Flying Lies

by Heartbolt

the aftermath of the takeoff

Mother woke up and walked down the hall. She stopped and glanced at her daughters door. The pastry she had left was gone. She smiled, and hoped she felt better today. She walked to the sink to wash the dishes from the cake. She saw the sink empty and knocked on Moongazers door to see if she could retrieve the dishes. She got no answer. She twisted the knob and slipped into the door, carefull not to wake her sleeping daughter. She took a look around the room, confused. For see saw no dishes. She didn’t see Moongazer ethier. She made sure there was nobody in the room, and went to wake her husband.

“dear, wake up. I cant find Moongazer.” “wh-what? Whats so important I have to wake up at 7:00 on a Sunday?” he mumbled. “I cant find Moongazer.” “WHAT?!” her father jumped up. “What do you mean you cant find Moongazer!?" he shouted, alarmed. “calm down dear. She probably whent to the park. I woke you to tell you I was leaving. Ill be back in a half hour.” “ok. Ill look around the house for a sign of her.” Her father sighed. He was afraid that one day their filly would feel smothered and would not want to be near them. Her mother left, and Her father began his search. She wasn’t in the house, and she wasn’t in the yard. Her father searched her room for some sign of a stuggle or of her notifiying where she was. He found the note, but he was driven to wait until his wife came back to read it. As soon as her mother walked in the door, he handed her the note.

“have you read it? Were is she?” “I don’t know. I didn’t want to read it without you” “ok. Ill read it.” Her mother took the note and read it aloud. “and remember, earth ponies…cant fl-fly.” She stuttered, tears filled her eyes. “Bluewish?” she whispered and sat down next to Moongazers father. “what dear?” he asked quietly. As the mare leaned on his shoulder. “promise me shes alright. I don’t care if its true. I just want to hear someone say it.” “Anything for you, Tenderheart, shes alright. I promise.” He whispered, warm tears rolling down both of their cheeks. And for the rest of the night, they laid in each others arms, thinking and whispering about the filly they both loved.

Comments

[JaydexTheShadowKnight]

This is a very touching story. And personally I haven't encountered any fics featuring a Pegasus pony who didn't realize she wasn't an earth pony. I will definitely track this story as it has potential.

Now I fear I need to point out a few minor errors, but don't worry I will do so in a constructive manner. I hope I don't come off too harsh. All I wish to do is help you. Besides, I see you are fairly new to FIMfiction.

Okay, first off, whenever someone speaks in a story, it's best to put each person's dialogue in a new paragraph. For example (I'm going to use characters from this story):

Moongazer walked down stairs to the smell of breakfast. She saw her parents seated at the table. "Good morning mom, good morning dad!" she called to them.

Her mother looked up from her cup of tea and smiled. "Hello dear. Would you like some breakfast?" she asked.

"Yes please," replied Moongazer.

Other than some minor spelling and grammar errors, the only other thing I wish to point out is that it's best to post chapters that are at least 1,000 words in length. Personally I don't see a problem with your short chapters. But some readers might think the short length rushes things a little.

Despite these minor issues, you are doing quite well. I am looking forward to reading the remaining chapters, once I get home from work tomorrow! You have a very nice story in the works. I am already wondering what's going to happen to Moongazer, and if she will ever return to her parents and tell them her little secret.

[Heartbolt]

1037716

your comment made me smile.

and ill definitaly try to work out the errors you pointed out. i forgot to run a few of the chapters through grammer checker.