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Izzy Moonbow413 stories ·274 members
Humans were just myths made to teach young foals to behave. Who would have thought that they were real. Izzy Moonbow, was out on one of her unicycling misadventures she stumbled across something shiny. To bad it was already attached to someone. Now Izzy and her friends are on a mission to bring the poor human girl home.
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Yay! I’m happy you decided to write this story. I will need to give it a read before I share my thoughts, but this is exciting nonetheless.
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I am glad you are excited. Looking forward to hear what you have to say.
Wait, Izzy had to get "the Talk" from Alphabittle?! That poor pony!
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Let’s just say that Izzy said something inappropriate and leave it at that. Wasn’t being mean, just trying to make a funny.
Okay, so I finally got some time to sit down and read the first chapter. I’m writing this comment, review, something or another, after just reading it. Now onto my thoughts!
First Impressions
The Good
It Started with an Insulin Pump so far reads like an episode script from the show’s writing room. It has the goofy flash backs, the introduction to new characters, and even friendship lessons thrown in the mix. We get a bit of catch up with the events of the movie and the special (hi Sparky!). It’s cute, very colorful, and sticks true to what MLP is all about since the very beginning; innocent adorable fun with a moral for young girls to latch onto.
I find that if someone is looking for a small break from the darker stories, or just needs a quick getaway from everyday life, this story would do wonders!
The Bad
Unfortunately, for a nearly 3k word chapter a lot is crammed in. The pacing is a bit too quick, and for an animated TV show with a 20 minute time limit this makes a lot of sense, but in the written form you can take all the time in the world to properly develop a narrative. I’d suggest slowing down a bit and maybe consider allowing each chapter (or series of chapters) to focus on one plot point. Maybe in chapter 1 we learn that Izzy has no boundaries and she seeks to fix that, hears the rumors about Minty, before coming across her. Maybe in chapter 2 we learn about Minty and her Human club as well as the new earth pony magic that allows a pony to be more aligned with their special talent, and it ends with Izzy and Minty heading out. Maybe in chapter 3 they come across Meagan, etc. etc.
Of course, this all depends on what you would like to do with the story. It can be as long or as short as you’d desire, but in terms of audience enjoyment, there is a deeper connection there when we are given time to get to know these characters. No need to rush.
The Ugly
Realistically, there is no way to judge a book on its first chapter alone. Therefore, until it’s completed, or a good chunk of the way at least, there isn’t much to say in regards to the ugly.
Closing thoughts; I found myself transported back to the times of old where everything was a little more simple, and I loved it! The sneaky villain in the castle watching from a crystal ball reminded me of the witches who used to plot and scheme against the little ponies, Meagan, and her siblings. It also has that A New Generation feel to it. A nice blend of both old and new.
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Thanks you for your input. I’ll try my best to slow things down a little. I am even thinking about doing a tell your tale to fill in plot bunnies.
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Exciting! I look forward to reading what you write next.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it. Right now chapter 2 is in progress but in chapter 3 I’ll definitely take your request to dive deeper into Minty’s human club.
I like this.
This was a very adorable chapter. I like the slight symbolism of Posey transforming into a monster only to be returned to her former self through accepting change. It’s a wonderful moral to learn!
The chapter was more focused on one thing compared to the last, so good job! I’d even say the pacing is a bit better too, but there could be a bit more buildup. Posey returned to her former self, and even learned to accept others, in a blink of an eye which was slightly disorienting. The jokes were spot on and very cute, though, and the characterization was very believable especially in context of the upcoming show.
While I’m here I shall read chapter 3. Excited to see what happens next!
A Sprout chapter is always a treat!
So, I will say that I won’t give a full critique, breakdown, something or another, until the end of the book. I will say that a lot of my complaints about this chapter (very little) were already stated previously. The same with my praise, so I won’t keep echoing my thoughts, but I’m liking the direction the story is going.
Also! Clever making Sprout a diabetic as well. It gives him and Megan something they can relate to. Keep up the good work.
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Thanks. Fun Fact about type 2 diabetes is that the diet of a type 2 is more restricted than type 1. I kind of head cannon that the reason why Sprouts like to steal food is mom is trying to get Sprout to eat more healthy foods and to me Sprout comes off as the type of pony who doesn’t care about his health. I kind of based his behavior inspired by the horror stories that other doctors tell me of other diabetic who claim that they want to be “normal.”
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Wow I didn’t know that! I’m hoping that Sprout will be inspired to take his heath seriously if he properly befriends Megan.
I was going to stop there... but...
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Yeah. I gave up correcting myself a long time ago. Whenever I go back I always find more. As for the last one, it was supposed to say “I am too young to die, but if I am going to go, I just want to say, I love you guys.” Feel free to point out more errors. It is always apreaciated.
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Thanks for feeling appreciated about that.
Pipp and Zipp
(Aye captain!)
(Everypony used Protect on Report... somehow... It was ??? effective.)
I think resisted is wrong, but I'm not completely sure.
I'm going to continue later...
This chapter was very sweet, though it felt a little rushed. The section when Mean Streak transformed could’ve been much longer and with more detail, but beyond that I think the lesson taught was very wholesome. Great job and I can’t wait for the next chapter!
aaahh
Pinkie promise
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Lyra....
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Is this now ponyville 2.0???
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She can be her descendant.
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Probably, I wasn’t thinking about it when I wrote it.
oh hi buddy!! Haven't seen you in a thousand years
wait
'THE' Megan from G1!?
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11372496
Yes
Ewww!! We are not zombies
And i want to know where they got the stories of us.
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hmm.... she is actually called Misty
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11372501
Yeah, I wrote that before her name was revealed. Might change it later when I get the chance.
oh
HI OPALINE
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11372503
hmm...
The only problem is, is that things are happening to fast.
And it needs to have scene transitions.
you seriously haven't learned your lesson?
#You spreaded hatred and lies.
#Caused destruction.
#And nearly brought the windigos back
11372507
Yeah, I have always had trouble with that. If you have any suggestion on how to do the feel free to. I always appreciate feedback.
Still?
Was the Maretime bay disaster not enough?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
I NEVER THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD SAY THAT TO HER FACE.
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It’s an AU of sorts. Make Your Mark ch 1 did not happen. The story is a mix of Gen 1 and 5 if that helps.
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But Sparky is........👉
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He hatched during the movie.
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WHAT
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The egg appeared in a golden light after the crystals were brought together and magic came back after the three tribes united.
11372525
AH
New clips for chapter 2 released.
Thx for the reminder.
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So the egg was in the crystals
WHAT
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Yup. I have ideas for it when I write season 2.
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For an interesting story
I believe Megan should personally know about the mane 6.
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I will keep that in mind. Maybe I’ll use it in the future. As for Opaline, she kind of appeared out of nowhere. She and Misty are going to be like the witches from Gen 1.