Floral Breeze was a young Earth pony filly who got herself lost in the Everfree Forest. Will she make it out, or has her fate already been set in stone?
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- Member Since 9th Aug, 2018
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Venomous Pie
This is Venomous Pie, also known as The Floof King. I am the owner of a floofy dimension that's meant to bring peace and comfort for anyone in need. I am also an alchemist and run my own potion shop.
Venomous Pie
Joined 9th Aug, 2018 ·
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Okay... I am just going to start reading and hope to see improvements.
Okay... still needs work, but in comparison to your earlier descriptions in writing, this is certainly better! Still, keep working. You have a long way to go as for improvements.
...once again, we don't need every detail. It kinda takes away from the actual thrill that such a chase would provide. I'd recommend writing in third person limited, at least for this kind of part. Or maybe try rewriting this in first person.
You don't say... (sarcasm). Like I said, not every specific detail needs to be given; maybe you should tell me how she feels as this is happening, rather than what she, and all of us, already know.
9245963
To be fair a chararcter we never seen before, being an OC, a detailed description is kinda needed in my opinion.
Four. It is four straight weeks. You are not a mathematician... at least not here. You are a writer. Act like it...
9245982
Fixed
Okay, all in all, I am glad to see some clear improvement in your writing, I would recommend rewriting the synopsis/description though. Still, while you are improving, you have a long way to go.
9245979
That's what I am saying, it is certainly an improvement. I'm also saying it still needs work.
9245987
I'm glad you liked it. I understand that I have a long way to go when it comes to writing, nobody's perfect. I'll keep the criticisms in mind. As for the synopsis, I tried to keep it vague while still telling what it's about
9245995
Perhaps... one thing about writing is that repeating words a lot at a high frequency gets annoying.
I am pretty sure you have been taught that before in some writing class or another, but saying "the forest" twice feels... redundant.
Because I am nice, I will give you a better description you can use. Use it, toss it, scrap it for parts, completely forget about it, I don't care but here it is. Do with it what you wish.
Okay, that description is definitely better! You are starting to get the hang of this.
*rereads the story*
Okay, glad to see all that improvement you have made in the rewrite. Now, I could go on nitpicking every little detail that I still find unsatisfactory, but that will only result in an infinite loop of me telling you things to do, you doing them, and the story actually looking worse off after the cringeworthy tailoring to whatever user says needs done.
That said, I would recommend we move on from this. Onto what, that's for you to decide. In any case, have a good day.