This story will be about my adventures in PonyVille. Feel free to criticize all you want. I need to learn.
All editing goes toward my great friend Grendo.
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Grendo
Give him love.
Chapters (16)
finesthour
Joined 2nd Dec, 2011 ·
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Its a nice idea but most people stray away from OC storys. no offense. and the writing could use a little more flow but remember its always YOUR fanfic
you made a typo: "I must not of charging it"
but anyway, this looks good!
you jumped from P.O.V, from "he grabbed her hooves" to "I yelled"
you should decide a point of view ^^
---Chapter one---
"like I usualy do". It took me a really long time (about 6 seconds) to figure out what was wrong here. Usually has two 'l's.
"the pad that acted as the mouse". Just say the mouse pad #>_<
I think by 'notifications' and 'my page' you meant this person runs a MLP page on Facebook? Some wouldn't know that. I barely got the reference.
Err, wait, how did the alarm go on his phone if it was turned off?
Checking batteries scene. "and they were still in them", hang on, what? The batteries were inside the batteries? ((Yo Dawg, I heard you like batteries))
I notice that sometimes when you said TV, either one or both of the letters were lowercase. TV always has both uppercase.
"My little pony" being the name of a show should have capitals on the start of every word longer than 3 letters.
When they decide to head to school, whoever it is grabs their bag twice. "grabbed my school bag. "Might as well head to school.." I thought as I grabbed my bag"
He shouts "Where is my house!. Err, it's right behind you, mate. Maybe have him say "Where am I?"
OH LAWD, THAT WAS ONLY CHAPTER ONE.
Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of human crossovers. I'm not going to read further than this.
I can only hope that English isn't your first language. Sorry to be so negative, but... yeah...
My grammar is not the best you have ever seen :p
Sorry if you guys had to struggle through that.
I appreciate you dying through the small stuff though, and no big problems arose :p
And mate,
if you would have payed attention,
Only his room is left.
The rest of his house is gone.
And also, you know very well not everyone is perfect at grammar or the English language.
So saying something like that is extremely rude.
Everyone starts somewhere, so you should not be a dick whenever you reply.
send me that email I woll no send it I want to go to pony land
72105
You only spotted the typo? Good god
If you'd like!
If you wan tme to, that is.
WAT.
72586
What is it my son?72504 Huh?
72589Help is what I offer!
like spelling, etc. I'm not the bestt, but id very much like to help you.
OI! Cheez! Stop hatin and if you don't like human fics, then don't read em.
Brushie brushie
D'aawg
72457
what? did I do something wrong?
yes, I only spotted one, and missed/ didn´t care about the others...
and yes, I said typo instead of whatever you say when a verb is missing...
this is very good but the chapters are to short
chapters are to freaking SHORT
again very good but the chapters are to short l read four chapters in 10 minutes
wow i read 6 chapters in 15 minutes and it has been 2 weeks since the last update and it shouldn't take that long with chapters this short
78229
I have not updated in 2 days...
This has not been out for 2 weeks.
And also- Why complain about chapter size?
I like my chapters short.
And if you are complaining so much, why are you still reading?
yay another chapter now I definitely can not wait for the next chapter
Wait, how is that supposed to work!?
78687
How is what supposed to work?
damn you serious you really fucking had to end it like this
hurry up and finish the next chapter
hurry up and finish the next chapter
damn double post i hate my lagging computer
Heheh, you will have to wait like everypony else c:
Wow.
Quick keep posting!
78842
No problem sam c:
I am glad to help!
Woah, this is awesome! Keep up the good work. Also, can't wait for the next chapter!
WAIT! FINEST! There is a serious contradiction with your story. Twilight said that was an old book. Then how could it possibly know about November 2011?
78872
Oh you will see.
I have plans you cannot know of yet c:
78874
Finest...Sometimes you can really be a strange one. You must be really thinking about this story a lot. Well I'm game. Tracking abd I'll give you 4 stars for now.
Honestly I don't care how long they are as long as they're good, which they are!
I don't like when people vote down and not leave an example why.
:/
Well that was...something.
79872
Don't you love cliffhangers?
c:
79874 oh i love clifhangers! i also love hacksaws
79880
That sounds... lovely :D
This isn't usually the type of fanfic I read, but now that I've started, I have to finish it. But it has piqued my interest, and it has been a fairly good story so far.
79926
Why thank you.
You have no idea how many people say that :p
He insulted the ponies. He called them animals. He. Shall. PAY!!!
80164
Heheh, that is the point.
He shall learn.
I love the story
80167 i have a question for you are you like rarity getting mad over ever little detail that isn't perfect
I be trolling on you 80269
I know who is in the be with him I accidentally read chapter 10 before chapter 9.
But since I am a nice pony l will no ruin it for you.
78766
Well...ah, I lost it, and I'm way too lazy to look it up. Carry on.
To me, it's starting to seem that spike is horribly out of character. I understand being protective, but not pounding your face in protective. He also really shouldn't stay this mad for this long.
That's just my opinion though.