Four Months Later
The griffin coast was on the horizon. It had been four months since we went to scout out the bay, and in that time a small town had been built. Well, maybe not small. More medium sized. It had a thousand ponies more or less, with warehouses and big docks for trade ships. Most of the docks were empty when we left. The ponies didn’t have many ships, in fact the one we were on was one of two large vessels. The only other boats we had were small fishing dinghies.
Starswirl had given me a few lessons on magic before we left. After all, a guard who could fly and use magic was a pretty good guard. Of course he couldn’t teach me some of the magic I could use. Like dark magic. Oooh scary! But in all honesty, dark magic wasn’t bad. It was bad if a light creature used it, because it drove them insane, so it had a bad reputation. Especially since creatures of the light out numbered dark creatures by....all, almost. Well, not if you counted Thestrals, but they could only do one thing with dark magic. All they can do is make the area around them dark or darker, they can’t cast different dark magic spells. In fact, the only beings Swirl had seen who could safely cast dark magic were me, the sisters, and the windigos. I wonder when the sirens show up. Or Tirek.
I glided behind the ship, riding thermals with Moon Beam. We slowly circled around the ship as the land crawled toward us. The griffin lands were full of huge mountains. And I mean huge! That one is almost twice as big as Canterlot mountain! Forest filled the valleys between the mountains, their lush leaves ending at the cliffs that lead to the ocean. Water hit the cliffs and frothed as it splashed high into the air. There were very few beaches we could make landfall at, however I managed to spot a small one.
“I see a landing location!” Shouted a changeling from the crows nest. The pilot turned the wheel and the ship slowly turned so it was alongside the small beach. Once we were across from it, the sails were lowered and the anchor was tossed into the ocean. Luna walked onto the deck from the captain quarters and, as she strode across the deck, ponies saluted her.
“How long until we can depart for land?” Luna asked as she looked at the new land. I landed next to her with a thump.
“We can be ready in just a few minutes your majesty.” A pony answered her.
“Excellent, I wish to be on land soon as possible.” Luna turned to face me. “Are you ready Night? Today we venture into the unknown.”
‘Of course I’m ready.’ I looked up into the air. “KEEEE KEEEE!” I called out to the rest of Luna’s guard. Black, Moon, Lotus, and Silver landed behind me in a line. ‘Get ready to move out. Be prepared for anything, we don’t know what’s out there.’
We had left the rocky beach not long ago. We were swallowed by the thick trees almost immediately, as the forest was extremely dense. Strange sounds filtered through the trees, low whistles and tinkling could be heard every so often. Bright flowers and berry bushes littered the ground and vines hung from many of the trees. There were surprisingly few animals though. We saw a few rabbits and squirrels, even a wild hog ran across the path. But I expected to see more with all the food in the forest. “Why are there no animals?” A thestral asked from the back.
“Most likely because the griffins eat them.” Luna looked around. “They are not herbivores like us, so the animal population is lower.” Luna explained, which made the guard shiver a little as he looked to the sky. I didn’t even think of that! It would explain the lack of animals.
TINKLE TINKLE! We all looked around at the loud tinkling sound. A small insect flew by and every time it’s wings flapped it let out a small tinkling sound. It looked like a butterfly, but it had six wings made of a crystal substance. “What is it?” Moon asked as she started following it towards the woods.
“KEEE!” I called out to her. ‘Stay with the group!’ Not a moment later, three tendrils shot out of the woods to grab the crystal butterfly. The butterfly gracefully moved out of the way of the tendrils. Then it gently landed on the top most tendril. Suddenly the tendril erupted with fire. SCREEEEEEEEE!! Something in the woods screamed as the tendrils retracted, and heavy thumps could be heard as it ran off.
“I-I think I’ll stay with the group now...” Moon ran back to the line. We continued through the forest, though we were much more cautious. Many of the soldiers flinched at every breaking twig. I had to laugh when one jumped at a leaf landing on his back.
“These forest trees appear to hide many dangers.” Luna calmly looked around. “Such a hostile land, I wonder how the griffins survive so well here.” A few trees nearby shook and we all looked in that direction. The shaking moved towards us until it was just out of our sight. Then it stopped.
“RRAAAAAAAAWW!!” Is that a....bugbear? The massive creature stepped from behind the trees and faced us with hungry eyes. I forgot that was even a thing. I spread my wings wide and unsheathed my ankle blades. All the other guards did the same as they prepared for combat.
“HAAAAAA!” A young male voice rang out as a griffin impacted the bear like creature. The big bear hit the ground as the young black colored griffin started tearing into it with his claws. He had a black lion half, with brown feathers on his head.
“UUUURRR!!” We all watched, stunned, as the young griffin tore out the bears neck. It gasped a few times before falling dead.
“Nice kill Dark!” A older voice shouted from above. An adult griffin landed beside the freshly killed bugbear. He had a brown lion half and a brown head. “Very quick and clean! I’m proud of you! Now let’s get this thing back to town.”
“AAAAAAAAAAHH!!” One of the guards in golden armor screamed before running headfirst into a tree. I covered my face with a wing as the griffins looked over in surprise. The guard hit the ground unconscious as a limb fell on top of him.
“Hello! We come in peace!” Shouted Luna. The griffins looked at each other before the older one nodded at the young one. The young one, Dark I assumed, flew off while the adult approached us.
“I apologize, I didn’t see you there. Were you hunting this animal? I’m sorry if we stole your kill.” He cautiously stated, ready to bolt at a moments notice.
“Oh no, we weren’t hunting. It did startle us though, we were preparing to fight it off when you came down.” Luna looked at the dead bugbear. “I must thank you for that. We are new to these lands, I’m sure you can tell.” She smiled at the griffin. “My name is Princess Luna, might I have your name?” She waited expectantly.
“Yes, my name is Silent Wood.” He looked at all of our guards. “May I assume you arrived by ship? From the unknown lands?”
“If you mean the lands to the west, then yes. We hail from the kingdom of Equestria. We wish to establish diplomatic ties with your rulers.” She look around the forest. “Would you know where to go in order to get an audience with them?”
“Well you see-“ Silent started. He was interrupted as griffins in iron amor landed all around us. There must have been fifty, outnumbering us by two to one.
“Halt! By order of the Pri-!” The guard was interrupted as a crossbow bolt pierced his chest armor.
“FOR THE KING!!!” Fifty more griffin fell from the sky and attacked the iron clad ones. These new griffins were wearing a much thicker iron armor, yet it didn’t seem to impede them at all. As the area around us turned into a small battleground, we stood in the middle of it all with Silent. We only moved when we had to avoid a griffin hitting us on accident. The new griffins killed the other ones extremely fast, the battle only lasting for a few minutes. “Hah! Take that you scoundrels!” The same Griffin spoke as the last of their enemy flew off. He urned to look at us. “Now, what do we have here?”
‘Well, you’ve got a pony princess, a giant bird, an patrol of griffins, and a single hunter. I’m still waiting for the punch line honestly.’ The situation was so ridiculous that I said the first thing that came to my head. ‘We're here to have a diplomatic talk with your leader. Although, it appears you may have a....situation with that. Am I right?’ The griffin leader just gaped at me. Oh boy. I sighed. ‘Luna? Could you please explain it to him?’
“Certainly Night.” Luna stepped forward, taking the leader’s attention away from me. She cleared her throat before speaking. “What he said.”
“Bu-wha-I....” He closed his mouth before speaking again. “My name is Crimson Blade. Please, follow me.” He started walking off through the woods. As we followed, the rest of the griffins surrounded us on all sides. One of the other guards had picked up the unconscious guard and was carrying him on their back. No end to the excitement. At least I’ll never be bored.
We all sat in a large dining room. We had walked for hours in the woods before arriving at the port city nearby. It was just behind some cliffs, so we didn’t see it from the ocean. The city also held the king’s castle so that was a plus! Sort of. Me and Luna sat across from King Dusk Song. He had a black lion half, and dark purple feathers. He was currently staring at us from across the long table. He tapped his claws on the table as he stared at us. None of us had spoken once since we arrived in the room. That was three hours ago. The moon had long since risen, thanks to Luna, and the king just continued to stare at us. The only reaction he had shown was when Luna rose the moon, and he mostly looked irritated. The long oak table was covered in a red cloth and nothing else except for the kings golden goblet. I decided enough was enough. ‘Your majesty, we are here to-‘
“Be silent.” He said in a deep voice. Excuse me? I did a better job at hiding me irritation than Luna did.
“We have co-“ Luna attempted to say.
“Be silent!” The king said louder. “I am trying to decide what to do with you.” His eyes narrowed. “A creature who controls the moon? I will not be deceived by your clever trickery. And the inbred spawn of peasants?” He looked at me. “I must simply decide what to do with a liar and her deformed friend.” He laughed. “A kingdom across the sea? Ruled by princesses who raise the sun and moon? How stupid do you think I am!?”
‘Very!’ I glared at him. ‘We will be leaving now. I advise you don’t follow.’ Me and Luna stood up to leave only for the king to start laughing.
“Oh you won’t be leaving.”
“And why is that?” Luna was beyond mad. Her mane had actually started to shift a little, like it wanted to start floating.
“Because, I have your little guards held captive, and you have no way to escape.” He chuckled “unfortunately for you, I don’t have time to deal with ridiculous things like this.” He slammed his claw down on the table, and the doors opened as guards rushed in. We were surrounded quickly as the king smirked at us. He doesn’t think we can hurt him. I kept my face neutral. “Take them to the gallows. We shall have a hanging in the morn.” Me and Luna looked at each other. We both nodded at what we had to do.
“Yes your majesty! Right awa-AAAAH!” The griffin guards wing was removed as I swung my wing up. I used magic to harden my feathers and spun in a circle. The guards around me fell as feathers pierced their necks. Luna simply made an expanding forcefield and smushed the griffin on the walls. The king now looked slightly worried.
“Guards!” He called. More guards ran in but it was to late. I took to the air with Luna following me. With one last glare at the king, I flew through the windows in the dining room. Luna followed after me as I glided over the city. I saw our guards fighting in the streets below. There were too many for us to fight, and more were coming. I made a quick decision. I slowed down till I was beside Luna.
‘Drop down when we get above them. Don’t open your wings till I say.’ I looked back to see the griffins chasing us.
“What? What are you planning to do-“
‘NOW!’ I folded my wings and Luna closed hers as well. We dropped from the sky at an ever increasing rate. Luna looked worried, but didn’t open her wings. The soldiers below us grew closer and closer. Iron looked up and locked eyes with me. Then he looked down and got the others to form a circle for us to land in. Still we grew closer. Luna was panicking now.
“Night! When do we open-“
‘Open open open!!!’ My wings snapped open and I felt the joints strain against the air. Luna had a pained look on her face, but she held her wings open. We were still going down fast, but we were slow enough to not die when we hit the ground. THUMP! We impacted the stone road in the middle of our group. And in a flash we, as well as a few griffins, disappeared.
Dusk Song
I stared out the broken window in disbelief. I had been so quick to assume that they were lying....I think I’ve made a large mistake. I had insulted the leader of another kingdom, and very badly. Then I threatened to hang them. But then they did those impossible things, and I realized how much trouble I had caused. I can’t afford this. Not with the rest of my kingdom slipping away. My son taking things from my kingdom!
I growled as I threw my cup across the room. The towns are slipping from my manipulation. I control less every day. And all because of his stupid kindness and generosity! Who ever cared about those things!? I paced around the room. I need to be rid of him. He is taking away my kingdom, my power! No one can rule these lands but me! I looked out the window once more. I will win, just wait and see.
Nightwing
We impacted the wooden ship deck hard. The ponies on the ship looked up in surprise before tackling the griffins. Lotus rubbed her head as she stood up. “I’m guessing it didn’t go well.” She then collapsed, unconscious.
Good chapter this is about to get interesting even more so
Good
good ending to this chapter it was very action filled
It was ok.
Liking the Empire Build feel you got going on! Most usually skip to canon with some bs about how hard the last thousand years were with multiple angst-fests.
This chapter was good but the king's exposition monologue at the end seemed a little forced.
9059355
I can kinda imagine him thinking they are little more than a sentient pray creature, but for a king it was stupid of him to call them liers and try to kill them for no reason. If a peaceful alian shows up and tells you it's royalty you don't kill it. That's common sense. Even if it might be a lie no one would ever take that chance.
The king is almost unbelievably stupid.
Almost, but not quite.
Also, poor Guy.
Noice any better and this would have a Movie
When there's a less than 2 month gap between chapters:
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/909/833/d1b.jpg
9059460
Keep up the bad grammar and I'll call in some of my friends for a bit of a Blitzkrieg! Ya hear me?!
great chapter.
9059460
This is true as well. Maybe do a test or something like that to decide if they could be telling the truth, "You say you raise the moon do another show of your magical prowess and prove it". Something along those lines would have fixed the problem. If he was a tyrannical ruler then he may have even tried to use the good powered Princess and one of a kind magical pet as a tool against his son
Shank the King, be sure to go for the kidneys.
When next awesome chapter!?
funny, and i loved the chapter cant wait to see more ( yes I can )
9061576
Why?
Looks up from desk
Gravity, is it?
Great story, but some things just feel unnatural to me, such as
or during the Loyalists Crumbstomp of the Rebels the battle didn't really 'happen' so to say. All we got was, essentially, "The new Griffins slaughtered the other griffins and watched them fly away before turning towards us" There was no disruption just straight to the point, which isn't a good attitude when write fiction.
You must, or atleast try to, be dramatic and stylish, not a sudden "And then Agent 001 Bob killed everyone and saved the Queen before blowing up Buckingham"
Anyways, the point being that you have to 'Show' not 'Tell' so to say.
My second Vine-Poping-issue, Grammar and Vocabulary . Look, I'm not judging you, my Grammar too bieng Kaputt (Thats how its spelled in German) at times since I'm not a native speaker just really really good at it, but Yea gotta get yerself a Beta reader, I Volunteer in fact to beta read, or I'll have ta putt meself outta mah misahry!
Also, I'll take Great offense to bieng called a Grammar Nazi, since I am German. So No thanks in advance.
Thirdly and most importantly;
Dialogue.
You absolutely have to work on your dialogues. I sometimes get these urges to brake the nearest Coffee cup when I read through some of your dialogue.
It just doesn't seem Natural to me.
your Dialogues come over in sort of a "Oh no, I am suprised! And worried!" Kinda way. And while we're at Dialogue, that whole "I wish we could've handled the Overia disaster diplomatically thing just came of odd, since its only ever mentioned there and not after the diplomatic meeting or anything. Oh and that whole Nightshade flipping out over Over Times (No pun intended) saying he would kill the princesses came a bit too late. It should've been adressed right after the scyring.
Anyway, love your story. Love Nightshade, very creative. Hope My critique helps you enhance it and better your writing. I shall follow your story with utmost intrest. Also I do sincerely apologise if I seem damning, not at all! This is but Positive Critique! I'll shut up now🤐
P.S Normal siblings, at least me and my sister, don't call each other Brother or Sister, they call them by name.
9068796
Hmmm. Very good points. I would like to point out some facts though. I write most of these chapters very quickly, I'm busy for most of the day. So I’ll write these chapters in under a day sometimes so I can get them out.
Two, i dont have an editor. There is a reason for that. I usually submit the chapter the second I'm done writing it. Then I fix errors as people comment on them. But sure, i guess i could try have and editor. Consider yourself promoted! Ill send PM the password.
Third, my grammar is very good, but because i speed type everything.....well, it dosnt always get written down correctly. I’m not perfect with grammar, but I blame speed typing and autocorrect for most of the problems.
Fourth, i was trying to go for the archaic time feeling by having them call each other brother or sister. Did it not work out like that? I can fix that in future chapters.
Fifth.......yeah, I could have done more with the king and the griffin fighting. But I was really tired at the time, and i went to bed right after I submitted the chapter.
Awesome development with the gryphons. I'm glad the king realized his mistake, perhaps our merry band will meet with the supposedly kind prince. Wouldn't it be interesting if he hears what happened with the king, then hears that he was the one that helped his potential mate be freed from him. I'm excited to find out what happens.
i predict war, war of the wor-i mean kingdoms
Quite an interesting story, the pacing could be a tad slower and each character could use a bit longer introduction, but the story is fun to rrad.
The only problem i have with this is that some chapters can easily be combined with the flow staying fine but other then that 8/10 so far
https://youtu.be/pVeqRVxI8Iw
Yeah, you dun goofed there. Still overall a good chapter and I can't wait to see how far that crumbles for the insane king there.
Filler isnt a bad thing, these super big time jumps with nothing in between are sudden and jarring, in my opinion you need to focus on a situation more, have a full blown arc that lasts several chapters. For example the invasion should have lasted longer in terms of story, with much more build up. Instead it was "They're invading" "we won" "they joined us". No repercussions, no revolts, no grieving families or heirs that tried to take the throne. Its a good story with good ideas but I feel you need to expand upon it.
It's rather silly, there he is, sitting in a room for three hours. With a winged, horned horse creature that supposedly raised the moon with her glowing horn and a great bird of immense size, that might as well be some sort of mythical bird god.
Bad first impression, decides to just kill them, witnesses displays of real, live magic unlike parlor tricks and superstition.
Now it's weird though, if the king is a douche and the usurping prince is supposedly running a campaign of 'kindness'. Why did he go through the trouble of siccing mercenaries to chase Golden? Is it a front? Some political ploy that he'd even take on a peasant as a wife? Mistress? Or is it to shield himself from marrying a daughter among allied nobles?
9101041
All will be answered soon.....if i can get to writing lol.
I have been wanting to hold my comments until I reached the end of the story. (I do that quite a bit). I have been interested in the story since the first chapter, mostly because I have not seen many stories like this and I have very much enjoyed the story. There are a few miss-types that I could see, but they are not too common. You have showed quite a bit of character development that I could see, you have been able to keep going with the story and kept me intrigued for most of it. You are doing very well for the story in my opinion. Keep up the great work. Hope to see a new chapter out soon.
Signed~~~
BSstager
Didn't the griffin hen point to the east? If she pointed to the east that means you traveled east. Which then in turn means you are from the west lands, since you have to go west to return...
9144033
...did I mention the portal guns we used getting here?
This is me, humbly requesting a side story of the adventures of the butterfly.
I was kinda hoping for an everyone sucks here lesser evil type thing but no, the prince just has an antiquated view of women