to emit over the surface and break the illusion of the lake being made of pure quicksilver.
Twilight leaned her head on Luna's shoulder, Luna's head resting atop Twilight's.
"This is peaceful." she said with a smile, and Twilight nodded, murmuring her assent. Luna continued to stare across the surface of the mirror, one of her wings wrapping around Twilight and pulling her a little bit closer. Twilight planted a kiss on Luna's cheek and sighed.
"It's beautiful out here Luna" Twilight said as she rested her head on the Princess's shoulder. Luna chuckled and pulled her head away, looking down at the studious unicorn and planting an almost chaste kiss on the mare's lips.
"Not as beautiful as you Twilight" she said and pressed her lips once again against Twilight's This kiss, however, was different. Her lips tasted like moonlight itself, it ignited a fire inside Twilight that she couldn't ignore, a blush, so fierce that it threatened to burn rose to her cheeks, and she couldn't help the sigh that escaped her.
But she pulled away and gazed into the Princess's eyes. "Luna, wait.." was all she managed to get out before another kiss stole her breath and made her forget all he objections she once had. Was the Princess using a spell? Twilight opened her eyes to check, and sure enough, Luna's horn remained its original colour, no magic around it. Nothing.
So why was she so open to this?
The faint ghost of a kiss flashed across her cheek.
Did she want this?
The ever so sweet scent of starlight and morning dew invaded her senses.
Would she ever regret it?
Another breath caught in her throat.
Why couldn't she breathe?
Another second of bliss overcame her.
Why couldn't she move?
Another faint whimper, another scolding kiss, a pair of hooves rubbed her cheek, closing the distance between them they locked lips, tongues fought, hooves rubbed through fur and mane, they danced together, giving each other time to get used to the other, they established a rhythm, they moved in tandem, euphoria washing over them both. She found the answer to her questions; she didn't want to move. She wanted everything. She couldn't breathe because the one above her was stealing it in gasps and moans elicited from her like she was the instrument, and her Princess the musician. She didn't want to move, save for pressing back against her gentle touch.
Another second ticked by on the clock, yet it felt like an eternity, a minute became an eon, who cared? For them, time would wait, it would still and preserve the moment forever like a painting or a sculpture. A fine symphony created in the midst of nature.
Arching her back to the near shape of a horseshoe she cried out as Luna broke the kiss, moving to her neck. A bite, a kiss, a lick, pleasure mingled with pain to create delicious sensations. A wave cresting the shore, and she was swept in the current.
She sighed as she saw stars, they never said it would be like this. Another explosion of colour, hooves wrapped around her, snaked over her and pulled her close, and she was gone, inhaling her Princess's gentle scent, feeling her fur slide over her own, fire traced where her hooves were touching, lighting her nerves like Roman candles in a darkened night, tipped over the edge that she had been held at for so long, held by the delicate hooves, tantalizingly close, she had felt it, and now, she had let go, and she was flying higher than she had ever flown before. And Luna was there with her, ready to catch her when she came back down.
She was away from that place, she wasn't even on the same planet, stars and galaxies and planets rushed past and accompanying her was naught but pleasure. A whole life of waiting, and she had found her, the one she wanted forever. Princess Luna.
Bathed in rays of gossamer moonlight, the Unicorn lay with her marefriend, her lover, and couldn't help but smile. Luna sealed their moment with another loving kiss, and they fell, together, into their dreams. The cool air around them better than the best blanket, and each other better than the best pillow.
Together they tumbled and sank ever deeper into their feelings, their thoughts, never wanting to come out again.
But sure enough, they had to eventually but for now, their gentle breathing filled the shore-line, joined by the chirruping calls of crickets. Peaceful night fell upon them.
Oh my god. Do you need an editor? I got 6 to spare. Seriously. If I was a grammar nazi, I would burn myself.
1666118 Okay. Chapter's coming down.
And now I'm imagining horseshoes designed for running...are those even a thing, 'cuz they should be a thing.
This might just be me, but I like it when Roman or Rome gets ponified to Roamane and Roam, but that might just be me.
I liked the chapter, it moved the relationship forward, to a whole new level if I'm reading this right. Am I reading this right?
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
Very helpful you two.
1666118
Ummm... is there something you want to say, good sir? I happen to have connections with a therapist if you wish to discuss these sudden self-harming and/or suicidal thoughts...
On a more serious note, I didn't notice anything particularly wrong with the chapter. 1666132
1666343 TwiLuna is easier to write.
God I had a feeling it would be by the watering hole as soon as whistling was mentioned...that is probably the most catchy tune to whistle ever...
Amazing chapter. I absolutely Loved the lakeside scene with Twilight and Luna
1666476 Funny story; lakeside scene was borrowed from one of my Works In Progress about Derpy and Caramel.
Awesome chapter!
1666132
I enjoyed the chapter quite a bit. If these whiners have such a big problem with it they should go out and purchase books that have been through the full editing process. But wait, that won't happen because they are too cheap and would rather get their entertainment for free. But hey, that's ok, I like free entertainment too. I just don't pretend I have better writing skills then the people actually posting their work. Thank you for taking the time and having the guts to put your work up and entertain those of us that don't do that ourselves.
1666544 I meant the chapter's coming down for editing >w< I ran it through a spell checker
1666544
Whoa there, guy. As far as I can tell, there aren't any hateful comments on this. So, let's not be so quick to jump on the 'fight that hater' wagon, mkay? This is a nice, happy love story. Let's not sour it with mean comments.
1666548
As a writer myself(not nearly as popular, but I let myself have a little ego), I will say. Spell checker never catches everything, especially grammar. So, don't put your full faith in that. There is a few things you have there, but, they feel more like simple typo-errors, rather then bad grammar. A needed capitalization here... quotations there.. A punctuation somewhere.. Much better then the last one, though.(I think I ended up giving you a full rundown on everything, I'm not sure. )
As for the story itself...
Strong Characters: Check.
Interesting dialogue: Check.
Sexy lakeshore scene:
All in all, I can over look the minor mistakes I saw(Which actually may be fixed now if you took it down for editing)because I love the story more then grammar.
I always like it when people help me by posting my mistakes so i hope you appreciate it as well
1666590
I didn't see any wagon. It was one guy trying to help the author not feel embattled by someone being a prick. He did what any good person should do. In fact, the only thing your comment towards him did was basically tell him to leave said hater alone. We don't defend haters around here, we drive them off or divert their attention away from being jackasses towards the writers. It's better to have an argument with a writer's fans than to drag down the writer personally.
That love scene was pure gold! Scenes like that are why good writers don't need to resort to explicit, out-and-out clop to make a story sexy as hell. Nicely done!
That said, an editor would make your job easier and help make you not so apprehensive about posting up a chapter, Senorita. The haters, nazis, and complainers have less to nitpick about when there's fewer issues.
1666833
I was trying to point out how based on the comments I saw, it seemed like he was just over-reacting a tad. Not trying to discourage anything else. And wagon, may of been a tad bit of an over-statement, so I apologize. Bad word choice. I tend to do that every so often.
But, again, I think it was a tad bit of an over-reaction and possibly a tad bit hostile to people who like to read a polished story with good grammar and tend to point out bad grammar.
Honestly, I am a HUGE grammar Nazi, but I could barely see anything for the wonderful storyline. I was so into the events occuring that I didn't see many of the mistakes that others pointed out. Bravo on your writing, my friend.
By the way, I am an editor for several fics, and I would be delighted to work on one so well-written as this. Contact me if you need one! :D
Bow... chicka wow wow?
Nice update.
Love the story so far, also, about that editor thing; do what I do. Use a text to speech program, will help filter. (but if you can get an editor though.)
we should make a drinking game out of the number of times these two make out... I just want an easier way to get drunk
uhh even better. a drinking game of how many spelling errors.
I enjoy this story far too much to notice any of the issues people mention. From the whistling towards the end, it was more like watching a movie than reading for me.
But I'm just a weirdo. I look forward to the next chapter, whenever it is that you decide to put it out.
Congrats, you wrote clop without the clop part...
great chapter!
Daaaaaaaaaamn
Dat was good, i would say more, but everyone in the comments above have it covered.
Keep up the great work!
This updated? Nice. Was hoping a Twiluna story would update soon, was feeling like reading one lately.
Just a few errors. Mostly missing words. You did say something about it being half-assed. Still quite a nice chapter.
Wouldn't that be 'Equestrian Almanac V-II' (as well as ending punctuation?)
I think there might be a missing 'to' there.
There's a missing " after 'safe?'
There are two places missing a 'her' (or the respective pony's name) here.
I'm not sure those are both the same speaker. The first is Twilight, and I'm pretty sure the second is Luna.
There seems to be missing punctuation after 'Twilight's' and I'm not sure if it's to be a semicolon or a period. Either way it's missing.
I think you mean another 'scalding' kiss, as scolding... doesn't quite fit in this context.
There's a word missing in the second half of this sentence. Both 'up' or 'away' come to mind.
The only problem I had with this chapter was the bit that mentioned running shoes, the only things I imagine ponies would wear would be socks, when they have sexytimes.
But other than that...
rlv.zcache.com/me_gusta_mucho_stickers-p217329751621788342envb3_400.jpg
I was fairly disappointed with this chapter, and not just for the numerous (yes, they are there) grammatical and punctuation issues sprinkled throughout. There was nothing in this chapter that held my attention, just numerous lines that felt like they had been lifted from the sappiest of romance novels, mixed with dialogue that never felt right. I didn't feel that anything was accomplished in this chapter; however, I don't remember what happened in the previous chapter, so perhaps this would feel more significant if I remembered those events.
Of course, the fact that I don't remember the previous chapter says something too. I tend to follow a number of stories at once, and since some of them update infrequently, I'm usually a few paragraphs into the new chapter before my memories of the previous chapter come back to me. But that's the thing, the memories do come back, and in full. Except here, which I can only take to mean that nothing very memorable must've happened.
Your sentence structure felt very stilted in this chapter, which made it very hard for me to lose myself into the story; I was always aware that I was reading words on a screen. And, I'm going to post a link to my guide to punctuating dialogue here: The Egghead's Guide to Punctuating Dialogue. When I edited stories, butchered punctuation around dialogue was probably the most common error that I encountered, and this chapter certainly does not break the mould in that department.
After all of that harshness, I do want to encourage you to keep writing. After all, I have followed your story for 11 chapters, so there must be something there that has kept my interest, right?
1671308 to be honest I don't see why anyone is following this story. It's sappy, irrelevant, breaks the characters established personalities and all in all is a terrible fanfiction. How you or anyone else lasted for 11 chapters is astounding.
1672492 Aha, fair point. I guess I'm just that much of a sucker for romance.
1672557 I'll delete it soon along with my account and all my stories so the abominations I call my work are gone from the internet so don't worry about that.
To dwell on ultimately unimportant mechanical errors would be to miss the entire point of the story, in my opinion. Just don't expect this story to make its way into the Canon of Literature in its current state.
It is true, however, that this is a bit lacking in quality compared to previous chapters. Then again, it's hard to complain about a free story.
Signed,
The Lord of Cheese
d'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Did they have sex or something? I couldent tell it was so vague
1701199 It was subtle. Subtlety is cool.
And yes. They did.
1701239 Ahh.. I did not notice since the narrator/Twilight was busy complimenting the night.
sorry
1702273 No problem. This chapter sucked.
1706484Only the end part, You should get an editor though
The journalist, Winter somthing or other, should have joined this whistling, and Luna wouldv'e just come out with the classic, "Why are you whistling, your life has no meaning." Aside from that, you are a genius.
1666118
"If I were a grammar nazi..." Sorry, I just had to.
Senorita, don't worry too much about people pointing out spelling, punctuation, or grammar errors. Most of the time, their intent is to help you make your story better by shoring up the mechanics. I think a lot of people don't comment on the larger issues of the story such as themes, character development, and pacing because they don't want to step on the author's toes. Of course, there are genuine haters out there who will whine and complain no matter what you do, but most "grammar nazi"ing is done with charitable/friendly intent.
Also, we stick around because we like overly sappy romances from time to time. They do a good job of cleansing the mind between all of the dark and sad stories here. Although the love scene had some issues, I really like the fact that you wrote a sex scene without straying into porn or excessive biological detail.
1748007 some issues?
Like too many commas? The pacing was too quick?
and then they boinked
Just wanted to say that I'm really glad about that the story is still online and you're still here. I look forward to an update should occur no matter wan
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cvDMVxQo4msGfh58EGnfi9lJlc-tTSC4mZ7lX5Ofx38/edit# A list of people here on Fimfiction willing to proofread, I suggest contacting one or two of them.
As for the chapter itself: That was... A different take on a sex scene. You never mentioned it outright and dutifully stayed within the boundaries of Teen rating, but it was still easy to spot it as what it was, good job.
this fic has the best sex scene ever. it could have been 2 gerbils and it would still be hawt.
good job with this i needed some romance
keep on keeping on :D