- Member Since 24th Feb, 2019
- offline last seen Oct 3rd, 2019
takaneko13
I'm an artist, gamer and writer. I want to write short stories to go with some of my nsfw art. Please enjoy ^_^
takaneko13
Joined 24th Feb, 2019 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PegPony · 12k words · 28 10 · 863 views
- takaneko13 · 3.9k words · 35 5 · 1.3k views
- Codex92 · 26k words · 31 6 · 1.4k views
- ScarletRibbon · 13k words · 88 17 · 2.4k views
- BronyWithABeanie · 1.1k words · 38 19 · 1.5k views
- Jamin P Rose · 2.4k words · 33 29 · 1.2k views
- Omegathyst · 5.1k words · 64 30 · 1.5k views
- Nagiman · 5.6k words · 43 11 · 1.4k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.113 seconds
Total duration
932 users online
219,854 hits today, 2,660,641 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I'm not certain what you were going for here. A sweet story about a family worried about Pinkie's reputation, and then suddenly, porn, then back to sweet, then more porn.
A steak is a wonderful thing, but you don't top it with ice cream and sprinkles. Give your story room to breath.
9698791
Strangely enough, the steak with ice cream and sprinkles is very appropriate - well done. ^_^ Admittedly, this story was a bit of a tough one to construct since I knew from the start what the explicit scenes were going to be, but I needed the overarching plot to connect it all. In the end, restoring Pinkie's reputation was meant to be a connective tissue to get the rest of the Pie family involved with moments of care and sentiment revolving around their love for Pinkie. Being a mature clopfic in the end, the lewd scenes were the cherry on top, as it were.
"Give your story room to breath" though... that's very sound advice. I hope I can take that into account next time. Maybe if the transition into a lewd scene is not as abrupt? Or if there is proper foreshadowing that there is something to look out for behind the sweet exterior? All are great things to think about. Thank you X3
Okay, for a moment, I misread creamery as cemetery, and the ending got SURPRISINGLY dark after that. Then I hopped back and reread before I found my mistake.
9698864
I do see the problem, then. Seek first to tell a story. Sex scenes are fine, are in fact a wonderful thing, but yes, if you want your ice cream and your steak, you need palate cleansers between. I can't tell you how, exactly, but it helps to read some of the longer clop stories out there that put emphasis story over mere sex. If you start out with the idea of sex scenes and only use story as a filler, it will feel like that when you are done.
I suppose here was a good spot to point out... This has happened before, they both know, so she could have said something as simple as "F-father... it's... the season is..."
Little things that point to difficulty saying it, and familiarity between them. Heck, she could even be almost entirely nonverbal and he'd understand based on her mannerisms.
But now I'm getting into characterization, and that's unfair since we know so little in canon.
What you have is fine, but yes, transitions from sweet to lewd need careful handling. Have a like for your efforts, and keep striving.
9699034
Creamery - Crematory - Cemetery. Oh my gosh once you see it, you can't unsee it! Lolz 🤣😁 Glad you cleared things up though.
You seemed to be holding back every time you could get into describing something other than in a visual sense. You tell us that Marble's dripping wet horsepussy has a smell, but what is that smell? Does she have a sweet scent, like sugar, lemon, or cinnamon? An earthy one, of freshly tilled dirt, of stone? This is not a problem that you have alone - it seems that a pretty vast majority of FIMfiction these days seems to be pretty afraid of evocative descriptors, when really, especially for clopfiction and erotic fiction in general, you desperately need those in order to complete the physical nature of the scene.
This was a fairly decent showing, despite that. Don't hold yourself back from those descriptors in the future. If you say something smells, show us how it smells. If something has a taste, or goes into someone's mouth in general, describe that. How do Igneous' large, plump, firm nuts taste in Marble's mouth? A bit salty? Perhaps an oddly addictive musk of some kind? Be generous with your descriptions. Your audience will appreciate it.