• Published 19th May 2018
  • 700 Views, 16 Comments

The Lost Con - A Flim-Flam Story - Scaramouche



Flim and Flam attempt to make business in Canterlot after their first escapade in Ponyville, but it does not go to plan...

  • ...
1
 16
 700

The Lost Con

===A Lost Con===

Canterlot… the town where every country pony wants to make it.

The streets flutter and bustle with the busy ponies of the rich and fabulous. Princess Celestia has made this place the hot spot for anypony that craves attention, desires fortune and needs everything. Of course, it was the obvious place for my brother and I to come looking for an honest bit or two.

I catch a glance of a billboard some pony has set up to advertise their comedy show. The message said, ‘You cannot cheat an honest pony.’ It might have just been a show, but it was very true!

I’m Flim of the Flim-Flam Brothers. Flim for short. I’m a southern colt, close personal friends with Fancy Pants, and Photo Finish and I have the same mane-dresser! My brother Flam is a fine fellow too, but we both know I’m the brains of the outfit.

This town is in need of a saviour and it doesn’t even know it yet! However, do not fear, the Flim-Flam brothers are here and they know exactly what these ponies need! All they need is a strong pitch from the kings of the salespony round table. Those kings are us.

Behind us sits the greatest locomotive, automotive cider juicer that Equestria has ever seen. The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000! Usually ponies flock around us the moment they see her, but we can’t expect the hardworking ponies of Canterlot to do that without grabbing their attention, now can we?

“Well, look here Flam! Would you believe it’s the same in every town?” I begin my pitch the usual way; tease the audience to want what we’re selling before they even know what it is! “Parched lips, empty tummies, can you see any face without a frown? Surely, these folk need a good mug of—"

“Excuse me!” The abrupt interruption throws me off my spiel. A mare, wearing the finest dress and jewellery bits could buy, stands in front of me and my brother to get our attention.

“Good morning, madam!” I try to repair my patter hastily. “Can I interest you in a—” She waves a hoof quickly in my face, shutting me down completely.

“What are you selling, young man?” Having never been questioned so abruptly, I try to regain some of the old ‘Flim-Flam’ cool.

“Why, I’m selling the most delectable, delicious, scrum-diddily-umptious cider that Eques—”

“Cider!” The mare snorts and shakes her head as though some pony had stuck a lemon in her mouth. “Oh, no, no, no, no, no! We Canterlotians do not drink cider!” My heart sinks as fast as my jaw.

“But, but-but-but….”

“Listen here, everypony!” she calls to gather the opulent steeds and mares around us. “These sales-stallions are trying to sell us cider.” There is a brief moment of silence. My brother misreads the crowd’s reaction.

“That’s right folks, the best cider money can buy, the best cider you’ll ever taste, who wants a glass?”

~^-^-^-^-^~

“Who wants a glass?” I ask my brother in disbelief moments later. “Who wants a glass?! That’s what he asks!” We’ve temporarily managed to hide the 6000 in an alleyway away from the crowd who are still crowing with laughter far away. The embarrassment has forced us to flee swiftly from the well-to-do ponies with our tails firmly between our legs.

“Well don’t blame me, Flim! You didn’t do your research!” He prods me sharply in the chest. “You were meant to find out what these ponies want! I think, ‘Canterlot ponies do NOT like cider,’ is a very important piece of information that you missed out, don’t you, brother?”

I grunt irritably but I can’t help realizing Flam has a point. These ponies are the richest we’ve ever tried to pitch to, but we’re never going to be able to sell them something they don’t like to begin with. My brother and I are good, but we’re not that good!

“You’re right, brother of mine.’ I admit, grudgingly. ‘What we need is a hook, a steal, an—”

“—item these ponies actually want?” Flam finishes, cocking his eyebrow.

“Exactly, but what?” There’s a pause. We peep out of the alley to see what these ponies are hungering for…

“Coffee?” Flam suggests, his hoof waving to the unicorns sat outside a fancy café.

“No, no, no, dear brother,” I hiss, “There’s far too many Sunbuck’s out there for us to be any competition.”

“Chocolate?” he offers again. This is a bit closer to the market we are aiming at, but there is one minor flaw, which I point out to him.

“We’ve never made chocolate, and I don’t think we can work out how to get the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy to make chocolate either. Or coffee for that matter.”

“Well, of course we can’t!” he complains. “She was only built to make cider.” He looks out into the street and tries once to offer a reasonable suggestion.

“Wine?”

I stop. Wine. Of course, my brilliant brother has hit the nail on the head once again, I’m so excited I could kiss him. Oh, to heck with it, I do!

“You’re a genius, brother of mine! That’s what they need! That’s what we’ll sell.”

“We still have the problem of the Super Speedy 6000, brother of mine,” Flam points out. “She’s a cider maker, not a wine maker.”

“Oh, I think with a bit of tweaking she can be given an upgrade. What do you say, Flam?” I grin at him and give him a wink. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

~^-^-^-^-^~

A few tricks and a bit of sneaking later, and we’re in the master vaults of Canterlot Castle. Don’t ask how we got here, a con pony never reveals his secrets. I think it was a bit of genius that Flam managed to convince the guards Princess Celestia was going to give them a private rendition of ‘My Fair Clementine.’ After that, the rest was easy as pie!

Of course, we are not pinching a few of the state riches for giggles or to line our pockets. That would be madness, a one-stop journey straight to the cold Canterlot dungeon cells. We only need a few particular gems to add to the Super Speedy to make her a Wine Squeezy so that’s all we’re taking, as begrudging as it is to leave the rest.

“I want to lead this one this time.” I look to Flam in disbelief. He wants to do what? The pony has gone mad. He knows I’m the boss, the chief, the leader of our little duet, the stallion with the plan.

“We’re halfway into this plan and you want to lead this? What are you thinking, Flam?” I had to ask. He smirks at me. It’s the smirk he’ll usually reserve for a mark. It’s the smirk that means he’s plotting something dangerous.

“No, no way, no sir, no how!” I’m not ready for this. I lead these grifts so we don’t land our butts in jail, but my brother doesn’t realise the risks. One false step and we’re in trouble! Flam, however, looks immediately hurt and tries to plead his case.

“You’ve always led these cons! Well, now I think it’s my turn. You forget that without me you’re simply a pony with a flashy looking cart. Without me, you’re not Flim of the Fabulous Flim-Flam Brothers. You’re Flim, the apple missing a slice, the…”

“Stop right there.” I stare him down and flick my ear. Maybe this is a kick to the flank my brother needs. I quickly reel off the plan in my head. If he fails, I think I can save the day and still get us a decent cut from this score. I smirk back and give him a slow nod.

“Alright, brother of mine… you’ve got one shot at this. Here’s the stakes though; if you lose, you’ve got to admit that I’m the master planner of our little duo and never try to tread on my cloven toes again.” He sees the serious look on my face and I can see he’s considering what he has to lose.

“You’re on, however if I win, you take my plans seriously in the future and give me a bigger slice. No more 70-30 cuts!”

“Fine by me, Flam,” He’s not got a cat’s chance on the moon of getting this one. I cannot help but sneer and bag up the gems we need, put them all into a saddle. “So what’s the plan?”

He tells me. I stop and think about it. I feel my cheeks pushing up as I give the biggest smile I’ve ever had.

“You know Flam… that might just work! I’ll get the door, my dear brother…” I heave it open with a squeal of hinges and offer a flamboyant wave of a hoof to usher him into the corridor. I don’t even consider checking that the coast is clear.

“Err, brother.” The sound of dread in Flam’s voice tells me everything I need to know. I glance around the edge of the door to see a dozen heavily armoured and extremely angry guards surrounding the door.

We’ve been rumbled.

~^-^-^-^-^~

I was blind. Not literally, one of these guards had tied a band around my eyes the moment they hauled us out of the castle vaults. It shielded my sight from our fate.

We were pushed to a standstill a minute ago and I can only hear the shaky breathing of my brother to my right hoof side.

“Are you okay, Flam?” I call out urgently, concerned for my brother’s safety.

“I’m fine. I can’t see, Flim. I’ve had a blindfold put around my eyes.” I am at least relieved to hear his voice. “I think they’re coming back!” A distant rattle of chain mail from behind us indeed confirmed this.

“Don’t worry Flam,” I hissed gently, “I can get us out of this, just trust me. Remember what our old Ma said.”

“Don’t give up until you get given up,” he said. I could hear the attempt to smile in his voice. I could also hear his fear.

Suddenly the blindfold is literally torn from my face. The glow of sunlight on my bare eyes is searing, my body completely unprepared for this cruel and unusual torture. A cry from Flam tells me he’s going through the same pain.

I look up at a tall blue blur, trying to make out who this particular pony is. It takes moments for the tears to clear, squinting at the assailant through foggy glass. As the blue figure gains shape and focus, my heart begins to sink from the pit of my chest into a molten mess in my stomach. I stammer as I try to put a name to the stern face staring us down.

“Night, Princess Luna,” Flam whimpered, beating me to the answer. With her wings proudly outstretched, she stands before us on a regal platform before the thrones. The rest of the surroundings seem to blur away, no matter how elegant or luxurious the room is, we cannot take our eyes away from the imperial mare. Her eyebrow cocks ever so gracefully at the pair of us and even my brother and I, the Flim-Flam Brothers; famed across the land, cannot help but bow submissively to her Royal Highness.

“Well,” she said with the tone of a disciplining mother, “at least these young colts have some respect for their Princess. What have you to say for yourselves?” She pauses but she never once lets us out of her terrifying, strong gaze. My brother and I are paralyzed; I wouldn’t disagree that it might even be a spell the Princess had us under.

I try to speak and yet I choke on the words, nothing but air escaping my vocal chords. Flam is smarter; he remains silent as a mouse, although I haven’t even looked at him since my sight returned.

“Thou have both been arrested for crimes against your fellow citizens of Equestria and against your Princesses. We are not amused. We desire thou to speak immediately or thou will face immediate punishments.”

“Your Highness,” I somehow found my voice, “I will explain.” I pause as I try to wrack my brains for something, some excuse that will get us out of this mess. The Princess tilts her head in mild frustration.

“We are listening,” she says slowly, glaring. I gulp and race through my memory banks for a solution, urging my brain to hurry up. Then, it comes to me like a bolt of lightning.

“Alright, here’s the truth of it, Your Highness. My Brother and I are travelling salesponies nonpareil, the Fabulous Flim-Flam Brothers! You may have heard of us!” The Princess is unresponsive to this, so I continue, “We have chiefly been selling cider across Equestria for the best part of two years, ma’am. We have a vehicle that is able to make cider anywhere it rolls, so long as it has the apples to do so!” I pause again, yet there is still a stolid air from Princess Luna. ‘Are you sure you haven’t heard of us?”

“Oh, we have heard of thou,” she grunts, “but we have yet to see where this goes to explain why the pair of you were in the expanded vaults of my sister and I.” I look to Flam, hoping he is not about to crack a wise joke at the Princess’s Freudian slip, however he seems far too concerned about our current situation to consider puns.

“It’s like this, Princess Luna, and before I go any further, I must say you are the most beautiful of the Princesses without a doubt! Now, what was I saying? Ah, yes! My brother and I were looking to borrow a few of your magical gems because we learnt that ponies in this fair city of Canterlot do not appreciate cider! Would you believe it, Your Highness? They would not drink one drop of it!”

“So we decided that if we borrow a few of your magical gems, we could make wine for the masses instead! It was purely innocent and we, of course, were planning to return them. Now, how can you say we did not have Canterlot’s best intentions at heart?”

Flam looks horrified that I’ve revealed our true plans, but my intention is simple. There is no way the Princess cannot say we were merely performing an act of charity now!

“Very easily,” the Princess spoke up. “For one, thou did not ask to borrow said gems from your Princess and second, you are both renowned for your dishonest ways.”

“Of course we are,” I crow, believing I can still repair this, “That is why we want to give back to the ponies.” I look up to her, giving the most painful smile I have ever experienced. She doesn’t share the gesture, but she is apparently considering what I have said.

“So thou would give back to your community, without profit?” she asks curiously.

“Would that save us from being sent to jail?” I inquire hopefully. A dark look from the Alicorn Princess tells me to be quiet.

“My brother means to say that we do intend to give away wine… free and gratis.” I know Flam struggled on those words and I commend him in my mind for keeping his cool.

“Very well. Thou may, and I stress, may be released without charges if you can prove to your Princess that this is true.”

“Of course we can!” I quickly promise. “We can take you to see the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy herself!”

“Herself? She is a mare?” Luna questioned curiously.

“No, she’s a locomotive that doesn’t need tracks!” I put on my best snooty voice, since we seem to be reeling the Princess in, “She’s the most indispensable, indescribable member of our team.”

“You confuse your Princess,” the Lady of the Night tells me. “How can you call an inanimate object a female?” I have to cock an arrogant eyebrow and smile playfully.

“Come with us to see her and you’ll find out for yourself!”

~^-^-^-^-^~

We lead the Princess to the alleyway where we hid the Super Squeezy. Of course, she keeps a pair of her guard with her for her own safety. We are kept a close eye on with a few pointy objects aimed at our nicely chiselled rears. They don’t want us to run and we get the message loud and clear.

“Here she is, Your Highness!” I proclaim loud and proud. “The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. She’s one of a kind, she has the sweetest cider anypony can produce and she is a beautiful creature to boot. What do you think?”

“Oh! Your Princess is very impressed with ‘her.’ So much so that we think we may have to keep ‘her’ for ourselves.” An incredulous laugh leaves my lips.

“Wh-what?”

“Well, we can hardly let a couple of petty thieves like you look after such a beautiful machine. Guards, tie them up!”

“Hey! You can’t do this! You…”

“This is absurd, we’ve done nothing…”

“Silence them too…” Thwack! Suddenly the birds are tweeting, the sky is fading and the ground is a lot softer than I remember as I fall flat on my snout.

~^-^-^-^-^~

“Flam?”

“Uggh?”

“Are you alright?” I ask with concern whilst trying to fight the fluffy pain in my head.

“No, stallion.” He groans, however that’s my brother trying to make light of the dreadful situation.

I haven’t been blindfolded, but we have been tied together back to back and it seems we’ve been returned to the throne room of the castle as well. Luckily, it had turned to night whilst we had been unconscious so the pain is not as great on the eyes when I open them.

As I stare at the two large thrones belonging to the Princesses, I begin to consider this is all very odd. Princess Luna had enough on us to lock us up by the ankles for a dozen years before she even considered letting us loose, so why would they leave us here? What had the Princess left to say that wasn’t already said?

“Flam, have you got the instant lock-picking system to hoof?” I ask quickly, thinking of our current situation first and foremost.

“Yes but it’s no use! You can’t use a lock pick on rope, Brother.” I roll my eyes at the stallion’s single-mindedness.

“You can, if you use the teeth to cut it!” I explain to him. I can hear the cogs ticking in his brain as he thinks about it. There’s a quiet sound of realisation from him and then I feel him pulling forward so that he can push his snout into his breast pocket to fish it out.

“I can’t get it… Flim, lean back a bit, help a pony out here.” He grunts, struggling about. I do as my good brother asks, yet after a minute of struggling, it’s clear he is still not able to reach it. My plan of gaining our freedom is slowly slipping out of my hooves.

“Now, why do we not help you with that?” a familiar voice says. I try to look around, but I could not see more than a fraction of a wing.

“Princess Luna!” I say with just the faintest growl of annoyance in my voice. I cannot help myself; feeling completely and utterly fooled by the second highest-status Lady in Equestria. I cannot see what she is doing, but a moment later it becomes clear.

“Ah, a lock pick. I am clear with the concept of this item. What confuses your Princess, besides you being here in this situation, is the matter that lock picks do not work on knots.”

“We were going to cut through the rope.” Flam sounds just as grudging as me.

“I can understand you are upset at this situation, dear stallions. Let my guards free you and then we can catch the scoundrels who did this!”

I try to look at her again. She must be joking, but she sounds so sincere.

“Princess Luna, you did this to us!” my brother protests. “You had your guards tie us up, you caught us…”

“FLAM, BE QUIET!” I quickly command. I have a feeling whatever has been going on this evening has not been quite what it seems. However, if Flam was to continue, he could have got us in worse trouble than we already were in.

“What are these slanderous lies? I have not even seen the pair of you before today,” the Princess says in a slightly agitated tone. With a slow breath, I attempt to make some sense for Her Royal Highness, as well as my Brother and me too.

“Your Highness, I think some ponies have impersonated you and your guard in order to con my brother and me. We had a very unique mode of transport…”

“…I suppose you could say it was a mode of locomotion…” Flam chimes in.

“Exactly, Flam. We think these con artists fooled us into showing them our transportation. Then they knocked us out cold, dragged us here and took it!” I conveniently leave out the part where we were planning on borrowing the Princesses’ own supply of gems. If my hunch is correct, she is not aware of that anyway.

“In that case, I want to catch these wicked ponies for impersonating a Royal Princess and for stealing from you, poor gentlemen. Good soldiers, free these ponies at once,” she orders her guards. In a moment, the ropes binding us are severed by a cool brush of steel, which I cannot help but flinch at. I help my brother to his hooves, then stretch out. It feels good to be able to move again and I quickly try to work out the stiffness from my joints.

“Fear not, dear fellows,” continues the Princess, “we shall catch your crooks and we intend to return your device to you!”

“Thank you, Your Royal Highness. I couldn’t believe it when it happened; my brother and I were minding our own business and suddenly there is our Princess taking us into custody! We were very shocked and surprised, it was awful!” The Princess nods and throws her guard a few more orders before hooking me and my Brother under a foreleg each.

“Now, by morning I promise you, we will have your stolen goods returned. It is rather funny, you know. For a moment there, we thought thou might have been the thieves who stole some particular gems from our royal vaults!” She grins to us, and we grin back. As I share a secret glance with my brother, we know we have made it through by the skin of our teeth.

~^-^-^-^-^~

After giving the guards a full account of events--with some half-truths and some non-truths, we are put up for the night in one of the swankier rooms in Canterlot Castle. I can’t help looking around the room and admiring all of the pretty objects they have in here. Even the picture frames are made of gold. Yet, I can’t help thinking I’m happier appreciating these items than attempting to swipe them. Maybe I’m going honest after all.

I glance to Flam and can tell the same thought process is crossing his mind.

“All I want is to get the Super Squeezy 6000 back,” he remarks when he sees me staring at him, “I miss her so.” I nod and smile encouragingly.

“Do not threat, brother of mine. With a Princess on our side, there’s no way we will be parted for long. Come on, let’s get some sleep.”

The bed is the softest I have ever felt and it reminds me how long it has been since we slept in a proper bed. Maybe my Brother and I made the wrong choices in life after all.

~^-^-^-^-^~

We are awoken by good news! After checking at the door that we were are both decent, Princess Luna personally steps into the room, escorted by a pair of guards.

“Good morning, dear sirs! We bring good news, your thieves have been found and we need your help to capture them.”

We agree, because this sounds promising and she quickly leads us out into the fresh morning sunlight with an apology for the lack of breakfast. She moves us into a chariot and as soon as we were settled, the guards pull us swiftly into the streets of Canterlot. With the wind whistling through my ears, the Princess explains the situation.

“These ponies have been foolish enough to continue posing as your Princess in order to sell your goods to the good citizens! We need you to step forward and if they recognise you, we will know for certain it is them. Then we can arrest them without a second thought.” The chariot swerves and dashes along the smooth flagstones, before squealing to a halt just before the town square.

“However, I can only ask you to do this for me, my dear gentlemen. It is you who must choose whether to take part. We will of course have your back.”

I share a look with my Brother and we both know the answer has already been decided.

~^-^-^-^-^~

“Come, gather around, my dear citizens! Your Princess has decided to introduce you to cider!” The fake Luna cheers to her adoring crowd, who now seem to care less if cider was unbecoming of a Canterlotian. After all, it was a smart con; If a Royal is seen drinking the stuff, why would a stuffy, star-struck pony not wish to copy them?

“I’ll take three cups!” cries the mare that had refused our own cider not one day earlier.

“I’ll take four!” cries another.

“I’ll take the whole lot!” screeches a high-voiced stallion from the back.

“Stop right there, Canterlot!” I cry as I step through the crowd alone. The phony Luna does a double take, obviously not expecting me.

“Ignore whatever this pony has to say, Canterlot!” she yells. “He wishes to cast slander upon your Princess.” She smirked at me and uttered to her guards to capture me, however I’m ready for them. In a swift motion, I dodge the first, leap over the second and use the third as leverage to climb on top of the Super Squeezy.

“Hear me out, good people!” I call to the Canterlot citizens.

“Why should we listen to you?” calls back the elderly mare who had offered to buy three cups of cider.

“Because, my good lady, my name is on this wagon as it belongs to me and my brother. Look here!” I point to a lovingly hoof painted signature that the phonies had forgotten to cover up. The ‘Princess’ tries to stammer her case, but the evidence is already on the table, so to speak.

“Hey, I know of this pony,” an anonymous stallion from the back calls out, “He is Flim of the Flim-Flam Brothers! This contraption really does belong to him, we should listen!” With the crowd becoming curious, I protest my case further.

“That good fellow is correct! I am Flim of the Flim & Flam Brothers, Travelling Salesponies Nonpareil, and I have come here today not to sell you cider, but to warn you, my dear little ponies, of an imposter in your midst!” The citizens gasp in horror and so I continue, “I was first alerted to this when these ponies who satirize your fair Princess Luna and her company of guards captured my Brother and me unjustly!”

“’Tis a lie!” She scorns. “Your Princess captured you ponies stealing gems!”

“Then where are those stolen gems?” I contest and quickly drop off the cart. I choose a sincere unicorn in a striking top hat. “You look like an honest, upstanding gentleman. Please, check me to see if I have the gems ‘Your Highness’ speaks of.” He does a quick check of every pocket, under my hat and collar.

“Not a single gem on him!” he concludes and the crowd cheer with the ‘Princess’ urgently trying to hush them fearfully.

“Now, I have deduced,” I explain when the people have calmed, “that these ponies are not who they say they are. So, who could pretend to be a Princess? Has this not happened before? Did I not read in the news of such a thing taking place a few years ago?”

The citizens do the math. “They’re Changelings!” screams the elderly mare.

“That’s right!” I smile at the unmasking of these foes that are now backing up against the cart. “They proved this with their devious ways, their unabashed attempt to imitate Princess Luna, no less, and their underhanded vicious attacks on my brother and me! Changelings, how do you plead?”

The fake Princess and her guards look around the mass, which was far too large for them to take on together. With an angry scream, they burst into their true forms, a set of five Changelings snarling and gnashing their teeth to stop the immediate ponies in the crowd getting to them.

“RUN!” yells the one who had once pretended to be Princess Luna and they force their way through the crowd, only to crash into the hard armour of the guards.

“Arrest them, guards!” the true Princess of the night calls and every unicorn bows. Even I find myself kissing the ground for Her Royal Highness.

“Arise, my little ponies. Guards, take these imposters away. The dungeons will serve them well these next few years!” Canterlot goes wild and I rush back to that pony in the top hat. I sure can disguise a pony up good and my brother had never looked classier, no pony would have known it was him.

“Well done, Flam, that plan from the vaults worked like a charm!” I snicker and nuzzle him comfortably. He is just as happy as me, after all, we just got the Super Squeezy 6000 back!

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Princess trotted towards us. For once, my brain tells me to do the right thing. I leap onto the Super Squeezy 6000 once more and rummage around until I find the bag of swiped gems. With a last lustful look at what could have been, I heave the swag back to the royal mare.

“I do not know how else to offer my thanks, Your Highness,” I say as I return the goods. She looks, checks it’s all there and then nods, letting her guard take it from here. I look to Flam and we both share an earnest thought to what could have been.

“There is one other thing, my dear Flim and Flam,” she says, grinning and then announces loudly, “I would like a jar of your finest cider!” The crowd bustles forward in delight.

“Oh! And after Your Highness, I would like three!” cries the old mare once more.

“Five for me! After Her Royal Highness, of course!” Fancy Pants yells.

“Flam,” I proclaim, “we were crazy to ever give up the cider making business.”

“I think you’re right, Brother of mine.” He chortles. “Ready, Flim?”

“Ready, Flam,” I aim my horn at the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 and smile. There’s nothing else I’d rather be.

“Let's bing bang zam!”

~^-^-^-^-^~

Author's Note:

I wrote this a while ago, I enjoyed rereading it, and thought you might too.
Belated thanks to EverfreePony for editing this story.

All good things,

~Duskhoof

Comments ( 16 )
Comment posted by Scholarly-Cimmerian deleted May 20th, 2018
Comment posted by Scaramouche deleted May 20th, 2018
MJP

how am i the only one that want to see Flim and Flam and Capper try to out-con each other

Comment posted by Scaramouche deleted May 20th, 2018

Normally, I give my thoughts on the fic and then point out mistakes in grammar. This time, though, I'm gonna reverse the order so I don't have to keep track of the mistakes.
Also, people don't get a notification that you've replied to them if you don't actually hit the reply button. :scootangel:

I’m Flim of the Flim-Flam Brothers. Flim for short.

No need to state twice that his name is Flim.

My brother Flam is a fine fellow too but we both know I’m the brains of the outfit.

Always need to have a comma before a coordinating conjunction that separates two independent clauses. So, "too, but we"
You seem to make this mistake repeatedly.

finest dress and jewellery bits could buy

"jewelry"

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no!We Canterlot Equestrians

Missed a space.

“What we need is a hook, a steal, an…” “…Item these ponies actually want?” Flam finishes, cocking his eyebrow.

Someone unsure of what they're going to say probably wouldn't use "an." I would suggest "'a steal, a...' '...An item ponies actually want?'"

we can’t!’ He complains, ‘She was

Why the single quote marks?

“I want to lead this one this time,” I look to Flam in disbelief.

I think that these should be separate paragraphs.

By these errors so near the beginning, I'd say this needs to be looked through and edited. I'll stop making corrections at this point so that I can just read the story. If you want more help editing, please do let me know. The story itself isn't too bad so far, though up to here it seems a lot like the episode it's based off of. But I'll keep reading and see if it gets better. It's certainly not a bad story as of right now.


No more 70-30 cuts!”

Very good detail to throw in there. That surprised me.
But, in literature, numbers 100 and lower are generally expressed in words. Bah, it's a pony fanfiction. Heck if I care.

I could also hear his fear.

Again, splendid display. Really shows connection between Flim and his brother.

of it!” So, we decided that if we

Just stepping in for a (hopefully) last tip. When a character speaks for multiple paragraphs, the the quote belongs at the beginning of subsequent paragraphs and not at the ends until the character as finished speaking completely. Let me know if I need to clarify.

“How can you call an inanimate object a female?”

This seems out of place for somepony to ask, especially an archaic pony such as Luna. At least, that's my opinion.

“Well, we can hardly let a couple of petty thieves like you look after such a beautiful machine. Guards! Tie them up!”

Okay... that seems severely out of character to me: not only did Luna issue an order that doesn't fit a ruler of Equestria, but the guards go along with it.

I think some ponies have impersonated you

Ah.
Alright then.

“Do not threat, brother

*cough* fret *cough*


Hm. Well, I've finished, and I'll now give my final thoughts.
To begin with, it needs editing, as said before. Really, there are many mistakes that need to be fixed. To someone without a tight hold on grammar, there probably won't be much to distract when reading, but for those of us that do... well, like I said... it needs work. I've never scored a fic, so I may just as well start here.
Grammar: 5/10 - not unreadable, but distracting to moi

The story itself is good. It isn't too rushed; there isn't any real conflict in logic (aside from maybe Luna not realizing Flim and Flam stole the gems); and the twists are good. Now, I don't think it's a great story, and that's because Flim and Flam get off scot-free, something that conflicts with the general theme of justice. You could argue that them being reformed and on a better path at the end is justice enough, but I'd say not. Their malicious intentions may be gone, but they still committed a crime and thus should have something to answer for. One thing that I think this story would really benefit from is a scene at the end where Luna talks shortly with the two thieves. As long as there has been some form of interrogation, the crime has at least been acknowledged.
Story: 8/10 - Good and original, but improvable

Characterization is on point if not for the end, where they reform - but that's story-specific. Everypony is able to reform, and today? Today, these two have reformed. The kiss with Flim and Flam although cute and sorta hot to imagine seems a bit out of character, as does the nuzzling. These ponies are not portrayed in the show as being so affectionate. Still cute though.
Characterization: 9/10 - Near perfect, with some slips

So, overall, it's a nice little fic. I wouldn't write home about it, but it wasn't a waste of time reading. Far from it. Now make a shipfic of these two.
Overall tally: 22/30 - Probably not something I'd reread (favorite, that is), but a good read nonetheless

Sidenote: Vocabulary is impressive and leaves an impact, always seeming to fit the moment, as well as Flim's perspective.

8934773
... I fluffing love that idea.
Would you mind if I had a look at where that idea might go or will you be? I’m happy to hear your input, or help you write it or co-write it

8934587
Thanks! :D glad you enjoyed! n3n

HOW AM I THIS MUCH OF A N00B HERE?!?!
I just deleted some praise :fluttershysad:

I'm not just sad. I'm FLUTTERSHY SAD!!!

8936829
Hi!

Thank you for taking the time to write this, it's massively appreciated, I will correct what I can, and if I cannot do that then I will take it as a learning for next time.

I do have a few points of interest first;

No need to state twice that his name is Flim.

I might have done this because I thought I was being funny. I see that it is just confusing.

You seem to make this mistake repeatedly.

Yes I do. I will fix this in my future work! (I'll do a bit more research into this too)

"jewelry"

This is not so much an error, as a British perspective on the word. I do recognize these differences though and I often wonder if I should concentrate on my American spellings since the demographic is higher.

Let me know if I need to clarify.

I do not think you do, but I will fix it and if it is still wrong, please let me know.

that seems severely out of character to me:

I did give Fake Luna and her guard several odd behaviors (American English doesn't have a U in behavior, right?) to hint at the fact that this character is not who she claims to be. Again, I appreciate that at that point in the story, it is more confusing than it is encouraging to the reader to look deeper.

don't think it's a great story, and that's because Flim and Flam get off scot-free

Please insert a soundbite of Homer crying out "you hear me? No Comeuppance!"
This is a brilliant point. I will investigate this if I write any more FlimFlam Fiction, but for this story I feel like I had given the FF bros enough of a punishment by whacking them over the head, chaining them up and leaving them to the mercy of the Night Princess.

You can never punish your darlings enough. If I get a moment of inspiration then I will add a final scene, otherwise I am going to hang on to the idea of exploring this in the future.

Will I explore a Flim-Flam romance within that? Dot-dot-dot...

seems a bit out of character, as does the nuzzling.

This may have come about because at the time this was written, I was in a MLP:FIM role-playing group. One of my characters was Flim, and I was a little enamored with the person playing Flam.

Side note - the story itself was not acted out. In fact, Flam went AWOL shortly after offering to be that pony.

Vocabulary is impressive and leaves an impact, always seeming to fit the moment

Thank you! In English Literature, I had to write a lot. One of the items that got the most praise was a script that I wrote.
I do feel I am at my best when I am writing in a character's voice, which leaves my descriptive writing needing work.
I want to do this though, so I will keep trying.

Twenty-two out of thirty is still something I feel proud of. I recognize there are areas needing work, I hope it shows that I am going to do more to improve on those points.

I am looking for an editor for my writing. I would not expect that person to do it for free so I'd need to talk to them to see how interested they are, what they expect and need.
If you think you have the desire, patience and the time to do that, let me know and I would be glad to talk to you more about it.
I will not be upset if that is "not your cup of tea."

Lastly, at risk of repeating myself; thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It means the world to me to just have somebody read my work and feel something from it. I don't get much of that.

I look forward to reading more from you as well, I will always leave a note or two if I do.

Always good things,
Duskhoof

8937194
It's no problem. I try to review the fics I read.

And, about the editing position, I may be able to see what I can do. I might not. Don't quote me on it, but I'll get back to you if I can and decide to take it.

8937508
Thank you for considering it.

It’s 2.30am in England, I should be sleeping so that I’m well rested for work tomorrow. However, the 2nd Flim-Flam idea has grown legs now. I have the barest bones of an idea as to what I might do with it.

The Flim Flam brothers aren't my favorite characters in the show but your story actually made me glad things worked out for them in the end.
Though I'll admit I cheered when they got bamboozled by the rather silly changelings(Royalty selling cider?:rainbowlaugh:) This makes me think that this story could be used in the comics...mainly because I want to see Luna's pet opossum mess around with the brothers.

9121352
Glad you enjoyed that one :D it was a bit fun and silly to write but entertaining!

👀💦Oh, I remember this!

9220726
Haha! Yeah, it's an oldie but... well, it's an oldie :P

Interesting story with plenty of plot twists and a good laugh here are there. I just wonder, when exactly did Flam manage to set such an elaborate plan into motion?

I’m a southern colt, close personal friends with Smarty Pants

Well, this is a rather peculiar statement. I wonder, how did the Flim Flam brothers get to know Twilight’s doll? :rainbowwild:

Login or register to comment