The Knifest Letters

by Charles Farrow

The Start of An Unusual Correspondence

It was a rather relaxing afternoon.
The sun was leisurely making it's way across the sky and there was nary a cloud to block out it's kindling rays.

Yes despite the lack of cover, it wasn't a sweltering heat that wrecked the land, but a comfortable warmth that invigorated the body and put a smile on ones spirit.

It was on this lovely day that Princess Celestia found herself looking out over the land, from the balcony of her office.
The office itself wasn't the most fancy of the bunch, but it was cozy and the furniture was of old and masterful design, making it feel more homey than professional.

The balcony adjacent to it wasn't much to speak of, simply consisting of an alcove, a fence and a set of chairs with a table.
However, for what the balcony lacked in gaudy decoration, it more than made up for with the astonishing view that it had.

Setting her cup of tea down on the table, Celestia let out a satisfied sigh.
breaks like these were among her favourite, just behind the occasional breaks that allowed her to mingle with her sister. There was just something cathartic about simply looking out over the land with a good cup of tea and freeing her mind of the troubles of work.
A gentle breeze caressed her face as she watched a lone cloud scoot it's way across the heavens.

Alas all good things must come to an end, and it was about time she got back to work.
Teleporting the tea set to the kitchens she took one last look at the beautiful vista, before heading back inside.

Going through her mail was probably one of her favourite parts of her paperwork. She usually put it on hold until she was done with the rest of her work and today was no different.
Signing treaties and forms could get ever so dull, and while she took her job seriously and knew its importance, she couldn't help but to let out a sigh of relief as she floated the mail over.

The clutch of packages and letters all varied in size and origin, and barring a few outliers she usually knew most of the creatures that had sent them. Going through them there were the usual status reports from specific research teams and projects that she had administered, which she read with a professional curiosity.
Letters from diplomats and acquaintances, for which she replied with the usual curtsey and answer to whatever subject they were broaching.
There were many of such letters and quite a few that weren't spectacularly exciting, but which needed to be read.

And finally there were her two favourite kinds of letters.
The letters from her friends and the letters that didn't fit into any of the other categories.

After reading through the letters from her friends, one of which detailed an exchange her friend and former student, Twilight, had with a group of mercenaries and how she'd learned a valuable lesson from it.
It was an exciting little read and it raised her spirit.
'I simply must ask her the details on our next picnic' she thought as she put down the letters. Leaning back in her chair with a smile.
To think that the little filly she had known since she was just a foal, had become such a strong willed and clever mare, brought a tender warmth to her heart.

With a smile that went all the way up to her eyes and a gentle touch of magic she picked up the last letter in the pile.
It was bound with a small string and had come with a slender package, both wrapped in the paper bag they had come with.
There was a name on the package, but for some peculiar reason it didn't have an address attached.
With a lifted brow she pulled the string on the letter and opened it with a quick pull of magic.

It read.

Dear princess Celestia.

How are you?
I would like to apologise to you that I haven't written you earlier. I have been meaning to contact you for a while, but I am ashamed to admit, that so far I have not been able to find the proper words, that could describe the subject matter of what I want to convey to you.

However, despite that minor setback, I have found it in myself to write to you anyways so that I may broach the subject with you now and possibly write it out properly in future correspondence. If such a thing comes to pass, which to the desired effects of the subject I want to delve into with you, I dearly hope it does not.

If the delivery service didn't mess up their jobs -not that it'd surprise me-, I should hope that you've received a small package along with this letter?
If so, I'd like for you to open said package before reading any further. Please and thank you.

Celestia looked up from the letter with a raised brow and looked towards the package with interest.
Levitating the package up to her eyes she studied it further.

It had an oblong shape, but was square in form. So she assumed that whatever was inside must have been contained in a sort of box.
She brought it up to her ear and gave it a gentle shake. There was definitely some form of sloshing sound coming from inside. Perhaps a bottle of wine? She could go for a glass of wine at the moment.

Perhaps she was projecting.

she casually peeled off the packaging and was presented with an ornate glass bottle with a sort of blue substance inside.
Celestia wilted the tiniest bit at the lack of her desired beverage, but shrugged it off rather quickly, -It had been a pipe dream anyways- Instead focusing on the strange mixture with a vigorous curiosity.

It didn't look like any sort of brand she knew, and she knew quite a few. Maybe it was something new? A first taste of a product before it began selling in public. It wouldn't be the first time somepony had done such a thing.
watching the bottle with a newfound recognition she brought over the packaging it had come in and read the name.

"Nevermore Evermore", certainly a catchy name, though perhaps a bit too sumptuous if she was to be honest.
Name aside it certainly did look rather fetching, the bottle of a fine design and the fluids it contained swirling with a sparkling appearance.
Magicking a glass over from a nearby cupboard she looked back to the letter with a newly minted grin.

Now, presuming that you've done as I requested, I hereby officially offer you the first taste of my newest concoction.
Distilled from the finest crystal berries of the north, and a wide assortment of spices and herbs of the east, this drink is guarantied to make you feel alive as never before.
Having been brewed over half a year, it has been imbued with several flavour enhancing enchantments and is bound to have effect on even an alicorn.

It would be my most esteemed honor if you had the first taste and told me of your impression. Depending on your answer this may be the last time you or anyone ever drinks it, so I hope you'll do me the service of giving an honest review.

Now, there is a little note attached to the back of the letter. When and if you've had a taste please take a look at it. It's filled with all the legal jargon and what not. Boring really, but necessary.
I'm dying to hear your answer.

Sincerely, Sky's the limit.

It would seem that she wasn't completely off the mark. The elixir being of an at least somewhat intoxicating nature.
She looked out towards the balcony, noting that it had gotten quite dark. With a wistful sigh she looked back towards the bottle. 'Perhaps a small glass before I lower the sun won't hurt', she thought with a smirk.

Uncorking the flask, she took a whiff of the liquid and immediately leaned back in recoil.
flaring her wings she managed to catch herself before she fell out of her chair.

Her heart was beating like a drum, the scent of the mixture having completely caught her off guard.
It hadn't been an unpleasant sensation by any stretch of the imagination, it had just been powerful. Overpoweringly sharp and sweet. Demanding precedence and almost assaulting ones senses to get it.
Perhaps this "Sky" hadn't been joking when they said that it might be able to get her a bit tipsy.

The idea sent a flutter through Celestia's hearts. Alicorn physiology neutralised most alcohols and poisons before they could even begin to affect the mind, so it was notoriously hard to get any kind of buzz. She could scarcely remember the last time she had been drunk. It had to have been centuries ago.

She looked at the bottle with a small kindling of hope.
Slowly and with the utmost care she levitated the bottle up to the glass and poured herself a few shots worth of the liquor.
Oh how she longed to be able to dull the aches of a long day filled with political squabbles and nonsense with a glass of spirits.
To watch the sunset and forget her problems with a glass of brandy at her side.

She watched as the liquid seemingly floated out of the bottle into the glass, as if adrift on a wind of its own making.
The sparkling light blue substance reflecting the last rays of the days light across her desk, in a spectrum of colours, almost resembling an aurora.
Or her mane.

She looked to herself with mild surprise and studied the resemblance.
It wasn't quite like her own, but sharing a few of the attributes did put a smile on her face.
It was rather flattering and must have taken quite a while to get right. This was obviously a work of passion and reverence.
Surely this "Sky", must have put their whole heart into making it, and had certainly gained Celestia's respect by sheer effort alone.

If the drink tasted anything like it looked, she'd straight up go meet them personally.
Looking around to see if anyone was watching, a redundant action in hindsight but one born of excited trepidation, she corked the bottle back up and brought the glass and letter out with her onto the balcony.

The sun had ceased at it's hilt on the tip of a mountain in the horizon bathing the landscape in a feeling of fall like finality and calm after a long days work.
Sitting down she eyed the glass with a smirk. Perhaps if all went well she could end up with a good drink and a new friend.
That was certainly a thought worth toasting to.

Raising the glass towards the setting sun, she did just that, before downing the contents.

And then she exploded.

Although perhaps that was being a bit too literal. Her physical appearance saw nary a change, with the exception of a spectacular scrunched up face, but as the mixture made it's way down her throat it wreaked such havoc that it very much felt like a fireball was going down her throat.
But the almost literal explosion that had gone off in her throat was nothing compared to what was done to her senses.

As soon as the substance made contact with her tongue, it lit up every sensory input it could come into contact with.
Blossoming into an almost blissfully searing sensation. And as Celestia stared blankly into the horizon for about half a minute she slowly began regaining her wits, like a burned down forest growing back stronger after a systematic chain-explosion of chemical agents.
Though in this case the trees in the forest were all a bit wobbly and blurry, since the chemical explosion had altered their makeup as they grew and now they were buzzing with an awkward energy.

There were no trees on the balcony, this confused Celestia a bit, as that corner of the balcony over there could definitely benefit from a Guelder Rose or perhaps a Blackthorn...

She shook her head, and looked down at the glass, which had at some point decided to leave her hoofs grasp.
So rebellious had it been that it had even joined arms with the floor and made a form of rudimentary spike trap below her.
In a bout of brilliant and quick decision making, she gave a small yelp and jumped into the air, and in her display of incredible intelligence threw out her wings, so she wouldn't immediately plummet down onto the sharp shattered shards.

She looked down at the traitorous fragments and smirked a second, before sending down a beam of intense heat upon them, melting them in the process.
With her foe vanquished and the balcony of her study once more safe she threw her head back in a bellowing victorious laughter.

This had the unfortunate side effect of tipping her balance a bit to the right, which would have been no problem ordinarily as she would simply have leaned left in turn, but which for some unknown reason wasn't quite within her ability that moment.
It ended up going all right, but not in any good manner of fashion.

She tried to regain her balance, but it was a lost cause and in the end she fell down.

Over her balcony.

She awkwardly hurtled towards the cobbled streets below with an audacious speed that was, frankly, way above the arial speed limit.
This didn't register with Celestia however as she was laughing her hearts out. The wind bristled across her coat and a feeling of freedom washed over her, for the first time in what must have been months.

Her very soul seemed to be lit ablaze from within as she approached the stone laid streets below. So joyful was the sensation in fact, that it had deprived her access to the memory of what happens after one hits the paved ground at a speed high enough to impress a Wonderbolt.

It did eventually dawn on her that perhaps she shouldn't make a mess of the roads not so far below. Ponies worked hard at keeping them clean and functional, and really it would be somewhat rude of her to impact them at such a velocity.
With that in mind she did the only logical thing.

She fired up a teleport spell.

Celestia had always preferred to travel by will of her own limbs, as there was simply too much beauty to be seen, to just skip from place to place like some sort of maniacal dullness wizard. She did understand it's practical effects of course, she even tried to make more use of them now than she had in the past.
None of this could have prepared her for what she experienced when she fired up the spell.

The world stretched and bended in magnificent display of stretchy bendiness. A perforating feeling of having insulted gravity filled her being as the taste of spicy blueberries filled her mouth.

And just like that it was over. she had reached the other end of her teleport.
Which with the speed that she had neglected to dial down, sent her careening straight back into the air towards the singular cloud that hung above.

That cloud had quite the nerve to blemish her otherwise clear skies and she decided in that moment before impact that she'd make it aware of it's transgressions. She'd kick that clouds sorry derriere.

She was propelled straight through the cloud with a sound like exploding cotton and, oddly, a high pitched squeal of surprise, followed by a panicked yelp of rapidly fading terror.
The cloud seemed to have taken the brunt of her momentum and she found herself falling back onto the offensive cushion below.

With a pomf her little trip was over and she curled up with a glowing smile on her face.
The cloud, being as soft as it was, had won the argument of it's continued existence, on the condition that it continue being soft and fluffy.

Celestia, despite her want to just stay curled up in the comfy confines of the cloud around her, sat up.
Her gaze fell on the sun still sitting at it's hilt on the horizon. It really was a funny thing, that big old ball of light.
Most ponies assumed that it revolved around the entirety of the planet, which frankly was quite funny too.
She delighted in the humour of that with a sensibly discrete cacophony of a laugh as she banged her hoof on the floor of the cloud.

It really did feel good to just let loose, she couldn't remember last she got to do so in this fashion. Though whether that was on account of a long period of time having passed, or the poison running through her system, she hadn't a clue.
She decided that it didn't matter anyways.

The only thing that mattered in that moment was how the wind gently caressed her face, how the warmth in her chest filled her being with a comforting buzz, and how she slowly felt her outer extremities going numb.

It was at this time that the cumulative strain of the day caught up to her, and she suddenly felt more than a tad drowsy.

The sun sure was taking it's sweet time going down though. It crossed her mind that somepony really should get on that.
It wasn't her problem though, she decided.
Laying down on the floating, squishy, cotton bedding below, she closed her eyes and set herself in for a good nights rest.

As she gently began slipping into the clawed digits of the realm of dreams, a stray thought made itself known before she completely lost consciousness.

'as aftertastes go I'm surprised Water Hemlock and Locoweed don't taste as bad as I remember.'

Author's Note:

This has been sitting here for a while, so I thought I'd throw a couple of words on it and let you guys see it. Any feedback would be gratefully appreciated. It's a bit disjointed, I know, but I plan to flesh out some details in future chapters. (he said and disappeared for 37 years).

Also on a sidenote, do any of you guys perhaps have any assassination, cool gift ideas or plans that could take down an immortal demigod, make a princess very happy? I'm asking for a friend

Comments

[i_am_the_jam]

Good start, but I wonder why the Crown doesn't have somepony screening the incoming royal mail

[Charles Farrow]

9849539
I imagine they do have ponies screening the mail in general, but that mail like business inquiries, personal letters and political messages would go straight to Celestia or Luna after a rudimentary checkup. Make sure it's not a malicious hex or a packet of poison with a scan and then straight to the bosses.

Though I imagine mail of lesser priority would go through a further screening and filing according to it's priority, and then be sent to either somepony in a position to deal with it or one of the princesses.

Basically a system that filters out more mundane things like, rudimentary requests for the Crown, questions and other stuff like that for officials to handle if they can, or send to the princesses if they can't. And to keep more personal or political messages untempered with, so that no one's meddling in affairs that aren't their business.

I felt like that'd be a bit of a ramble to include. Hope it sated your curiosity though ^^.

[VampDash]

A good dose of sleeping powder and some ninja ponies who switched out with the guards should make a perfect gift that makes any princess happy.

I do warn that sometimes the ninjas don't dress in black when doing their job which can dampen the mood and depending on when the sleeping powder is sent it might be more of an itching powder. You know. Just in case.

[Vibrant lies]

...fixing the punctuation, grammar, and formatting will make this much better. But it still got a laugh

[Charles Farrow]

9849666
I'll work to improve it. I know that I'm particularly mediocre at commas and probably "." stop's too, if i'm being honest.

If you ever find any grammar particularly distasteful to your pallet, let me know and I'll fix it in a jiffy!

[Vibrant lies]

9849675
There weren’t too many of them, but I did notice a few sentences starting with a lowercase letter. Just put the chapter in google docs/Microsoft word and it’ll find most of the mistakes. Good luck!

[Charles Farrow]

9849601
Hmm, yes I suppose that would make for a pretty good gift basket!
The biggest challenge would probably be to fit all the ninjas in the basket, or finding a basket big enough to fit the ninjas I suppose.

I should probably also find a way to separate the sleeping powder from the ninjas, otherwise it'd probably be a pretty ineffective surprise attack party.

[Charles Farrow]

9849678
A most excellent Idea, I'll do that in the future!
Thank you very much, at this rate I'll improve faster than you can say :"he FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal bodeboop. A sing lap should be completed every time you hear this sound. ding Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark. Get ready!… Start. ding"

[VampDash]

9849682
Separate baskets that can fit them. Oh and at least one mare amongst them. They're always the most lethal hilarious for the party.

[Charles Farrow]

9849716
A most devilish splendid idea, I'll be sure to do that.
As for the mare, I hear Pinkamena Pinkie pie does some killer eliminations parties, perhaps I can employ her to "help" with the "fun".

[VampDash]

9849724
Though of course Celestia can't know that Pinkamena Pinkie is one of her assassins partiers.

[Yellow Gate]

I want to leavce a good comment

farto drunk atm, good story.

[Sigmacipher]

Honestly your best bet to kill Celestia is to take away their magic and knife them in the damn jugular.

[Tjtbomb]

Ways to kill Celestia:
-CAKE
-Gun
-IIIIIIIT’s a BOMB IN A BOX!🎼

[Tjtbomb]

No wait, A KILLING telegram

[Charles Farrow]

9849730
Not a problem. I hear that the Pink one is a master of disguise, surely nothing will be left standing in her wake when she's done can go wrong.

[Charles Farrow]

9849816
Thank you very much kind stranger, I'll cherish it always and forever.

[Charles Farrow]

9850065
That would be a most efficient method in comparison to what will most likely happen.

[VampDash]

9850343
And if the plan goes awry some kind of oopsie happens? I suppose Pinkie's gonna need better allies better party supplies.

[Deynarth]

Actually killing Celestia is too unpractical , gentlemen , since she is still an "immortal" goddess.
But , since the actual point of killing her is removing her from power , we don't even need to do that.
What I propose is that we send her a delicious , irresistible and ever replenishing cake that pop back to new any time any of it is eaten.
Let her gorge herself as much as she wants , wallowing in her gluttonous addiction to confectionary goods , killing her drive to rule and to do anything other than to eat that delicious cake , thus killing herself as a ruling Princess in a fit of karmic comeuppance.
Then , once she is unfit , figuratively and literally , we seize the throne from it's bloated , figuratively and literally , administration and put a properly fit rulership in it's stead .
Foolproof plan.

[ABadger]

Well the story is amazing so far, love the Dying Drunk Princess. I think the way you wrote it does come off as confusing for a little while, jaring would be the best word, but I have a feeling that it was intentional. Regardless I hope to read more from this story.

[Quinch]

9849675
The occasional its and it's confusion too.

Still a fun story, tho!

[Charles Farrow]

9851455
Ah yes the eternal it's and its dilemma, I know it well. I'll keep my eye on it.
Glad you found some fun in it!

[magicaros]

uhm intoxicated Celestia fun to read... and now after reading this i'm imagining Luna swearing in old Ponish as she as to lower the sun for her sister before raising her moon... LOL

[Vaguely Demented]

A crab with a knife. It worked against Solid Snake.