Duncan Swan is a replacement O.C. pony for Twilight Sparkle in the MLP universe. He is sen to Ponyville to learn about friendship from the locals except Duncan doesn't seem to want to learn about friendship, or even socialize with the others, will he ever be able to get over his hatred of the others. He may seem harsh and evil on the outside, but beneath his outer shell is a heart of gold. They just don't know it yet.
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From what I gather, you have basically talken the first MLP episode and replaced it with a generic character archetype?
WHY
Elemints of Harmony? Do those come in spearmint?
Well, I liked it.
Once Upon a Time there were two tyrants; one was in control of the life-giving sun, and the other got the stupid moon.
This being a rewrite means you can NOT make a loving ruler into a tyrant also we need the moon and night the whole tide thing and not burning to death
They gave the moon sister no respect and slept though her reign over the world. The moon chick got pissed and started being a total bitch to everypony
poor tone and too much tact of your's
The elements of harmony..." Duncan Swan
elements and harmony are part of a title so the first letter should be uppercase also Duncan is more than a bit out of place in this setting
Swan was a big pony, A REALLY big pony.He was almost as tall as his teacher Princess Celestia
I'm kinda sure that around Big Mac's size is the upper limit for mortals unless justified
Heck, Hey couldn't take a hint if you covered it in sugar with a sign that said "THIS IS A HINT DUNCAN!" in red letters then gave it to him served on a silver platter.
yah yah yah we get it
Hiss, hack ssss.he growled out
Um dragons can talk in this setting
We need to talk to some colt named Apple Jack
Applejack is one word
She answered him in a "southern" accent
we know what Applejack sounds like
As much as I'd like to hear about your family's incest problem,
no just no
"Its ponies like that who gives us southerners a bad name, Zulu
Keeping to canon this character would have been born and raised in Canterlot
Hey man
there are no "men" in this setting
after noticing the lack on what makes a colt a colt he said
did he just do what I think he just did
Duncan ran into a skipping pink pony
This happened first
Zulu gave me a glare that could curdle milk
did you just change POV?
Bahamas
not in this setting Bahaymas or other suitable animal pun would work
Zhu
got your own OC's name wrong
thunder lizard
DRAGON!
"Is that a baby dragon? I've never seen one before! Can he talk?" She let out excitedly.
"Ummm… Yes, but only dragon. I need to translate for him
Dragons can speak er what ever the language is called
As Duncan walked into his room he heard the little pink mare's screams of pain as she drank the spice fluids.
Pinkie more or less has a stomach made of iron or stone
IT'S NIGHT MARE MOON
NIGHTMARE MOON
biblical proportions
the Androcles' Lion is from Aesop's Fables from around 600BC
no matter how much he laughed she would not disappear
silly writer Pinkie is not a ghost
"Sorry about this." The stone shards from what was once the elements of harmony began to float into the air. "The hey is going on?" Duncan asked as he saw the stones fly around him and the other ponies. Duncan began to say who represented what element. "Ummmm…" Duncan started "Applejack has a huge family and I'm sure there is something going on within it so… SHE REPRESENTS THE ELEMENT OF INCEST AND INBREEDING! Rainbow Dash's love for all things 'cool' and lack of hesitance for pushing me into the mud represents THE ELEMENT OF BEING AN INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE BAG!" Duncan was just drawing at straws. "Pinkie Pie is THE ELEMENT OF INSANITY and Rarity is THE ELEMENT OF VANITY!" Duncan shouted out "Because I think her love for animals goes deeper than healing them, Fluttershy represents THE ELEMENT OF BESTIALITY! And I would rather be somewhere else so I represent THE ELEMENT OF NOT GIVING A BUCK!" Duncan looked around "Together we are the… ummmm…. PonyRangers! Yeah, let's go with that." The stones started to glow and then turned into really cool looking necklaces. While Duncan was waiting to get his marvelous accessory he felt a sudden weight on his head. He got a crown. Not only a crown had he gotten, but a mare's crown. Duncan had received a tiara. Duncan opened his mouth to complain except he was drowned out by a rainbow that shot out from him and his friends which then inundated the exiled princess. All that was left was a small scared pony, only just taller than Duncan.
no
Over all I'm calling troll on this 1 out of 10 *
*If this was an attempt at a real fic .5 out of 10
Post script upon looking at your penname you lose 2 points for a self insert that is not a deconstruction.
One more thing if you put in enough work into it you may reach levels or so bad it is good or going the other way so okay it is average.
951883 I prefer peppermint Elemints!
951860 951860 Because Duncan is __________ and every one __________ him. (Feel free to fill in the blanks)
952007 So do I, I am a narcissistic pony.
952179 Yay i did better than my dad in the Olympics, i was posting this to raise money for his operation, but i guess that wont happen!
952185 Yeah, I know right? I LOVE mints, Celestia wont let me have them because they rot my teeth. I don't like it here, if only there was a purple unicorn to take my place. Well, wishing on a star gets me no where.
951883 Yes but i wouldn't suggest it, i has corn syrup and that is really bad for your health!
952179 over all i love you comment, i jut am thinking, Did you really need to go over every single thing? i mean, dont you have anything better to do? or is rating fan fics like...a job you get payed for? Because if it is i want to know.
961416 it is just something I do.
hahaha funny
978806 thank you, there is a rewrite of every episode, if you want to read more just say so