Dear [Miss Apple Bloom],
This letter is a reminder that your dark magic evaluation is scheduled for [the following Saturday]. While your status as [a contained class G ghoul] entitles you to many liberties, you are still legally required to appear for annual evaluations on your current status, and to ensure your preventative measures are still functioning at full capacity.
Please report to the Canterlot Dark Magic Oversite building at 666 Dark Delve Drive, Canterlot at the agreed date. Be certain to bring all relevant paperwork with you. While your registered parole officer, [Applejack], is not required to join you, it is highly encouraged that they do so, as it will help ensure a smooth and timely evaluation.
Be aware that failing to report for your evaluation could result in fines or possible criminal charges.
We thank you for your cooperation in continuing to help prevent the forces of darkness from overrunning Equestria.
This was not Apple Bloom’s first visit to the Dark Magic Oversite building. She’d paid the place a visit shortly after she was cursed. Becoming undead yet remaining a functional member of society meant there was a lot of paperwork that needed to be filled out. And in hindsight, it hadn’t been all bad, even if the dark magic professionals were kind of creepy looking.
Seriously, why in Equestria were dark hooded cloaks and masks part of the official uniform?
But last time around, there was a bit of urgency as the DMO wanted to make sure she wasn’t an active threat. Now that she was only here for a routine check up, she had to wait in line for her turn. And the DMO’s waiting room left a lot to be desired.
“And Ah thought trips to the dentist were bad. At least Colgate’s got magazines and pretty pictures,” grumbled Apple Bloom.
“Ah’d tell ya to zip it, but Ah have to agree. This place gives me the hebe jebes,” Applejack whispered back with a shiver.
The building was actually located in a cave, hidden out of sight from the common pony. As a result, the waiting room was pitch black aside from a few lanterns hung around the place. With the musky air and stone walls, it almost gave one the impression they were in a dungeon of some kind.
But even worse were the other ponies in the waiting room. If they could even be considered ponies. It was quite apparent that the DMO dealt with a lot more than just ghouls.
There was a shady looking mare with a skeleton kitten curled on the seat next to her, purring away. There was a strange tall pony, almost as large as a giraffe, wearing a horned mask that sent shivers down the spine of anypony who looked at it. A stallion with half his face rotten away, a griffon with glowing red eyes, and countless others that gave off bad vibes.
“Overlord Venom?” called the receptionist.
A stallion under a dark cloak got out of his seat and made his way to the door, a long trail of shadows flowing behind him. He positively radiated dark magic, and left vicious looking hoofprints in his wake. Apple Bloom held back a shiver. No reason to panic. If these... beings were here, that meant they were working with the government and weren’t completely evil. Right?
“Ah should have brought a book or something. Ah could really use a distraction right now,” said Apple Bloom.
“Same here,” admitted Applejack.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang as the front door was violently kicked open.
“‘Sup *****es?! The mare with the flare is here to take names!” called a familiar voice.
As two familiar ponies made their way into the room, the various beings present gave groans, grumbles, or similar sounds of disapproval, while Applejack facehooved and Apple Bloom just smiled.
“Ah take it back, Ah would have preferred the uneasy atmosphere,” grumbled Applejack.
“That’s right, Kamikazi’s in the house! Now who here wants to get their flank kicked?” called Kamikazi.
“I believe the answer is no one, Kazi. No one in the waiting room has been willing to fight you for years now,” said Bear Bone.
“You never know. Might be a newcomer with a talking sword or two looking for a smash,” said Kamikazi with a smirk.
“That was an oddly specific example,” noted Bear Bone.
“Whatever. Any takers?” asked Kamikazi.
The room was, unsurprisingly, silent.
“Shame. Oh hey! It’s the apple filly! Mind signing both of us in while I say hi, big guy?” asked Kamikazi.
“Sure thing. I’ll join you in a moment,” said Bear Bone.
Kamikazi was already making her way to the Apple sisters with a smirk on her face. Applejack pulled her hat down over her eyes. She didn’t want to deal with this today.
“How’s it going, fruit ladies? What are you doing in this dump?” asked Kazi.
“We’re doin’ fine, Kamikazi. Just gettin’ mah annual check up,” answered Apple Bloom.
“Ah, that pain in the flank, huh? At least it’s actually annual for you. Me and Bear boy? We also gotta report for additional check ups on a quarterly basis. Heck, it used to be every month until the… Well, there were quite a few incidents that may or may not have led the ponies in charge wanting us here as little as they could legally get away with,” said Kazi with a chuckle.
“Ah can’t imagine why,” grumple Applejack.
“Aw, still not a fan of my talents, cowpony? I’ll have you know the bonehead was responsible for at least two of them: a misunderstanding with an oversized reptile, and a beehive that may or may not have been possessed. Come to think of it, we never did get an explanation for that one,” said Kazi with a shrug.
“Sounds mighty interestin'. Oh! Would ya mind sharin’ some stories with us? We’ve been stuck here for an hour already, and Ah have no idea how long the line is,” asked Apple Bloom.
Applejack looked like she was about to object, but Kazi gave her a surprisingly sincere looking smile that gave Applejack pause.
“Eh, why not? There’s a distinct lack of fights to be picked today, and I’m always looking for ways to stave off boredom. Did you know I once put together a puppet show in this place out of desperation?” asked Kazi.
Kazi reached into her saddlebags and pulled a few red and golden feathers. To Apple Bloom and Applejack’s surprise, the feathers had googly eyes glued onto them.
“Sadly, the Featherheads weren’t super popular. I blame these cronies’ lack of humor. But I kept a few props as mementos, if only because I like sticking them in my wings and freaking ponies out when they notice the eyes,” said Kazi with a chuckle.
“Ah knew there had to be something unpleasant about those things…” grumbled Applejack.
You probably don’t know much about the world outside Equestra, right? Well, if you go far out enough, you can find some really wild places. Ancient temples in deep jungles, floating islands made of stone instead of clouds, or even abandoned factories that somehow still have working security systems. Always hated those shock thingies…
Anyway, one time, me and Bonehead found this giant abandoned mine way out in the wilderness of gryphon territory. We’re talking “big enough to fit a city inside” big here. It must have been a natural cavern or something, because there was no way a bunch of catbirds with pickaxes could have dug that thing out.
So there we were, picking around the remains of the mining operation, hoping to find something valuable. Found a few tiny gold nuggets lying around, pocketed a diary or two to pass on to nerds who love that stuff, had a bit of a scare with some leftover dynamite, but nothing really spectacular happened until we found an abandoned train yard.
Now, Bear Bone, egghead that he is, estimated that the mine was roughly a hundred years old. There was only one train and it was an insanely old model. It was rusty and lying on its side, and it was apparent that whatever they were planning to do with it never came through, as there was only one track and it wasn’t completely dug out.
So, being thorough adventurers, and having a bear of an earth pony on hoof, we decided to right the train and see if there was anything interesting inside it. And wouldn’t you know it, flipping it back up opened up the furnace, and caused the golem inside it to wake up.
I know, right? What kind of moron would use a golem as a fuel source, even if it was made of coal? They tend to start screaming when you set them on fire, smash their way out of the furnace, and go on a storming rampage. I would know, because that’s exactly what this one did.
But the funny thing is, coal isn’t exactly a super tough material. Sure, the golem was a big hulking pile of rock, but the darn thing went down in like, four seconds. Two of them were just the gap between me throwing my bombs and them hitting the thing.
But that’s not the crazy part. No, the crazy part is that after we blew it up and there was nothing left but a small lump, it actually got fairly polite and started talking to us! I mean, golems are increadibly stupid and brutish, but this one actually had something approaching manners! Even offered us a ride in his train for letting him out of it. A ride straight into a collapsed tunnel, but the fact that he offered it is pretty nuts.
“To be fair, golem constructing is a fairly fickle form of magic. It can be rather difficult to get consistent results,” finished Bear Bone, joining the three of them.
“Yeah, but I can count the number of golems I've even heard of that you can have an actual conversation with on one hoof,” said Kazi with an eyeroll.
“Exactly. Anyway, hello again, Miss Applejack. This place isn’t too unnerving for you, is it?” asked Bear Bone.
“Ah’d be lyin’ if Ah said Ah was comfortable, but Ah’ve also been through worse. Ah’ll get by,” said Applejack.
“I know what you mean. We’ve been through more than our fair share of unpleasant events. The adventurer’s life isn’t all treasure and exploration,” said Bear Bone with a shake of his head.
“Ugh, don’t remind me. I still feel unclean from that trip down into the sewers. I mean, there were flesh-eating eels down there! Why the buck were there eels down the toilet?!” complained Kamikazi.
Despite her overwhelming curiosity, Apple Bloom figured that the two of them really didn’t want to elaborate on that one.
“Still, that wasn’t our only run in with eels,” said Bear Bone.
“Yeah, they just kept popping up. At that flooded garbage heap, the rusty shipyard…” recounted Kamikazi.
“Oh! That one might make for an interesting story,” said Bear Bone.
Abandoned shipyards are as dangerous as they are fascinating. You can find all kinds of neat things lying around, but all that rust, oil, and twisted metal can be hazardous if you’re not careful, even if they're not littered with giant eels and leftover powder kegs waiting to explode.
This particular shipyard was located in a small bay in western Equestria, about an hour's walk from the coast. We never managed to get the full story, but apparently it was privately owned by some wealthy Cantorlot noble who’d been trying to build their own ship for bragging rights, but never bothered finishing it. Kazi decided to name it the S.S. Rusty Bucket.
This particular ship was a mess. Half-sunk, and leaking oil to the point that the entire bay had been reduced to a ugly, multicolored mess. We sent a letter to the authorities after we were done there. That mess needed to be cleaned up, and it needed it badly. But we hadn’t come all that way to turn back just because things were a little dirty.
But the worst part was definitely the engine room. When we went down there to try and turn a few essential systems back on, we found the sludge pooling at the bottom was so toxic it probably would have killed us if we weren’t undead. And once the machinery was moving again, it was far too easy to fall into it.
And even once we managed to get out of there, the oily water outside was only slightly better. It was thick, hard to swim through, and had this horrible stench that made it feel like you couldn’t breath even with your head above the surface. I dearly wish we hadn’t needed to dive into the muck, but it was the only way to reach certain parts of the ship due to the damage. It took us weeks to clean that stuff out of our coats.
There were a few other, lesser threats, such as a crane cage that nearly trapped us, or a misplaced life preserver that nearly broke one of Kazi’s wings, but eventually everything came together. We managed to reach the cargo hold, and our long, disgusting search neated us several large crates full of preserved spices and other trade goods. Legal spices, of course. We’re undead adventures, not criminals.
“It took some doing to get it all back to civilization, but we earned a lot of bits for our efforts,” finished Bear Bone.
“Though we did keep some for ourselves. Let me tell ya, that was some of the best Mac and Cheese I’ve ever tasted,” said Kamikazi with a reminiciant smile.
“It also caused you to breathe fire, if I recall,” said Bear Bone.
“Exactly. The best,” said Kazi with a smile.
“Woah. That must have been some mighty strong spice,” said Apple Bloom with a bit of awe in her voice.
Applejack gave a grunt of agreement, silently praying to Celestia that Apple Bloom didn’t get any ideas. There was enough destruction in the filly’s wake without having to add fire to the mix.
“Oh, it was. In fact, bringing it up is giving me a craving for it again. Think we can stop and buy some on the way home, big guy?” asked Kazi.
“It’d be a bit of a detour, considering they don’t sell it in Canterlot. And besides, there are other, cheaper, ways to breathe fire, Kazi,” reminded Bear Bone.
“Really?” asked Apple Bloom with stars in her eyes.
“Apple Bloom…” warned Applejack with a glare.
“Oh, relax Mama Fruit. I’m not about to tell the filly how to do it. But yeah, there are other ways. Though the least harmful way is to just turn into a species that can do it naturally,” said Kamikazi.
“Like that time you turned into a dragon?” asked Bear Bone.
“Exactly,” said Kazi with a smirk.
Now, shape shifting magic is one of the hardest forms of magic there is. Especially when you’re trying to use it on undead. Thankfully, me and the Bonehead know a buffalo. And a zebra, but after the washer incident, we figured we'd leave this particular brand of magic to someone else.
Anyway, we were gearing up to explore an active volcano close to the Dragonlands, so we figured we’d want to be a little less flammable when we got there. Our buffalo gal decided that the obvious solution was to send us on a fetch quest for some super rare magical creature to harness its power.
To make a long, boring detour short, we had to open a vault in an ice cavern, hidden at the end of a long flooded tunnel, using a giant key we found in a canyon at the edge of a town full of cowardly kickball players. Don’t ask. Those pointy faced weirdos are a story of their own, and it’d take hours to cover that mess.
Anyway, we got the weird pink thing she needed, she whipped up a pool of weird pink goo, and gave us a couple of weird pink potions to drink when we were ready to turn back. Now, Bonehead is usually the one to dive into these things, he hasn’t got feathers to clean when he turns back, but I figured I’d give this one a shot. A bee or a walrus? No thanks, but I’ll gladly let myself be turned into a fire breathing beast any day.
And let me tell you, when I came out of that pool and felt the fire in my gut, I was seriously tempted to burn that buffalo’s house down. Can you even imagine how powerful I felt? I wasn’t even that big a dragon! Barely the size of a teenager, but it was like the world was my b… uh… oyster. Sorry, didn’t mean to almost swear in front of the kid.
And those scales! I mean, I’ve never been one to give a buck about my looks, but that lovely shade of green was just… wow. I actually tried my hoof with some coat dye to see if I could pull it off with my feathers, and sure enough I came out smoking hot. Shame the dye irritates the holes in my flesh. Might have been willing to use it more often if it didn’t sting so much.
Where was I? Oh yeah. So, the volcano. What might have been a death sentence to a pegasus was just a nice hot bath to a dragon. It was worth all the trouble to get that spell, let me tell you. Especially considering that some of the ruins we were exploring were a little flooded with lava. Never would have made it to the end without that dragon form.
And as we were making our way down to the base of…
“Apple Bloom!” called the receptionist.
The young filly gave a jump as she realized her name had been called.
“Dang it. I was just getting to the good part about that weird dragon with the long neck. Ah well, we’ll have to finish this story another day. Catch ya later, apple girls,” said Kazi with a smirk.
“Thank Celestia,” mumbled Applejack.
“Right. Thanks for the stories. See y’all later,” said Apple Bloom as she got out of her seat.
Bear Bone and Kamikazi waved goodbye as the two farmers headed through the door.
“Well, that was a pleasant surprise, wouldn’t you say?” asked Bear Bone.
“Yep. Did you see the look on the cowpony’s face? Priceless! I almost feel bad about constantly messing with her. Almost,” said Kazi with a smirk.
Spike and Twilight would want to hear about this one - for different reason.
Sweetie Belle: Will it turn me into a giant dragon robot?
Scootaloo: Meh, what is impressive about that magic? It is just an afford of someone who is jealous of changelings' talent.
New chapter! Love the lore dump!
Fear not, I recognized at least most of the references. Let’s see how good my Banjo Tooie knowledge still is!
Mayahem’s Temple, Cloud Cuckooland, Grunty Industries.
Rusty Bucket Bay. Pretty easy since you put the name right in there. I can’t count the number of times I fell off the machinery in the engine room — so many lives lost in that one section.
Buffalo is a pretty good animal to use, considering Humba’s hut design. And the washer is the transformation from Grunty Industries.
Hailfire Peak, with Chilly Willy and Chili Billi, although this seems to be specifically the lava side. Plus Stop N Swop (which was fun and thankfully made possible on the Xbox), although I don’t remember the Stonies being part of how you get the Ice Key and Mega Glowbo. It was in the walrus’s cave in Freezeezy Peak in the first game, wasn’t it?
That was a fun blast to the past. I like Nuts and Bolts, but I miss the traditional Banjo Kazooie puzzle style.
10770772
Suddenly I want a Scootaloo Werewolf raised by Vampires story.....
I am a weird weird little man.
And I'm fine with that.
These references did my heart some good. Ergo, you did good.
This does make me think of a clip show episode
I don't get it.
Oh so that’s what happened to Terra some jerk griffin’s made his head into a coal golem and chained me up for a year but I couldn’t find him thanks guys (legit making it up for a laugh)
Nice Banjo Kazooie Banjo Tooie references. Back in the day (before wiki walkthroughs were invited) it literally took me years to beat those games, so yeah, they are eternally engraved in my mind.
Do Gobi's Valley next.
Who named that street?
Funzies?
Ah yes. Not Banjo and Not Kazooie.
Wonder what happened?
Of course.
Fair enough I suppose.
Yeah, I'll bet. Not to mention whatever supernatural shit that may be going on.
That's impressive. (As an aside, not being familiar with the Banjo-Kazooie franchise, if these are references, they're going over my head.)
Ehehe...
Wise decision.
So, none of those were real?
Well, at least it was a fun chapter.
We could assume that these are all references to the same series those two are without knowing or caring about the specifics, rightly so according to 10841685.
10842129
Considering the "building" itself is a literal cave, they're probably just outside city limits and can therefore basically make up an address. (You can also do this if you're on an intersection, see 21 Baskin-Robbins)
Ah Banjo Kazooie/Tooie, my childhood on the N64 among other good games.
A real shame that since Microsoft bought Rare, they haven't done anything good with the franchise.
I really hope with their introduction in Smash Bros. we'll see them again in a good game.
10842499
Interestingly enough, there's also a GBA game that fits in-between Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie, Would be kind of neat to see someone port it to the Banjo-Kazooie engine using a tool like Banjo's Backpack or similar, especially if you could burn it to an EPROM cart and play it on real hardware...
I can always appreciate some self-indulgent Banjo-Kazooie references. Lovely interlude. Here’s looking forward to the darker follow-up.
(And the less said about the batpony and dragon trying to grab Bare and Kazi’s jobs, the better. )
10844000
Cool
"This place gives me the hebe jebes" -- Although a made-up word, it's in the dictionary as heebie-jeebies.
Hi, I'm half the people
I remember that life preserver from a Hellfire Comms playthrough. It came to life and beat them half to death.
10846086
Hoss, I replied to the comment wherever I was sent when I clicked the notification. I ain’t gonna go searching for the exact spot the comment comes from for a tiny little reply.
Awesome! I loved the Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie references in the chapter!
10844481
I looked it up and apparently it's an older spelling variant of heebie jeebies.
A couple of other minor typos I noticed in the bit about the abandoned shipyard you said they neated several cases of rare spices, that should be netted. The other one was shortly after that you described Kamikaze with a reminiciant smile that should be reminiscent.
Still a fun little chapter even if I don't quite recall what AJ'S beef with Kamikaze is.
I just got Bear Bones' and Kamikazi's name references.
10846116
Here's a tip, see the chapter title on the top of the comment? Click that and you'll go to where the comment is.
10860108
Not on mobile.
10860110
That explains things, because on PC you can.
Dang, I wanted to hear about the check up not the story lmao
You may want to rewrite that line for a particular reason that is inappropriate to discuss on a story with this rating.
That said, it's a hilarious gaffe assuming that it wasn't on purpose.
Great update! Looking forward to reading more.
Yes I definitely don’t get the joke but it’s nice chapter regardless
10908812
Honestly, the word she meant was probably flair, with maybe a bit of confusion because explosions.
This was a fun read
You know... Considering Kamikazi's personality and how her answer to anything is "More boom!"... Saying flare, like what one uses to spot enemies at night or to send signals to others in need, makes a whole lot of sense, and I'm scared by what she's likely done now...