Hello everyone, Draxonos135 here. I mostly focus on Equestria Girls fanfics, and the one thing I like to do most is bring some kind of positive emotion to my readers.
Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer both have once had an alternate form, showing their corruption through magic: These forms were Midnight Sparkle, and an unnamed demonic form, respectively.
This is the story of their first meeting, and how they became the first comedic couple in the realm of magic.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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that's a really cute story! it's strange, but in a good way. keep it up :-)
I feel there should be more description.
As it is, I have absolutely no idea what this "Realm of Magic" looks like other than there's some "bizarre structure" that's never mentioned again once the succubus-drawn-wrong jumps off it and a nondescript stage that pops up for the second half of the story.
When it comes to narration, there's a balance between only mentioning what's necessary and building the scene. I feel describing the stage would be unnecessary, for example, since the point of the scene is that the characters are on it for their comedy routine, not what it actually looks like. I'm not certain whether Sunshine's perch should get more description, but it's perhaps because I don't know why it's there in the first place, especially that it remains in the story roughly as long as the portal throwing Midnight into the story does.
I believe the Realm of Magic should be described though. Are Sunshine Luster and Midnight Sparkle standing on a winding path of ever-shifting asteroids in the middle of a patch of outer space filled with red stars? Are they floating in the misty clouds a nebula, surrounded by gentle glowing lights? Is this Realm of Magic, in fact, the fabled tenth circle of Hell?
I feel more description would help other parts of the story as well. The line "The fiery demon immediately shushed the lunar maniac" could be changed to describe how Sunshine interrupted Midnight, for instance. Did she thrust her arm forward and clamp her claw on Midnight's mouth to shut her up? Did she simply pinch her lips close with her thumb and forefinger? This being the Realm of Magic, and they being in the middle of a comedy routine to boot, did she reach for one corner of Midnight's mouth and zip her lips shut?
Or, considering she was "this close to hitting [Midnight]" by her own admission, did she outright grab her throat to make her shut up and listen to her? Only for a most thoroughly unimpressed Midnight to take one single step back, phasing through her stranglehold in the process thanks to her magic, and go on as if nothing happened?
I loved Sunshine's ""I swear to whatever divine equivalent there is in the realm of magic that I'm this close to hitting you,"" incidentally. I loved it so much.
Finally, I found these typos:
The demonic entity jumped off the structure and walked next to the portal, from where Midnight Sparkle was shot out of, landing on the ground face-first.
Midnight Sparkle yelled as she raised the picture and threw it down Sunshine's head, causing it to crash right in the middle and land on her shoulders.
Midnight Sparkle flashed a grin, opened her mouth... and strolled away cheerfully.
Well, it was funny