On Nightmare Night, a young filly was injured. Soon, many ponies are disappearing, then reappearing injured, and sometimes dead. Can Twilight and her friends stop the Menace known as the Slender Mane?
(*Note: I had trouble working this so I deleted it for a while... I figured it out now though. I also have no idea how to write Southern Accent.)
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I read it. Then I clicked track.
Good! Although my OCD compels me to tell you that Applejack is a name, and therefore is one word. I would understand if it was Jack Apple, but the 'Apple' is in the front, so its one word. Sorry if I come up brash.
I really like the idea that you are going for, though at times it seems a bit rushed.
The initial ideas seem pretty good, but I have a few little critiques:
1. Spacing. Whenever a new character is talking, you need to start a new paragraph.
2. Pacing. It does seem very rushed. You should slow things down a bit. The sign of a good story is one that sets the reader up, builds up, and then WHAM! something happens. In this chapter, it just seems like you are trying to get your ideas down on paper as quickly as possible.
But otherwise, I am intrigued as to where this might go. I am a huge fan of the Slenderman mythos, and crssing it over with MLP is a great idea. But it needs to be done right. Make sure you research the mythos plenty, so you know what is expected of him.
You should probably get a pre-reader and editor to help you out with some things
otherwise good shit
I'm scared to read this.....
I always get the Chills when i hear about Slender Man. Good thing he doesn't exist! (sound of rasping on the window). "Who's there?" (Silence) "Oh my god. I need to stop watching these Slender man stories. They make me hear and see things." (Goes to window) "Stupid tree or whatever it is!" (Turns around to see Slender man standing in front of me)" What the?! GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" -"Dead"
Thank you all for your comments!
I do think something titled Slender Mane was already featured on Equestria Daily.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/05/story-slender-mane.html
Keep going, but be sure you don't assimilate too much to the original concept!
62112
Oh, I heard about it on Tumblr, and there was no fanfics so I wanted to try.
Gonna go read that page now.
... Hm ... Its an interesting idea ... But its kinda predictable.
You could write the exact story as Marble Hornets (To be honest, I wish you would, as it's a great story with many many psychological triggers exploited), and it still be a great and unique read.
MH uses so many subtle visuals and tones to make it the way it is, I don't even know how a writer would do it.
Coming from someone who studies psychology and writes occasionally.
Keep going.
64308
Why did I not think of that!
I shall *somehow* make it work!
It's ok.
If you make a drastic switch now, you'll only be more like MH: That being, a completely random and sudden change of mood, direction, and environment.
I must say, I love how smoothly he transitions the camera from Alex's house, walks through a door, seamlessly walk through a door in an old hospital of some sort.
You're doing decently well. I mean, the only reason MH works is it's first-person, more or less.
You're writing 3rd person. Or maybe from an omnipotent Twilight..
Perhaps rename this chapter to prologue and switch perspectives? Turn Celestia into a form of Alex?
I don't know.
61755
Sorry, It was 1:00 in the morning when I started, and 3:00 when I finished.
65434
I have an idea. I will loosely base it off Marble Hornets, (Because there is no way I am going to watch Marble Hornets at night
) but and new elements as well.
*Add. I meant to say add, but my keyboard keeps messing up.
But I want to add tragedy as well, which I don't remember from Marble Hornets.
Friendship be damned! I want horror and blood!
66505 MH doesn't have ponies either. :|
MH doesn't have tragedy because it's only involved maybe three people as victims, and they're too concerned with being scared shitless.
66703
Best. Description. Ever.
But yeah, I wish sad stuff would have happened. It helps understand the characters more.
66586
Lose ALL the blood!
I need to stop now
If u do not click the "track" button, U are MAD!!!!! This is awesome!!!!!!
and scary
66934 Lack of emotion to Jay & Alex keeps you more focused on Slendy and Masky.
Also, you must post the full-sized image for the thumbnail.
YOU. MUST.
Ohhh
legend of the slender mane
MOTHERBUCKING CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you must continue please and for some reason I expect to see twilight don't know why it just fit with me I just see the other pony removing the mask and it being twilight
well start writing 
THIS IS AMAZING! I REQUEST ANOTHER CHAPTER! *smashes cup on the ground* ((thor refrence! :3))
ZOMG I'm scared to go to sleep
that cliffhanger was a dick move
MOAR! NOW! OR I WILL FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE AND KILL YOU!
(I won't actually kill you, but seriously, more or you're in big trouble)
Yes...yes...yes...YES...YES...YES YES YES YES YES YES-
(EPIC CLIFFHANGER! And that's where I'm ending for now.)
i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000005615128-u2cu1f-crop.jpg?8b4aa3f
I love the story so much, but the top of my screen shows Scoots covered in what is called "sonic rain jizz". Hate this site right now...
I hate myself for this, but I'm excited to see somepony get torn, ripped, maimed, or just plain out murdered by the Slendermane.
Oh come on! CLIFFHANGER!
Everypony gun die. Except Celestia and Luna and Cadence. NEVER ENDING CLIFFHANGER!
Many months later: Tragic News, The writer for The Slender Mane on FIMFiction.net, an online My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction website, has dissapeared. Eye-witness reports claim seeing the author driving off in his vehicle, never to return. Weeks later his vehicle was found in a ditch off of a dirt road in Prairie Creek Redwood State Park connecting to a parkway north of Redwood Highway 101 in Northwestern California. After months of searching with no conclusive evidence, the search was called off. Although reports say that a camera and video tapes were found at the author's residence, telling why he went to the forest in the first place. The tapes are referred to as too disturbing for live TV, so no further reports on that. But with the owner's home, vehicle abandoned, and the search called off, it doesn't seem that there is any hope left for this young author... and his story will be forever left in obscurity. This is Donny Vermillion for Dominion News, signing off. (Your TV/Computer monitor then explodes.)
THEN RAINBOW DASH FREAKS THE FUCK OUT AND HER HEAD EXPLODES!
At the end I was like Dun-dun-duuuuun!
First there was marble hornets.
Then there was concrete giraffes.
Now, Granite Ponies!
Go to YouTube and search SlenderMan song and look for the video with the picture with a guy with a sniper and slendey starring at him out a window!!!!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht9XKtgdnf0&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DHt9XKtgdnf0
At the end put this on: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht9XKtgdnf0&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DHt9XKtgdnf0
I can't wait to start reading the second chapter, omg, omg, omg
Cliffhanger?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
MOOOOOOOORE!!!!! FRIGGIN CLIFFEYS!!!! DX
(my thougths as i read the end)
aww come on!!!!