My first story here: a human, a dreamer, a night owl, wakes up in the post-Event world.
He finds himself no longer human, but equine - and batlike as well? He goes on a quest to find civilization, and discover his purpose in life. There are enemies to defeat, others to save, and his own existence to confront. What comes of that remains to be seen...
Thank you. 7@=e
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If I may ask, where are you setting this story? The area feels familiar to me. I like what I see so far.
Just stumbled into this, I'll be going through it soon. I have a suggestion already: Your long description should look like the back cover of a novel in a bookstore. There's lots of production-type information here, talking about your process.
I suggest writing a new long description that describes your story as though you'd just picked it up off the shelf in a bookstore. Try and hook us with whatever awesome stuff you can tell us about your story without spoiling too much. Then use an hr tag (but put it in brackets), and you can put your production notes on the other side of the line. That will cause them to be hidden by the "more" button, so that potential readers who click on your story will first see what awesome things it might be about, and not your pontificating about whether or not it will be worth reading.
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It's based on where I live, in southeast Connecticut (Mystic area, specifically). 7@=e
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Thanks! I will try to do so. 7@=e
At my age, I am not familiar with the intricacies of web protocol: but I shall do what I can.
I THOUGHT so! I was stationed at the Subase from 80-86.
Damn crows, stealing the script! :)
An interesting start!
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Don't worry: he'll find it later on... 7@=Q
Fun first chapter. The prose is totally solid, and doesn't get bogged down. Brevity is the soul of wit, after all. Character could be interesting too, but one chapter isn't enough to judge that kind of thing.
I do have a few tips though, mostly about the site. I guess I'm kinda the reverse of you--young and inexperienced, but old and grizzled when it comes to Fimfiction. First suggestion: your scene dividers are a bunch of asterisks. Fimfiction has a standard designation for scene dividers, it's
[hr]Just paste that into the text directly and you'll get an attractive divider that scales and adjusts to your readers' screens automatically (you've seen them a zillion times with me and other authors).You used song lyrics in the chapter. This is okay since it's so old it's in the public domain. But be careful, copyrighted song lyrics (not from the show) are against the rules and will get your chapters taken down. Oh, and related to this, you can link directly to the location of the song in your author's notes if you want. It might be a little tricky to show you how to format links, but you can also just paste them right in from your address bar like I'm doing now: http://poniesafterpeople.pbworks.com/w/page/97837594/Timeline . Much easier for your reader to find that way.
Last tip of the day: Stories with covers are much more likely to be noticed by readers. Even if all you can find is a bit of desolate scenery you edit down to the right size, perhaps a particularly scenic and deserted vista from the area of the story... whatever it is. Pictures make the story stand out in the list, even if they're not great. That's more time for you to win eyes over to reading your story proper.
I've got tons of backog on fimfiction, but I will be following this story from now on. You've got me so far!
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Thanks for the tips! I'll try to amend that. The scene division was a late decision, to make a clear separation between dream and waking scenes: I will be doing that again in future.
The song quote was more or less an impulse inclusion, as I am a collector of old talking machines and records. If I add any more references in future, I will be careful to credit them.
As for a cover image, I am trying to revive my artwork; I hope to include something appropriate soon. 7@=e
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One thing--don't add lyrics for songs that are still under copyright. Crediting them isn't enough--site rules specify that it's not permitted at all. It's not illegal, I'm sure as heck not going to report you--but someone might, and it would suck if your story got taken down because some loser thought the admins should know you were breaking a silly rule.
I think weight have skipped a chapter...
I like the detail of the earth floored house built on earth pony tradition. Nice little world building tidbit. And the prayer.
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Have you read the first part? I tried to get this to segue smoothly from there. (Edit: sorry; I didn't realize the first part had not been published. I had been editing it, and forgot to hit the 'Publish' button at the end.)
The transition from 'stranger' to 'quest' may be a bit sudden; but I am unused to longer forms of prose, and wanted to keep the plot moving. Thanks! 7@=e
There we go. Now I'm introduced to these character.
Okay, finally got around to the second chapter. Lots of writing, slow reader, sorry about that.
Just wanted to say, this is some really tight prose. Effective at delivering information without being too boring or too wordy. Lives in the present of the story, without losing sight of the character's past. Just the right amount of infodump. Even managed to convey some obscure setting details like pony lifespan without it feeling awkward or just having a character go out and saying "this is how long you live." Earned a favorite from me.
I have only one concern--not a problem with this chapter, this chapter is great. But a worry about the future. Sooner or later we'll need a coherent goal for our protagonist, something to set us on our arc. Some kind of difficult to overcome, maybe an antagonist. And maybe it is really just as simple as "how will I make a living?" I've seen plenty of really promising stories fade into dreadful boredom because after starting them off their authors couldn't deliver on a narrative.
Again, no problem with this chapter. This chapter was great. Let's see how this goes.
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I have already laid a tiny bit of foreshadowing for a future antagonist, although our "hero" will need some time and training to overcome them. I don't want to create a "Gary Stu"; so the big, apocalyptic battles may be beyond his scope.
I do have a bit of concern for how the story will go after that. There may be another threat; and he may find ways to guide and inspire others, as occasionally happened in "Sandman". There will be an ending, though, as the story title promises. 7@=e
Is the sub base diving training tower still standing?
Wait, Event? What event? Is there a story I'm missing here?
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Beg pardon? Have you read Starscribe's original stories? Check the PaP group page, and read the introductory info. Best to get the basics on this universe first... 7@=e
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That remains to be seen... 7@=e
Good start!
Brief comment on this chapter.
It was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. There's a saying I'm sure you know based on the title of your story. Brevity is the soul of wit. Basically--you need to think of your reader's attention as a precious resource. It's like oil, and every word you write drains a tiny drop of it away. You must spend it very carefully.
The way you describe this house was accurate and extremely detailed. So much so it sounded like I could've visited a historical recreation. But that's precisely the problem. Your job isn't just to write down what your character sees--you have to evoke only the things relevant to the story. In my opinion, you could cut literally everything about the house except to say in a few lines "it was an old fashioned-farmhouse, exactly like the sort Ben had seen in the Amish village he visited as a child right down to the blacksmithed nails."
The drama in the house is not the material the walls are made of, it's the fact that one of their kids has run off. If I'd written this same chapter, we would've skipped right to the dinner in maybe two paragraphs, with some brief introductions for these characters. The key details are the bits about Fallow, and you could've easily showed them at the dinner as you do in the next chapter.
UNLESS you intend most of the story to take place in this farmhouse and be about these ponies. If so, you can keep the introduction stuff about each pony. Otherwise, I would cut that stuff way down too. You gave each of these ponies the level of detail I'd devote to main characters who would be going on the whole quest. When the real important parts to share about them are their relationships with their missing brother/son. We don't need the lavish detail about hair color and precise cutie mark layout, or the lore behind their names.
I'll end with another old cliche'. Don't be afraid to kill your darlings. After writing a loving description of some old thing you know intimately and personally, you might discover that it actually makes the chapter clunky and awkward. There are probably 30k words of PaP story that no one has read, because they're things I wrote then deleted. Only keep the bare minimum words you need to tell the story effectively.
Much cleaner. This is the kind of detail we needed. Drama, tension, history! Not cutie marks and tapestries.
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I have trimmed a bit of description from Chapter 3, upon your advice, although it may not seem enough to your satisfaction.
I suppose I suffer from a different problem: the fear of rushing through a narrative, without giving the reader room to breathe. As an inveterate reader myself, I enjoy the occasional respite from the pressure of a plotline, in order to immerse myself, and savor the atmosphere of a particular world. Perhaps modern sensibilities are more inclined to "cut to the chase": I prefer to let the world develop at its own pace. Ben has a long way to go before he can complete his mission, and I have not yet determined how he shall do so.
I hope I can balance the need to fill this world, and the imperative to advance the plot, in further chapters. 7@=e
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You can have your cake and eat it too, by introducing a little subplot that gives us reason to care about the minor setting details you're dying to share. Like hypothetically... suppose there was a dangerous animal of some kind loose in the house, and the father was away. Then you could share any setting details you wanted relevant to the main character tracking it down and killing it.
Think of all that description like... mashed potatoes. They're great as part of a meal (plot), even a minor plot. But by themselves, a whole platter of mashed potatoes gets gross _real_ fast.
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Most room details should give your readers some ideas on the community culture of that settlement, such as an award for biggest and best fruit or vegetables the family won at the distant state fair. Or these should give insights into those who own that home.
For example, the description, “A rug was in the middle of the room” describes to your readers nothing more than that. Consider this description instead, “Several yoga mats each having a different hip mark icon was in the middle of the room. All had considerable wear, except one that appeared to be brand new." Your protagonist and your readers then find out that the unused mat belongs to Fallow Field. This becomes an entertaining way to introduce his cutie mark and shows that the family hopes to have their son return to them.
First, don't be afraid to keep your darlings as long each sentence works toward improving your narrative in some way.
Second, add concrete details when needed. "It was an old fashioned-farmhouse, exactly like the sort Ben had seen in the Amish village he visited as a child right down to the blacksmithed nails." While this is a good sentence, many people don’t know what the Amish are and will be confused about that sentence.
Instead, you should create with a few words what your protagonist is seeing, the textures he touches, and the scents that he smells.
Writing out a detailed description of your protagonist helps you know what is important to your protagonist. If your protagonist is a technology geek, then he will notice the lack of anything electrical in the home. If your protagonist is an artist, he will notice that the woodwork has been painted with images of the farm family’s favorite foods.
Here is an example from the episode “The Perfect Pear”.
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/9/92/Pear_Butter_and_her_father_in_her_bedroom_S7E13.png/revision/latest?cb=20170807213235
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Thanks: I have already edited out some of the extraneous description in that chapter, to avoid stalling the narrative. 7@=e
A very good chapter with detailed world building that I much liked. You give me enough details that I can follow Ben’s journey on Google maps. The conversation between Ben and Stacks was excellent.
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To create a captivating fictional story, use the rules that professional journalist use in their nonfiction articles; the 5 W's and the H refers to the six important questions that are:
·Who was involved?
·What happened?
·When did it take place?
·Where did it take place?
·Why did that happen?
·How did it happen?
An excellent chapter with dialogue and world building that keeping the story moving along, not too fast or too slow.
What was the discworld reference?
First, I’d love to read what holidays and festivals are celebrated by the citizens of Mule London.
Second, are there Cloudominium or cloud-based homes for flying creatures above Mule London?
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The reference to Mrs. Cake: see Reaper Man, Going Postal, and Making Money. 7@=e
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I have not yet determined that. There should certainly be a Harvest Festival, a Midwinter Festival, and a Spring Festival. I would like to include a bonfire at some time: preferably around September 6 (see NL history)*, but based on post-Event happenings. I may have to relegate that to a side story on Mule London history, though.
As for cloud-based residences for pegasi and such: I think that Earth's weather is not as tightly controlled as Equestria's, especially at this early era. Other flying species, such as thestrals and dragons, are fairly rare: changelings would tend to establish a hive somewhere outside town; and griffins would be rather clannish as well (that one lodger excepted: there is probably a reason for his presence among ponies). 7@=e
*A custom that has lately been revived; and in which I have several times had the dubious distinction of portraying the villain in the case.
I’m super excited to read about Ben’s travels into the dream realm. For example, Ben could dream walk to visit that “morose griffin” to help him be less morose.
I wonder if the book will give a short description of Starlight Glimmer’s exchanging Princess Celestia and Princess Luna’s cutie marks and abilities.
Princess Luna: If you don't fix this soon, it could have a grave consequence on Starlight's psyche.
Princess Celestia: But my magic isn't powerful enough! I thought if we worked together...!
Princess Luna: I have your magic, remember? It doesn't work in the dream realm. It has to be you!
Now that I think of it, this ability to exchange cutie marks and abilities gives authors many new opportunities for drama and comedy for their stories.
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Thanks!
I had that first idea in my mind as I was writing: it would be a good initial test of Ben's training. After all, he's going to need some experience before he can carry out his quest.
I'm not familiar with the other incident you mention: I may have to do some more research around here.
I may also want to shift the POV of the story temporarily: I have a villain in mind, and would like to start fleshing them out. 7@=e
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My apologies, as I should have provided a link to the episode Wiki that describes Starlight exchanging the two princesses cutie marks.
A Royal Problem
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Thanks! I'll check it out. 7@=e
Ohhhh, yes: I remember that episode.
After Ben gets some experience in flying, would you consider sending him and a few other winged creatures in an impromptu rescue mission for the passengers and crew of a returned ferry? With three ferry routes based in Old, New London it would surprise me that no ferry would be returning and then needed assistance in getting to port. This is a story that can’t be told with an inland settlement.
The New London ferry routes are: Block Island Express Ferry, Cross Sound Ferry, and Fishers Island Ferry.
definitely a good start
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it flowed nicely for me.
This was shaping up to be very interesting.