I am a master of self-inserts and self proclaimed lover of Rainbow Dash, I'm also cringe as fu-
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The unthinkable happens in the big city; millions are turned into ravenous monsters and flood the streets, devouring all in their path. Despite their advanced technology, the military can't stop them and survivors struggle with making it out alive.
Rainbow Dash is one of these survivors, and it is up to her and her ragtag group to try and turn back the tide of war.
Thanks to Rene9adeKni9ht for proofreading this sucker.
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Interesting start, eager to see more!
Millions turned into monsters that devour others... yet no Death tag?
I was really enjoying Vacation, so I'm glad to see you take another undead crack!
Alright...
It's been a long time, but I think I should give a full, helpful comment. You know, help an author out.
For starters, the premise you've set in the description was a fantastic hook. Right to the point. Snatched me right up and pulled me in. That, unfortunately, is where the story itself fails. Utterly.
I didn't pre-read the story so I don't know if this was posted as a first draft. But it definitely reads like one. And, no, that's not good. Nearly every single paragraph was a massive, eye-straining info dump. Granted, you were world-building. I get that. But the common mistake is doing so through play-by-play, step-by-step information. That is where the story suffers the most.
My second gripe is the character development.
The description made it seem like Rainbow Dash was the focus. I wanted to get behind that, believe me, I did. But the story seemed more focused on the outbreak itself, rather than how it affected the main character(s). That is not good. Stories of this nature must be character-driven, to be impacting (especially for world-building), IMO. I detected little snippets of trepidation with Dash aiming her gun, and her concern for other survivors. However, that's where the character hook breaks. I felt nothing for Rainbow Dash. She just felt like another floating head. What happened to her parents? What happened to Scootaloo? What happened to her favorite teacher ( if such a thing existed)? For God's sake, what happened to her friends? How did they get separated? And finally, how did Rainbow Dash feel about? How did it affect her? How has she changed as a result? These are questions that must be asked after you've written your first draft.
Still with me? Good. I'm not done. Third gripe comin' up.
The structure. Sweet Christ, the sentence structure. If world-building is your focus here, I'd highly recommend breaking down the paragraphs. There were far too many run-on sentences to boot. When crafting the world you're throwing us in, you must be clear, and concise. As the story is, there is nothing to keep me hooked or interested in how 'half-eaten corpses' and 'destroyed police precincts' are important. Yes, I know they're important, but there are no stakes or conflict to make me believe it. This, again, is where the characters come in, but I digress.
Here. Have some remedial suggestions.
For readability, I strongly suggest shortening your sentences. It's amazing how well those paint the pictures you want us to see. It'll do wonders for your pacing, and sail readers along for the ride. Whether they want to or not. That's is what you're aiming for.
For character development, you've put them in quite a pickle. That's good practice. You must elaborate on that to make it palatable. What does the character want? Why do they want it? What horrible, unspeakable evil will prevent them from getting what they want. What lengths will the character go through to get it? What have they already gone through to get it? Things like that. Pro tip: that can bolster your world-building by leaps and bounds.
For structure? Well... that's pretty self-explanatory. Simply read over your own writing when it's finished. If you find your own eyes glazing over your own paragraphs, then our eyes will too.
Well, that's all I got. I hope I've helped you in some way. I'm a bit outta sorts with full reviews these days. But reading here helps the old gears, nonetheless.
Write on, dear author.
Craine...
Love the way you started it. Can't wait to read more!
9791235
I got three more chaps done up for posting, so no worries.
9791426
Well, I mean... I kinda use the death tag only if someone important dies or something /shrug
9791707
Aye, undead is my bread and butter so it's nice to get back into that. I will be updating Vacation at some point tho, no time soon but I'm working on it.
9791846
Thank you so much!
9791748
I'll admit fully that in my excitement while writing this, I was sleep deprived and not 100% thinking, so a ton of mistakes slipped through. Though I'm 100% writing this for the shits n giggles, if it helps I'm gonna get someone to look over the next three chapters I have written up, cause lord knows I'm gonna get something similar on the second one with how it plays out.
Anywho, thanks for the critique and I'll do my best to improve the next chapters, no promises tho
9791748
People who down-vote polite, helpful critique likes yours are the reason this site teeters close to the dumpster. You're what this site needs, so keep it up!
Dustchu, your story is gay and so are you. Love you!
Oh good, the girls had similar thoughts about such things as I normally do.
Surely you will have a explanation for why your own setting has the same failing in force?
9791426
20/10
Perfect
9792121
Failing in force?
And again, death tag = important chars, but if it's that troubling I'll add it, lol
9792102
Looking Forward to Read them!
9792135
I am referring to the military and police somehow becoming seriously inept shots
9792640
Ahhh, yeah that'll be revealed in due time, no worries about that, lol
9792660
My immediate thoughts would be to wonder if they will go back to Canterlot
9792683
Maybe, we'll see.
I honestly should have had someone edit this before posting, but I was too excited, lol
9792714
I have seen worse, you have some minor errors that are easily fixed
Those others though? A re-write wouldve helped
9792842
After spending nearly six years rewriting one story, I am pained that that is an option, lol
It was my honor to proofread it for you. Let me know if you need any more help with it.
9792904
Sometimes a refresh helps, but I wasnt talking about your works, I have seen some VERY badly written fics, and I don't hand out downvotes often, but there was a few that deserved them.
9794545
Haha, that's fair, yeah.
I do my best to make sure my own stuff is good enough, but even I goof up sometimes, heh.
9794557
Muffin?
9794571
Yis
9794571
9794584
Worth the wait and nice Work! Putting down a Close Friend and College is Never Easy
Harsh V, harsh.
No time like the apocalypse for a little booger sugar
It's fine and I liked it. Great work!
A bit weird to read now with all of the real quarantines going on, but a great chapter.
soloquotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Motivational-Quotes-Stay-Amazing.jpg
very nice! i find the perspective of the military is always interesting for those scenarios, fighting something you never saw before, a seemingly hopeless battle