Chapter 14: Humanity Daily
Only Human: A Lyra Heartstrings Production
Chapter 14: Humanity Daily
By Smoking Gun
"They're called what?" Vinyl asked as she slouched in her writer's chair.
"Homies," Lyra answered. "Three, two, one..."
The other writers at the table jolted in their seats and Vinyl exploded into a fit of laughter as she whacked her hoof on the table. Lyra shook her head as she waited for Vinyl to calm down.
Vinyl wiped the tears from her eyes. "Are the Diamond Dogs 'Home Dogs?'"
Lyra pressed against the back of her chair, which had a jacket and tie slung over it. "Can you please remember to keep the jokes to yourself when we get there?"
"Buck that," Vinyl answered. "I could keep this up for hours."
"Maybe you should have scheduled a panel for it," Short Hoof suggested. "Dignity and You: The First Place You Went Wrong."
"Are you sure you want to go to this thing?" Feather Quill asked.
Lyra nervously smiled and shrugged. "Why not, right? It'll be fun."
"Hell yeah, it'll be fun," Vinyl said. "Just imagine, thousands of ponies sitting right in front of you, watching in silence, asking tough questions, judging every movement you make. It'll be a blast."
Lyra's right eye twitched as Vinyl got off her chair, walked over to the young show runner and rubbed her shoulders.
"Breathe, girl. Breathe," Vinyl said assuredly. "Now kiss me."
Lyra pushed her hooves away and Vinyl stepped back, giggling.
"Darlin', you don't have to do this," Ink Splash piped up. "We'll represent ya'lls best interest... Most of us will, at least."
The entire room looked back to Vinyl, who was smirking against the wall behind Lyra.
"Yeah, I was just gonna tell ponies your most intimate sexual details.
Lyra raised her eyebrow. "You don't know any of that."
"I didn't say it had to be true."
Hearing the sound of a throat-clearing-cough, the writers turned to the door, finding Synergy standing in the doorway, staring with bemusement at her employees.
"Do I even want to know?" she asked. "Before anyone says anything, the answer is no."
"We're just getting ready for the convention tomorrow," Feather Quill answered. "We're all checking in at the hotel tonight."
"Oh," Synergy said as she nodded her head. "So you're attending a weekend on the studio's dime for the sole purpose of receiving praise from your fans?"
Vinyl raised her hoof. "Well, when you say it like that, it sounds bucking awesome."
"Shut up," Synergy directed at Vinyl before looking down at Lyra. "Just promise me you won't cock it up as badly as I think you will."
Short raised her Hoof. "Well, when you say it like that, it sounds bucking awesome."
Synergy shook her head and groaned. "You ponies have no idea how lucky you all are. In my day, most company trips where to stock holder conferences. Do you know what a stock holder conference is like?"
Everypony shook their heads.
Synergy continued. "It's essentially two hours boring ponies saying a bunch of words that don't actually mean anything to a bunch of ponies too board to pay attention."
Vinyl shook her head. "So it's everyday of your life?"
After a pause, Synergy cracked a smile. "I may be boring, but I'm still making five times what the rest of you do."
Vinyl shook her head again. "The rich bitch has a point."
"And on that note," Short Hoof said loudly as she stood up. "I think we should start leaving about now."
Short Hoof was the first out of the room, followed by Feather Quill and Ink Splash, who tried not to make eye contact with Synergy. Vinyl was next to leave; she winked at Synergy before dawning her purple shades and heading out the door.
"I'll be there in a second!" Lyra called.
Lyra stood up and levitated the tie hanging off the back of her chair and wrapped it around her neck. A good five minutes must have gone by of her not being able to figure out the knot.
It's like these things are designed to kill the fragile and stupid. Or in my case, just stupid.
Synergy sighed and turned Lyra to face her.
"Hold still," Synergy said as she took hold of Lyra's tie. "For God sake, how do you not know how to do your own tie?"
What you do, don't say anything that'll piss her off... I'm dead.
"I... I've never had to wear one before. I usually just stick to blazers, but I thought I might try something new," Lyra said as she planned her escape.
"Maybe you should have asked Bon Bon to teach you," Synergy suggested.
Lyra's eyes sunk to the floor. "I tried. But she's been so busy since she got promo... relocated. I wanted her to come, but she couldn't. I don't know when she'll be free again."
Synergy cracked a smile as she worked Lyra's tie. "Sounds about right, that mare is going to be swamped for a while. If you two plan of sticking with this farce, I suggest you get used to it."
Lyra shook her head. "I know, I know... I'm just disappointed."
"Well, if you expect the worst from ponies," Synergy said as she tightened Lyra's neat-looking tie. "You'll never be disappointed."
"We know you won't be disappointed," the bellhop said to Vinyl as she hoofed over the room keys. "Enjoy your stay."
"I will if you come with the room," Vinyl responded as she batted her eyelashes.
"Vinyl!" Lyra called from inside the room. "Just get in here!"
Levitating the keys, Vinyl turned to head back inside the hotel room, looking back over her shoulder to the bellhop. "You know my room number." She then closed the door.
Vinyl stepped into the small hotel room. It was complete with two small beds that were separated by a bedside table, a T.V. on top of a cabinet, a mini bar, and bathroom.
"Last time I was in a room like this, it was when I was on tour," said Vinyl.
"Really?" Lyra responded. "You were on tour?"
"Yeah, except when I was there, there wasn't enough bedspace for all the-"
"Got it, thanks."
Vinyl crouched down and opened the minibar. Lyra could hear her snickering.
"What is it?" Lyra asked.
Vinyl levitated over a brown bag of nuts. On closer inspection, Lyra saw the name of the nut brand was 'Deez Nuts.'
"What genius decided on that name?"
"I'm more confused as to who puts nuts in a fridge."
"Hotels that want to be extra Fancy Pants," Vinyl answered as she strutted over to the cabinet the T.V. was sitting on. "And I don't mean the actual Fancy Pants."
Vinyl opened the cabinet and examined the contents. After a few seconds of searching, she gasped. "Lyra! Porn!"
Lyra rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure hotels have had that for a while."
"No, you don't understand," Vinyl insisted as she turned to face her roommate. "This isn't the sort of porn you have fun with, this is vintage stuff. You know, plumbers, school fillies, all the clieches! On VHS no less."
Lyra's eyes slowly moved left to right. "So... this is like going to a museum for you?"
"Hell yeah! Gotta pay tribute to the classics. Let's see, we've got... Screw My Wife, Please! How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Plug and... Big Bootyed Bitches Volumes one, two and four."
"I'd prefer it if we didn't watch any, thanks."
"Come on, where's your sense of-"
"Vinyl," Lyra said nodding her head towards Vinyl's bed."You wanna sit down for a minute?"
"Oh... kay?" Vinyl answered as she took laid down on her bed. "What's up?"
Lyra shrugged. "I don't know... how are you?"
Vinyl slowly blinked. "Good, thanks... and you?"
Lyra quickly shook her head. "Good, yeah. I was just wondering... are you really good?"
"Yeah," Vinyl answered. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"It's just, with all the laughing and the sex jokes and stuff... you seem like you're... I don't know. Trying too hard, I guess?"
Vinyl snorted and laid flat on her bed, staring up at the filthy ceiling. "Why the hell would I try too hard? I don't even need to try."
"You just did it again."
"Lyra," Vinyl spoke up, sounding frustrated. "Where are you going with this?"
"You just seem nervous, that's all. I don't know why you would be... Vinyl?"
Lyra saw Vinyl looking up at the ceiling with a sad expression.
"Are you nervous?"
Vinyl rolled her head to face Lyra. "Maybe. Maybe yeah."
"Well, you've done concerts before, right?"
"That doesn't make it easy. All those judging faces, expecting an exact thing, and if you don't deliver they turn on you... It doesn't matter how deep the ocean is, you either swim or drown."
"But you were making jokes about it back at the office."
Vinyl turned her head to face the ceiling again. "That wasn't exactly for you."
Lyra rolled off her bed and sat next to Vinyl. She wrapped her forelegs around Vinyl, she reciprocated.
"It's O.K," Lyra said. "Everypony is going to love our loud, funny Vinyl."
Vinyl gazed at her reflection in television, seeing her eyes starting to water. "Yeah... yeah that's me." She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes before Lyra let go of her.
"Let's just go to bed," Lyra suggested. "A little sleep might do you some good."
Vinyl nodded silently.
Lyra turned off the lamp on the bedside table and the whole room rent dark. The two mares naturally rolled in their beds to face away from each other.
"Hey, Lyra?"
"Yes, Vinyl?"
"Can I still watch the-"
"Not with me in the room."
The hotel room went quiet for a moment.
"Hey, Lyra?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you leave the room for about ten minutes?"
"Rarity says she'll be here in about ten minutes," Lyra said as she put her phone away.
"That's great," Short Hoff interjected. "She's only about twelve hours behind the rest of us. Bucking actresses."
The writers were all sitting in a giant room that was just one of several throughout the convention center. There were several tables and chairs that nopony seemed to be using, with the exception of the few towards the back corner near the door where the writers were sitting. A coffee machine sat next to the door on a tray, and a television screen on the wall highlighted the room as 'occupied.'
"So, what's the plan?" Ink Splash asked.
Lyra opened her pamflett and examined the schedule inside. "It looks like we have a big introduction panel, then we can start breaking up into other things. The animators will be there, too."
The writers turned to the door, seeing a stallion with a clipboard in his hoof. "Ten minutes, everypony."
Vinyl slid her hoof across the table and rested it on Lyra's.
"We'll make each other O.K, right?"
Short Hoof, Ink, and Feather placed their hooves together as well.
Lyra smiled. "No. We make each other strong."
"Lyra! Are you ready?"
Lyra turned around and found Samuel running into the room with a saddle bag on him. "You bet we are."
"Good," Samuel said as he levitated something out of his bag. "I was thinking you could wear this."
Lyra took hold of the object. It was a form replica of a human hand with the index finger pointing up.
"When the hay did they start making these things?"
"Some of the sewers made it."
"We have sewers?" asked Feather.
"Just follow me," Samuel said as he trotted out the door. "We've got a lot of everything to show you."
Nine minutes later, the writers found themselves backstage, hearing the chatter of what must have been thousands of ponies on the other side. No one had the intestinal fortitude to peak beyond the curtain. The ponies were caught by surprise as Rarity ran into the room, huffing and puffing.
"My apologies, everypony," she said as she held a make up mirror in front of her. "I hope I didn't ruin my make up on the way here."
Taking a deep breath, Lyra put on the foam hand as the curtains pulled back, her with the bright lights. As her eyes adjusted, she went deaf as thousands of ponies cheered in joy as they all took their seats at the long table before them.
"And now!" called Samuel, who was moderating. "The creator of Only Human, Lyra Heartstrings!"
"Lyra! Lyra! Lyra!"
Slowly, Lyra grew a giant smile that stretched ear-to-ear as she raised her foam hand into the air.
"Lyra! Lyra! Lyra!"
Next: Creators Gonna Create!
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Paleo Prints · 28k words · 594 10 · 8k views
- JasonTheHuman · 18k words · 1,399 19 · 17k views
- Dennis the Menace · 81k words · 1,039 50 · 10k views
- Smoking Gun · 15k words · 96 3 · 2.3k views
- ColtClassic · 26k words · 1,429 37 · 15k views
- TheBrianJ · 138k words · 1,979 49 · 24k views
- Lunaguy · 17k words · 762 27 · 17k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.173 seconds
Total duration
596 users online
873,453 hits today, 2,591,549 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
It LIVES!
Few fics can get me laughing at even one joke like this one can half a dozen times every chapter.
Cover image reference. Yay!
Ridiculously obscure Simpsons joke reference. I approve.
Foamy hands! Yay! :D
Let the Q&A begin!!!!!!!
This is Insanity. No, This Is Lyra.
Next week on Only Human, Pinkie Pie guest writes something she calls, The Kenny Everett Television Show. with even More Hands.
Should be "too bored".
Should be cliches. Unless it's a regional spelling or something.
Did you mean "…went dark…"?
Sewers? Like the piping that flushes away biological waste? Or did you mean tailors/seamstresses?
Otherwise, a nice little bridge between the actual show creation and Lyra's interoffice politics.
Yay, update!
Yay, nitpicks!
"It's essentially two hours boring ponies saying a bunch of words that don't actually mean anything to a bunch of ponies too board to pay attention."
two hours OF
bored
"So it's everyday of your life?"
every day
"For God sake,
God's
What you do, don't say anything that'll piss her off... I'm dead.
Should this be "Whatever you do"?
It was a form replica of a human hand
If you mean the story's cover image, it's "foam".
fortitude to peak beyond the curtain
peek
Well now... I am enjoying this perhaps a bit too much.
Just went from new reader to caught up in about an hour and a half.
At first I was like
then I was like 
and THEN I was like 
but THEN I was like 
then I 
and kinda 
and maybe a little bit of 
and 
here and there.
Now I'm like
Keep it up, Smoking Gun! Keep. It. Up.
Or else.
Pamphlet
I just noticed, why so many grammar errors in this chapter?
Don't capitalize
were
1. hours of boring; bored.
2. every day
That's... not quite what the term means. A male seamstress is a seamster, sartor or tailor. A foam finger doesn't really use sewing, though, so... hm. 'Craft artist' is the best term I can come up with.
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/090/d/a/shrugpony_rarity_by_moongazeponies-d3cvk4g.png
"Dawned her purple shades" should be "donned her purple shades".
At the time of posting this comment, the thumbs up counter for this story gave credit where credit was due. 1337.
4470742 4470051
It would be funny to have Lyra to find out that her show is not only a big hit among ponies, but it also a hit to others species like the griffons, etc.
4471087 The first one was most likely a quick crack at her name, Short Hoof.
Hands! Props for everyone!
Which begs the question: are the figures the equivalent of our dolls?
I wonder how well pony-on-Earth will take off....
Keep going! ;)
"Yeah, I was just gonna tell ponies your most intimate sexual details.
Missed a quotation mark.
I would recommend using the word 'tailors' instead. I know the word sew is referring to making clothing, but when you write 'sewers'...well, that's the place that cities send their crap until it can be processed.
I would hope Equestria has sewers!
Volume three is missing, but I guess there wasn't much plot development between 2 and 4...
She's quick...
4158833
For whatever it's worth, I'm in complete agreement with you.
and then comes the weird porn.
Darn, now I've gotta wait for the chapters to come out, and I can't just read through them. I hate being caught up XD
Smoking, I need the next chapter, ASAP.
Whats so bad about all the Screaming fans!
Tell me this isn't dead. Please tell me this isn't dead! This is one of the most amazing things I've ever read!
Very enjoyable so far. A few edits I noticed could be fixed but that Jing that takes away from it.
Is this dead?
6203389
I'm wondering about that too. I hope not T_T.
...
You magnificent man...
Is this story going to get an update...?
6667826 Not likely.
So, is it safe to assume this is dead? Shame, it had potential. Welp, at least it had a good run and actually had decent word count.
Rip in pasta
I’m only human after all, I’m only human after all, don’t put the blame on me.