All credits for cover art go to xebck
Original story idea was Alphamon_Ouryuken's.
Long ago in the magical land of Equestria, the righteous King Sombra ruled the Crystal Empire in peace, but there was a time when three others also ruled along side him. Chrysalis, his beloved - who went into hiding because of a curse placed on her - along with Celestia and Luna - who sadly became drunk on their own power, and he was forced to banish.
A thousand years later, his prized student Sunset Shimmer is given the task of make sure the Crystal Faire goes as it should, as well become more social with the citizens, but sadly that task is derailed by the disappearance of the Crystal Heart, and the return of Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon!
Now Sunset must find a way to stop the two tyrannical Queens before they bring the Empire to ruin! But she might need a little help . . . from the most unexpected sources . . .
Well welcome to FIMfiction! I look forward to reading your story!
An interesting start here, the idea of Sombra being the "Celestia" of the story is one I haven't seen before. And seeing Sunset's more confident approach to things sounds like a marvelous time.
If I might make two recommendations?
Firstly, consider taking some more time with transitions, the in-between moments where the characters go from one place to another. That is not to say that you need to narrate every moment of their lives, but the little conversations that go on in one's head, descriptions of the scene, small-talk, etcetra, really help to bring a world to life.
As to the other thought, try not to let the episode plots unduly influence you. What I mean by this is, don't assume that the characters will do the same things, or react the same way, as the original cast. After all, Sunset is not Twilight, Sombra is not Celestia, the townsponies are not the citizens of Ponyville, and so forth. Therefore, a one-for-one re-telling of the show would feel, unrealistic, so to speak.
After all, there is an "Alt-Universe" tag on the story... feel free to let the ripples go where they like.
Well, I DO have to say this is NOT half-bad for a first story. Not much I can suggest beyond what the previous reviewer already suggested: Namely put a bit more focus on the differences between certain characters than the similarities. For the most part, you have done a decent job on showing the differences between certain characters as well as the similarities (for example, Sugarcoat being less pushy and more professional than Applejack and Indigo being noticeably less lazy than Rainbow). Just work on expanding upon the differences and you should be off to a really good start.
Plus, a possible character idea for MUCH later (say, around Season Five): Tempest Shadow in Starlight Glimmer's role, but instead of going Starlight's route, she was driven to an equality obsession by the loss of her horn and the effort it took to train herself to do most of the things she could before even without her horn. She also does the equality obsession part differently; by training willing soldiers to their maximum potential and using them in a series of guerrilla war-style strikes against what she feels are symbols of INequality.
Anyway, I WILL very certainly be looking forward to more of this.
Not bad, not bad. You have my attention.
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Noted. Thank you both! Also, to Comickook: not a bad idea, this was originally supposed to be a singular story but I'm toying around with the idea of expanding it. Your suggestion is something I'll take into consideration.
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Thanks. Yeah, it might make for a semi-decent sequel story set a couple of years after THIS one.
Anyway, I DO appreciate you at least considering it. :-D
Great chapter, one question: is there a counterpart for Spike?
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Yes, there is. It's a dragon named Flame. It was mentioned in the previous chapters.
All I can say is really good job on the exchanges, characterizations, main adventure start and future chapter set-up in all the right places. I particularly liked your spins on the Laughter and Honesty tests.
I will most assuredly be looking forward to more. And I hope the New Year has been good to you so far.
Yeah! Can't wait for more!
Great job on the chapter!
Please don't make me wait! I want more!
Another chapter well done. Again, the spins on the Kindness and Generosity tests were simply superb. Plus, the fair warning on the rating and tag upgrades is greatly appreciated.
Once again, the characterizations, exchanges and future chapter set-up is excellent in all the right places.
I am DEFINITELY going to be looking forward to the climax as well as possible further stories in this series .
You're were on a roll with these updates
Nice work. I'm interested to see where this goes.
Good joke.
Excellent job on the second-to-last chapter. The action, exchanges, characterizations and epilogue set-up are beautifully done in all the right places.
The detail that went into the final two trials was wonderfully done, showing the differences to canon as well as the similarities. I especially liked how Indigo reflected on her old keepsake and how Sunset reflected on her family's pushing her so hard AND on her new friends.
So, yeah, definitely looking forward to the epilogue.
Can't wait for the epilogue!
I still say that a more proper translation of the sixth element is "faith". Harrumph, silly unicorns, always thinking that their magic is their most valuable trait.
holy. this is going in my read it later
Excellent epilogue. I LOVED Sunset's observations concerning Celestia and Luna after they were both purified especially Sunset's pondering on the similarities of Celestia's cutie mark and her own as well as Sunset's noticing Flame's post-adventure upgrade , the scene with Sunset's parents and the observations considering the unwanted attention Sunset and her friends have gotten for their role in stopping Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon . All in all, the characterizations, exchanges and future story set-up are all well done in all the right places.
So, yes, well done on the story and I can respect the want/need to take a break. You've certainly earned it. And I will certainly be quite willing to respect your decision one way or the other.
Can't wait for the sequel!
A lovely first foray. You wrote a fine story.
Though, honestly, I was a little surprised to see them brought right back to their old royal titles. Sombra has done a fine job of ruling all these centuries, I half-expected that they'd simply earn a good stipend for raising the sun and moon, but otherwise just be regular citizens.
Or at least, as regular as two out-of-time alicorns could be...
This was a awful ending. Unlike and unfav. I'm sorry, but this was a shit ending.
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Can I ask why? I kinda want to rewrite the epilogue, so I could use some feedback.
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Its just I was hoping it would follow the show with the new elements of harmony going about what happen in the show. all the way to Sunset becoming a alcorn princess, to getting her school. Maybe having Twilight as her student. stuff like that. that's what I was hoping this story would be....but sadly it wasn't.
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Oh! This book is just the pilot, I was planning to make other stories centered around this universe. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear in the Author's Note.
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hmm... ok I will watch you for now. hoofs cross over here. 😉
Isn’t sunny a earth pony in this universe? You probably meant lemon
What finger? She’s a pony
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Thank you. Fixed.
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Okay, thank you.
Is this based on the Reflections arc of the comics?
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No, not really. I don't really read the comics all that much anyway.
Moving a bit quickly.
I was going to call out that Sunset was blending to well with the other girls, but it seems like you've taken that into consideration as well.
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Is that a reference to Faith and Doubt?
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Probably not, given that I've never heard of it...
I love this story, making sunset and the Shadowbolts the main 6, keep up the good work.
Shadow King Verso / equestria verso
Sunset Shinmer / Twinlight Sparkle
Crysaliss / Candence
Candence / Crysaliss
Trixie Lullamon / Sunset Shinmer
Twinlight Sparkle / Star LightGlimmer
Starlight Glimer / Trixie Lullamon
did I get it right?
As a first work the most important thing is that you finished it. It's obviously been some time since then but it's still something worth celebrating.
That said, I wish I had been able to enjoy this fic. I love Sunset and the EqG Shadowbolts dearly, but the reason I love them is because they're all kind of jerks, to some degree or another. It's fun to laugh along with their jerkery and it's heartwarming to find find the gold buried deep in their hearts.
Your Sunset and your Shadowbolts were not jerks. They were all pleasant ponies. They were unrecognizable as the characters they were supposed to be. It felt like you transposed their appearances over the personalities of the classic Mane 6, instead of writing a story with roles for the Shadowbolts.
It doesn't look like you've posted anything in a while. I hope you're still writing. There is clearly passion here, and I hope you give that passion the exercise it craves.