When a Baltimare detective hears of an Ursa Minor attack on Ponyville, her interest is piqued. She leaves town to go investigate the details.
Chapters (2)
suplup
Joined 24th Apr, 2012 ·
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This is my first submission, and my first written work as well. Let me know what you think?
Please?
OK, first, welcome and congratulations on your story being published.
The story was well edited with no noticeable mistakes and very clear when reading. The writing itself seems simplistic and very stiff, with most descriptions being statements rather than evocative.
The characters are bizarre and warrant a "Random" tag being added to this story. Enigma, having a unique, unexplained appearance, a demonic familiar, and apparently being a highly skilled detective puts her dangerously close to "Mary Sue" territory, only offset by her odd personality, random behavior, and strange naivete making her somewhat of an outcast. So good job balancing there.
The dialogue is where this story stands out to me and in my opinion warrants a "Comedy" tag, most assuredly. And is the main reason I will be keeping an eye on this story for future updates. Not Favoriting it yet though, that is pending plot development.
1402150
The first comment to my story, I will love you forever, thanks for the notice on adding the tags. And your explanation on Enigma and her 'Mary Sue'-ness. I hope you enjoy the rest, once it becomes available.
Phhhhshhhhhhh...
(You can imagine that sound any way you please.)
Alright, alright... Inky's here, so sitcha asses down and let me handle this.
The black-maned, parchment-coated stallion known as Inky Swirl, Trottingham's own Magnificent Bastard in Charge, took a cold, stern look at the documents splayed across his table. He bore an expression of idle distaste coupled with steel resolve as his gray eyes roamed across the paper underhoof.
"Hmm," he muttered. "Mr... 'Suplup,' is it?"
The newcomer glanced at His Bastardry from his position on the metal folding chair. "Um, yeah."
"Well, Mr... Sup... Lup... it seems we have business to attend to, here, do we not?"
"... I don't know."
The monstrous stallion fixed him with a glare full of venom. "Yes," he hissed. "Yes. We. DO."
All the papers across the table flew up in a whirlwind as Inky's horn glowed. He shuffled the documents in mid-air and formed a stack, then smacked it down in front of Suplup. The hapless newcomer jumped in his seat and shriveled before the mighty Inky Sonofabitch Swirl.
"You've submitted a piece of work for my examination--and examined it, I have. Here are my findings:
1. OH, BY THE WAY! Your first 'chapter' on here is a tidbit of story information that you've actually marked, "Pre-story information." Are you perhaps familiar with "Courage: The Cowardly Dog?" There's a specific character in that show I'm feeling particularly like at this moment, as I think of his catchphrase:
vulpesffb.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/katz-with-courage.jpg
In this scenario, I am Katz, and you are Courage. Be afraid.
See, you do not--I repeat, DO NOT--flag something as, "Pre-Story info" and serve it up in less than one hundred words. No, no, no, no, no; the very act of recognizing that there's a 'story' you need to 'prepare' a reader for shines a lot on the illusion itself. I haven't even started, yet, and I already know this is a story and that there's a manipulative author behind this.
I feel like thumping you on the nose with a newspaper.
Remedy: There is only one way to include background information for readers in a way that isn't bad, shoddy, or showy. You need to sprinkle the information into the actual narrative in tidbits. Don't just slap something in my face to say, "Oh, before you start, read this, you gotta know." Let me find out through hearing about it in subtle ways through character conversation, or not-so-subtle ways through character thought. You could have very easily done that in the first actual chapter you've got up here. Besides, if you had waited and let the background info unfold naturally, it would have hooked readers much better, because we would've wanted to know what was up.
2. Accents Are Sexy, Y'know. I need to address your beginning right off the bat:
“Are you sure about this, Master?” a reverberating stallion-esque voice asked. His voice had an accent similar to those in Canterlot.
“Yes, yes I am,” A mare's voice replied, in a voice with no discernible accent.
A crunching sound was heard as the mare ate some cereal.
Okay... this opening's got the same personality defect that your "Pre-story information" tidbit had, in that it's trying to give us information immediately without us naturally learning through story progression. Nope, nuh-uh, not gonna work; cut that crap about his voice having an accent similar to those in Canterlot--you'll have time to mull that over in a few sentences, after we get into the story. In fact... cut out the "reverberating stallion-esque voice" bit, too; it's much more engaging to hear a conversation without context, because it draws people in. Do the same thing with the next line.
I'll give you an example:
"You think he'll fit?"
"Well... it'll take some pushin', but I think it could work."
"It's gonna be a real mess, you know that?"
"I knew that gettin' into it, Buddy. This crap's always a mess."
See, by not adding any detail, I just interested people--they want to know wtf is going on, and furthermore, since they're interested because of what they've heard, now, they want to see. Interest beget interest. Do you understand? Writing is a striptease, foreplay, and seduction.
3. Product Placement. Let's move on to the next bit, mmkay?
“But you have so many things going for you here! It would be foolish to give it all up for a miniscule chance at success!” the 'stallion-voice' exclaimed.
“I don’t care, if there's any chance that she’s in Ponyville, then I will take that chance! Even if she isn’t, I’m sure the citizens have heard of her and could give me an idea of where to look,” the mare responded, mouth full of Honey Bunches of Oats (tm).
Cut out that bit about the stallion-voice again, and you have something interesting to read--that's number one. Second thing: take another look at what your mare character has just said. It sounds a bit... cheesy-heroic and over-expository. Isn't there a better, more realistic way for her to respond? Something more in line with a logical detective's personality?
Oh, and by the way, if you ever insert a brand name into a pony fic again or use a frigging trademark symbol, I will syc all my diamond dogs on you. No, no, no, and no again.
4. I'm Hearing Voices, Doc! Help Me! Here's the thing about dialogue--once you establish who's speaking in a one-on-one conversation, you do not need to keep tagging who speaks.
“Master, I doubt that a small town such as Ponyville has heard of her,” the 'stallion-voice' countered.
I get that the 'stallion-voice' replied without you even mentioning it was him; who else would've responded, the cereal bowl?
The voice did not belong to a stallion. In fact, it did not belong to a pony at all. He seemed to be more of a living shadow. Slightly taller than a pony, the ethereal being was almost completely black in color, his eyes being the sole bright area of his figure.
Okay, here's a good place to stop for a moment. I'm going to teach you something about narrative perspective, mmkay?
Let's establish that the mare detective in this story is your narrator. Sure, the writing is "third-person," but she's the one experiencing everything, and it is through her that we are meant to experience the story. Now, because of this, you must think logically about what gets put into the writing in regards to how the narrator character is experiencing and perceiving things. Does this character outright think, "The voice does not belong to a stallion"?
Let's take a different tact: an impartial narrator who floats around these characters like ghosts, acting as an outsider. This is neither mare nor stallion-esque familiar, but just... a pair of eyes. The reader, if you will. In this case, the narrator sees and feels, hears, smells, and tastes, but does not put in thoughts. "The voice did not belong to a stallion" is a conscious thought--it acknowledges that there's someone actively thinking about stuff, and the narrator is now refuting them, butting into the story.
Punch the narrator in the face.
The proper way to do that whole introduction of the familiar, I think, is to have your mare character glance at him. This is an act of observation, resulting in stimulus: the sight of the shadow-thing-pet. The effect of the stimulus is to consider the shadow-pet's appearance and voice (now being the time to comment on the accent), because the mare is looking at him, and this will prompt thoughts, whether they be conscious or subconscious.
1428744
Umm, wow, that's a lot. Sweet.
Anyway, the prestory info is just something I felt that readers should know, yet doesn't fit in with the prologue. All it really is is the mare character reading the newspaper. But I'll delete it, it's not too important.
As for the introductions, I thank you for honestly saying it's not as good as it could be. I'll take your advice and spruce it up. And I'll get rid of the trademark thing.
1428744
Tried my best to fix up what you suggested; I hope its better now.