The Story of PsychoMane

After a mishap has happened in Cloudsdale involving a chemical, PsychoMane loses his job and is booted from the floating city in the clouds. He decides to move to Ponyville and start a new. (My very first story for FIMFiction. Constructive criticism is encouraged).

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
- Newest First
- Oldest First

sierra_seven_

sierra_seven_ #1 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

Pretty good. If this turns into a regular ol' self-insert shipfest though... Anyhoo, constructive criticism time!

*hmm she looks familiar. Somepony from Cloudsdale perhaps.. I guess I'll figure it out later*.
'Hmm, she looks familiar. Somepony from Cloudsdale perhaps.. I guess I'll figure it out later'.

Just a slightly better way of portraying thoughts. Anyway, good luck!

box of water

box of water #2 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

to help with the dialogue etc., try not to merely sum up each of the events and thoughts so bluntly. Every thought or line of text should lead to a progression in the emotional/ internal stance of each character, not just be a transition between events. work on building the POV of the individual character so that the reader can already know why he would react to a certain event. such as this:

when you say "*well this isn't what i expected* PsychoMane thought to himself . . ." you could change it by describing his past and what he is familiar with when it comes to cities. and when her arrives in Ponyville you can have it be entirely different than what he's used to. the reader can make the connection that, hey, Ponyville is completely different than what the main character is used to. that must mean he's going to feel uncomfortable

it pretty much lightens your work load having to describe every detail, sharing it with the reader so that they become more engage.

everything i've described is just text vs subtext. if you get that concept down, your writing will be awesome.

good luck!

Fly by Night

Fly by Night #3 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

Constructive criticism inbound!

The biggest suggestion I would make to you is to slow down, and spend more time on show instead of tell. It's one of the biggest pitfalls for anyone writing (not just fics, but any kind of creative writing), and tends to be one of the things that will turn away an audience quickly. (here's a link to a helpful guide on it Show vs. tell ).

It's a problem I have with my own writing. It's painting a picture for the reader, rather than simply connecting the dots. Don't just tell the reader that your character met Pinky Pie and then went to a party ... show him meeting her, his first impression, her appearance and actions. Don't just say someone felt a certain way, have it expressed in their body language and tone.

Also ... be careful with an OC story, especially as your first. People tend to come down hard on mary sue type fics.

Don't get discouraged, and keep working on your story!

PsychoMane