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MLP Movie Villains273 stories ·76 members

Pedestrain Xing

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Trixie travels the roads of Equestria frequently. Throughout her adventures she has learned how to defend herself against various creatures and thieves. This particular encounter is a little more than she's used to dealing with, but there's another pony she crosses paths with that is willing to lend a hoof.

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fanreader999999

fanreader999999 #1 · Feb 3rd, 2019 · · 1 ·

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Lets Do This

Lets Do This #2 · Feb 3rd, 2019 · · ·

This is a nice take on Trixie meeting Tempest for the first time, and you do a good job with both characters, particularly Trixie's attitude toward her attackers and the sleight-of-hoof she pulls to get out of it alive, even with Tempest's intervention. And Tempest herself is presented well -- a serious bounty-hunter as opposed to a hyper-violent caricature.

The chief problem here is the major tense issues throughout: the text veers back and forth randomly between a proper past-tense story and a present-tense play-by-play outline. I'd strongly suggest reading some published novels (not just fan-fics, because you want a good model to follow) to get a better grab on the past-tense "story voice". There's also some redundancies in the text, like repeatedly "reintroducing" a character when the reader already knows who they are. Work on those first, to help yourself improve. You've got some good ideas here, and they're being held back by the presentation. Keep at it!