Blueblood is a selfish unicorn usually breaking the heart of the mares. He will meet a mare named Shoeshine who, as a result of a break-up, will be stuck in her body.
Chapters (8)
- Member Since 2nd Jun, 2018
- offline last seen Yesterday
Spirit Lunar
“In a world filled with misery and uncertainty, it is a great comfort to know that, in the end, there is a light in darkness.”
Spirit Lunar
Joined 2nd Jun, 2018 ·
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Good, but could do with a proofreader.
Interesting story, your writing still need work but you are keeping a consistent level of quality, so you just need to keep writing some more so that it flows more naturally for you eventually, you are already well on your way on that.
As for the story itself it reminds me of Maid to Serve in Which Shining Armor is turned into a maid and is under a compulsion spell so that he can't tell who he really is.
To continue with the story... I would suggest that PBB get caught the eye of another noble and gets harass by him.
Oh and maybe he/she has to make a living on his own for six months or so and we see how much he hates living with the commoners?
9326248
Thanks! I was inspired by the story maid me please! I'm new to the site, how it works the system of proofreader?
The sequel you had the idea can be nice.
Thanks for your ideas!
Nice to see an update on your story, I am a bit confused on what' happing, he refused the offer of work, understandably and got fired of the castle and he is virtually abandoned by his aunt; is what what happen? I take it he will try to get back to work for that Noble stallion artist. So far I though the set up interesting I hope you are having a good time to writing it, I will be looking forward to read more of it.
9326248
Hi Mix-up! I do not know if I send Blueblood to serve Cadence incognito or if I give it with Silver Glove. What do you think? Thank you for your comments and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!
Think this needs a little better formatting in sevtions,. It just becomes a strain to read not because it's bad, but because the formatting of the paragraphs makes it less appealing.
9365525
I changed the type of formatting, I hope it will be more enjoyable to read. Do not hesitate if you find that some passages are too long. Have a good day.
Interesting chapter, his aunt certainly seems to want to make him suffer I take it, I can't wait to see what Gloves will try to do next with Blueblood.
I also feel there has been a drop in the quality of of your writing this time around I hope you will keep on maintaining the good progress you were previously making, you might like to try out a text to speech program like Natural Reader to help pick up on your mistakes and sentence structures.
9388241
I'm sorry if my writing quality goes down, I'm always looking for my writing style and I admit that I have some difficulties in English.
Nice chapter, love that PBB is fining himself to wear lots of dress and getting more attention around him and growing to like it.
9401533
The next chapter will be an investigation into the abduction of Shoeshine with Derpy detective. 
I'm glad you like the story.
When did they become a couple I feel lost
9423147
Shoeshine in the body of Blueblood makes believe that they are in a relationship (she is still in love and hopes to change Blueblood's opinion about their relationship). Blueblood only hopes to find his body and has for the moment only feelings rather neutral towards her. Sorry if you felt lost, maybe I should better describe the feelings they feel towards each other. I hope you like the story despite these imperfections.
9423482
I do and I think it would be nice if blueblood never got his body back because shoeshine deserves it more
9423491
Maybe I have a funny ending idea about that.
A ending that could happen but I doubt will is blueblood and Shoshine have a foal
9423500
9423503
I was thinking of another body swap instead.
9423512
I thought that would be the case
I also had a sense of confusion in the sudden shift in tone to the story with the focus put on Derpy as a somewhat wacky detective for some reason. While I don't it was bad persay, Still I am curious to know what happened. Keep it up.
9424593
I wanted to tried an outside point of view to the main characters with a little investigation. The next chapter will focus more on the characters' feelings and the big galopping gala! I hope you enjoy the next chapter Mix-up!
That is interesting to see blueblood afraid of having a family (body swap not pending) Maybe he is just afraid he will be a bad dad
Nice chapter, I am surprised that Blueblood's time as a mare did transfer over to his dream or in his self image. I am still wishing something interesting Lord Glove as he is a lot of fun to see in trying to romance PBB. Keep it up.
9448778
9448688
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. This is the biggest chapter I wrote and I did not know if you will appreciate it. The next chapter will focus on the day and evening of the Grand Galopping as well as some surprises and perhaps some revelations.
I'm thinking of making another story with the Anon filly we're talking about at the end. Tell me if you're interested.
9483732
Im interested
9483847
Here is the summary if you are interested:
The story of a young Englishman who came to live in France who had the misfortune to come across an old fallen lord. He will end up as a young filly in an orphanage and will end up adopting by Blueblood and this wife Carrot Top under the watchful eye of one who will become what one will believe his imaginary friend but also the author of his torment: Lord Hatred.
With a picture.
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/248j-1551451147-433355-medium
9485504
Neat
I find that Shoeshine is a real bitch here as she is just using the excuse of teaching a lesson to PBB for the delight of watching him suffer and to control him and could have been handled better. Still, despite the dubious moral of the of the story, there were a many fun and interesting moments. The ending was iffy but I did like the idea of Luna borrowing his body for a few days made it a fun ending. Good luck on your next writing project.
9486547
Thanks to you for following this story all along and I hope if my next story tempts you that you will enjoy it.
I also hope that although the end has displeased you, you generally like it.
The idea is nice, but you need a proofreader because the grammar is atrocious.
That said, don't get discouraged and give up, ok? Some help and it would be great!
9741228
Thank you, I am looking for a proofreader for this story. I corrected the faults with the help of Grammarly but I doubt that it is enough.
I am currently working on another story related to this one ifyou are interrested.
The BAD luck of my LIFE
No offense intended, but it reads either like someone who doesn't have English as a first language is trying to speak in English while not fluent with the language, or like the chapter was put into a text translator, translated to a different language, specifically one that English doesn't translate well to, and then back to English. Others talk about getting a proofreader, but I feel like before even that it needs you to go through and read it. I know from experience that it's much harder to catch errors in writing while you're doing the writing, than it is when you look it over afterwards.
I wish I could give you an 'aside from the writing needing a good polish, it' blah, blah, blah, but unfortunately your draft is so rough that a simple polish won't do and it needs to have a buffing wheel taken to it, and because of that I couldn't tell what a lot of the details going on were. I mean, is Shoeshine a mare? Because you call Shoeshine a mare, but then you use 'him' as a pronoun. You also use 'her', but you use 'him' as a pronoun for Shoeshine.
10270709
I know it's not great and I still need a lot of practice before I'm able to write in good English. I would look at the text again to see if I can find any new mistakes that I hadn't seen. Afterwards, it's through forging that you become a blacksmith.
10271055
I was thinking English probably wasn't your first language, so I guess I was rather harsh for having prefaced my comment with a 'no offense'. Since that is the case, I agree with the others that a proofreader is definitely the way to go. English is a very nuanced language. There are a lot of little details to English grammar.
We can congratulate the princesses for making the prince their enemy until the end of their days, now Blueblood will hate them for the rest of their days. Keep it up, Celestia and Luna! To make a stallion humiliate himself and suffer more than he has ever done in his life, well, what could go wrong?