- Member Since 1st Aug, 2014
- offline last seen April 19th
Frostar Nightlove
Hi im Frostar, i´m from germany and happy to talk to you if you want.Better i say it right now: sorry for bad english.
Frostar Nightlove
Joined 1st Aug, 2014 ·
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Be careful not to use the Blueblood is extra evil for not reason cliche or the human OC automatically knows better than the royal guards despite having no military training cliche.
instead of the main bad ponies, you expect why not snooty society being a dick to the guy? like being snub from conversations or ponies saying they have things to do then talk little things and differences like pony activities that only ponies can do, worried parents, heck have the guard be wary of this person the gossip alone must hurt him and worry others to watch him plus the magic and monster-infested world has it own natural dangers.
Ok so, for a first story, it's fairly good. You however, need an editor/proofreader badly. There's a fair number of groupd as far as I know that you can check on that should be able to help you out. For now though, I'd suggest running this through a spellcheck and grammer check if you can.
(Please note that I have no intentions of being rude and that I want to offer constructive criticism)
"Alex fumbled with the sleeve of his hoodie before he spoke carefully. "I-i know Miss Fig, and i am terribly sorry, but my boss the fat fuck wont give me my pay for the last two months, making me basically bankrupt."
Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure its 100%
Illegal to withhold payment for that long
"With a sigh and a shake of his head he then made his way to his work, wich he hoped would take his mind of things. He worked at a place that stored foods and other goods that would not be digestible for very long if not stored correctly.He was alone most of his time there, packing things into shelves and the so called cold room"
I feel like the parts where you included Alex's job could be described in better detail
"Big sis, can ah go with the others and try to get our cutie marks in monster huntin'?"
"Why of course ya can, jus' make sure you stay out of trouble, and yes that means the everfree forest too."
First off why the fuck would applejack even consider saying yes to that question and then afterwards telling apple bloom to not go near literally the only place in ponyville you could find monsters?
"Spike nodded and retorted in a somewhat pleading but also sarcastic way. "Well, why do you let me carry thjem around all day then if they are that important, and why do i have to carry them all?" Twilight giggled at that, one giggle that made Alex feel very uncomfortable. "Well thats because you are my number one assistant after all right? And why we brought them, you have no need to know, it's not like a dragon, let alone a small baby dragon would understand that right? Now stand back up before i drag you home to show you what happens to dragons who don't behave accordingly!"
I understand one of the mechanics of your story if not the defining one is racial inequality but that's a little bit excessive
Aside from some other spelling and grammatical issues it's not bad
At some point it would be a good idea to get an editor
Also one more thing
"Alex...you surely are not in Cansas anymore...."
I think you can figure out the problem with that
9097108
I mean, I had a boss who didn't pay me for nearly 8 months. If I (or Alex for that matter) had gone to the proper city department, then the boss would be FORCED to pay and would also likely be investigated and possibly have the business fined or closed. That is, of course, assuming that Alex lives in the USA.
As for my pay, Boss eventually paid me up to full, and then I quit. Screw working for 8 months without even a "Good Job today" let alone any pay...
Also, Author is from Germany, so probably doesn't know the spelling is Kansas. Props for getting only one letter off though.
9097108
Thanks for the constructive criticism first off all things. So to your first point, yes legally he is not in the good grades anymore, but same it was with me over here for a longer while, i had no money since my boss was not paying me, so my landlord gave me some long time to repay him. Maybe that's just a germany thing though, i don't know.
I did not go deeper into his job cause i feared it would slow the story down too much and be a tad bit boring, sorry.
For the heavy handed stuff with Twilight and Spike, i know it seems a bit much but i will try to keep it balanced and somewhat realistic.
Now for the Applebloom and Applejack stuff.....yeah that is not my best, but i actually have a plan for it.
And last but not least, yes i need a editor and proofreader bad and yes....i did not know it was written as Kansas. What can i say i am a german potato after all.
Still thank you for your criticism and have a nice day!
indenture servitude might be better but ouch.
9098439
Sorry i am replying so late, just woke up, time differences and all that funny stuff but in any case thank you for your tips, believe it or not i really did not know how one writes those words....me is ashamed.
Still i am happy you enjoy my story and well i will keep at it, and will try to throw in a few twists in here or there.
9098439
Interesting is one way to put it. Makes me wonder how the Elements of Harmony even work then.
9098781
That indeed is a good point, however i thought that the elements would still be working if the main 6 were loosely representing what they stand for. I mean for that is as long as they stay true to those principles towards other ponies that should be alright, since they rarely see other races except for spike. I know it is not the best explanation but i will try to explain it in story as well a bit more in depth, though it may take a while to get there.
9097161
Keep up the good work I believe that in time you can create a pretty strong novel
I never judge a book by its cover, only by its title!
9099187
And what judgement did you come to when reading this books title?
If you need an editor, I can help.
9099373
That would be lovely in fact hehe.
i wont be surprised if silver is a rapist
well I'm off to go gather an army to either Kill Celestia or hold her accountable for her crimes!
All I have to do is mobilize the droid army!
while I am enjoying this story its also doing a good job at pissing me off! I hoping that this story continues and some sort of justice prevails!
9108215
Don't worry, justice will be served but there will be more bad things happening and maybe the occasional plot twist.
9107220
security will be tight though!
please have one of the princesses give him permission to kill the guy
9114260
Well considering Twilight told Alex to be kind of a inside agent....chances are good.
"I've thought of a wonderful present for you. Shall I give you despair?" he says while holding a sharp object to his balls after he has his eye slashed out and horn broken off
death is coming for you, you corrupt bastard, except hes not bringing a Scythe hes bringing a glock 19!
i swear if he is a rapist he will die a slow and painful death
Alex its time to hero up and kick the gaurd's ass!
this chapter confused me he went from merciful to sadistic in a few words berry punch seemed a little out of character for me too.
However for this chapter if I had to rate it id give it a 7/10!
9125906
Yeah,it was not my best. Gotta learn how to tone it right, but i will get better i promise.
9125920
might wanna get and editor or at least someone that has read your story and can give you a guiding hand to grab onto!
Please hurry with the next chapter, i want to see how the princesses take the news that Silver was a abusive husband and father, corrupt/ dirty guard, and a rapist who got away with everything
Also, didn't Applejack say the princesses were good, and didn't Twilight give him permission and assistance in killing Silver who tried to kill him first? I don't see what the problem is, I would rather have a dead guard who should have been locked for life or executed in place of a wife and child being beaten repeatedly and at least one of them raped often (have Pinch tell the princesses Silver forced her into sexual acts so we can add pedophile to the list).
9108131
Time to mobilize the invasion forces for Canterlot:
9145297
I will try to hurry as much as i can. And yes to the ponies (most of them) the princesses seem good and kindhearted, to the ponies. And yes, the princesses will be quite shocked, but maybe not all of them.
Your progress the story far to quickly, the pace is over rolling character development as well as the logic behind their behavior and acting.
For example, why does that one guard, after being suspicious of his 'friends' motives, not follow him when he left the place in an outburst to get his daughter?
He was already suspecting him of taking a child hostage in order to blackmail the mother, why not follow him in case he does something stupid? Especially after that kind of outburst... even though he already threatened Silver Mane.
Guard Guy: "Dude, not cool man! I won't do that for you! This is a crime! You're falling back to your old ways, so if you do I will take you down instead!"
Silver: "Okay fine! Then I'll do it myself! I'll get my daughter! *storms out super suspiciously angry*
Guard Guy: "... Okay!"
... Feels surreal to me.
Same goes for Twilight, who had been so distrusting and suspicious of the human him before, suddenly giving the "creature" or the "thing" permission to kill?
There is not enough info here.
9145306
No. Don't hurry. That's the trap.
I know some of us want the next chapter, wanting to know what has happened. But rushing through the content is the fastest way to make it less than what it can be. Take the time to flush out all the details you want, proofread, and then submit.
Or do what you want since this is your first story, and all writers just get better as they write and collect advice. Either way works.
Celestia is an even bigger bitch than I realized... I hope it's some dark magic or something that's got her in this way!
"Celestia, has anyone ever told you you're a bitch? Enemies everywhere is your fault, you would let a corrupt guard responsible for beating his family and raping his wife, possibly his daughter, attempted kidnapping, and attempted murder go free and punish the hero? By all means explain that logic to me, add more fuel to your funeral fire."
Hi Nightmare
9155699
I hope not, because its more interesting this way.
great story so far i hope to see more soon
Hah, seems like Rarity found something in Alex she doesn't find disgusting at all XD
But wow, with every chapter the ugliness of equestrian society grows.
9170822
But it has been done alot though where Celestia is a bitch/xenophobic/she's evil/opposite of what she usually acts.
…...hmm heres a thought. what if the hostage is the REAL celestia and the current one is an imposter
great chapter hope to see more soon
All of it is bold for me.
The Prisoner might be Starlight Glimmer, think about it ‘Equality’.
great chapter i hope to see more soon
Let me guess celestia gonna get killed one day because she is killing good people
I have to agree it went from 0 to 100 in an instant. And twilight changed way to fast to.