Here it is, Burning Star Saga Part 5: The Black Sun!
(Pause for all the dramatic gasps of surprise and loud sighs at the edgy as hell title.)
It was about time I tackled the Equestria Girls universe, and what better way to expand on Burning Star Saga's lore and well... Saga, then by doing this.
Burning Star finally has a chance to sit back and relax, he has a new free flowing fire mane, he has a wedding to go to, and everything is fine...
Except when it ISN'T... and a warlord bent on killing off Celestia and Luna waltzes into Equestria and kidnaps them, escaping to the mirror world!
Now Burning Star, Prince Eclipsio, and his allies must travel to the strange mirror world, and learn about how humanity is facing the threat of Black Sun...
Although Burning Star seems to already know pretty much everything on them...
Well, well, well...A strong start, a mysterious character, and genuine, un-corny evil that made me shudder. Just work on your run-on sentences.
For anyone wondering, Ironheart belongs to me. I allowed the author to use him here.
And for the author himself, I love your devotion to giving Ironheart a good cameo role, but most of these references are inside knowledge. Ironheart was great, but maybe don't act like they know each other next time. Also, again, work on your run-on sentences. I can't tell you how many times I've seen sentences have a comma where a period should be.
I liked the dynamic between Sunset and Burning Star here. The speech flowed naturally, and Burning Star brought up good points in his emotions. I feel that maybe not everyone had to speak their minds; contemplative silence from a few of them would work really well in replacement. Apart from that, you've improved as an author from when you first started out and you've fleshed out this red and black alicorn OC into something you're actually concerned about. Great job.
9162582
Thanks, oh and one more thing.
Prince Eclipsio is a real jerk isn't he? I wrote him this way because he has really hated emotions, they got in the way of his duties.
Mmm-mmm. Kissing a girl you until recently didn't know, who killed a bunch of bad guys a few hours ago, and is now making out with you, still soaked in the blood of her enemies.
Delicious! Not to mention kinky.
Burning Star's background gets more and more convoluted with every passing fanfic.
9165866
Well he doesn't completely remember what happened to him.
When he escaped his world he lost a great part of his memories, Brady.
About 10 years worth of them...
Hooookaaaaayyyyyy...the angel Moroni appeared in Sunset Shimmer's room after "saving" Eclipsio's life. Okay. That was a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.
Oh, and heroes do kill. Many men who have won the medal of honor have killed other men on the battlefield. People in contemporary pop culture have killed their main rival; Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars.
Even Noble Blade is going to have to kill his main rival.
9174423
He meant “heroes don’t kill without reason”
Lucina is confirmed for Smash. Also, blood romance is officially part of this fetish fic. It isn't a fetish fic, but it still has the fetish. Kinky!
Also, how many times does Burning Star has to take care of Chrysalis?
Also also, maybe Black Sun can recruit Ironheart, but Ironheart will betray and fight him later on, but he'll fail and Black Sun'll transfer his consciousness into Ironheart.
9177786
All you gotta know is that there is some naughty times between the two!
If you want an accurate description of Lucina, look Up the term “Yandere”...
But do it with a light on... every time I write Lucina’s Character I need to keep the lights on, even during the day.
She is THAT freaky.
Moroni seems to be the most interesting guy so far. We know a lot about him, but at the same time so little. Not to mention looking frickin' cool.
Eclipsio and Sunset were great in this. Although most of the dialogue seemed to be manufactured.
You've seen a lot of anime recently, haven't you? This is almost exactly how anime dialogue sounds like. But I do like their relationship and how they interact together. I can imagine a play where both of them are doing these actions flawlessly.
In the beginning, whole paragraphs are boldened and italicized beyond the character's dialogue. I'd recommend you fix that now, before more people see it.
Good battle, good introduction of Savior to Burning Star, and good job making him act weirded out by being exposed to Rarity's vajayjay.
9187313
I fixed it.
For a second I thought Savior was going to be the mechanical guy from Full Metal Alchemist. But then...holy craaaaap...you took another Ironheart from a Power Ponies alternate universe and you put him in angel armor! That's a bold move. We already have enough people from entirely different universes to make entire stand-alone novels about all of them. It can be really really really confusing.
9202568
Yes, but what about Eclipsio’s betrayal? I had been planning it for a while now...
Did you see that coming?
9202576
He had been acting a little off for the majority of the story...
9202577
And now... his true colors have been revealed...
Of course. Of course it's Flash! I was thinking it was another Ironheart.
9204257
Although he seems to regret his choices, doesn’t he?
9204268
Indeed..... Also
Eclipso: All according to plan.
*sound of hoofs are heard getting closer and with a song somehow being heard*
Eclipso and Flash Sentry : *turns toward the noise* WHAT'S going on?
*Eclipso is suddenly killed by the force that arrived*.
9204376
Hahahaha... No.
That won’t happen, it will take much more than THAT to stop him.
Remember, he is a near god.
9204537
I figured I was trying to be funny and get people mainly you to laugh (which kind of worked), though my OC on the other hand would possibly be able too, the Ignika would defeat him, as would Link with the Fierce Deity Mask.
9204628
I did laugh, and don’t worry... Eclipsio will get his just dues soon.
9204677
So what do you think of my OC?
Also here's fitting punishment. for him.
I hope THIS will be the mad prince's punishment.
What are your thoughts on the PM I sent you though?
Flash Sentry is a confirmed thot.
I knew it!
Also, bold of Ironheart to just give away that lethal weapon like that. He must trust Shining Armor a lot.
9209200
PM is great. I’m reading a few of the stories now.
Also, The Prince will be punished... PAINFULLY.
9209206
Yes... but What is up with him?
Some...thing is happening to our good cop.
But what? Look back for clues, Brady... Who speaks in all bold?
9209223
And afterwords he shall be fed to the sharkticons, let me know if you agree with reinforcement thing.
Finally the traitor is dead.... poor Flash.
9212487
Yeah... ‘bout that...
9212563
I tempted fate didn't I or were you talking about Flash?
9212574
Who knows?
9212583
You.
RIP Flash Sentry, RIP.
9217748
I wanted to make sure he was remembered in a more positive light.
Did you see that Twist coming, and also... does the music choice fit?
9217770
I didn't listen to the music (I listen to my Sonic Music playlist) and no I didn't.
Uh-oh.
9218358
Uh oh indeed... we both know who this is...
9218445
You do but I'm probably just guessing.
Always Sombra.
9220729
Yeah... next story has him.
9221164
He is like a Dalek (at least in this fanfic series): No matter how hard you get rid of them they keep coming back.