Chapter 1: Gaze Not Upon This Evil Tome
Disclaimer: I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any of the characters, nor do I own Team Fortress 2 or any of it's characters.
The light lavender unicorn twisted in agony as the clock on her bedroom wall echoed throughout the empty library that midnight had fallen over Ponyville and the rest of Equestria. For days now, Twilight Sparkle had been terrorized by nightmares of all shapes and sizes, but they all included some key elements; a book, an eye, a knight, a slender walking mirror, and LOTS of explosions.
She tossed and turned, the visions becoming more vivid and more disturbing.
"H-Hello? Is anypony there? Hello…?" Twilight shook uncontrollably as she cautiously cantered through the murky darkness that threatened to envelop her entire being, her hooves made nary a sound as she made her way further and further into unknown territory.
She could feel the sweat dripping down from her multi-colored mane all across her lavender coat and multi-star Cutie Mark that decorated her flank. Her mane and tail were frazzled, the hair that comprised the lone pink and purple streaks in both her mane and tail merged ungracefully with it's darker counterparts.
As Celestia's most faithful student continued her trek into the crushing blackness, a voice rang out.
"HEY, HEY YOU, PONY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY OUT HERE ALL BY YOURSELF?" The voice echoed loudly all about the frightened unicorn, making its point of origin and speaker undetectable.
"GAAAAH! Wh-Who's there!? Who are you?" screamed Twilight as her tail shot straight into the air and her fur stood on end.
"GEEZ, CALM DOWN. I ONLY WANTED TO- HOLY HELL! WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FOREHEAD!?"
"Huh? You mean, my horn?" stammered Twilight as she felt her horn to make sure there wasn't something wrong with it.
"IS THAT ACTUALLY A HORN OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?" The mysterious voice chuckled loudly from its undisclosed location. Twilight's cheeks went red as she folded her ears back against her head and pouted.
"What do you want from me? Why have you imprisoned me here!?" Twilight demanded, stamping her hoof.
"IMPRISONED YOU? WHY, YOU BROUGHT ME HERE. BECAUSE YOUR THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE GOT THE BETTER OF YOU. YOU WOULDN'T BE THE FIST PERSON- ER, PONY, TO WANT TO KNOW MY SECRETS."
While Twilight Sparkle had been known far and wide for her impressive analytical mind, her obsessive-compulsive desire for knowledge often hindered her ability to observe all the facts of her current situation.
'How did I even get here?' thought Twilight as she scanned the seemingly endless void for a landmark. 'I put Spike to bed, finished re-reading the first six volumes of Daring Do, had some tea, and went to bed…that's it! I must still be dreaming! Which means…'
Twilight put on an innocent face and attempted to play coy. "What KIND of secrets? I know a lot about a lot, so I doubt your secret is even worth knowing."
"HMM, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYONE'S EVER REJECTED MY OFFER. I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN KNOWLEDGE…"
"W-Well, maybe I do. Can't you tell me just a little bit?" said the bookworm as she batted her eyelashes the way Rarity had once showed her in her lessons on flirting.
"SORRY, BOMB CRAFTING TAKES COMPLETE DEDICATION, AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO- OH, DAMN…"
"'Bomb crafting'? THAT'S your big secret? Basic applied chemistry? Pfft, and I thought that it was going to be something exciting." Twilight smiled as she triumphantly trotted off in the opposing direction she had been wandering.
"OH, OKAY, THAT'S FINE. I GUESS THAT 'TRIXIE' PONY WILL BE RECEIVING MY WISDOM OF HIGHER EXPLOSIV-"
"TRIXIE!? That showboat is NOT going to learn about crazy explosives! Tell me what you know, where are you!?" Twilight's voice suddenly echoed louder than the mysterious voice she had been arguing with.
"CHECK THE BARGAIN BIN YOU HALF-BRAINED PACK MULE!"
With that final insult, the ground beneath Twilight gave way as she fell back into conscience.
+++++
"GAAAAH!" Twilight shot up in her bed, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. That was too real to be just a dream. She checked her surroundings; everything seemed to be order, right down to her checklist of morning routines for Spike…that was almost complete.
Twilight opened her curtains and was meet with the hash glare of Celestia's noonday sun. She had overslept. Before she had time to completely lose her marbles, a clatter came from downstairs followed by grunting and muttering. Not wanting waste anymore precious time, the frantic mare warped herself down into the kitchen with a burst of purple magic originating from her horn.
"WHOA! Twilight, don't do that! You almost made me drop everything, again!" said the frustrated baby dragon as he precariously balanced a trio of eggs along his spiky purple tail.
Spike had served Twilight for years, and yet the routine-obsessed scholar never ceased to find new ways to surprise him when he least expected (or needed) to be.
"Well, DUH! It wouldn't be a surprise if you knew it was coming, silly!"
The sudden announcement again caused Spike to throw his claws up in fright, launching the eggs for the second time that day. Twilight, now a bit more collected, caught the would-be eliminated eggs mid drop with her expert magical skill and carried them safely over to the counter.
"Pinkie, I don't have time for this right now," groaned Twilight as she lifted one of the eggs and cracked it open to reveal a pink cotton candy tail from within the off-white shell.
"Hmm, you're RIGHT! You really don't! I mean, just look at the time!" The pink party pony's voice did not reverberate from the freshly cracked egg, but instead from Pinkie Pie herself as she appeared inside the clock hanging on the wall.
Rather than question exactly how Pinkie had managed to break the laws of physics this early in the morning, Twilight opted to simply yank on the poofy pink tail with her magic and pulled the rest of her eccentric friend through the impossibly small shell.
Actually, she should probably check to see what time it really wa-
"ONE-THIRTY!? I've been asleep for sixteen hours!? But…but how? I set my alarm and EVERYTHING! Spike, why didn't you wake me up?"
Spike suddenly found himself face to face with his manic boss, the crazed look in her massive, violet, panic-ridden eyes seemingly bored into his very being.
"I-I-I don't understand Twilight! You woke up this morning just like always!"
"W-What?"
"Yeah; you came downstairs, totally blew off the breakfast I made, grabbed something near the front door and headed out," said Spike as he eyed the increasingly confused mare with a growing sense of concern.
Twilight's brain is an interesting creature: a brilliant one with a tendency for routine, calculations and creating schedules and checklists to keep itself occupied and organized.
Its major flaw lies in it's inability to handle changes outside the norm, and will occasionally shut down in order to better assess the anomaly from a safe distance; like when its informed that it has already done something that couldn't have physically happened (i.e. being in two places at once).
Twilight struggled to maintain control. "Okay, so let's just PRETEND that I did what you said I did, then what exactly did I take with me before I left?"
"A book, I think. I didn't see it very well but you did had to dig for a moment before you found it. I think it was in the-"
"Bargain bin…" mouthed Twilight, the words barely escaping her lips as she released Spike.
She walked slowly over to the front of the library to a large red tub that sat in front of the wooden stallion statue, a parchment roll above it read; "Bargain Bin: All Books 3 Bits!"
While Twilight hated the thought of getting rid of any book, the library was only so big and some of the books had fallen into disrepair from either rough handling or old age. Spike was actually the one that had come up with the idea of a bargain bin for said books that some of the local ponies might want.
Twilight, again, had been against it from the beginning, but once she saw the look on the CMC's faces when they saw that copy of "A Brief History Of Cutie Marks" and each eagerly tossed a golden bit to the scaly book sales dragon did she see that the books would be better off with those who could actually use them.
A few months ago, after the events of her brother, Shining Armor, and Princess Cadence's wedding did she receive a type of book (one that Pinkie Pie herself had acquired from a local filly after a massive scavenger hunt) that Twilight had never come across in all of her life; one made of skin.
The apparently ancient tome was called "The Bombinomicon", and one of its many unique features was that its cover was that of an evil face glaring back at the reader with two piercing red eyes and an unlit bomb encased within a row of fangs.
While both Twilight and Spike had both been tempted to crack open The Bombinomicon, the amount of growling and snarling had been enough to defer any notion they might have had.
They had instead sent it off to the Princesses for further examination (by regular post as opposed to dragon fire just to be safe), and after a few weeks, it came back with a note stating that the book was in itself harmless but should not be tampered with.
So; what exactly did Celestia's most faithful and intelligent student do with this ancient evil? She shelved it. Right next to "Bold & Daring Equations".
"SPIKE! Why was 'The Bombinomicon' in the Bargain Bin!?" demanded Twilight as she stomped her hoof and teleported her frazzled assistant to her side.
"It must've gotten misplaced after I kinda…went on that rampage, heh."
Twilight pressed her hoof to her forehead in a vain attempt to suppress the impending migraine swelling at the base of her horn from sheer stupidity at her failure to properly contain such a powerful artifact…or cookbook, or whatever the hay it was.
"Okay! Spike, Pinkie! Get ready, we have to find…me, before I misuse whatever power that book might hold!" announced Twilight as she trotted out the front of the library with Spike clinging desperately to her tail.
"Yeah!" shouted Pinkie as she bounced along beside her friends, "and then we can have a 'We-Found-The-Super-Duper-Old-Thingy-Whatsit' party! Hmm, I wonder, what kind of ice cream would be best for that kind of party?"
"I'm more concerned about what kind of creature could have possibly created such a terrible thing," pondered Twilight as she, Pinkie, and Spike, headed for the center of Ponyville.
+++++
"WHAT TRICKERY BE THIS!? MERASMUS THE MAGICIAN SAW THAT KING OF HEARTS IN YOUR HAND WHEN YOU DREW IT!"
"HAHA! False information! That king was a actually a queen in disguise! Go fish, you sorry excuse for a sorcerer!"
"God…why dit Ah come here? Ah could gotten drunk just as well at me own home…" grumbled a semi-sober Tarvish DeGroot as he loosely held onto his playing cards while maintaining an iron grip on his treasured alcohol. "Although, Ah suppose it beats me mum badgerin' me aboot work all day," he said, lifting his bottle for another swig of whatever paint thinner substitute was currently tickling his fancy/liver.
For the past week and a half, the gentlemen at Reliable Excavation Demolition (or "RED" as they preferred to be called) had been on standby near the dusty little speck of a settlement called Teufort, acting off a tip they had received that the Builders League United (BLU) was setting up shop in town…again.
Fortunately, the Soldier (A.K.A. Mr. Jane Doe) still had the keys to his old house that his roommate, Merasmus the Magician, had been every since they had fought that one faithful Halloween. Being in a fairly secluded neighborhood, not many people would be around to object to a gang of mercenaries moving in (and those who did would be easy enough to track down thanks to the radioactive water making the locals light up like Smissmass Trees).
But this meant that RED Team was forced to uproot their base of operations and head back from Hydro towards the OTHER end of the desert by Teufort, and with Mr. Mundy (the team's designated marksman and tracker) the only one with a van, moving an entire mercenary base was no easy task.
They did manage to perform that dreaded feat with only one trip, two thousand yards of rope, eighty rolls of duct tape, three hundred and forty-three bungie cords, five paperclips, a safety pin, and nine combo meals from the local Tank Burger.
However, this was over a week ago, and easily the most exciting thing to happen within that timespan other than a quick round of Doomsday. There was the time when they got Spy REALLY drunk and had him do impersonations, but then he started shouting various codes and secrets which lead to an impromptu brainwashing session of a passerby and her two dogs (they did find out that mixing BONK! Atomic Punch with Jarate and Übering it with the Kritzkrieg for twenty seconds makes the world's most powerful mind-wiper).
Since then, Spy had only appeared when he was too groggy in the morning to cloak himself on the way to the bathroom or when he was chewing out Pyro for keeping him up with the inane tune he hummed when he polished his Something Special For Someone Special, which was a lot.
"When is tiny baby team coming? Sasha is getting bored from waiting," grunted Heavy as he cradled his immense mini-gun on his lap for her seventy-ninth tune up that evening.
"Yea; there's no TV, nothing ta' do in town, crap food, and no one ta' play baseball with! This place sucks…" said Scout as he readjusted his headset over his grey baseball cap.
"Weren't there some kids playing just down the street?" asked Dell (or "Engineer" as his paycheck so stated), not even looking up from his blueprints for his patented Teleporter that he had been studying for the past hour.
"Who, those little punks? No way, they cried when they lost 'n didn't even fork over the wager! And I think one of 'em might have been Spy…speakin' of which; has frenchy gotten done moping yet? I'd kinda like ta' be able to go upstairs and not have ta' worry about gettin' shanked."
Now it was the Medic's turn to interject. The tall german doctor sighed as he finished wiping his spectacles on his waistcoat. "It seems as if zough our friend izn't taking ze move as well as ze rest of us," he said in a very somber tone, prompting the rest of the team to lean in closer to hear what the good doctor had to say.
"Yes, I'm afraid zat being all ze way out here could be hazardous to his health. His heart might not survive-" the room went dead silent as the other mercenaries huddled closer to the german, "-being away from Scout's mother!"
The room erupted into fits of laughter as Scout's face went red with rage at the thought of that no-good fiend uncloaking his dagger to backstab his mom. Even Pyro and Sniper, who had been sitting just outside the window enjoying a good smoke (one from a pipe and the other from a torched grain silo a few houses over) joined in on the laughter at Scout's expense.
"You guys all suck! I'm gonna go up dere, and I'm gonna feed dat bastard his crooked teeth!"
The enraged sports fan reached into a nearby umbrella rack and withdrew a wooden baseball bat that said "Sandman" on the side along with a pristine white baseball. Ignoring the warnings he received in-between laughs from his so-called "friends", Scout stormed up stairs and pounding on the wooden door that had "KEEP OUT" written in various languages on it.
"Spy! Spy get out here! You 'n me are gonna talk! SPY!"
No response.
"Hey, french fry!" Scout was practically screaming while replacing his bandaged-up hand with the Sandman as his primary method of knocking. "OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! You scuzzy little-"
The door creaked opened slowly, light streamed from the cracks that had been recently added to the door via violent knocking. After having worked with Spy for so many years, Scout knew better than to let his guard down in what anyone else would assume was an "empty room".
This room was far from empty. Being a world traveler, Spy had collected many mementoes from the various places he had been, whether that be stamps or something he had liberated from an enemy organization in said location. A rack off in the left corner of the room was sporting a wide variety of Revolvers and early Sapper models, and a closet that held multiple copies of the same trademark red suit and matching balaclavas.
Towards the front of the room were two impressive briefcases made out of polished mahogany lying on a cluttered table. As Scout got closer, he saw that one case contained the many different Watches Spy had used, while the other cradled the deadly Knives that had been the swift end to many unsuspecting BLUs. Both cases had "Vintage/Genuine/Strange" engraved on the front under the golden locks.
He noticed something missing; the slots for the classic Knife and Cloak and Dagger were empty. As he looked around for any shimmers, he saw that that the Ambassador was also vacant from it's home on the weapons rack.
"Hey, guys? Are you all SURE Spy was up here…?" Scout called down nervously.
The laughter downstairs quickly subsided, giving way to the noises of an entire team of mercenaries scrambling to get up one staircase. As they filed in one by one, each member took it upon themselves to investigate each nook and cranny for their beloved teammate…and to temporally escape the crushing boredom that was slowing driving some more insane than others.
The Engineer was the first to check Spy's room as Scout decided it would be best to retreat to the safety of his room in case Spy really was around to witness him breaking his door down.
As he sifted throughout the mounds of papers that littered the large desk, Dell began to see familiarities in the pages; they all had something to do with Australium, a very rare substance that was only mined in Australia that had granted the Australians immense knowledge, power, and wealth.
"Australium? Now why in the hell would Spy be pokin' his pointy noise inta' somthin' like that?" Dell said aloud as he scratched his chin.
+++++
"See anything yet?" yelled Twilight.
"Hmm…nothing yet! Oh! But I do see the Cakes! HIYA!" Pinkie Pie shouted as she clung onto the topmost point of Town Hall in search of the imposture Twilight.
Twilight, the real one that is, sighed as she continued to searched the crowded market place with Spike bobbing up and down on her back as she trotted.
"Aw, don't worry, Twilight. We'll get it back. Besides, if the Princesses couldn't make heads or tails of that thing, then what could some impostor do?" said Spike as he stood to get a slightly better view of his surroundings.
"It's not that, Spike. I'm more concerned about, well, ME. Copy-cat spells are very difficult to perform and usually don't turn out very well. This pony was able to fool you completely and make off with stolen property!"
"She didn't completely fool me!" Spike retorted, "I was busy making breakfast and wasn't really in a talkative mood after, well, you blew me off."
"Well, whatever the case, we need to find out who took 'The Bombinomicon' and why! Pinkie! Anything to report?"
Pinkie continued to peer out across the flood of ponies moving between venders and the air traffic of pegasi as they flew through the warm summer's air before responding.
"Nope…*GASP!* Wait a minute! I think I see you over there! Near Applejack and Big Mac!"
Twilight galloped in the direction Pinkie had indicated, launching Spike off her back as he clung for dear life on her violet tail.
"Hang on, Spike! We're gonna catch us a thief!"
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I came so hard when I saw this
989127
seconded
^
You two are freaks, you know that?
Git that spah!!!
989127 Slightly disturbing... but yes, it is that good.
989306
*facehoof*
I'm fleeing this thread now...
989321
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4772-8c1.gif
Soooooo...who's gonna replace Scouts mom?
Yay!
[img] http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/307ed7552e99c250955f4c24a3bfbc13/32701%20-%20%5E%5E_%5E%5E%20artist%3Aphysicallypossible%20caption%20fluttershy%20happy%20yesh_this_pleases_meh%20you_shall_be_spared.jpg [/img]
sweet Celestia give me more.
So far so good. When are Demo and Spy getting into Equestria?
989362
That is an awesome gif.
989127 Well...good to know that that my story is doing okay!
989804
i1265.photobucket.com/albums/jj516/wolfmanjoe4/WbBgf.gif
Ahhh, here it is!
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-i-know-youre-excited-but-calm-down.gif
989856
Is punching a monitor even possible?
Yes, yes all is going as according to plan. It is good to see you once more on the literary field of battle sir. If this will be even half as good as LPP, it shall be worth every second read.
989865
[youtube=P3ALwKeSEYs]
989925
Wow. People either have some hard fists or monitors are relatively fragile.
989936 Well, if it was a hoof it would be easier I'd think
Oh dear sweet Vintage hats, a SEQUEL!!!
My body is ready.
BLOODY BRILLIANT!
Sweet Jesus, yes!
OH CELESTIA YES. ALL OF MY F*CKS. TAKE THEM!
995486 I'll add them to my 'stache
I'm sure you were super skeptical making this follow up and all...
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5tvkeXZeF1qgwqw9o1_500.gif
And dammit man, you doing it right.
995565
That GIF summarizes my life.
995565 Thanks, and that GIF rules.
That egghead's a spy!
Right, now that that's taken care of, I'm curious to see the connection between the Book of Explosive Names and Australium. And how Mr. deGroot is going to get to the ponyverse. And how the Spy already got there, for that matter. And how Lyra will react, if she's even involved.
In short, looking forward to more.
Me when I saw this:
"is that a... oh my god A SEQUEL!
can't wait to see what epic and hilarious adventures shall unfold!
Woohoo! Something to read while procrastinating!
You better do all the classes.
Can't wait for a soldier in equestria.
I just love that word.
Bombinomicon >
998954
"CUT THAT HAIR, SOLDIER!
WHAT ARE YOU, A MAN, OR A MOUSE?"
"But I'm a pony..."
Fuck yeah
'I put Spike to bed, finished re-reading the fist six volumes of Daring....'
Am I reading that right? Or is it meant to be "first"?
Love the story, big fan of your other one. If you have a pre-reaader, you should tear him a new one for that, as that is literally right in the beginning..
999392
*Punches self in head* There...he has been punished...thanks for the heads up.
HOLY JEBUS Darrtaa I personally love your tf2 stories. i give it 10/10
Dont dissapoint me soldier!
999905 Sir, yes sir!
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7m7nqzvOU1r4f8koo1_1280.jpg
You deserve to get featured waaaay more than me.
1000099 Well, hey now; my other story got featured twice. If this dosen't it'll be fine.
You however got yours featured! You should be happy! It's just all about what kinds of stories ponies want to read.
OH, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO GLUE THIS DERAILED THREAD BACK TOGETHER!
IN HELL!
1000210 You just got awesome points for that. Here, have some 'staches.
1000256 Thanks, I'll put 'em in a SOUPCAN!
1000276
i.neoseeker.com/mgv/574321-Liege/321/46/mlfw2604luna_saw_what_you_did_there_display.jpg
1000296 I like Luna. Very much. VERY much.
AWESOME!!
Oh my goodness! Twilight Sparkle is my favorite pony. Demoman is my favorite class. And Lovecraft is my favorite writer! I love this and I haven't even read it yet!
1000931 Yeah! Me too! Except instead of Twilight I like Rarity, and I have WAY more hours logged as Pyro...WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS ANYWAY!
She could feel the sweat dripping down from her multi-colored mane all across her mulberry coat and multi-star Cutie Mark that decorated her flank. Her mane and tail were frazzled, the hair that comprised the lone pink and purple streaks in both her mane and tail merged ungracefully with it's darker counterparts.
Mulberries are red. Twilight's coat is lavender.
(and those who did would be easy enough to track down thanks to the radioactive water making the locals light up like Smissmass Trees).
In the TF2niverse, they still celebrate Christmas. On the blog, they said 'rhymes with Smissmas' to mock politically correct people who don't want to offend people. So it must be changed to Christmas.
They did manage to perform that dreaded feat with only one trip, two thousand yards of rope, eighty rolls of duct tape, three hundred and forty-three bungie cords, five paperclips, a safety pin, and nine combo meals from the local Tank Burger.
This is by far the funniest thing I have ever read. And I know you intend for us to imagine the REDs cramped into Sniper's camper arguing while an unusual Ludicrous Swaying Mountain of Stuff(Best hat ever, by the way) is perched on the top of said camper, but I imagine the stuff being carried in a whole bunch of kiddy wagons forming a train several miles in length.