Chapter 1
How it all began
"Okay Spike. Give me that book of spells to repair stuff." Twilight ordered Spike.
"Got it! Why do you need a book for using magic to repair stuff?" Spike asked Twilight.
"Well, it might come in handy sometimes." Twilight replied.
"Okay then." Spike said.
So right after Spike gave Twilight the book, Twilight studied. While Twilight was studying, Princess Celestia was in her throne room. Suddenly, a huge crash was heard, it sounded like it was on the roof. So Princess Celestia left her throne room and flew up to the kingdoms roof. But when she got there, nothing was there. Princess Celestia was a little irritated and confused.
What was that sound? She thought.
So she flew down and went in her throne room. Once she was back in, the sound was heard again. Celestia tried to ignore it. But she couldn't take it. She left her throne room and flew back up the roof again. But still, nothing was there. Celestia was a little more frustrated. So she flew back to her throne room. Once again, when she went back, the sound was heard again, and then, it grew louder, and louder! And a big crash went through the wall her throne was and the throne came crashing down, Celestia didn't know what it was, but once the smoke cleared. She was gone.
"What was that?" Twilight asked Spike in her home.
"I don't know! Let's go check up on the Princess and see what's going on" Spike suggested.
So Spike Hopped on Twilight's back and went to Princess Celestia's Kingdom, when they went in the throne room, Both Spike and Twilight Gasped.
"She's Gone!" Twilight said.
"Where could she be?" Spike asked Twilight.
"I don't know!" but all i know that is that she's gone and this place is now a mess!" Twilight said.
"What are we gonna do?"
"I know! I'll cast a spell to repair her throne room!"
So Twilight used her horn to repair the throne room. Once she stopped using her horn she dropped through the floor.
"Twilight! Are you okay?" Spike asked Twilight.
Twilight just mumbled.
"I gotta go get help!" Spike said.
So Spike ran to see Twilight's friends. Twilight's friends were talking together. Once Spike spotted them, he ran to them and said
"Twilight passed out!"
Twilight's Friends gasped.
"Is she alright?" Fluttershy asked Spike.
"I don't know! All I know is that while she was repairing the Princess's throne room, she passed out!" Spike replied.
"We better get over there and make sure she's alright." Applejack suggested.
So Twilight's friends and Spike ran to see Twilight. Once they went there. Everyone gasped. Twilight was spotted passed out on the floor mumbling.
"Ooh my, Twilight? Are you alright?" Fluttershy asked Twilight.
Twilight opened her eyes and mumbled
"Fluttershy?"
"Oh, thank goodness she's awake." Applejack said.
"What happened?" Twilight mumbled.
"You passed out when you used your magic to fix Celestia's throne room, remember?" Spike replied.
"Ok Spike. I wonder where The Princess went." Twilight wondered.
"Maybe she went to go shopping!" Pinkie Pie guessed.
"Shopping? Why on earth would she go shopping?" Applejack questioned Pinkie.
"I don't know. Just got to my head." Pinkie said.
Suddenly, a huge spark was on Twilight's horn.
"Uh, Twilight, what'cha doing?" Applejack questioned Twilight.
"It's not me!" Twilight convinced.
A moment later, everything faded to white and Twilight passed out.
WAAAYYY too fast paced.
Holy wall of text!
Paragraphs, please, and slow down. each time someone talks, it is a new paragraph. describe things! breathe! there is no need to rush! Also fix your punctuation. A comma is not a period. Here is an examble.
Blood flowed from his chest.
Try this.
Red blossoms burst in violent crimsom bursts all over his chest.
this is called imagery. Below is your chapter done correctly.
"Okay Spike. Give me that book of spells to repair stuff." Twilight ordered Spike.
"Got it! Why do you need a book for using magic to repair stuff?" Spike asked Twilight.
"Well, it might come in handy sometimes." Twilight replied.
"Okay then." Spike said. So right after Spike gave Twilight the book, Twilight studied.
While Twilight was studying, Princess Celestia was in her throne room. Suddenly, a huge crash was heard, it sounded like it was on the roof. So Princess Celestia left her throne room and flew up to the kingdoms roof. But when she got there, nothing was there. Princess Celestia was a little irritated and confused. What was that sound? She thought. So she flew down and went in her throne room. Once she was back in, the sound was heard again. Celestia tried to ignore it. But she couldn't take it. She left her throne room and flew back up the roof again. But still, nothing was there. Celestia was a little more frustrated. So she flew back to her throne room. Once again, when she went back, the sound was heard again, and then, it grew louder, and louder! And a big crash went through the wall her throne was and the throne came crashing down, Celestia didn't know what it was, but once the smoke cleared. She was gone.
"What was that?" Twilight said in her home.
"I don't know! Let's go check up on the Princess and see what's going on" Spike suggested.
So Spike Hopped on Twilight's back and went to Princess Celestia's Kingdom, when they went in the throne room, Both Spike and Twilight Gasped.
"She's Gone!" Twilight said.
"Where could she be?" Spike asked Twilight.
"I don't know!" but all i know that is that she's gone and this place is now a mess!" Twilight said.
"What are we gonna do?"
"I know! I'll cast a spell to repair her throne room!" So Twilight used her horn to repair the throne room. Once she stopped using her horn she dropped through the floor.
"Twilight! Are you okay?" Spike asked Twilight. Twilight just mumbled. "I gotta go get help!" Spike said. So Spike ran to see Twilight's friends. Twilight's friends were talking together. Once Spike spotted them, he ran to them and said "Twilight passed out!"
Twilight's Friends gasped.
"Is she alright?" Fluttershy asked Spike.
"I don't know! All I know is that while she was repairing the Princess's throne room, she passed out!" Spike replied.
"We better get over there and make sure she's alright." Applejack suggested. So Twilight's friends and Spike ran to see Twilight. Once they went there. Everyone gasped. Twilight was spotted passed out on the floor mumbling.
"Ooh my, Twilight? Are you alright?" Fluttershy asked Twilight.
Twilight opened her eyes and mumbled "Fluttershy?"
"Oh, thank goodness she's awake." Applejack said. "What happened?" Twilight mumbled.
"You passed out when you used your magic to fix Celestia's throne room, remember?" Spike replied.
"Ok Spike. I wonder where The Princess went." Twilight wondered.
"Maybe she went to go shopping!" Pinkie Pie guessed.
"Shopping? Why on earth would she go shopping?" Applejack questioned Pinkie.
"I don't know. Just got to my head." Pinkie said.
Suddenly, a huge spark was on Twilight's horn.
"Uh, Twilight, what'cha doing?" Applejack questioned Twilight.
"It's not me!" Twilight convinced. A moment later, everything faded to white and Twilight passed out.
This makes it much easier for us readers to read your story. it holds promise, and it could be so much better.
I totally agree with Sunstar.
I think i read his comment as the story, and not the actual story!
Needs to be a bit slower and needs to have some ENTER presses in between some lines. I liked what I read, but noone likes to read a wall of text :/
Now, Some pointers for story writing...
Character Dev.: Envision yourself as the character and what has happened to that character in the past. Now use that to figure out what the character would do to a situation presented, and simply write what happens. That's how I do it.
Plot: SSSSLLLLOOOOWWWW DDDDOOOOWWWWNNNN!!! I see at least, 3 chapters in these 500 words. Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate!
Awesome Filter: Okay since your 'new' I should teach you about my awesome filter, I put your story through it and type what comes out, simple! Now my Filter is both tiring and not energy efficient, don't expect much... Okay... Here goes...
"Okay Spike. Give me that book of spells to repair stuff." Twilight ordered Spike. "Got it! Why do you need a book for using magic to repair stuff?" Spike asked Twilight. "Well, it might come in handy sometimes." Twilight replied. "Okay then." Spike said. So right after Spike gave Twilight the book, Twilight studied. While Twilight was studying, Princess Celestia was in her throne room. Suddenly, a huge crash was heard, it sounded like it was on the roof. So Princess Celestia left her throne room and flew up to the kingdoms roof. But when she got there, nothing was there. Princess Celestia was a little irritated and confused. What was that sound? She thought. So she flew down and went in her throne room. Once she was back in, the sound was heard again. Celestia tried to ignore it. But she couldn't take it. She left her throne room and flew back up the roof again. But still, nothing was there. Celestia was a little more frustrated. So she flew back to her throne room. Once again, when she went back, the sound was heard again, and then, it grew louder, and louder! And a big crash went through the wall her throne was and the throne came crashing down, Celestia didn't know what it was, but once the smoke cleared. She was gone. "What was that?" Twilight said in her home. "I don't know! Let's go check up on the Princess and see what's going on" Spike suggested. So Spike Hopped on Twilight's back and went to Princess Celestia's Kingdom, when they went in the throne room, Both ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ENGAGING AWESOME FILTER~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~ERROR - OVERLOAD~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe, I should do a bit less...
"Okay Spike. Give me that book of spells to repair stuff." Twilight ordered Spike. "Got it! Why do you need a book for using magic to repair stuff?" Spike asked Twilight. "Well, it might come in handy sometimes." Twilight replied. "Okay then." Spike said. So right after Spike gave Twilight the book, Twilight studied.
Okay lets try now...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ENGAGING AWESOME FILTER~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~DONE~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"... and that about sums it up!" Twilight happily declared to her assistant.
Spike sat there for a while trying to absorb the wave of information, but he still had a barrel full of questions, however, he just decided to sum them up into an overall one-worded question, "What?"
The bookworm for her part was not impressed, "Nevermind Spike, but now that I'm done with 'StarSwirl's Theory of Advanced Telekinesis', hand me that book on 'Mendan's Advanced Rectiface Lessons'"
Again, totally stumped by his metaphorical sister's order he could only reply with another one worded question, "What?"
"Uggh, The book that teaches you how to fix things!" the frustrated magician exclaimed.
"Oh! That one! I know where that is!" The purple lizard hopped off his stool and made his way over to the bookshelves, returning a little while later with the book in hand, "Why the sudden urge to fix things Twilight?"
"I Don't know, Spike..." She feigned a pause for thought, "Have you ever seen a dragon sneeze?" Twilight half-glared at her assistant.
"Oh umm..." Spike stuttered, a bead of sweat forming on his brow at the reference to the astronomy book, suddenly having a great urge to do something else he continued stammering, "I-I Think there is some dust to shelve and books to sweep!" Not thinking about his rushed excuse for dismissal he hurriedly exited Twilight's room, leaving her to her impromptu study.
Now that would do for a halfway decent prologue, it could still use some toning up, I'm not going to do your whole job. Now Lets see if I can make a part two of this prologue...
While Twilight was studying, Princess Celestia was in her throne room. Suddenly, a huge crash was heard, it sounded like it was on the roof. So Princess Celestia left her throne room and flew up to the kingdoms roof. But when she got there, nothing was there. Princess Celestia was a little irritated and confused. What was that sound? She thought. So she flew down and went in her throne room. Once she was back in, the sound was heard again. Celestia tried to ignore it. But she couldn't take it. She left her throne room and flew back up the roof again. But still, nothing was there. Celestia was a little more frustrated. So she flew back to her throne room. Once again, when she went back, the sound was heard again, and then, it grew louder, and louder! And a big crash went through the wall her throne was and the throne came crashing down, Celestia didn't know what it was, but once the smoke cleared. She was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ENGAGING AWESOME FILTER~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~ERROR - NO POWER~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry... I'll try tomorrow...
Essan "EssMan" Manar out...
GentlePonies! Gentleponies! I'm fixing my story, alright? So you don't need to give me suggestions!
66772 has crazy amounts of potential, really hope to see the full edited version.
Full Princess Consiquences!
Gordan Freeman's brother John Freeman who is Gordan Freeman's Brother recomends this story because it is best thing ever he has seen on his computer at his office.
You have an amazing idea but your presenting it horribly wrong. The idea is great but let's face it, you suck at writing. I would love to read this if the person who is writing Not My Destiny would write this two. He/she is a fucking genius!
Okay, This is a good premise, but a horrible Execution. This is NOT a fic. This isn't what you post to FiM fiction, this isn't even what you give to pre-readers and editors. This is the first Draft of a fic. You write this, read it, re-write and re-read, until it pulls itself out of second grade Writing project, into something resembling what those two other people wrote. Then you parcel it off onto your Editors. When people are Re-writing the Chapter in their comments and I'm enjoying reading THAT more than i'm enjoying your Fanfic, You're doing something wrong. I would not be suprised it all if chapter three turned out to be "Trololololol. This is a Trollfic. U Mad Bro?" or something along the lines
I made the same mistakes as you - paragraph spacing, stories that look like drafts and all. But I fixed some of them, if not all. I see it's already edited,it looks so much better now