I have to say this, but in long description you wrote 'Adoption', when I think you meant, 'adaptation'. Adoption being when you take in a child that is not your own. And adaptation is changing yourself to better live in your surroundings so you can survive. Just wanted to point that out.
I hope this is a battle of words and tactics instead of the usual physical fight. This celestia not jumping to instantly attack him because of what her instincts are telling her has me invested immediately.
They had to make sure these horrible things were destroyed to the very last. Anything killed by one of these monsters would soon after rise with the same blind hatred for all living things as their puppeteer. Wearing the faces of loved ones. Turning friend against friend, family against family. One becoming two, two becoming four, four to eight and so on, spreading like a plague that would consume the world. The necromancer may be gone but not dead, still possessing of the perverse version of life he held. These creatures, a mockery of what they once were, filled her with a loathing she could not describe. Never growing fatigued from battle, they know not fear nor pain, or having to eat or sleep. Devoid of all conscience and consequence. Driven forever onward by their masters pure and unbridled desire for power and destruction. His will being done even with his battle lost. She and her sister would make sure the last of his influence would end this day. As well as all those in future hence who stood in there righteous path in defiance. All those like him that at the cost of all would seek power for domination and power's sake. All those who would through iron fist and fear wish anything but death for themselves.
I would laugh if at the end it just turns out human emotion/dreams have no magic to them and that’s why they can’t feel or see him and that he has actually been trying to keep the criminal underworld under control to make the world a better place for all!
I know that’s not going to be the story but I think it would be a funny twist.
Pinkie Pie, it is with sincerest joy that I congratulate you on finding some...one with whom you can be happy and with the very same sediment I extend my congratulations on to you
Ha! Sediment instead of sentiment, because she lived on a rock farm!
The biggest f-you to Celestia would definitely be if his feelings were genuine. It would be an extremely subtle twist of the knife to her, in that she couldn't do anything about it, it was something she doesn't or can't have, and messing with it would alienate the EOH. The best lie being that of the truth.
Also this story so far is good, really good. Thanks wordsmith!
I am behind the the main char. being a cold a calculating person because of Celestia and Luna. In a alien world, that looks like the dark ages, and a population fearing and are naturally avoiding or lashing out towards the unknown. How do you survive,,, power, you make yourself needed.
I believe Celestia fears him because of all the 'children' she rules, he is her equal, a unknown that more or less can make or break her little perfect empire. I personally hope that when Twi,Pie and Shy ask him about the things Celesita and Luna told them about him, he tells them of Luna and Celestias sins to keep the peach.
There is no innocent immortal.
But then again, I could be wrong and hes a complete sociopath.
Personally, I get the feeling that this human isn't what Celestia thinks he is. Regardless of which direction this story goes, I'm curious to see what happens next.
Squealing about mind magics being a rape of self and then she has her sister patrolling dreams for un-harmonious and individualistic dreaming? Grogar against the world or just ponies and their allies? And taking into consideration Sol Invictus flash frying anyone not supporting her ponies, it's not so much allies as rulers protecting their people. A singular individual not of their realm shows up, so of course he's going to make himself useful and create a support base. tia is digging her own grave
Now this is an interesting story. Celestia could very well be an unreliable narrator, seeing as her past experiences with the human are poor. However there is always the chance she as right is people, especially immortal people, rarely change at their core. I'll remain nuetral for now.
Here’s my expectations for the story to come. A lengthy explanation from Celestia’s perspective (presented as flash back over multiple chapters), followed by some melodrama (a couple chapters tops), then a few chapters of Shade sharing his perspective (also as flashback), and concluded with either a happy wedding or broken hearts. I could see this being a thing where shade once did truly fit Celestia’s mold of him, but has since grown into, if not good, at least a better person. There is so much potential to take this so many different ways, and unfortunately, I’d like to see them all.
The prose are good, and the description is fantastic but it's so dense and poorly structured that its litterly hard to read. Paragraphs go on and on and on, well past the point that they should have been split into two, three or even four smaller ones. Sentences sometimes dont lead into one another, a stylistic choice that should be used far less then it is and leading the story to be even harder to read than it already was. Or the story will spontaneously switch direction and briefly dive into some characters backstory with little prompting only to wrench you right back out before you know what's happening. The flow is decent enough for the most part, but when its bad its real bad and makes the otherwise wonderful descriptions and great prose an absolute slog to get through.
This story would really, really benefit from an editor, or at least a look over or two by the author, specifically in order to increase the readability and flow of the story itself.
This writing style reminds me of stories like War and Peace or A Tale of Two Cities.
It is very difficult for a modern reader to get through. The story itself is fantastic, but the text walls and for lack of a better word... “prose” makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
If you are struggling to break the paragraphs apart, I recommend reading this out loud and starting by splitting paragraphs that take 20+ seconds to say aloud. Then, get an editor to help.... make the wording more concise. There are many groups here dedicated to helping authors out.
Just remember, it’s not the length that matters, it’s whatcha say with it
When refering to anything other than the chemical compound the correct spelling is Saccharine.......its not much as far as typos go but it confused me at first and it might confuse others too
"Pinkie Pie, it is with sincerest joy that I congratulate you on finding some...one with whom you can be happy and with the very same sediment I extend my congratulations on to you, Fluttershy and Twilight.
Slowly making their way across the sky, the moon and stars glow and twinkle as the residence below rest soundly through the night. Few among them still wandering the streets at this enchanting hour.
the residence below the word underlined should be residents.....especially in context of the second sentence in the above quote
First chapter. We go too suddenly into Celestia's memories. There is an explanation afterwards, but the reader still needs a proper introduction into her mind. The motes of dust turning into ash and embers are a good start, but in my opinion, take it as you will, you should have kept the images of war further down into the chapter. Make proper mention and setup before showing such a jarring element, same as you would for anything of central importance to the story. Leaving aside the transition from throne room to memories, Celestia's transition from serene to smoldering anger was well done, even though it was too repetitive.
The gears in Princess Celestia's head were moving so quickly they wanted to melt. (It was anarchy, pure and unadulterated absurdity. What pinkie just announced was the merging of no less than, four ancient houses. Two of them being of noble blood and three of them elements of harmony. All of this into House Black itself, the wealthiest Noble House in Equestria and as of now, with the addition of the other three. One of, if not the most influential families in Canterlot. Oh and let us not forget Cloudsdale, Fluttershy heiress to the Pegasus Guild had influence and persuasion of the entirety of their military branch. House Sparkle, ancient and well-established in the Mages Guild, as well as their propensity to collect knowledge. House Black, unparalleled financial clout and ties to uncountable areas of Industry. House Pie, the possession of the only rock farm capable of reliably and consistently producing magitek grade mana gems as well as their production of precious and utilitarian metals. Numbers, resources, funds, knowledge, power... This was insane.
Very wordy. Anyway, the fact that Celestia would do anything but select the very best at her disposal to stay informed when it comes to such a massive threat seems ridiculous to me. The fact that she would not urge Twilight to be cautious around Black Lives Matter, or at least take some kind of initiative in the matter is also extremely annoying. If she did take measures, it's certainly not apparent.
The reader doesn't like feeling lost. If he thinks something is confusing or abnormal, then it's your job to rectify that problem. There's a difference between mystery and blatant disregard for your reader's suspension of disbelief.
Let me make something clear. There's a difference between setting up motif and being redundant. You really need to prune your story. There are far too many unnecessary repetitions, explanations and derailments. Focus on the main plot, the reader doesn't want to wade through paragraph after paragraph of your characters repeatedly stating what the reader already figured out.
Here's a tip. When you finish writing a paragraph, look over it again and ask yourself, "Is this part necessary to further the story? Is there any reason at all for it to be here?" If the answer is no, then GET RID OF IT.
Seriously, it's really annoying. I needed to force myself to keep reading and didn't even make it halfway through. The first chapter has fifteen thousand words, but I doubt you even need five thousand to tell the reader what he needs to know. Fix your story.
10364340 I shouldn't bother dignifying this with a response but just for clarification sake. Somewhere after you evidently stopped reading everything was explained. Everything. Atleast as far as what you addressed. If you don't (oh so unfortunately) like the pace or reiteration of varying perspective's. Then simply, move on.
"I shalt take joy in the end of this. Mine hope is to understand how he can accomplish such a thing as complete magical mental isolation."
... and neither stopped to think that maybe they just don't have the capacity to read him, as they take for granted with every other of their subjects?
I mean, I'm still at that line, so I don't know if he's a villain or not, yet (and perchance never will) - but even I must admit that shallow trust is such, which foundation is certainty of reading one's immutable traits. In other words: if they can't read the truth of the matter like one would by the use of a subversive truth serum (subversive in not requiring the active participation - or indeed knowledge - of the subject), suddenly the capacity for trust is lost?
I don't know if he's a villain or not, yet - but that "trust", as described, is no trust at all.
This is a difficult read - mostly due to how it's written. The paragraphs are dense, rather monolithic in nature; they require unpacking, going through slowly. The same could've perhaps been written with a lighter pen, I suppose. There are also a few small errors here and there (like "sent", where I assume "scent" was meant), but they're rare - which is a plus.
Still, the structure of the sentences and paragraphs leaves a touch of lightness to be desired. At some point one is tempted to switch to scanning, in order to find the kernels of story in the flowery language (and no, Luna's speech, while at times difficult to decode, is well-placed I think).
The transitions from moment to moment could also use rewriting - the rule I've been taught, generally, is "one paragraph - one idea".
Okay, so the general vibe I'm getting is that this guy is by no means a saint. Especially that A/N at the end makes this fairly clear. However, as much as I'm wary of ends justifying the means and would much rather decide on a case-by-case basis, that alone (or even coupled with skilled manipulation, deception, subterfuge) does not evil make. There are those that wield such talents and tools for the good of all, and even organised violence can be a tool for change towards better times.
While it is clear that this man is no saint, and quite likely a tad more than just a sinner - I shall withhold judgement until I see his deeds.
Damn, this is deep! I really want Celestia to be wrong though. But a devious human sounds good too...
I have to say this, but in long description you wrote 'Adoption', when I think you meant, 'adaptation'.
Adoption being when you take in a child that is not your own. And adaptation is changing yourself to better live in your surroundings so you can survive. Just wanted to point that out.
I hope this is a battle of words and tactics instead of the usual physical fight. This celestia not jumping to instantly attack him because of what her instincts are telling her has me invested immediately.
My god 26 observers at the same time is a new personal record for me to witness.
Sooooo... zombies?
I would laugh if at the end it just turns out human emotion/dreams have no magic to them and that’s why they can’t feel or see him and that he has actually been trying to keep the criminal underworld under control to make the world a better place for all!
I know that’s not going to be the story but I think it would be a funny twist.
This is great! other than a few spelling/grammar errors, this story flows perfectly. hope to see more of this :)
hold on a minute let me see that one more time....
oooh, it's a long haul kinda story huh?
Haven't started reading the story yet, but the description tells me this is exactly what I want in from a HiE fic. So, here's to high hopes!
Ha! Sediment instead of sentiment, because she lived on a rock farm!
The biggest f-you to Celestia would definitely be if his feelings were genuine. It would be an extremely subtle twist of the knife to her, in that she couldn't do anything about it, it was something she doesn't or can't have, and messing with it would alienate the EOH. The best lie being that of the truth.
Also this story so far is good, really good. Thanks wordsmith!
I am behind the the main char. being a cold a calculating person because of Celestia and Luna. In a alien world, that looks like the dark ages, and a population fearing and are naturally avoiding or lashing out towards the unknown. How do you survive,,, power, you make yourself needed.
I believe Celestia fears him because of all the 'children' she rules, he is her equal, a unknown that more or less can make or break her little perfect empire. I personally hope that when Twi,Pie and Shy ask him about the things Celesita and Luna told them about him, he tells them of Luna and Celestias sins to keep the peach.
There is no innocent immortal.
But then again, I could be wrong and hes a complete sociopath.
Personally, I get the feeling that this human isn't what Celestia thinks he is. Regardless of which direction this story goes, I'm curious to see what happens next.
Squealing about mind magics being a rape of self and then she has her sister patrolling dreams for un-harmonious and individualistic dreaming?
Grogar against the world or just ponies and their allies? And taking into consideration Sol Invictus flash frying anyone not supporting her ponies, it's not so much allies as rulers protecting their people.
A singular individual not of their realm shows up, so of course he's going to make himself useful and create a support base.
tia is digging her own grave
No matter where the story goes after this I'm gonna be unable to picture the human as anyone other than this bastard.
i.imgur.com/6h8g4qY.png
Now this is an interesting story. Celestia could very well be an unreliable narrator, seeing as her past experiences with the human are poor. However there is always the chance she as right is people, especially immortal people, rarely change at their core. I'll remain nuetral for now.
Oh God Yes!
Here’s my expectations for the story to come. A lengthy explanation from Celestia’s perspective (presented as flash back over multiple chapters), followed by some melodrama (a couple chapters tops), then a few chapters of Shade sharing his perspective (also as flashback), and concluded with either a happy wedding or broken hearts.
I could see this being a thing where shade once did truly fit Celestia’s mold of him, but has since grown into, if not good, at least a better person. There is so much potential to take this so many different ways, and unfortunately, I’d like to see them all.
I don't think that description could have been more edgy if you tried.
so far u got me hooked with the intro
awesome story!!
Alright. Let's roll
Is she also being fed the souls of a thousand poor sods every day?
Story is AWESOME! I look forward to reading more. Xd
I hope celestia is wrong, and that shade really does love them.
This story is a hard one to like.
The prose are good, and the description is fantastic but it's so dense and poorly structured that its litterly hard to read. Paragraphs go on and on and on, well past the point that they should have been split into two, three or even four smaller ones. Sentences sometimes dont lead into one another, a stylistic choice that should be used far less then it is and leading the story to be even harder to read than it already was. Or the story will spontaneously switch direction and briefly dive into some characters backstory with little prompting only to wrench you right back out before you know what's happening. The flow is decent enough for the most part, but when its bad its real bad and makes the otherwise wonderful descriptions and great prose an absolute slog to get through.
This story would really, really benefit from an editor, or at least a look over or two by the author, specifically in order to increase the readability and flow of the story itself.
This writing style reminds me of stories like War and Peace or A Tale of Two Cities.
It is very difficult for a modern reader to get through. The story itself is fantastic, but the text walls and for lack of a better word... “prose” makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
If you are struggling to break the paragraphs apart, I recommend reading this out loud and starting by splitting paragraphs that take 20+ seconds to say aloud. Then, get an editor to help.... make the wording more concise. There are many groups here dedicated to helping authors out.
Just remember, it’s not the length that matters, it’s whatcha say with it
BRAVO! Amazing setting and plot! I absolutly cannot wait to see how this unfolds!
Good intro.
I think you meant whirling
When refering to anything other than the chemical compound the correct spelling is Saccharine.......its not much as far as typos go but it confused me at first and it might confuse others too
Typo: sediment should be sentiment
Typo: ladder should be latter.
the residence below the word underlined should be residents.....especially in context of the second sentence in the above quote
10080769
Thank you kind sir or madam, it is very much appreciated.
9908340
true, too broad and to wordy, makes it hard to read.
First chapter. We go too suddenly into Celestia's memories. There is an explanation afterwards, but the reader still needs a proper introduction into her mind. The motes of dust turning into ash and embers are a good start, but in my opinion, take it as you will, you should have kept the images of war further down into the chapter. Make proper mention and setup before showing such a jarring element, same as you would for anything of central importance to the story.
Leaving aside the transition from throne room to memories, Celestia's transition from serene to smoldering anger was well done, even though it was too repetitive.
Very wordy. Anyway, the fact that Celestia would do anything but select the very best at her disposal to stay informed when it comes to such a massive threat seems ridiculous to me. The fact that she would not urge Twilight to be cautious around Black
Lives Matter, or at least take some kind of initiative in the matter is also extremely annoying. If she did take measures, it's certainly not apparent.The reader doesn't like feeling lost. If he thinks something is confusing or abnormal, then it's your job to rectify that problem. There's a difference between mystery and blatant disregard for your reader's suspension of disbelief.
Let me make something clear. There's a difference between setting up motif and being redundant. You really need to prune your story. There are far too many unnecessary repetitions, explanations and derailments. Focus on the main plot, the reader doesn't want to wade through paragraph after paragraph of your characters repeatedly stating what the reader already figured out.
Here's a tip. When you finish writing a paragraph, look over it again and ask yourself, "Is this part necessary to further the story? Is there any reason at all for it to be here?" If the answer is no, then GET RID OF IT.
Seriously, it's really annoying. I needed to force myself to keep reading and didn't even make it halfway through. The first chapter has fifteen thousand words, but I doubt you even need five thousand to tell the reader what he needs to know. Fix your story.
10364340
I shouldn't bother dignifying this with a response but just for clarification sake. Somewhere after you evidently stopped reading everything was explained. Everything. Atleast as far as what you addressed. If you don't (oh so unfortunately) like the pace or reiteration of varying perspective's. Then simply, move on.
... and neither stopped to think that maybe they just don't have the capacity to read him, as they take for granted with every other of their subjects?
I mean, I'm still at that line, so I don't know if he's a villain or not, yet (and perchance never will) - but even I must admit that shallow trust is such, which foundation is certainty of reading one's immutable traits. In other words: if they can't read the truth of the matter like one would by the use of a subversive truth serum (subversive in not requiring the active participation - or indeed knowledge - of the subject), suddenly the capacity for trust is lost?
I don't know if he's a villain or not, yet - but that "trust", as described, is no trust at all.
This is a difficult read - mostly due to how it's written. The paragraphs are dense, rather monolithic in nature; they require unpacking, going through slowly. The same could've perhaps been written with a lighter pen, I suppose. There are also a few small errors here and there (like "sent", where I assume "scent" was meant), but they're rare - which is a plus.
Still, the structure of the sentences and paragraphs leaves a touch of lightness to be desired. At some point one is tempted to switch to scanning, in order to find the kernels of story in the flowery language (and no, Luna's speech, while at times difficult to decode, is well-placed I think).
The transitions from moment to moment could also use rewriting - the rule I've been taught, generally, is "one paragraph - one idea".
Okay, so the general vibe I'm getting is that this guy is by no means a saint. Especially that A/N at the end makes this fairly clear. However, as much as I'm wary of ends justifying the means and would much rather decide on a case-by-case basis, that alone (or even coupled with skilled manipulation, deception, subterfuge) does not evil make. There are those that wield such talents and tools for the good of all, and even organised violence can be a tool for change towards better times.
While it is clear that this man is no saint, and quite likely a tad more than just a sinner - I shall withhold judgement until I see his deeds.