- Member Since 24th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
JakeAndDollars
Mission Objectives; Classified. This account belongs to two people, specify who you're talking to please.
JakeAndDollars
Joined 24th Jul, 2012 ·
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This is a really interesting story; it's a tragedy that nobody's commenting on it.
9523938
Well I would just like to say a big thank you for being our first and I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying it! This new version has been a long time coming and now that it's, "mostly," done I will go so far as to say that you are in for a pretty wild ride...
~Dollars
9523953
Well thank you for being one of them!
I'm very glad to hear that you are enjoying the ride so far, better buckle up btw, and thank you for the comment! They help me a lot when I become discouraged, which happens frequently...
~Dollars
Interesting... I'm not quite sure for whom I should be rooting, but I enjoyed the build and action.
9597591
Well thank you very much for the interest, and as for whom you should be rooting for it is our goal to leave you guessing right to the very end! Also, as far as the action goes, buckle up...
~Dollars
Quite an epic battle! A thrilling and fast-paced chapter for sure! Lots of great little surprises really added to this.
One minor complaint was the overuse in a short space of the phrase, "He looked up and immediately wished he hadn't." It is a great phrase, but was used thrice within just a few paragraphs, which felt redundant.
I am quite interested to see where this goes!
Interesting... I feel teased with a new villain... I like a tease before stuff happens...
That was both thrilling, and an interesting take on how the dream walking happens. Young Star Swirl is kind of fun... and presumably un-bearded at this time, haha.
9627384
Thank you ever so much for your time to make these comments Jatheus, they are quite appreciated around here!
First off, yes Star Swirl is without his beard, for now, and there will be better character description and development coming up in the near future. Originally a whole bunch of these first chapters we're written as one long intro, but it got a little carried away on me... Seriously, in the original draft, we would still be somewhere near the end of chapter three...
As far as future updates are concerned, don't get to worried about their recent absence, more coming soon. Things just got a bit weird around here for a couple weeks...
Thanks again for being here, can't wait to see what you think of our, bigger engagements...
~Dollars
9627462
As a fellow fic author, I understand all too well how meaningful it is to receive feedback.
The ride has not been laborious in the least!
Larger engagements?
This is going to be fun! I may also take shameless notes on how the action feels... I have tried my hand at a few thrilling engagements myself, and there is always more to learn. 
Well, that's not ominous at all...
"surly" should have been "surely"
Sunny skies above,” he whispered under a relaxing breath, messaging his temple with a wingtip.
"messaging" should have been "massaging"
Hatch a dragon's egg huh? Nice touch! Even though it is early yet, things feel like they are beginning to take shape. We got to see Shindrah again, albeit briefly... it'll be interesting to see where that goes. Star Swirl's crew is fun... and if course the royals with their secrets that may or may not be important, one can never tell.
And then there was the owl...
Hopefully that will come to something... when it is time...
All in all, good chapter. It was nice to catch our breath after the excitement that we started with, but trouble is brewing!
9636524
Thanks again for the comments Jatheus, they are much appreciated! I'll get the editing department right on those errors, good catch.
Very ominous indeed, all these secrets and lies, made even more so by all the connections they share...
Glad to hear you like the Swirly crew, official nickname pending, they will be highly important for most of the story.
Also, trouble is indeed brewing, in fact it's been brewing a very very long time and is near ready to boil...
And catch your breath now while you can, another wave is coming...
~Dollars
9637889
Swirly crew in need of an official nickname!?!
Star Force!
You know, because most of them have a star or a shine in their name somewhere.
Although, Templars might also be cool. It has a bonus subtle virtue of sharing a root with temporal, which may fit with your title, which is time related.
I suspected it was a Sombra chapter... nice lead-in!
"For the first time since he had awoke, fear took him."
"A fire lit somewhere deep within Sombra,"
"Never before had he witnessed such fierce commitment in battle, where dozens of their kin lay slain the pair of royals stood firm, refusing to give ground as they were beset upon on all sides."
"No longer concealed by the storms of the north Sombra could see just what had struck his fellows down."
Good chapter! Interesting visions of what may be... or will be... or whatever! haha
I feel Sombra's struggle to just get up. Fantastically done all around!
The owl did come back!
Curious things are afoot for sure... This chapter is a little weird, but in a good way. It is interesting to see larger forces at work that have their own goals they are pushing...
Their relationship is fun, though I fully expect it to go sideways at some point.
9642151
Sideways, forwards, backwards, maybe even a few new yet to be experienced directions...
I did say to buckle up...
~Dollars
Yikes... I was just staring to like them...
"Venturing fourth from where he loitered within the shadows Terra manifested himself on the balcony of the castle’s tallest tower,"
"It brought a smile to his normally stony face, he loved her unconditionally."
Also, I liked the bit with the pegasus delivering supplies to the queen. It was delightful.
Sneaky you! I admit it... you got me! :
“I think it may be wise to air on the side of caution."
This is quite thrilling!
9649527
Thank you very much, these little notes are very helpful!
I am very glad to hear that you are having a good time with this and we hope to keep you guessing for many chapters to come!
~Dollars
9647950
Goofs have been amended, good catch!
Glad to see that Rush meets your approval, we'll be seeing a fair bit of him throughout this adventure...
~Dollars
Well that was different..:
"Stay aloft, madam! There are games afoot..."
Quite a showdown!
Whoever win needs cake; they will have earned it.
9651422
Yeah, until things actually get going there will be a few of these little odds and ends floating about...
~Dollars
I don't know what Tillook is up to... but I get the feeling that he needs to go. The owl is growing on me.
I ran out of story?!? Now I have to wait for more!
"With barely a noticeable whisper of sound a tiny blur of motion dashed across one of the castles many private courtyards"
"He watched the sleeping fillies face for a while, her contented smile threatening to worm its way into the few slightly less frozen places within his heart,"
"Aeterna reached out with her magic and shut the window, turning the latch before leaning down to kiss both of her daughter’s foreheads."
"it really helps motivation and moral around here,"
9651891
Not to worry Jatheus the next couple of chapters are in the oven as we speak with number 14 possibly coming as soon as the weekend. We hope to get back to weekly updates soon as well, things have just been a bit to hectic lately...
Thanks for sticking around and giving your feedback it has been very helpful!
~Dollars
9652183
Well don't rush, just follow your muse. This story is one that is worth waiting for. I came because you teased me with some action, but I'm staying because of top-notch storytelling. You've got interesting characters, mysterious motivations that clearly exist though unrevealed, suspense, surprises, and you make your audience wait. Too many authors try to just write the fun parts, but you offer a tease that something is coming and then build on that until you deliver what you promised. You enrich us all by this act of creation.
Write on my friend!
9653806
Your words are both moving and encouraging.
Write on I shall!
~Dollars
9653806
Fresh chapter coming this weekend! Pinkie swear!
~Dollars
9700742
Ooh!!! I'll try to not get too excited!
Too late I'm already excited!!! Woohoo!!
9700848
Sorry about the wait Jatheus, but the next chapter is up!
~Dollars
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
9719245
There are a rather large number of original characters that will be taking part in this story, some of which I have very clear voice talents in mind, while others remain unclear.
Did you have any specific ones in mind?
~Dollars
Yay for time to read! I'm amazed how much description and story you get out with so little dialogue. New OC's, hooray! That Shadow one is a bit off... like she is missing some emotions somewhere... I bet that'll be important later...
Also... I have a hunch that the Reality Marble is going to be used as part of a ruse or deception later on. So many options with that sort of magic...
Also, a correction, "surly she had the least amount of free time out of all of them." you meant 'surely', not 'surly'
9814462
Welcome back Jatheus! Had honestly been wondering about you.
Sorry for the delays but I'm now in the middle of a move, my computer is sitting in a box in a storage unit!!
Not to worry though I shall reclaim it soon!
Ish...
Glad you're still having a good time with this, and your intuition may just prove correct...
And I'll get right on that pesky little error, just don't call me Shirley! Lol...
~Dollars
9815911
Gah! Moving is the worst! I recently did that myself and have only just really been able to start writing again. That is also partly why I haven't been reading much. So, congratulations on the move and you have my empathy as well.
Sorry to hear you are out for a bit, but I'm going to shamelessly suggest you could read some of my work, if you have time and are so inclined.
I will hold no expectations one way or the other.
Now I'm going to be all paranoid waiting for that reality marble to happen... or not...
Pretending to sleep! That’s genius! Haha!
“The old wizards’ wrinkled face”
Should singular possessive: “wizard’s”
“It was the bed that inevitably drew Luminescent’s attention however; the tiny thing was barely big enough for a grown pony and matched the other décor perfectly and he could hardly wait. Climbing into that warm embrace would have to wait just a moment longer however, as there was another matter to which he would first need to attend.”
The first sentence is very complex and at the least needs a comma to create the final conjunction since you have a subject change. However, I thin you’d be better served ending the first sentence with “perfectly” and express that final thought as part of the next sentence. Perhaps something like, “He could hardly restrain himself, but climbing into that warm...” in order to avoid using “wait” twice back to back. I love the way that is all phrased though. You really paint pictures with your words.
“Getting no response Silver simply shrugged, figuring that if there were no interruptions then he could say his piece.”
piece or peace?
Also... I like Star Shine. Silver Spark is so clueless! Hahahaha!
“Silver Spark and profound thoughts didn’t seem to be very well acquainted…”
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Yeah Spark... don’t push it... I’m not sure I’m convinced of his humility... we shall see...
Good old Rush, I’m still not quite sure what to make of all the things that are going on, but I’m excited to see how they come together... the little impish guy that made poor Ardarius befuddled is definitely some kind of villain or fiend!
I appreciate that after the opening actions we are now getting some time with the characters to get to know them. I liked the older wizards, but it makes me sad they they know the days ahead are few... such is life...
It seems the only real action in this chapter was the interrupted bath... which is probably far less of a scandal since... ponies... haha!
I’m glad you’re back!
10041005
Back and ready to rock Jatheus! Thanks ever so much for your continued input! These little reviews really are helpful and are a valued step towards our improvement as story tellers.
I understand and completely agree about that sentence being a bit, much. I must have rewritten it a dozen times and I'm still not happy with that whole scene. Perhaps I'll take another stab at it...
I'm glad you have taken a liking to Star Shine; her relationship with the others is certainly going to be, interesting... And enjoy the character building while it lasts... Because it will be time to start tearing them down soon enough...
Hope the new year is treating you well!
Dollars