Average Night in the Mojave

Arriving back home after making a delivery, Ember and Blitz try to get some rest. But a small band of raiders have other plans... Nights in the Equestrian Mojave are never boring.

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Fabian Corcair

Fabian Corcair #1 · Mar 5th, 2018 · · ·

Here's my review abridged:

Review: 1.5/5 stars

General theme: Mediocre concept, the execution gave a baseline to what is necessary to the story and appeal to the audience

Plot: There were some action and exploration, but the teased stories were more exciting and had waves of more potential than the actual story itself, and the climax was disappointing, I barely felt any stakes once the raiders were seen because of video game logic. Please don't simply just adapt a video game into a written story, these mediums don't go perfectly together. Instead, try adapting the game by giving it a genuine plot and a scenario you can never do in the games. Games automatically lose alot once you translated it to the written form so you have to make up for the lost of playability. The readers can't play a story

Writing: Pretty good, the prose is worthy of making a story of ample quality. Most of the time, you're expressing the feelings coherently and in a way people could understand. However, i must say that you're a little bit too straightforward and orthodox without much compressed symbolism, so you end up going off the rails for unnecessary details which waste the reader's precious time. Short stories are often compressed to fit juicy necessary details while excluding unnecessary details that don't add anything to the quality. In a nutshell, I think you have potential to be fine writer within the next few months, sure, you have a silly mishap here and there, but overall I think this is your strongest point and the most important for writing stories.

Characters: What characters? I do not acknowledge Mary Sues and Gary Stus as real characters. The only two notable things about them, in particular, is that they are in a love relationship and that the picture of the Ember is eye candy.

Appeal: There are countless things fallout fans would rather do than reading this story. Playing the game, watching someone playing the game, watching someone else watching someone playing the game, reading a blog about the game, getting into gaming conspiracy theories, writing this story, complaining about this story with a comment, taking a jog and use your imagination to pretend you're in a fallout game, being alone with the picture of Ember, or reading your much more popular incomplete fics even though they would never be finished (but still more fun teasing the idea than reading this)

Conclusion: It seems that you have much skill and potential. Looking at your writing, it seems you have enough writing knowledge to cover the whole basic shebang to make a decent fic, but you should strive for better motivation for the reader to get interested in your materials. Examples: Characters with more depth even if they're somewhat predictable, a story with a bit more exploration into the unknown like adding a "what if " scenario to something you've experienced, and making sure that you not waste time telling and start showing. You're closer to a decent story than you think.

PS, the more readers who would tell you what they think, the more you could improve the story for anyone even yourself to read or write it.

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