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LittleAngelStocking
Joined May 2012
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LittleAngelStocking
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Joined May 2012
338 followers
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41w, 1dKeeria's Library
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24w, 4dRomance and Adventure
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Sadly, can't read the whole thing in one sitting, but its been gladly added to my "Read Later" list! I say ditch the disclaimer saying it wasn't your best work, because from what I read so far, it's hilarious. (I laughed aloud when I read Twi say the Library card line 
)
So yes, I'll do another comment when I finish it, but so far, so good.
Holy crap... those pick up lines were hilarious and the whole story was like watching a train wreck in motion. “You wouldn’t happen to have a map on you, would you? I’m getting lost in your eyes.” This was probably my favorite pick up line. Though Twilight innocently asking for an apple pie and whip cream was the funniest part of the story all together.
I'd say to touch up the structure a bit and that would help a lot. With how some parts are spaced out and others are clumped together detracts from the story and it'd be an easy thing to fix. Maybe add some kind of break, like *******, or ________, between scenes also.
The end part with Twilight's big reveal probably would have been funnier if Twilight had just held up the book itself when stating the title, thus allowing for a wide range of "Oh god Twilight is so Naive" reactions between the characters. As it stands, it felt like it went a little fast through that end scene given how much emotional damage had just been wrought. Though, the stories a comedy so that's fine overall, if it was played out with a more comedic tone. Like after they all leave Twilight goes "I just don't know what went wrong..." 
(i.e coining a turn from Derpy after goofing something up on accident)
Anyway, thanks for sharing it, I definitely enjoyed reading this. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
that is an awesome story!! loved it
Sometimes a mix of inspiration, boredom and free time can deliver some amazing, even if unexpected, results. Maybe it could use some fine tunning but it still is a good story. Though I have to wonder if the next chapter will require a new tag, the ending does feel a little sad...
You used my "did it hurt... when you fell from pony heaven?" pick up line. 
I think I feel tears of joy rolling down my cheek. 
This reminds me so much of my fic... I'm so proud of you.
I love fics like these. Though the grammar could use a little work, it was still a very fun and entertaining read. 
Have a thumbs up and a fave 
Aside from a few grammatical errors, my only other complaint is that you may want to add the romance tag. Otherwise I laughed my head off through the entire thing.
My favorite line is the only I've never heard before: “If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you.”
I felt my heart dawww at that line...
Image: http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs5/2788182_o.gif
Image: http://denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1925-101218_-_animated_animation_applejack_artist_773he.gif
(Not counting the mild FlutterDash fanservice season two has snuck in...)
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1v8lfJ8vE1r3k1m8o1_500.pngI'm certainly going to read this, it seems...intriguing. 
And Discord immediately broke free of the statue, chuckling, "Am I ever glad I had the forethought to order a copy of that book for dear Twilight! Looks like she put it to the use I intended! TIME FOR SOME CHAOS!!"
(Don't worry, I appeared and beat him up real bad! Cuz I'm the ultimate badass. 
)
Don't you dare finish this story! This story is perfect as it is. Well, other than what the other people have said.
Sometimes, stories need to end on a bad note. Does the make the story any better or worse? Up to a reader to decide.
But sometimes, a story that ends on a bad note can start something else. Adding a chapter to this would defeat the purpose of the story and change its whole point.
Pick-up lines?
Let's read. I gotta see this!
I'm a bit surprised this got featured, actually. I mean, the basic premise is entertaining, and a few of the lines were pretty funny, but it's so unfinished. Grammar and formatting errors, inconsistent pacing... this isn't so much a good story as it is a first draft of a good story.
Maybe I shouldn't say anything, though. People are gonna like what they're gonna like, and good on you for providing that, I suppose.
At first I thought Twilight would be using pickup lines purely to mess with other ponies since the story was only tagged for comedy. I wish you had tagged it for shipping. The pickup lines were funny, but the shipping just killed it for me. 
I stopped reading it when it got to Rarity. I don't like same-gender shipping, and I'm picky about traditional shipping. It should have been revised more thoroughly before it was posted and tagged for shipping, but the pickup lines themselves were pretty funny, so I can't really rate it. 
Image: http://i340.photobucket.com/albums/o352/Zeppelin_Maiden/hawkward.jpg
Image: http://chanarchive.org/content/52_mlp/451846/1331174067790.png
This is amazing. It's late at night. all family asleep. Suddenly, chocking/coughing noises come from my room. Everyone is scared, run into my room.
badpokerface.jpg "It's a funny cat", I say, pointing at my computer. "it was funny"
I haven't chocked/laughed like that in long time
The semicolon abuse! It burnses! IT BURNSES!
In all seriousness, you misuse semicolons (;) a fair bit. A semicolon is used in one of two ways: to connect two independent clauses, and as a part of certain lists. Basically, if you can separate two sets of words, you can connect them with semicolons.
"The bear is brown. Also, it has black eyes."
Can become
"The bear is brown; it also has black eyes."
You usually connect two related sentences with semicolons. This, for example, is bad form:
"The bear is brown; my grandmother also cooks good pancakes."
The other, much rarer, way to use semicolons is in lists that include commas. For example, you want to list cities, so you specify the countries as well. That gets confusing very quickly with only commas, though:
"My favorite cities are Jacksonville, Florida, Tokyo, Japan, and Paris, Russia."
The semicolon comes to the rescue!
"My favorite cities are Jacksonville, Florida; Tokyo, Japan; and Paris, Russia."
That's it. No other uses for the semicolon. Let's see how you use them, eh?
"She picked one up in her magical pink aura; and read the title."
You use the beloved semicolon like a common comma. Hell, this sentence reads fine without a comma at all.
"She picked one up in her magical pink aura and read the title."
And again:
"'Oh, how interesting!' Twilight exclaimed. Satisfied; she went back to her room and settled down with the book. She opened it and begun to read."
Comma, not period.
"'Oh, how interesting!' Twilight exclaimed. Satisfied, she went back to her room and settled down with the book. She opened it and begun to read."
"Twilight jumped about fifty feet as Pinkie materialized out of nowhere and pressed her nose against Twilight's. 'Hi; Twilight!' she smiled widely, 'How are you?'"
Replace with comma.
“'Oh; thanks Twilight but I have to get your party ready – I’ll make plenty of chocolate milk; I think the weathers too nice for hot chocolate! Oh, what am I saying? It’s never too warm for hot chocolate!'”
A rare case where you use one correctly and incorrectly.
“'Oh, thanks Twilight(,) but I have to get your party ready – I’ll make plenty of chocolate milk; I think the weather(')s too nice for hot chocolate! Oh, what am I saying? It’s never too warm for hot chocolate!'”
There's also a large number of other problems. Foremost in my mind is make sure you start a new line whenever someone new starts speaking; it turns walls of text into readable dialog. I'd suggest picking up a prereader (perhaps from this group here) and have one go over the whole thing. Do the same for anything else you write and you'll have a much crisper end product. It's a lot better to get a prereader than do it yourself; you're human like everyone else, and having someone else go over your own work will catch more errors than you could ever hope to correct yourself.
>>1049265 Do I? The software I write with (Microsoft word) has green squiggly lines under every other sentence it seems, so I go through and spell things a different way until they disappear. I've yet to discover a way to get rid of those, they're annoying. Buut- enough of my whining, thank you for pointing it out, I'll try to catch myself next time.
And thanks, I know I need a proofreader but I've been a bit hesitant. I'm not even sure why, but thanks. Several people have told me I need one, I guess I'll have to get one sooner or later!
Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/24520424.jpg
Green squiggles are grammar failures, such as your apparent semicolon abuse. Spelling things differently will NOT resolve these; it will only make them worse.
Red squiggles are spelling failures.
I'm too tired to be a proofreader right now.
That's actually a complete lie. I'm just too lazy atm.
It is only some minor mistakes. There are a few capitalization errors when you start a sentence. Also, everytime you start new dialog for a character, you need to press enter, or return. Would you like me to point out all the errors in a pm? I also would not mind pre-reading and editing.
Now, I'd go all 'What-would-Pinkie-Pie-do?' on the situation... But something would explode, break, burn, implode, get sucked into a black hole, die, kill something, come to life, sing, or, in other words, something would go horribly wrong.
I wanna see where this goes, but you should fix up those little grammar mistakes here and there.
SHOE OUT!
~Shoe~
Image: http://iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/132988456850.gif
Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/46f8337e905f134c818f61b08d7a0a16/57377%20-%20Discord%20Hubble%20disQord%20discolight%20earth_pony%20q%20season_2%20shipping%20spoiler%20spoiler_alert%20spoilers%20star_trek%20twilight_sparkle.jpg
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m326x2L2US1r1b6b6o1_1280.jpgLet these pics show all my thoughts of this fic
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.pngOh, and I'm downloading this as plaintext to take into Scrivener, it's so epic.
First, I want to say I am loving this! I was laughing through the whole thing!
I wasn't looking for spelling or grammar errors, but either they had already been fixed or they were not bad enough to disrupt the flow of the story for me.
I love how the levels of awkward shot through the roof at the end. It may have been possible to write that scene more effectively, but I'm not going to complain since I loved it just the way it is!
Image: http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/6/28/15d220ad-6b8b-4e52-a145-c5f0af02047d.jpg
Just a suggestion: You might consider using the Blog feature for your author's notes instead of tacking them onto the chapter text itself. this isn't FF.net; you have a better place to post extraneous info that isn't part of the actual story. This is just a friendly suggestion, as A/Ns inside the chapter text are kind of a pet peeve.
flopped out on her bed
suggest: down
Just... well, not too tired not to read!
Technically this is OK, but it reads a little awkwardly. You might want to tweak it a bit.
Not that reading the same books over and over ever got boring, of course!
This doesn't even need to be a new sentence, let alone a new paragraph. Attach it to the end of the previous sentence with a dash or ellipses.
She hopped up and trotted down the steps, then used her magic to highlight all the new books, she looked them over one by one, then stopped.
Run-on sentence. Split this into two sentences where indicated.
aura; and
Don't use a semicolon here. Or even a comma, actually.
Satisfied; she
You use a comma for this, not a semicolon.
She opened it and begun to read.
began
"Twilight?" came Spike’s voice. "I’m here!" she called,
Basic grade-school grammar lesson: when you change speakers, you start a new paragraph.
"Twilight?" came Spike's voice.
"I'm here!" she called.
Like that.
"If you were a booger I’d pick you first!"
Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. 
"Hi; Twilight!"
Please stop abusing semicolons. The world will thank you.
Twilight stuffed her hoof in the party ponies mouth.
pony's
"I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?"
"Uh - Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!"
...why would that even be in a PONY pickup-lines book? 
weathers
weather's
love her (Not that they didn’t already,) but
"Not" doesn't need to be capitalized and you don't need that comma since that phrase is in parentheses.
else - she fell back
Yellow card for illegal use of a dash! You need a period after "else", and begin "She fell" etc. as a new sentence.
leaped
leapt
"No, I was me, Fluttershy."
Well I'm certainly glad she cleared THAT up.
"Falling out of pony heaven?"
"If you were a tear in my eye, I wouldn’t cry for fear of losing you."
And that's as far as I go. This is just painful. You might want to find someone to proofread your writing very carefully, by the way.
Had to see what all the fuss was about. I tend to think that comedies in this style are a bit a dozen here.
But this wasn't half bad.
Before I go on with compliments however, the critic in me has to say something about formatting. I would normally rant forever about this, but since the story amused me so much (and because I think you already know), it's quite poor. Mostly dialogue issues (new paragraphs, identify speaker etc.) and a couple points where you had poor tensing (begun VS. began).
One last small criticism. The scene changes in the first half are incredibly sudden. Think about some transition and exposition.
That aside, this was pretty cute. For some reason I'm imaging the book jacket in my head with some ponified version of Mystery from The Pick-Up Artist on it. It was definitely an amusing story. Worth the time, at least.
Oh and to Twilight Sparkle: "Girl, if you were lines in a book, you'd be fiiiiiiiine print" 
Congrats on the attention, you deserve it!
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