A Sweetie Lesson In Friendship
Part I
Edited/Re-written By: Rendan, Original by Me.
Sweetie Belle sat quietly in Rarity's room, she shared the room with her sister when she stayed at the boutique. Sweetie Belle was busy writing her most personal and private thoughts in her diary. The diary was a gift from Rarity and she told Sweetie she could keep it at the boutique and she would keep it hidden for Sweetie,
"Like a good big sister would do." she said when Sweetie first got it.
'Dear Diary,
Today was a most wonderful day, Shadow Fire returned from his family vacation and I got to see him in school today, I think he is the cutest colt ever!...' Sweetie wrote in her diary.
"Sweetie, where are you." Rarity called from downstairs.
"Just a minute!" Sweetie called back before closing her diary and placing it safely under Rarity's bed.
Sweetie trotted down the stairs to Rarity's work room to find Rarity with a small, newly sewn dress.
"Sweetie, be a dear and try this on, would you?" Rarity said as she gave the dress to Sweetie.
"What's it for?" Sweetie asked
"Oh nothing, it's just a client's dress for their little filly and I don't have any mannequins small enough, so, you will have to do." Rarity said.
"Ok, sure" Sweetie said, starting to get into the dress, it was a little small, and she noticed something about it when she got it all the way on.
"Uh, Rarity?"
"Yes sweetie dearest?" Rarity said as she was fixing certain parts of the dress, making random adjustments.
"Why... Why does it have a padding in the back?" Sweetie said, worried that she she was quite sure she knew what the answer was going to be.
"It's for a foal Sweetie, and foals aren't stall trained yet" Rarity said
"You mean... I'M WEARING A DIAPER!?!?!?" Sweetie yelled at Rarity, her voice cracking in the process.
Rarity leaned down a little bit and her ears fell and she looked at Sweetie "Yes." She said, matter-of-factly.
"THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING!" she yelled "If anyone found out about this I would be a laughing stock, my life would be ruined!" She said
Rarity's ears perked back up and she regained her normal proper, royal-like tone. "Sweetie, no pony is going to find out about it, and its not like it's for you, it's for a foal. Besides, look at how cute you look" She smiled, pointing a hoof at a mirror.
Sweetie blushed, embarrassed "FINE!" She said with a crack.
A few hours later Sweetie was back in Rarity's room with her diary once again.
'It was TERRIBLE. It was the most horrible, embarrassing, stupid thing ever! I'll admit it was nice to feel young again, but a DIAPER!? I can think of better ways to feel younger!...'
"Sweetie, time for bed." Rarity said as she entered the room.
"Ok!" She said as she closed the diary, placing it under Rarity's bed.
Sweetie walked across the room and got into a cot that Rarity put out when she had Sweetie over, they both got in their beds and Rarity began to get into bed, very lady like, no less.
"Goodnight Sweetie Belle" She said.
"Goodnight Sis!" Sweetie said in a loud high pitched voice.
And with that they both fell asleep soundly.
-
The next day after school Sweetie Belle walked to Rarity's boutique with her fellow crusaders.
"Whats the plan today Scootaloo?" Sweetie asked.
"Sky Diving Cutie Marks!" Scootaloo said.
"Aint that a little dangerous, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom added.
"You'll never get your Cutie Marks if you think about danger! Besides, Rainbow Dash already said she would help." Scootaloo said.
The three of them entered the boutique and Rarity greeted them.
"So whats the plan today, crusaders?" Rarity asked
"Cutie Mark Crusader Sky Diving!" They said in unison.
"Oh sounds dangerous" Rarity said
"Don't worry, Rainbow Dash is gonna be there to help us! She is the best flier in all of Equestria, we'll be fine!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
"Well why don't you go get your parachutes I made you out of the closet in my room?"
"Okay!" They said.
"Sweetie, can I talk to you for a moment?" Rarity asked.
"Sure sis!" She said "Why don't you guys go on without me, I'll catch up" Sweetie told the other two Cutie Mark Crusaders.
"Ok" Scootaloo said while her and Apple Bloom went upstairs to Rarity's room.
-
In Rarity's room, Apple Bloom was deep in the closet trying to find the parachutes while Scootaloo was reading an interesting book she had found open on Rarity's bed.
"Oh hey Apple Bloom, look, check this out." Scootaloo said.
Apple Bloom's head poked out of the closet and the pile of clothing that fell on top of her. "Whats up?"
"I found Sweetie's Diary!" Scootaloo said, laughing at entries in the diary.
"I don' know Scootaloo, It seems like ah invasion of Sweetie Belles privacy." Apple Bloom said, now exiting the closet.
"Oh come on, you have to read this."
"I dun' think that's a good idea," She said.
"Fine then, I'll read it for you" Scootaloo paused "Today I helped Rarity make a dress, I was stuck being a model as..." Scootaloo trailed off "Oh this is rich" She said
"What?" Apple Bloom said, her interest sparked.
"You have to read it to find out!" Scootaloo said
"I dun' know." She replied nervously.
"Come on, you know you want to." Scootaloo said.
"I guess..." Apple Bloom said reluctantly, she sat down next to Scootaloo and started to read the entry.
Immediately both Apple Bloom and Scootaloo started laughing at the entry about Sweetie Belle an the dress, beginning to laugh so hard they were crying.
Sweetie had just come to the doorway when she saw what was going on, Immediately her face turned beet red and tears welled up in her eyes. "WHAT'S GOING ON!?" Sweetie said with a voice crack.
"Oh Sweetie you have to read this diar-...." Scootaloo stopped mid sentence realizing who she was talking to.
Sweetie broke down crying. "Why.... Why would you...?" Sweetie said as she lay on the floor crying.
"Sweetie, I uh..." Apple Bloom started
"What's going on up here?" Rarity said as she entered the room, she assessed the situation and realized what was going on.
"Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, I think its best if you two leave". Rarity said in a stern voice.
"But... We didn't mean to.." Apple Bloom started trying to apologize again.
"Leave. Now." Rarity said pointing a hoof at the door.
Sweetie Belle jumped up, still crying, "WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!" She yelled. She collapsed onto the floor and started crying even more.
"Sweetie, I..." Scootaloo said before receiving a harsh look from Rarity, more then enough of a warning as the two fillies left.
Rarity sat down next to Sweetie and put her hoof around her as Sweetie cried in her coat, feeling betrayed.
Couple of issues
1. Pacing: You pace the story too fast, jumping from one scene to another without going into detail. Bad pacing can ruin a story.
2. You need more description. Writing is a bit like painting a picture, but instead of canvas, you're painting inside the person's mind. A person needs to be able to build the scene inside their head, and it's hard to do without description.
I hope this helps.
Just making a stereotype based prediction before I read this right quick: at 1,096 words and going off the description it's going to have a few few grammatical and spellingissues, but since this is our beloved Sweetie Belle, it's going to be cute without a doubt, so I'm going to look past that. I'll have an evaluation for you when I resurface.
Well, that went quickly. Concise and to the point, I like that. This was cute as I thought, and I admit I chuckled at the bit about the dress. Not bad kid. Work on your grammar a little bit, do some spell checking and don't be shy about the description. I'll follow this.
967701 I feel bad for you if the mods chance upon this story,
967734 ill feel good
Erm, well, I had some trouble reading this. I see a lot of spelling erors and grammar errors:
1) I didn't like how in some scenes you used the same noun/person in the same sentence. You could just put "he" or "she" after a name, no biggie.
2) In places where ponies talk, there NEEDS to be a comma after they speak. Otherwise,people think that the pony is going to say something next.
3) You left out LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of commas and periods.
4) Spelling. Spelling. Spelling.
5) You need to put more detail in it. Readers can't read it when scenes just change like that. Make the reader hooked on reading it!
6) You need to put quotation marks in between words such as change "shes" into "she's".
Otherwise, great job! My favorite part was when Sweetie Belle realizes that she's wearing a diaper >:D
Thank you for the criticism,
"I really appreciate that my friends take the time to point out my flaws so I can be the best that I can"
Anyway, the dress and her little crush was just stuff to allow you to connect with why she was so embarrassed, i mean anyone would be embarrassed to have their diary read, but I felt that putting stuff into the story like that made it easier to understand her point of view.
Note on the grammar: I do have auto correct and spell check, so half of the grammatical errors are probably the spell check/auto correct playing havoc with my stories. (Some of the spelling issues were me trying to get Apple Bloom's southern accent.) But I won't blame it all on the spell check, lol. Part 2 to come sometime tomorrow, I think I'm going to make this a 3 part story not including the epilogue.
(Edit*: I can delete the "First" post, should I, or should I leave it and see if the mods do anything about it?)
>> amazingpony
I missed your comment before I posted mine, sorry.
These stories I'm posting are all my first stories that I'm actually trying to write, so things may be......off. But I can assure you those errors will disappear in time.
As for the comment about sweetie in a diaper, going to make this very clear now before i get some weird comment about it, that was only for the use of the reader knowing what was in her diary so they could understand why she was so embarrassed, and that's the most plausible embarrassing thing I could think of.
Well, one spelling error.. it's "laughing stock," not "laughing stalk." Though, this being Sweetie Belle, it wouldn't surprise me if the thought it was stalk, and there were a celery gag somewhere in there.
As knight said, it needs to be fleshed out more. It's very much "she said, then the said that, then this happened." It's almost like an outline, more than the actual story.
Still, I liked it, and I like where it's going.
The story is nice in concept, but the execution totally butchers it.
Grammar and spelling errors, formatting issues, pacing... It's painful to read.
I hope Sweetie Belle gets revenge.
I think I will rewrite this whole chapter, fixing it up an posting it in the comments for the nice author person guy!
Spoilers Rainbow Sonicx399, spoilers.
Anyway, I had less to work with in this story than I did in the last short I did, that's why its more like an outline than an actual story, once I get into part 2 it will be better.
Though some of the feedback of part one makes me want to rewrite it.
Thoughts on me rewriting part 1?
I was writing a comment the same time you were Rendan, if you would like, I was going to do the same thing, If you would like to message it to me and I'll put it up. as the re-write.
Its a short one shot so It wouldn't be much for me to just rewrite it myself though.
I don't want to be mean, to Sweetie Belle, but.......PWNED!
shutterstock.com/pic-10683448/stock-photo-man-pointing-at-someone.html
This is a nice story so far. Only a few problems...
Like everyone else said, there are some issues with spelling, grammar, and pacing. The most glaring thing to me was when you misspelled 'mannequins' as 'manikins'. I'd strongly recommend looking for a proofreader here on this site to help you out if your spellchecker is missing some things.
One other story complaint: NO WAY IN A MILLION YEARS would Rarity let them sky-dive, especially Sweetie Belle, and I personally wouldn't trust Rainbow of all ponies with their safety either.
And she even had specially-made parachutes for them? WHAT.
I switch tabs on my browser for the duration of a you tube video, a 3 minute long you tube video, and I already have 3 notifications on this story, is this story linked somewhere that I don't know about? lol
Anyway in regards to the spell check, Its a really old computer with a very basic, and i stress the word basic, very basic spell check.
I do have someone who proof reads them and makes them a lot better (As of 2 days ago a friend who took a collage course in writing.) but they are not readily available to me at the moment, probably tomorrow can you expect the rewrite if someone hasn't submitted one or if I haven done it myself.
Also, noting the sky diving thing, It was scootaloo's idea, and I was thinking that when Rarity took sweetie aside she was going to say (And quoting from my rough draft) "Your not to go sky diving with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, Rainbow is going to get an earful when I talk to her tomorrow, its ridiculous to let fillies skydive."
Also the parachutes, probably for safety or something for some other thing they were going to do.
968238
I can proofread for you, mate. If you continue this, that is.
Oh I'm continuing it, its one in a series of 3 (This being number 2) of stories I'm doing based on NaterRang's art. I fully intend on finishing it. Its just only going to be a short story unless enough people tell me to make it longer than the three planned parts I have.
I am also reading that rewrite now. And thank you for the offer, but I do have a proof reader, she just isn't available at the moment, real life stuff and all that, you know how it is. She hasn't proof read my stories yet, in fact she only proof read part one of "A Lesson Learned" (She did make edits though) However if you catch errors I would be very appreciative if you would comment them or tell me via message. In the future I intend on errors being intentional, but right now, they are just my amateur writing showing itself.
Also regarding my comma and punctuation errors, I am actually very good with that, Its just I started text based role playing and I got into the habit of not needing to put commas and other punctuation. So once I get back into the groove of things It shouldn't be that bad.
Ok, I'm most definitely uploading this re-write that Rendan did ever so nicely for me.
I will replace part I with Rendan's re-write, though its mostly the same as what I already have, it is A LOT better grammatically.
Couple little errors I noticed near the top:
"Sweetie were are you." Rarity called from down below.
"were" is the wrong word. The one you mean is "where".
"Sweetie be a dear and try this on" Rarity said as he gave the dress to Sweetie.
Unless Rarity is keeping some secrets of her/his own in a journal somewhere, I think this needs to be fixed :P
Part one has been edited/re-written by Rendan, so reread it! (He fixed a lot of the errors)
Though one thing I did change back was the edit from Potty Training to Stall Training, sounds more like pony-english that way. Yes I just invented my own pony dialect, don't patronize me for it.
967956 static.fimfiction.net/images/story_images/31323.gif?1339286583
Oh, I deleted the ''First'' post, because I didn't know we weren't allowed to do that :3
If the diary was open on Rarity's bed would that mean that she read it or that Sweetie Belle had just written in it?
Thats the cutest little picture of Rainbow dash and Derpy I have ever seen.
Also, with the diary being open on Rarity's bed, I was implying for Sweetie to have written in it, though we all know Rarity likes her gossip, so its up to the reader to decide weather or not Rarity was reading it, kinda like how the end of Titanic the viewer has to decide if she died or if she was just dreaming. (That's the only example I can think of)
I like it. Can't wait to see what happens!
I wish this would be a real episode
Ok folks, Part II is going up right now! My editor has not edited it yet, so this is the unedited version, the edited version will be up in a few days, but its a really short part, so I thought I'd put it up and give you all something to read.
If the diary was open on Rarity's bed would that mean that she read it or that Sweetie Belle had just written in it?
I feel bad for apple bloom yes apple bloom cause she dident really like the idea of reading it in the first place