After a whirlwind courtship and the joyous months of happy romance, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie's relationship has fallen into a rut.
With Dash's busy lifestyle as a Wonderbolt making it hard for the couple to spend time together and Pinkie's flirtatious ways, the couple's love is put to the test like never before. Not yet ready to thrown in the towel, the girls are determined not to let the fire of their relationship burn out.
With the odds stacked against them, will they be able to stand through the trials and tribulations of a love frowned upon by society, or will the world manage to break them down?
A tale of two lovers struggling against an uncaring world, set place over the year following the events of "Change Your Mind".
Chapters (2)
Genius! You've highlighted one of the primary issues with Pinkiedash. Also, you write Dash really well. It's super honest, cheesy at times, and always excited.
In the future, I would avoid switching from 3rd to 1st person like that. There's nothing wrong with putting those big long paragraphs in quotes. Plus taking breaks from time to time, describing Soarin's reaction and what's going on in the bar, it's helpful to keep it from getting tiring. You had the one break where Soarin laughs at her, but a few more at well-picked spots would liven this piece up a bit.
As for the more technical stuff:
Prose and descriptions: 8.0 - Your writing isn't super elaborate, but taking into account the fact that you're only 15 (or possibly 16), this is an informal story involving a whole lot o' Dash, it's probably the best I could ask for. Sometimes when Dash was storytelling I felt like some important details were left out, but that's Dash I guess.
Pace: 6.5 - This is always hard for amateur writers - I know because I am one. Drawing out important scenes and being concise about things that don't matter is a very important thing in a story's overall quality. I would have liked to hear more about Pinkie and Dash's dates. I would have liked to hear less of Dash talking about how awesome it all was. (Again, this is skewed because of the manner you chose to tell the story in - through Dash herself. Since it's in her voice, things like "itwasallsoawesomeicantevenbegintodescribe" are to be expected, but as a writer you need to make the decision sometimes to limit your character's thoughts and the amount that they flow into the prose.
Dialogue: 9 - Nothing to complain about here. You nailed Soarin (or at least my perception of him) and the main conversation felt perfectly organic. Just like the real characters were talking in the show (if the show was all about homo relationships xD).
(all scores out of 10)
Keep writing, friend. You're a sight above average already, and you can only get better.
1185015
Thank you so much for the super sweet review! I really appreciate your honesty :)
I agree, my pace is pretty terrible at times (both here and at times in my previous story) but my main point was not to put as much emphasis on the pros of the romance, and more on the cons; if that makes sense. The majority of the PinkieXDash fanfics I've read (actually, most shipping fics) is that the writers only wanna focus on the how great the relationship is and never spend any time on the downsides. As Soarin said, no relationship is perfect. And my interpretation has always been that Pinkie Pie is a very attention grabbing pony, and Rainbow Dash is a pony that gets upset when the spotlight is pulled away from her. Anyways, the point here was to setup the story's start, showing that their love isn't perfect. The next couple of chapters will be a lot more lovey and sweet ^_^
Thanks again for the read and the review
No problem, that's why I'm on this website really! You're right about how a lot of shippers want to create a story that just makes everyone feel really good about that particular ship. An emphasis on struggle always makes things more interesting. That's like, the very first thing you learn in Language classes in school. Story revolves around conflict.
Also your understanding of the Pinkiedash dynamic is super accurate in my humble opinion. It's basically an established fact that when Dash loves something (or someone), she becomes more or less obsessed with it.
I kinda thought that this was a one-shot! But if you're writing more then that's great. Writing is good. I felt like this story had closure, but then again, so does almost every episode of Friendship is Magic. Then we start again with a new problem, go through the motions once again, rinse and repeat. It's the execution that's important, as everyone says.
I'm definitely tracking this.
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you have no idea how much i love pinkiedash even if now i support other pairings. pinkiedash will always be my first OTP
1931355
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1932618
Hehe, yep! Pinkie Dash may not necessarily be the pairing I consider most canon, but it's definitely my favorite!
1932756
so what pairing do you consider most canon then?
yup same here
1932788
I think FlutterXDash makes the most sense. It's been confirmed in the show that they've known each other since childhood, they're both Pegasi, and they complement each other's personality well. But I've never seen a lot of conflict with a Flutter Dash pairing, so there's not a whole lot to write about those two!
1932828
I seen alot of flutterdash moments in the show especially in hurricane fluttershy. its true they known each other for years so i can see them being more close to each other then with rest of the mane six. you would have to create conflict with them i find that hard since Fluttershy is so easy to get along with.
1932848
Oh yeah. Really the main conflict in most FlutterXwhatever shipping fics is Fluttershy's timid nature. Rainbow Dash is the pony that'd she probably feel the least nervous around!
Hum... Most interesting. It must have been hard to write this - making Pinkie actually sit down and talk about some serious shit for a while. And honestly, it shows. Her breakdown is OOC to me. Maybe Dash is too, but I love your variant of her so much it's basically headcanon for me. Still, I like the narrative a lot and eagerly await the continuation!
1935070
But yeah, Pinkie Pie is OOC here. I'm glad you brought that up. Even back when I was first planning this story, back before the first chapter of Change Your Mind was out, I realized quickly that in order for me to write a serious shipping fic and explore the themes I wanted to explore, Pinkie Pie was going to be at best a tad out of character most of the time. She's undoubtedly the main comedy relief character of the show, kinda hard to keep true to that in a serious story ya know? I try to stay as true as I can to her, but I've personally always liked the idea that the silly pink pony is a lot deeper than she let's on :)
Headcanon for you eh? Thanks! That's sweet of you to say
1935880 I feel ya. I don't know, I mean typically I can totally roll with an alternate characterisation as long as it's adequately explained and demonstrated. The problem here is that this event that changed Pinkie's demeanour is inserted into her past, so we don't get to see it happen. We're just told that's the way it is, and that she's been hiding pain this whole time. It's a little hard to swallow.
Anyways, I'm not telling you because I want you to change it or something, it's just something that might be useful in further planning - character development preferably should happen "on-screen" (for lack of a better term).
1936510
She's not hiding her pain though, not in the traditional sense of the phrase anyway. Unlike Rainbow, Pinkie's not hung up on the events that took place in her past, which is why talking about it didn't affect her the same way it did Dash. I tried to show it with her line about not being a reflection of her father's anger, but I may need to emphasize it more in later chapters.
So far so good! I think your story's progressing wonderfully and shaping up to be even better than your first ^_^ Though, I must ask, what's up with the cover image?
It's kinda misleading dontcha think? 
2060692
Really, the image was just in a comment someone posted and it made me laugh my ass off. 
Thank you for your continued support ^_^
Lol maybe a bit. Though I like to call it a much needed lighthearted addition to the story.
Very sweet and very tragic. I am quite curious to see how this continues, this story is a pretty bittersweet at the moment. Also kinda sad for Fluttershy, though she hasn't been in alot of it the few times she has been mentioned make me believe she had a crush on RD and never went for it.
This is fucking awesome, yo! Great, great story.When's the next chapter?
2664580
Hopefully soon! I've got more time to write now but I've mostly been adding on to Tattoo of the Sun. I'd say a week or two at the most before this story has a new chapter
2669076
Yay! Anxiously waiting!
2669161
Lol don't hold your breath! I'm going to try and bring this to a close over the summer but there's still A LOT of story to be written! Thank you for the interest though :)
...
:(
Why you no update? I wait so patiently, but no update.