Twilight didn't remember when she got such a loud clock. Indeed, she couldn't remember when she even had a clock installed in her library. But the incessant ticking noise was mocking in its intensity and overtly loud in the silence of the room. To Twilight, each second that ticked by was another second closer to looming doom.
Her mother was smiling, her dad was frowning, her brother was passive, and her teacher held a knowing half-smirk that for some reason made her want to avert her eyes and colour her cheeks red. Could all Alicorns do that smirk?
She shook her head. Now was not the time for speculation about mind-altering facial expressions, now was a time to face judgement, to justify why they did what they did and share their side of the story. Luna was beside her, fixing Celestia with a passive look. Twilight wondered if they could telepathically talk with each other but dispelled the notion as mythological nonsense.
Celestia turned to Twilight, then to her parents. "Well, I think anymore awkward silence will kill us all." she said to nopony in particular, but gathered the attention of everypony in the room. Dusk snorted and looked at Twilight with disdain.
"I'm waiting for an explanation. Care to give us one?" he asked gruffly, Twilight gulping hard under the fixed glare. She turned to Luna, finding her looking at her with a smile and then turned back to Dusk.
"Mr. Sparkle, it was honestly..." she was about to continue, but a glare from Midnight made her stop. If looks could kill then she would be suffering a heart attack now. That glare was one that would freeze the sun itself. Be that as it may it settled for the moon.
"He didn't ask you now did he, Princess? He asked his daughter," she said simply, and Celestia raised an eyebrow as Armour cleared his throat and turned to his sister. Luna silently counted that as the first strike.
"Twily, care to share your side of the story?" he asked with a gentle smile to show her he was on her side. Twilight sighed in resignation.
"It was just a party dad, we had a lot to drink, and we didn't realize that there was a reporter with a camera at a small party in Ponyville" she said with an awkward chuckle, and Dusk simply blinked, clearly unimpressed. Twilight's giggle turned into a throat-clearing cough, and the room fell once more into silence.
Luna went to break it. "Well, what Twilight's trying to say is that we didn't expect it, and-" she was, however, cut off once again by Midnight's brazen tone.
"Excuse me, Princess, but my daughter isn't finished," she stated flatly, and Luna gritted her teeth. Celestia whistled quietly. Luna would pass that off as the second strike; another and she would defend herself.
Twilight sighed and leaned forward. "Mom, Dad, it was just a party that got out of hand. I am most certainly am not Luna's... concubine" she said defensively, almost desperately and Armour smiled at her.
"No one said you were Twilight, apart from the papers, and we just want to make sure that what they said IS lies. Which moves us on..." he trailed off, not wanting to say it. Midnight, however, had no intention of being so reserved.
"We want to know why you were dancing so provocatively with my daughter, and whether there is any truth to the claim that you're simply using her to get back at Celestia," she said, and Luna opened her mouth. That would have even strike three, were it not for Celestia's intervention.
"Now, Midnight, I know my sister, she wouldn't do that. And besides, Luna loves Twilight. They were sending each other letters for a while, it was only a matter of time before my sister admitted her long hidden feelings for my student," She said with a smile, and Luna blushed. Twilight and her shared a look that spoke volumes.
Midnight nodded. "Well, be that as it may, that still doesn't change the fact that our family has been besmirched by rumours that Twilight is Luna's comfort girl." She said and Luna looked at her, tilted her neck so the bones popped and set her jaw firmly as she leaned forward.
"Mrs. Sparkle. May I remind you, that Twilight is the twice Saviour of Equestria, first from myself, then from Discord, she is the most powerful unicorn in Equestria whose power even rivals my own, your daughter has also stolen the heart of me, which is no mean feat.” She looked back at an extremely red Twilight.
"She's bashful, shy of compliments, always willing to criticize herself and improve, so I think her good qualities overwhelm that one malicious rumour," she turns her head back to face Twilight's parents. Dusk was smiling, and Midnight wasn't above a small grin.
"You really love her." Shining stated. Not a question, not a request for info, just a statement which he knew to be true. Luna simply nodded at him. Twilight held her hoof and stroked it gently. Celestia turned to Midnight and then back to Luna.
"Well, now that we have that out of the way..." Celestia began, but Midnight held up a hoof.
"Not so fast Princess, don't think I missed the little crater over there, did you do that? In a fit of rage? How do we know that you'll take good care of our daughter and not get mad at her?" she asked.
Luna raised an eyebrow. Strike three.
"Actually Mom that was a simple disintegration spell, easily remedied by a..." Twilight began but Midnight held a hoof up.
"Twilight, please, I asked Luna a question." She said and Luna nodded.
"A table is one thing. A living pony is another. My marefriend means the world to me, and I will never allow anything to happen to her," she said with confidence, satisfying Midnight.
Celestia leaned forward in her seat. "Luna. I hope you know just how big this is. I've already had thirty seven letters of complaint and inquiry about your loyalties," she said, and Luna listened intently, nodding as she did.
"Yes sister, and I plan to have a strong word with the author." She raised an eyebrow, giving her an almost malicious look as she said that. Celestia smiled.
"Well, I have word that the author is a one Mr Winter Drifter, a freelance journalist, if you want I could do some digging," she winked and Luna chuckled.
"No, I don't need info to take on a journalist sister." She smiles again and Celestia nodded again.
"Well Mrs Sparkle, I think we've got everything we need. Now, if you don't mind I'd like a chat with my student here," she stood up from the chair and walked towards the kitchen, as Midnight and Dusk got up themselves.
"Only if you would give me a moment with your sister, Celestia." Shining said and Luna looked up at him, gulping.
Twilight turned to her and added in a whisper. "Oh, it's fine, it's just the mandatory possessive brother speech, I have to talk to your sister, who's also my teacher, and the co-ruler of Equestria." She nervously giggled and looked towards the kitchen fearfully. Luna chuckled and kissed her cheek gently.
"You'll be fine. Now don't keep her waiting," she playfully pushed Twilight off of the couch and giggled as she stumbled. Twilight shot her a playful look, shaking her head as she trotted into the kitchen, leaving the Princess alone with her family. Three pairs of eyes watched her, two with gentle smiles, and one with a not quite happy expression.
Twilight trotted into the kitchen of her library and looked at Celestia, who was sitting across the room with an oddly stern expression on her face. She motioned to a chair that sat next to the table where she and her friends had enjoyed many a meal together and forged happy memories. This one, she could tell, was going to be a less than happy one.
"Sit." Celestia gently ordered and made no further remarks, so Twilight sat on the chair and watched her mentor nervously. Celestia got up and pulled out the other chair, sitting on it and placing her hooves on the table.
"Twilight. What I am about to tell you is serious." She said, keeping her eyes level with Twilight's in an almost unnerving stare. Twilight simply nodded in return, so Celestia continued. "You are now in a relationship with a Princess. That is no easy task. You will be the target of journalists, radicals, and maybe even assassins," she said bluntly and Twilight's pupils shrank. Celestia nodded again.
"Ponies will try to use you to get to her, and perhaps even vice versa. But that's just the start. You are a capable unicorn Twilight, the most powerful I have encountered in nearly a thousand years. But this relationship will test the limit of your abilities, and I sincerely hope you're ready for it." Celestia finished gently, placing a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. Twilight, who had been listening to her words intently, nodded and Celestia chuckled.
"And if you break her heart, well, there's a nice lovely spot on the moon," she said, and Twilight looked up suddenly, her eyes wide and her pupils near pinpricks. Celestia burst into giggles, and Twilight sighed, shaking her head.
"One more thing, Twilight." Celestia said, and Twilight re-focused on her.
"Yes Princess?" she asked and Celestia smiled gently, not wanting to say it, but feeling that she had to.
"Luna's immortal, she will outlive you. Are you sure you and her can take that kind of heartbreak?" she asked, and Twilight smiled.
"Don't worry Princess, whatever time we have together will be enough to make up for that. We both know that," she said with a smile, and Celestia nodded and got up from the chair, walking towards the doorway into the living room.
"Well, I must return to Canterlot. Oh, and Twilight?" she turned back to face her student, who once again watched her.
"The Elements of Harmony are as Timeless as us," she smiled gently. "Food for thought." Celestia walked back into the living room with the others, leaving a stunned Twilight to mull over her words.
Luna looked up into the eyes of Twilight's parents and her brother. Under any other circumstances she would have been standing to greet them, and it would be a Royal visit to the castle. She was in the presence of the parents of the Element of Magic and the Captain of the Guard, under any other circumstances, yes, they would bow and show all due mannerisms.
This was not normal circumstances.
"So, uh, Luna." Shining spoke first, the causal name sounding strange coming from him. "Are you gonna take good care of my sister?" He asked with a smile and an arched eyebrow, and Luna nodded.
"Of course I will, and don't worry Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle, I'll be careful with what we are seen doing in public in the future," she said with a smile, and finally got a few chuckles from Dusk.
"Well, Princess, I did this when Shining brought home Cadence, and I'm gonna do it now." He smiled widely, and Shining raised a hoof.
"Dad, wait..." he said anxiously, but Dusk simply leaned down, gripped Luna in a fierce hug and twirled her around. She yelped in surprise, his strength was considerable seeing as how he was able to swing a Princess nearly twice his height and weight around.
Dusk laughed jovially and put her down, and as she stumbled gripped her hoof and shaking it. "I'd like to formally welcome you to our family," he spoke with warmth and Luna couldn't help but giggle and smile at him, shaking back with equal enthusiasm.
"Nice to be welcomed," she said, and Dusk let her hoof go. Luna looked at Midnight, who sighed and smiled genuinely.
"Well, as long as you promise to take care of my daughter, then I have no reason to not approve." She patted her shoulder and stepped back again, and Luna rationalized that that was as close to a hug that she was going to get from the mare. She nodded in return.
"But," Dusk said, and Luna felt dread pool in her stomach. "If you break her heart, well, wouldn't it be a shame if your guards become lacking in their abilities?" He chuckled to show he was half-joking, and Luna nodded.
"I would never do that. But, uh, thanks for the warning I suppose." She giggled and Dusk smiled, as Celestia walked back into the living room.
"Everypony okay in here? No structural collapse? No magical fire-fights?" she asked, and they all chuckled.
"No, we're fine here." Shining said, and Celestia smiled.
"Good, sister, I will be returning to Canterlot now. When can I expect you back?" she asked, and Luna shrugged.
"I don't know. I would like to stay a while longer, if you don't mind," she said and Celestia nodded, bidding farewell and walking out the door.
Twilight walked back in and smiled at Luna. Her family left after a few more minutes as well, and when the door closed, Luna and Twilight stared at each other for a while, before both collapsed on the couch with great sighs. Their eyes closing as they were finally able to relax for the first time since that morning.
YAY update
LET THE AWKWARDNESS COMMENCE!
Get yourself an editor, seriously. I can barely read this.
1441053 why is that?
1441053 it's not that bad... is it?
Needs closing quotation marks after Ponyville.
asterisk?
Needs a comma before "but".
Needs a comma before "and".
It seems that something was lost in transition.
Also the verb tense changes in the middle of the sentence.
Ok now that the edits are over, this is good, I like it. It's thought provoking.
Sorry about all that ^. It's just that I kept noticing them...
Oh my gosh oh my gosh.
UPDATED!!!!
(Er.. It's time to go to work.. damn.. 8:27 am in my country)
Scream first before reading!
1441071 And so it begins
1441070 Your missing words in some places and completely miss spelled in others. Some technical grammar mistakes as well. Did you just write this?
1441088 Yes I did
1441005
For once I'm glad someone lied to me.
Thanks for the update :3
New chapter....yay.
well glad to see we see you earlier then expected, although some editing could be used.
Oh well, we got a... "Nice" family meeting and some subtle trollestia (or foreshadowing, who knows, she's famous for stuff like this).
1441070
Not unreadable... but there were a LOT of errors in this chapter. Including a break halfway through for no apparent reason.
You are also missing a lot of capitalization and you didn't close all of your sentences where characters were speaking with quotations.
It definitely needs to be polished up. But it isn't a complete disaster!
1441211
I JUST ran it through a spell checker and there are still all those? D=
I quit
1441084
And so it ends... There were actually some more, but I think you get the idea... Sorry about that.
Something is missing, and it took me 5 minutes to realize it. I guess I'm really tired or just stupid. Apart from that, it's quite readable.
Edit: Ah, there it is, now I can happily go to bed. =P
1441222
Huuum, I think you got all the capitalization problems, especially the "i"s in the story. I reloaded and looked again.
What you probably need to do is get someone else to edit this for you. Or go away from it for an hour and then come back with a fresh perspective.
1441246 FIXED
Well, certainly not as awkward as I'd feared.
Aside from a few minor grammatical errors, it was a good read and well paced to boot. Nicely done.
Another positive is that we all didn't end up hating Celestia, she was EPIC.
Nice use of foreboding, I think I catch Celestia's hint myself. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
1441306 I am not saying at the current time
Ok if any of the people on this site were even half as good at reading as they complain about others writing, than no one would care if there were a few mistakes in the story... I have read far worse than this in my time on this site and have never complained once. Good story and keep it up. I am really liking this story.
Hm...I liked Celestia's comment on the idea involving the Elements.
My one qualm? Celestia said, "heck." That just strikes me as off. It's way too casual for our beloved Princess of Trolling and Suns. Other than that? I'm cool with the typos, knowing that they're usually not this bad. If you ever need an editor, I'll be happy to do some work for you. I need the practice, and hopefully, looking at other people's work will help me with my own sad and incomplete attempts at writing.
Need encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQXh7kTKyPYm8ockB-obCqK8JkkPW7fVv3I5ZRyyRlRaFYJ2ZvL
Is Celestia implying that Twilight could live as long as them?
1441637 I'm thinking the same thing, Luna said Alicorns live as long as they have a role to fill. So maybe Twilight, being the Element of Magic, might become the permanent embodiment of the Elements of Harmony.
1441637
That is what I am thinking as well, Maybe even the princesses received their immortality from it.
Not sure wether to be pissed that you lied to me or extremely happy that you lied to me.
Anyway great chapter as always, keep up the good work.
I am glad you lied about the update. It helped make my day even more amazing. The story itself and the plot and characters are solid. No nit-picking there!
The grammar.... I have to agree. You could use an editor my friend. If you can't find one, I'd be more then glad to help you.
Elements are imortal?
Let the hunger games, begin!
1441939 I see what you did there.
Oh git a life, grammar nazis... The story is enjoyable enough that it outweighs all the mistakes...
Y'all dun need no fancy shmancy grammar to enjoy some mighty fine relationship problems!
1442434 could you? I could kinda do with the help
Is it me or did Celestia find this whole thing intensely amusing. I'm wondering if this has happened before (either to Luna or to herself) and she's remembering both good times and funny conversations with deeply conflicted parents and other kin. I don't think it has happened to Luna before, based on how very obviously she was babbling at one point but Celestia seemed to know more-or-less what was going to happen and it was a good time in her mind.
Trust Twilight to take any question as being essentially as being one about magical theory. I'm sure that she can magically reintegrate the table but I'm not sure it's possible with living matter!
If there is anyone I felt really sorry for here, it was Shining Armour. It was quite a situation to be in - to have to be an overprotective big brother at one of his Commander-in-Chiefs.
WARNING! Wall of text ahead. Skip to about the end for any relevant bits for people that aren't the author, as the majority is for helping him/her get better at writing! I'll mark it accordingly.
1441070 No. It's not nearly that bad. Just a lot of repetition of minor things. This post is proof of that. It may look intimidating to fix all of this, but it's actually little simple bits. I just added more text to make it easier to find the correct one with a 'ctrl + f' text search.
1441096 If you need, i'm sure a lot of us would probably love to give each new chapter a once-over before you post it. I know i'd love to. If only to help people become better at writing.
For reference. My explicit, immediate thoughts are in asterisks (*) as if they were a pair of quotation marks (") and just signify my immediate thoughts.
Well, first pass, I get story and proofreading. This'll be weird. And apparently, I'm tearing this apart, unintentionally, after spending twenty minutes assembling it in word.
*+1 strike, matching Luna's list*
Aside from my immediate disdain of Midnight, there should be a comma at the end of daughter. I also followed in my head along with Luna's strikes. Midnight got four from me. The three that Luna counted, including this one, and the 'hug' at the end. Midnight? y u no be lukewarm instead of cold?
Here's the big list of missing punctuation. Any errors with more than just punctuation get their own statement.
*+1 strike, to match Luna's list, total two*
*+1 strike to match Luna's list, total three*
*right about here, the sensation of repetition moves in*
*was confused by those words too... possible epic foreshadowing?*
*+1 win point for Dusk*
*+1 strike for Midnight, because of how cold she's being*
Recurring themes, ho! +1 punctuation, be it comma or period, needed, on each dialogue ending. Several of these contain some more +1 disdain for Midnight. That's beside the point though. Nearly two whole pages in word just to get from the first of these quotes, to here.
'smile, and Luna'. There's no 'ads' of Luna around, are there?
Mrs. Sparkle. Needs the punctuation to be correct.
No mean feat." (missing the punctuation and has an asterisk instead of the ending quotation marks.
Oh dear god, I felt like I just quoted the end of most of the dialogue in this chapter... I probably did, in hindsight. Now for my thoughts.
*** STOP HERE! Um, that is, if you want to... *** *Hopefully that's big enough. Eh, i'll make it another color too.*
Not really sure if my strikes count as anything other than my immediate... not so much hatred, as dislike, of a character. Any more than two in a single chapter, without an excellent reason (in the character's mind), is worthy of a bitch-slap in my book. So yeah. There's my thoughts on Midnight.
I like Dusk. He's kind of the 'awesome dad' that you know. He may not be your dad, but you wish he was, you know it when you see him. Seems fun to hang out with and do stuff. That's my idea of Dusk right now.
Celestia's just looking out for the two of them, making sure they both know what they're going to probably face. Celly's moon comment i'd personally rephrase to: "You know, if you break her heart, there IS a vacancy on the moon that's just waiting to be filled again..." Or something like that. It sounded so much more awesome in my head. Eh, posting it anyways.
Yep, so i liked this chapter. Probably much more than i should've. I don't mind though. Welp, I'm in to page five as of now, this one's a biggie. Probably a new record or something. Don't feel bad about this post... comment... thing , Senorita~De~La~Nieve. If you don't want me to post walls like these anymore, I can stop and just post my 'feels' and such on them, not pointing out errors. If you'd like my help, all you've gotta do is ask. Either way, I'm going to read this story because I like it.
1443936 Right, I don't put punctuation at the end of dialogue. I never have, I never will, because I feel it interrupts the flow of the story if there is a full stop/an ending point there.
And thanks for the pointing out of errors, and what did you mean by repetitive? Is my story getting repetitive?
WHY THERE NO SHIT STORM dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Sweetie_Belle.png
1444362 I never said the shit storm would be in THIS chapter
1444075
I never meant to come across as saying that. If it did, it was completely unintentional. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/eenope.png And for that i'm sorry.
I was just letting you know about the repeated punctuation 'mistakes that aren't really mistakes now', that's all. That's the way i was taught to write dialogue in english, with either a full stop punctuation, like a period, or a comma to indicate a little flow.
1443359
I'd be glad to. PM me with google doc links if you have them and I'll go over them. OR We can figure out how to get me the material to go over.
1445398 copy paste in a P/M? Because I don't have google docs
1445427
What do you use?
1445427
a good way is havng a unpublished second Story in Fim-fiction and then send the link.
1445601 I use this
1445986
I see... Well if you make the chapters password protected and PM me the password, I can read them before hand and weed out all the typos for you to fix.
Also, do you need me to proof read this chapter, aswell?
Ok so I have been noticing some spelling and grammar errors though out this and recommend getting an editor of some kind. Nothing to big just some missing letters and the like.
1446337 yes please
1449342
Right, I'll get to it after work today. I'll probably copy and paste it into a google docs so I can edit and comment to show you were those errors are. That way you may catch them before me next time.
1450009 Thank you so much~