Mangy_Mutt_Studios
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Nice
I am loving Ivory, competent, and active, Her dialogue is also fun and feels natural. Keep up the good work!
Hmm.... Good start i must say
Though i must ask why you decided to add the Balefire part to the Megaspells. Ponies didn't develop balefire, it was developed and used by zebras in their megaspell bombs. Ponies didn't use bombs for that purpose.
~From wiki~
I just want to know why🤔
Hmm....
In this chapter there are 19 times you wrote OverMare in one form or another. Now this of course is a writing error. The M is not capitalized in Overmare.
This small but also very, very noticeable error kept bugging me the entire time i was reading this chapter
Hey there Mangy_Mutt_Studios,
I just got around to starting my read through of your story per your request.
Would you like me to send my thoughts to you via PM or post it here?
Please let me know!
Only gripe is the liberal use of "nothing more". But its better than anything I've written and I'm quite interested.
Props for making Silver Phalanx an earth pony.
8878024
Thank you for you words! We actually took into consideration of what you said and came to an agreement. So we slightly revised the Prologue to not only flow better but also to correct some errors we noticed!
8878062
Thank you! We had noticed that damn near every other Fallout Equestria story had used Unicorns for their main protagonist. And while we realize why this is (it makes for easier writing in the sense of simply being able to use magic to utilize weapons and such), we knew that we wanted to avoid this so we could bring something new to the table.
I liked the perk at the end especially. Feels like a real personality trait as a opposed to a videogame buff. Can't wait to see how/when/if things go horribly wrong.
8878660
Essentially, this is 100% how this could have went down, lol.
Pleased with the direction this story is going. I was concerned this was going to be too much like Project Horizons and maybe it was at first but thats setting the bar pretty high.
Definitely liking the way this story is going now.
8879149
Nope! Other than the security pony title, this story is very different from both the original and Project Horizons! In fact, you will soon find that this story is fairly inspired by the Nuka World DLC from Fallout 4! However instead of it being a "become a raider" story it becomes a "liberate the raiders" story! It's something new that we noticed had never been done before!
8879435
Thank you so much for your kind words! We are glad to see that we have a faithful viewer who thoroughly enjoys our story! Chapter 7 should be up within the next day or so!
Is it just me, or does Silver Phalanx look a lot like Blackjack from Project Horizons?
8879636
Hmm, now that you mention it, we suppose she does look similar. Oh well, our story has a completely different plot from the other FoE stories. However, thanks for bringing this to our attention, as this is something that we actually never even realized, lol.
Even less likely when one remember that it isn't so much fueled by hate than "greed". The spark that lighted the fires of war was not hate, but the need for recurses, heck the only reason that the need for recurses got so big was because ponies and zebras got over their old racism as shown in the show and was buddy buddies and shared their knowledge which led to a giant leap in tech which fucked both sides over. Not even Fo's main story are fueled by hate, in my eyes that is, but by greed as well, so yea... Don't know where you guys have that hate from.
The tech mentioned is the zebra tech. Ponies had megaspells that could be anything, giant spell arrays that could do all from reviving the dead to turning peoples blood into chocolate milk (PinkEyes did that one!), focus on giant. Zebras took the phenix eggs and fucked them over, making portable nukes as seen in the main story, which again reflect the difference of tech between the two sides of war. The East had stealth tech, tanks and portable bio weapons and nukes, while the West had POWER ARMOUR and fission! The battle between quality and quantity, who will fuck the other side over first?
If it was total annihilation would there not be anyone to star in this story, so ad in a near thank you!
First of all, nitpick time, ponies does not have hands. Secondly the general wording makes it sounds like they nuked themselves. And the biggest thing about this sentence is that no one wanted to launch the "nukes". Both sides made more and more of them, hoping to scare the other side. Fluttershy made the first megaspell to stop war, because what was the need for war when no one could win a battle, but because of the repeated suffering it would lead to was that kind of warfare scrapped. Unless this is meant to be a personal viewpoint on the lore of the story, in a "story seen by the wastelander" instead of the actual lore would the whole "Ohh the pre-war ponies was so evil that all had mustaches and ate apples to seem more evil!" vibe that I am getting them this.
Those things are technically also commonplace in our world, but that does not make them the norm, nor acceptable. I do really not know what story you guys got your inspiration from, but the original story by Kkat had a slew of friendly chars that helped each other. Yes we had Tenpony ponies that had a stick up their butt, and Arbu as well, but beside those two places did each place try to make the world in general a less shitty place and showed a lot of care for each other, and not the least strangers as well. Pip would have been dead if no one had been nice to her after her Ponyvile experience after all.
Vaults, you are thinking of Vaults... Stables was all made as big tests to see where the ponykind had gone wrong, how to improve on themselves, and give Equestria the tools to do better than before when the country was livable once again. The mane theme of FoE is "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" and no where does it shine brighter trough than Stable-Tec, each and every Stable being made to test out ways to fix Equestria, to make sure that they never would fight or keep war again, and very very often ended up fucking those inside over since the Stables was based from 3 not that wise ponies observations instead of people with any kind of real knowledge. Again, if we are going for a charters viewpoint is this nice, but if this are going for telling the lore of the setting does it fail in a very major way.
So yea... All in all, if this are going for the main characters viewpoint, sweet, flawed world view and we will learn how wrong the character is with each chapter. What does a stable pony even know after all. If this were going for an intro with an all knowing storyteller like how the games did it... Yea I really hope for the first.
Nitpicks
" A simple combination of Earth Pony Engineering and Unicorn magic was built seemingly under everypony's eyes" Races does not get capital letters, we do not say Elf, we say elf after all. And I do not know why engineering got a capital letter as well.
"Equestria was definitely able to start a new" one word.
8991522
Hello! We greatly appreciate this review, as we can definitely tell that you put a decent amount of time and thought into everything you have written ands we will also be going back to change some of the grammatical issues you pointed out. However, we can't help but notice that you seem to have only read our prologue. We can't stress enough that we are definitely NOT trying to be the next Khat, and our story is written completely different from hers with a completely different plot line.
You were right in stating that our main character will have a flawed world view... which is completely correct to what she will eventually have to endure/witness as she is thrown into the wasteland.
We are not the original fallout equestria story by any means. Our plot and world view is extremely different, and is greatly inspired by the Nuka World DLC from Fallout 4. Raiders aren't simply cannon fodder, as they are a true force to be reckoned with and actually the main enemy within our series.
As our main character is thrown into raider territory on day one (as Stable 76 in our story is located within the city of Baltimare, which has been completely overrun with raiders that run of a hierarchy system) she naturally has extremely twisted world views.
We highly encourage that you read more of our story so you can see exactly how twisted our area of the story is, that way you could further understand why we wrote our prologue how we did. We are not Khat's fallout Equestria, we wanted to make our own world. Something darker, more vile, and more twisted than her story. Naturally, raiders fit this description.
8991738
I have, and will always, give a chapter by chapter comments/reviews. That way are all of the elements still fresh in my mind and I can give the most spot on comments.
So since this is the main character telling stuff, and not lore as is, would I highly recommend pointing that out a bit clearer, as there shouldn't really be any shadow of doubt of if the prologue are told by with an omnipotent 3rd person point of view (The original and most other FoE stories and other stories that uses the prologue to show story elements to new readers) or 1st person flawed point of view. Throw in "I was told/read/heard" in there and mix it up with a lot of "I think" statements so we know that all of this is a personal view and not lore as written.
I am not so worried if the plot is different or not, more the lore. When you smack up Fallout Equestria on the title do you expect the story to follow a certain lore, just as you expect a certain product when you buy beef burger patties. You want your patties to be made with the beef as advertised, not having a lot of horse snug into it.
So reading " We are not Khat's fallout Equestria, we wanted to make our own world. Something darker, more vile, and more twisted than her story." does not really make me want to read more of this story to be honest. I expected this to be sat in the same setting as Kkats story, not to be inspired from. And if you honestly mean that it only are inspired from Kkats story and are a "game sat in Equestria" story would I recommend removing the Equestria part, or put an "in" between the Fallout and Equestria so people actually know what they walk into before reading.