Songbird Serenade Thanos
Joined 12th Oct, 2018 ·
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Songbird Serenade Thanos · 1.3k words · 266 views
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Hello! I have left a thumbs up for positive reinforcement, but I should say that this story has a long way to go. The use of images, emojis, and emoticons in a story should be avoided, first and foremost. Not only is it jarring to the reader, but it also doesn't give anything useful in terms of dialogue or narrative, since the images aren't used to show communication in an EqG setting.
Additionally, the nature of this fic/project is unappealing to a reader. In the description, you already announce it is random and aimless. Slice of life and adventure stories can be like this, but it has to be executed properly. The prose lacks detail, favouring out of nowhere sentences like "Twilight did a thing and every pony smiled" or "Jean was not working the ponies more spherical! 🤔 the ponies becoming twilight sparkle were taught to watch southland tales by richard 2.7."
Beyond the nonsensical side of this randomness, there are a number of grammatical errors that, and I don't mean to say this in an insulting manner, makes it seem as if English isn't your first language. Confusion between when to use "was" and "had" is one example I found very early on. Now, if this is the case, there's nothing wrong with that, you are free to practice writing English, but be aware that your audience will have great difficulty understanding what you write, never mind enjoying it.
That is not to say you can't make it good or be a good writer. Improve upon your faults, produce something with a solid vision of where the story is going, or have a collection of short stories with thematic similarities and make sense.
Edit: I was reluctant to mention this because it's partly due to personal preference, but nevertheless it is still an issue: self-inserts don't make for good writing.
I agree with your comments regarding the use of emojis. I really don’t know why I did it. I guess it was to try to have a series of non-language symbols in order to demonstrate that the ponies are saying something that is beyond comprehension/language or something stupid like that. English technically isn’t my first language but it is my man n one so all my grammatical slip-ups are actually simply mistakes. The out-of-place nonsense is machine-generated and is meant to indicate a dream state. I wanted an ambiguous ending so I made the ending a word salad.
I don’t know what you mean by self-inserts, though. Are you talking about Tabasko Sweet? Because he’s an actual Internet personality (although, he’s somewhat obscure and does probably come across as somewhat self-insert-ish. He makes content about making cheap bootlegs of fashion items which is why he makes the Supreme shirt for the spherical Twilight). I never intentionally self-inserted. I kind of like big-lipped alligator moments, random events plots and stories where everyone is an unrepentant jerk who gets screwed over at every turn by equally unpleasant jerks but I recognise that most don’t.
To be honest, what I dislike most about this fanfic is the fact that the humour is kind of bad. I really don’t know what I was thinking most of the time. Yeah, looking back, this fic wasn’t super good. I kind of like but I appreciate the fact that I am probably in the minority. All of your criticism really rang true. I have remove the emojis, delineated the beginning and ends of the dream/word salad segments and removed the emojis. Thank you.
I plan to make a sequel fic where we find out what happens in the new universe created when Twilight becomes God. She becomes God at the end of the fic.
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What I mean by self-inserts is the fact that Jean-Luc exists in the story as a character.
In addition to trying to create a dream-like state, there are ways of writing that convey that effect, but with controlled and intentional manipulation of language, pacing, syntax, structure, and so on.
I'm partial to stream-of-consciousness, and rather than explain how to write in the style, I can instead direct you to a very short story I wrote a few years ago: Broken
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By Jean-Luc Godard, I meant the French New Wave director, not me. I named myself after the director because I wanted to include him in the story. We are two separate people.
I do agree. The whole machine generated thing was somewhat of an experiment that didn’t really work out. For example, there are sentences within it that actually make some grammmatical sense like “Tabasko t-posed into the toilet”. I’m thinking perhaps that I should have trimmed the unreadable stuff and just kept to the computer-generated imagery that made a degree of visual and grammatical sense. I agree that the stream of consciousness stuff was badly handled. I enjoyed your example story very much.
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I figured you name was taken from elsewhere, but in any case, having your profile name be the same as a character, even if they're not the same, is confusing and gets in the way of the story.
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I agree. I will change my name.