After Twilight Sparkle gets enrolled in the Princess's school, her parents, Night Light and Twilight Velvet, reminisce about their journey through love and marriage, for better and for worse.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 7th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 13th, 2013
Kirbster
Ponies are good. Yes. ---------------------------- I am a simple numbskull who somewhat enjoys writing.
Kirbster
Joined 7th Aug, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Kirbster · 1.3k words · 33 0 · 1.9k views
- Terrasora · 23k words · 1,434 16 · 13k views
- Terrasora · 23k words · 563 7 · 5.5k views
- Pearple Prose · 7.2k words · 1,758 41 · 21k views
- Possiblydominator · 67k words · 1,659 44 · 19k views
- Bad_Seed_72 · 96k words · 724 15 · 9.7k views
- River Road · 6.6k words · 846 19 · 10k views
- little big pony · 16k words · 1,571 45 · 22k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.074 seconds
Total duration
674 users online
779,800 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Now, this is my first attempt at anything even close to romance. I say this not as an excuse for poor writing, but instead to give you incentive to give me constructive criticism, or yell at me because I'm terrible and should quit writing. Whatever the case may be, I want to hear it!
Other than that you're trying too hard with the tear descriptions -- lachrymal fluid is pretty much standardized in its behavior -- I don't have anything to complain about. Were it not for chance encounters, most of us would have to wait an awfully long time to find a Very Special Somepony.
Shouldn't it be hooves?
anyway, like the story. A little confused by the description though: was this written before Shining Armor was confirmed as Twilight's brother, is he not going to physically appear, or am I missing something?
1118323
Oh right. Thanks for pointing that out.
He'll appear in memories. I don't know what I was thinking when I originally thought of completely disregarding his existence. As for his lack of appearance in the writing so far, we can say he's off doing fun things like Twilight is, except, you know, more Shining Armor-y (royal guard school? Sure.)
1118121
Lol, oh man. Now that I reread them, they sound really silly. I thought they sounded pretty good when I first wrote them out.
Nitpick, but the tears aren't *creating* the emotion, they're reflecting what he feels inside. Maybe you could use the word 'mirroring' instead?
This is kind of the same thing twice? One or the other would work, but I don't think both are necessary.
Maybe 'his mind forming thoughts he had never had before'. Using 'thinking' and 'thought' so much is repetitive.
This seems sort of out of left field, it's a bit formal and old fashioned. Neither of them talk that way normally, so it doesn't seem to flow. Maybe you could incorporate a few more old fashioned words into their regular speech, or use words to showcase their large vocabularies? Being Twilight's parents, and both having something to do at the library, I assume they have a great vocabulary.
'Spillage' is an uncommon word, and it's strange that they both would think it to describe the contents of her bags on the floor. Using it twice within such a short time doesn't flow particularly well.
I might add a couple of lines where Night Light asks if he can get the fine the next time he's there, and the clerk says 'no'. If he was trying to take out another book, I could see them insisting that he pay, but just returning one? I always get my late fines when I'm taking something out. Especially if there was a big line forming behind me. *cough* Errr, I mean... I never have late fines.
This library has terrible customer service!
I agree with the description of the tears, haha. It's a bit much. Good on you for going there though!
It's cute to see how the two of them got together, and I really do like it being in a library. It's also cute that they're still a little awkward around each other, even though they're comfortable. If that makes sense?
1118563
Oh my gosh, I love nitpickers. Thank you so very much!
As for the random old-timey language, I originally intended for that to be to signify that they're getting "in the zone," or when they're trying to show respect, but I probably mistimed that and missed opportunities. As for every other bit of advice, I appreciate the ever-loving crap out of all of it!
I've edited it a bit in light of the things you pointed out. I might've not done justice to your suggestions, but I think it's been improved a bit.
A very touching story. I really enjoyed it. Not only is it nice to see how Twilight's parents got together, but it also feels like something that could actually be in MLP:FiM. Well done!
1118787 I enjoyed reading this story! Are there gonna be more chapters? If so, that would be
i1077.photobucket.com/albums/w468/x_iHeartMLP_x/tumblr_llba7jrQS41qdum5r.gif
1122912
Most likely. Though it's more of a side project, so chapters may be updated very slowly. Sorry 'boot that.
That felt like it too so much longer than it should have, but second chapter is out.
Not particularly proud of this chapter, because I was experiencing some pretty severe creativity shortage during, but it turned out alright-ish me thinks.
There is that, but I like the bits of awkward between the two
Good story so far, I think there should be more of this couple.
This looks nice, let's see were this goes.