Duck
Joined 16th Apr, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Duck · 5.7k words · 33 4 · 786 views
- Gay For Gadot · 7k words · 140 6 · 2.8k views
- BlackWater · 2.8k words · 60 4 · 1.3k views
- SubBasementQ · 9.8k words · 128 4 · 3k views
- I-A-M · 13k words · 103 3 · 1.3k views
- BoredAuthor817 · 13k words · 16 6 · 239 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.026 seconds
Total duration
574 users online
1,116,170 hits today, 1,943,222 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Words cannot express how much I adore this. They're so cute and soft and in love, aaaaaaaaaaaa!!
Wow. Nice
0 view/total views, no upvotes/downvotes seen, yet in the Popular Stories box.
How?
10020349
Oo thanks much, and as they should be.
10020372
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
10020449
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/1/10/1629306.png
Just a suggestion, but... italics are meant more for short cutaways into thought, or for emphasis. I understand that your story is about fantasies, but when you seem to have exceeded 50% italics it gets to be a bit tiresome on the eyes. What you need here are some scene transitions where all of this formatting currently exists. Then when we have the occasional snippet of Sunnybuns thinking outside of the fantasy you can use italics for that instead.
10021095
Thanks for the feedback and suggestion, I truly appreciate it. Even if I don't implement it here, know that I will keep that in mind in the future.
10021363
Listen to 10021095
He knows his shit.
~Skeeter
10021800
Well, only because I've had editors for close to a decade show me that shit. And really, this is all stylistic. There's nothing wrong with what he did, it could just read better.
Can they do it non-stop for 24 hours?
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
You can also check the current ranking, thanks to garatheauthor's unofficial ranking of the scores that have been publicized so far.
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-The way the narration flits from distraction to distraction in the beginning mirrors Sunset's own distraction, and I'm still not sure if that ingenious, annoying, or both ... but it does show you know what you're doing as a writer and you're paying attention to how you present the story.
-
—.-- period is unnecessary if the sentence ends with a dash.-Interesting that even in Sunset's fantasy, she struggles to take off the bra. That's some elaborate and oddly self-conscious fantasizing!
-Not sure when the last section of the story is happening, or if it's really happening at all.
-Quite possibly the hottest masturbation-only clopfic I've ever read.
-An amazing job of buildup, and a wonderfully layered experience.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 89/100
Allure: 98/100
Enticement: 80/100
Immersion: 99/100
Prose Quality: 89/100
Total Score: 455/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10253036
Ooo, thank you very much! You honor me with your praise. Thanks for the contest, it was fun!
I love how this transitions from Sunset's fantasies throughout the majority of the piece, to them actually ending up in bed together at the end, without going into the details of how. It was inevitable, really, and the way you melded these parts together made it work pretty well.
I don't think I've read erotica on here that focuses this much on one particular individual's wants and desires. For being mostly in Sunset's head, it was pretty dang hot. Great details and passion were conveyed here, even in the dreamlike way most of this was written.
The inclusion of Rarity noticing added both hilarity for us, and some levity for Sunset. Actually, now that I think about it, I think Rarity's significance goes a bit deeper than that. Maybe if Rarity hadn't noticed what Sunset was doing, Sunset might have been content to just keep staying in her head instead of making whatever leap brought her and Wally together? I might be reading into it too much. In any case, having someone snap Sunset out of it for a bit was a good idea.
Easy fave here. Now to read the other two!
10581826
Ooo high praise! Thanks, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!