- Member Since 25th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen April 2nd
Winter Rosario
Formerly Winter Solstice, Literally Sunset Shimmer, Discount Off-brand!
Winter Rosario
Joined 25th Feb, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Winter Rosario · 10k words · 30 7 · 547 views
- RenaissanceDreemurr · 38k words · 221 6 · 2.6k views
- LastOneLeft · 8.4k words · 66 5 · 2.5k views
- gypsyfox · 10k words · 191 18 · 3k views
- Desk Snuggler · 25k words · 26 8 · 885 views
- Nova_Eclipse · 32k words · 57 10 · 1.4k views
- last of delta1 · 51k words · 274 35 · 5k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.091 seconds
Total duration
1,001 users online
1,432,523 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ignore this comment.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~
I'm liking this. Keep going!
keep up the good work!
8688654
I see your Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~ and i raise you one AYAYA
8690651
I approve of this
What is this a crossover of?
I was going for the next chapter but relised I jest read the only chapter there is of yet plz make more this is good
8690708 oops, wrong tag. Sorry about that.
Though if I would have to choose, it would be Eve: Online
I found a great song for this story.
8690775
Yes, this fits with what I have in mind. Good job my friend.
What!!! I want some of that!
Also, wouldn't they prefer AR (augmented reality) instead?
This reads like fetish fuel than a story about a soldier in yhauverse. but ill keep an eye on it.
Yes. +1
Really good story so far, keep up the impressive work!
OMG ANOTHER YOUR HUMAN AND YOU STORY!!!! I CANT WAIT FOR MORE UPDATES KEEP IT UP!!!
Can’t wait for more!!
8690941
The difference between AR and VR is quite simple. *Ahem.*
VR can directly affect your brain chemistry, causing more extreme and powerful orgasms. (Just make your body in the real world is prepared for the mess.) Not only that but its a more effective tool for training and teaching soldiers or civilians for anything.
While in AR, it is far more limited to physical contact and semi-perfect brain connectivity. (Unless you have machines, androids or robots to enhance the experience. That and people can hack AR far more easily, causing more deaths than VR according to criminal statistics survey that was done by the MBIA.)
Though, there are some setups that allow PAVR, (Perfectly Augmented Virtual Reality), Which which melds AR and VR together to create an experience like no other, however. Its popularity in the mainstream isn't lacking due to the "Body Snatchers Incident" which the notorious hacker named: System. Took control of all people with PAVR installed into their nervous system, and used them as slaves for his own gain.
Oak Vale, huh?
You played Fable, maybe?
8692019
The Hero of Will commends your vigilance.
Gone fore a while and comes back with good content as usual, love it
8692027
For some reason I want to light Oak Vale on fire...
...just a little at least
huh, a new YHaY story. Haven't seen one of those in awhile. Haven't seen the original story update in awhile either too.
First off, I love the premise. I dunno why, but I feel as if I've read some related stories here... Weird.
Your choice of using stream of consciousness while also narrating is a little strange to be honest.
Not bad. I'll definitely want to see updates for this.
-------------
Semicolon should be a comma
saved (no capital)
These sentences are incomplete
Use a comma instead of a period. Reverse the capitalization when required.
plump(???) I dunno, I could be completely wrong here
mom's and my dad's...mom's
Delete comma
That "however" is unnecessary and actually a bit detrimental.
8692478
Fixed most of them, but the semi-colon one is a little weird. It's wrong in the normal sense but in the addition or extension of a grammatically complex sentence structure. It's perfectly acceptable. Then again, it could be different here in Canada. I'm not too sure.
8692478
Stream of Consciousness will be answered next chapter. In addition, pm me the mistakes that I make, it's annoying to read them in the comment section to be honest.
8692558
Alright, no problem. I'mma look up the semicolon one, it would be so cool if it were true. I just love learning trivia stuff like that.
8692526
Ok, real quick
Personally, I'd say something like:
...I saw who was dragging me; suffice to say, a cute...
But I'mma definitely start Googling now...
8692617
Yours sounds better.
8691852
...
Cool story bro.
Psh. Shiney told me it was because Operation: Conjoined Dominions was too much of a mouthful, and Cadey had a bit too much of the bubbly since they were celebrating the coming liberation of the Crystal Empire...That explains the silly monkey joke!! You were there?!
As to the story...well, you kinda lost points when you had the character thinking to herself, then, in her thoughts, break the fourth wall and address the readers. Noooo!
And apparently Lt. Duskfeather is a hypocrite, since that comment about tentacle vr right after complaining about human-fetishing pervy ponies does not seem to scan as sarcasm.
8693147
She thinks to herself for a reason. The scar around her throat was erased after surgery.
>and a dildo
Heh.... alright, I'll bite.
How did they not notice she was holding a dagger?
8693865
It was dark?
this is epic
Yes! Keep it up! Can’t wait for the next chapter!!
well, time for mankind to EVOLVE
No peace, just war!
You know, considering how I can tell what my dog wants just by how she acts (and she is... not smart) you'd have to be really stupid not to realize something that can perform gestures you're familiar with (ponies can shrug, nod/shake their head, point, etc.) is intelligent.
I must say, the story is engaging, and despite the "side tracking" stuff the main character does. The little bouts of going on tangents in thought are just the right length to not get annoying.
I do notice some sentence structure issues, such as the placements of periods where I feel commas would be more appropriate and vice verse. Then again, I'm not an English professor and for some reason it still isn't hard to see what you are trying to say. Maybe I'm the one that's getting stuff backwards all things considered. Still thought I'd let you know in case you want to look into it.
Sorry if that was a kick 'em, kiss 'em, kick 'em kind of message, but I tend to throw good in with the bad when I comment on something similar to the "call 'em as you see em" philosophy. I will say the bad is relative nitpick compared to the potential I see. The bad just took a bit more text to explain than the good.
8694183
As long as you are positive in your criticism, I don't mind.
And I'm a little out of practice. Don't hate me senpai!
8693871
8693865
and they might not be thinking "OK humans are known to be as intelligent as us," so they wouldn't think to look for daggers on every unconscious or "running loose" human, depending. Oh, and solders would likely know how to hide daggers. That's kinda the key attribute of a dagger, it's ability to be concealed.
soo... yea, didn't bother me
That last scene, hahaha!
More!!!!
Actually... Would they be treating the humans as A: Actual animals like pigs and cattle not knowing better, or B: Like slaves with a civil war pompous slave owner's "inferior status by birth" like attitude?
The answer could make a significant difference going forward. The latter would have heavy bias of maintaining control over the captives/slaves knowing they would want to rebel if they thought they could, and the former would be a bit more of a "You're a person!? You can talk!? You're skilled!? You have feelings!? I had no idea!" effect.
As it stands, I can't really tell and it could swing either way.
8694216
Since this takes place in the YHaY Universe, (I've already figured out what year, and yadda, yadda, other spoiler stuff), so the animal option is the cannon option. I could go the intelligent Human slave's option, but then I would need to change the name, and rework all the world building that I've already done. That and a lot of the "Humans are oppressed" world of Equestria that I've read either ends a few chapters in or doesn't set the world quite right. In the mindless animal route, however. Luna can do things that normally would be either very difficult to achieve or nigh impossible.
Like entering a Human Fighting Pit to find other intelligent Humans that were "too" violent to breed or keep as pets, but not violent enough that they would make bank in the fighting rings. Or entering a Human sex dungeon, or rescue Terran Humans, or saving Terran Humans from breeding farms, etc.
8694245
Or protecting a Intelligent Human Settlement hidden underground that is supported and protected by Changelings~
I kind of find it hard to believe that with the technology to extended human life spans to 360+ years, cure and prevent all forms of cancer, genetically modify humans to near perfection, and erase scars, that Luna (the human, not the alicorn. Seriously, why in the world would you give your main character the same name as a prominent and popular character of the fandom?) could not have had her voice box repaired in the six months since she lost her voice. This feels like a rather weak excuse to follow the trend of having YHaU protagonist incapable of speech without using the usual "Equestrian Magic" excuse.
8694340
Fair point, but it takes time to grow cloned organs and make sure it won't be rejected by the body. It's kinda early to reveal why she couldn't talk in the first place, don't you think? Not only that, if she does manage to get her throat fixed while on Equestria, would Discords magic work on her voice? Or is she like Percy? An unknown in Discords game? As for her name, not sure why that's a problem. Luna is quite the popular name on Mars ever since Earth's moon was destroyed back during the colonial wars. Just being negative over a name is petty.
Though, thank you for the comment!
Don't be an asshole, comments get deleted if you are one.
8693747
Having characters think to themselves is right and normal and fine.
It was the part when you had her mentally turn and address the reader and think-say "And yes, my name is Luna Duskfeather. Fantasy names were quite popular on Mars when my parents decided to have me." that you broke the fourth wall for no discernible reason that I was talking about. Thinking to one's self is one thing. There is no way she was thinking that to herself, though. Nobody needs to justify their own name to themselves at random like that...
Sure, lots of folks like to do that for comedic effect like the show does with Pinkie. Here, it just didn't make sense and takes the reader out of the story.
So I guess I was just trying to point out a mistake so you could learn from it.