Epileptic-autistic eldest of four, artist, creative, and horse crazy girl who is obsessed with entertainment media and history among other things.
Before the changelings were turned good, Ocellus was next in line to be queen. She explains this to her friends one day during lunch. The rest of them just look at her in shock. They can't believe their friend was a changeling princess under Chrysalis. There's still so much about each other that they don't know. That's for sure.
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You know, I think that italiciczing the flashback scenes will make this better.
One thing confuses me though. If she's Thorax's adopted daughter, then who was that family that she was celebrating Changeling Hearth's Warming with in "The Hearth's Warming Club"?
9193728
My thoughts, it's still her family, she was adopted as a second royal, not as a daughter necessarily. Besides, this is meant to be a playful, head canon sort of story. Loosen up.
9193816
Jesus Christ you’re the one that needs to loosen up. Just immediately flipped out there.
9193993
Sorry. I didn't mean to get all shouty on the other guy. She just ticked me off a smidge. I mean, technically, aren't all changelings part of the same big unit. That's what I was trying to shoot for at least.
I was hoping someone else would stat something as to why ocellus turned into chrysalis.
This was good.
This was bad. It was really poorly written, like, I can't picture anyone talking that way. I get that you were dumping an idea, and that's fine, but I suggested that, if you want people to actually enjoy your weird ideas like this, you work on your framing and dialogue. As it stands, this was just a mess of Ocellus randomly going into a monologue and the others randomly nodding along. Also, that's not how Thorax talks, at all...
Anyway, not a bad concept, and you could probably go somewhere with it, but your writing needs significant improvement.
9333630
Dude. I respect that opinion, but everyone else seems to like it. Just wanna point that out. Look at the numbers above the story: mostly likes.
9333630
You need to be careful with how you frame your criticism. Technically, your criticisms are valid, but you phrased them in a very rude way. Don't call it bad. Instead, just explain how the dialogue is flawed and needs fixing. Also, writing this story off as a weird idea was very rude. Any idea can be good if executed properly. Don't write it off as weird and bad just because you didn't like it. Don't be a jerk.
9333892
9335208
Yeah, I'm usually better about framing things like that. I just couldn't think of any specific complaint other than that things were poorly done. Sorry if it's coming off as harsh, I just I think the writing could be significantly improved upon.
And, for the record, 32 likes isn't that impressive for a story with over 800 views. That means that, of the 800+ people who took the time to read this story, only 3.5% of them clicked the like button. That's not something you should be hiding behind.
Once again, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to tell you that your writing has room for improvement, I'm just having trouble figuring out exactly what to tell you to work on.
Hey, you can read it in Russian
https://ponyfiction.org/story/14887/