The name's Dash. (Previously Ronnie) And I write humanized pony stories. Welcome to my humble page.
Sunset orders something....different online and excitedly anticipates its arrival, but when she learns it somehow ended up at Twilight Sparkle's house instead of her apartment, it's a race against the clock to save her girlfriend's innocence—and herself from embarrassment. sex tag because really, we all know whats in that package
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Innocence is rarely found where you expect it. Especially not when an inquisitive mind lies in a pubescent body. I just hope Twilight shares her findings with Sunset before Best Human finds herself on the wrong end of burning vengeance.
All told, an amusing bit of fate working against Sunset. Thank you for it.
Hah, of course Fluttershy would be in to that kind of stuff, and of course Zephyr would find out.
Goddammit Sci Twi...
Not cool, Twilight! You should have at least offered to share.
She better not let her brother find out she opened a package that wasn't addressed to her. He'd have to arrest her. That's a federal felony.
Honestly would have been infinetly funnier if it had been someone else that was Sunset's girlfriend. Can't this fandom be more original?
This is still funny though. Upvoted.
"In her butt, silly! Same place as the vacuum!"
*dies*
Bit contrived to have both Sunset and Twilight living on Main Street. Also a bit contrived to use Derpy as the post carrier since she's a high school student and normally they wouldn't have that kind of job. Also, the scene just suddenly jumps from Sunset freaking out over the package not being there to Sunset talking to Derpy without any kind of transition, and that's a bit jarring.
The autofill thing makes sense, though. I spent six months living in my aunt's rumpus room after the flood and Chrome still hasn't caught on to the fact that I'm back in my apartment.
OR she could just call Velvet and say "Hey, there's a package at your doorstep that's supposed to have gone to my place, I'm coming by to pick it up." I mean, there's civilized, not-crazy ways to handle these things. (Yeah, wouldn't make for as fun a story, but some nits need to be picked.)
Man, what a comedy of errors trying to get from one place to the other!
*snort* Fluttershy. Innocent. Yeah...right.
Like I said. Oh, and they don't use the term 'yaoi' anymore. Nowadays, it's BL.
"It's...umm...Spike's birthday?"
The ending honestly fell a bit flat, I'm sorry to say. I can't quite place what was off about it, it just felt like it could've ended funnier.
Sunset, you’d better not harm a single golden hair on Derpy’s mane! It was your dumb horsefucking ass that put in the wrong address, Derpy just followed what was printed on the box!
That's kind of a let down. Twilight ends up basically stealing the damn thing. What the hell?!!
I was kind of expecting you'd go more off the video when you write this, but what you came up with honestly in infinitly better. Thumbs up my friend.
Wickedly funny!
Fluttershy?
Sci-Twi??
Oh, Sweet Celestia ...
Twilight was told to her face that Sunset sent it there by accident, didn’t give it back when asked, opened someone else’s mail, and used Sunset’s sex toy without her permission (which could also make it a biohazard if Sunset ever gets it back and it wasn’t cleaned)
I’m sorry, but at least to me, Twilight comes off as a total dick in this story, especially given how much she knew how much Sunset was looking forward to it
It's always the quiet ones.
9291578
With comedy, the absurdity of the situation out weighs reason, and you arent supposed to think about it too hard. Not saying you're wrong, just saying sometimes suspension of belief is best to enjoy things like this.
9291461
Thanks for the criticism! The fact that you read my story makes me really happy! I'm trying to get better at writing stories like this, and I also felt like the ending could have been better? But I'm gonna keep working until I get it right.
9291578
I think she'll enjoy it even more if Twilight shows up with it saying she tested it out for her and how about Twilight share her new knowledge with her.
That title made me think of this classic:
And of course Twilight took it. Because why not?
9292007
There's a balance that should be struck, though, between absurd slapstick and simply nonsensical storytelling.
Twilight is A) straight-up lying about the package arriving, B) to Sunset, previously stated to be her girlfriend, and C) before she actually opened it to discover what it is, which would be the whole reason to even warrant a selfish desire to lie and keep the toy in the first place.
A and B you could let slide, maybe.
C completely wrecks the joke, as well as any suspension of disbelief one might be willing to grant the story up to that point.
9292007
It's not absurd, it's stupid. How much did that thing cost? Only to have Twilight go all OOC and steal it.
Shit if you wanted it to be funny, have the package actually contain those test tubes Twilight apparently ordered. Like Sunset walks in to Twilight's room. "Twilight don't open-"
But Twilight's already opened the package and its just her test tubes.
Then Sunset wonders where her package ended up.
Then cut to...I don't know...Button Mash opening a package he suspects is a new video game. That would be funny.
9292010
Endings in a story like this can be really tricky. Sometimes it's hard to find just the right punchline. I've had far too many endings fail on me, I know how it feels.
9292223
Eh. You win some you lose some. Story's not for everyone
That bit at the end was hilarious
Roda Rolla Da?
9292223
I see what your saying... but as a writer (on another site) Ending chapters on a joke is harder than it look...
and to be fair, she didn't steal it... it was sent to her address, by right... it is hers.
why do i have feeling it was shape like something form equisetia,
I had something like this almost done. Not toy wise, pictures and a suggestive pillow case. It got there by afternoon and my sister beat me to it but I grabbed it from her and hid in my room.
Never again!
Damn it, i woke my parents from laughing, but i could totally see twi just in an alleyway buying illegal chems
It's a horse dong dildo, isn't it.
9294854
Maaaaaaaybe
Woooooow Twilight. You are SUCH a dirty girl!!
So. They have BD in that world. Nice :P
Twilight, for the last time: stop hanging out with meth dealers!
Edit: The erectquine.
even when derpy gets the right house she getst he wrong house
Dangit Twi you should have told her... but now I suddenly want to read about that
Will twi return Sunset toy to her? or is she keeping it?
YOU BETTER RETURN IT TWI AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT WITH NO RESISTANCE
Also, is it ok that I can write a series of what if chapters that take place after the original events.
And I'd murder Twilight if I were Sunset. That's a real shitty thing to do, especially after Sunset told her it was shipped there by accident.
9291253
Share something that doesn't belong to her and belongs to said person she's trying to share it with?
But at the end. Twilight didn't open the package until after Sunset arrived, then left.
If Twilight went straight home, we could say she got there just before 3:00pm. Which means she has been holding on to that box for over an hour and just decided to open it just before Sunset arrived.
So, what was Twilight doing all that Time before Sunset arrived?
9292223
Yes that would be perfect lmao